It’s Narcissist Friday!
Imagine being raised by a narcissist…
Unfortunately, many people don’t have to imagine at all. They have lived that life. And many don’t understand what happened to them.
I have neither the time nor the expertise to write the kind of help the children of narcissists need. However, I can tell you what happened and that may be a place to begin healing. After you read this, you may want to follow up with books like “Children of the Self-Absorbed” by Nina Brown, or “The Mirror Effect” by Drew Pinsky (the final chapters of this book are quite helpful). Then you may want to find someone to talk with, someone who understands narcissism.
So, what happened? Step back for a moment and think about your parent(s), particularly the one(s) that fit the narcissistic characteristics we have discussed here. Let’s pick on Mom. Mom cares very deeply, on a true heart level . . . about her own image. What, you thought I might say “about you?” No, that wouldn’t describe a narcissist. She cares about what others think of her. She got married for that reason. When she got pregnant, she pictured herself as the center of attention and just knew that her baby would cause people to say “ooh” and “aah.” She would be the envy of the neighborhood and the extended family.
So, the baby probably was never really seen as a separate person. You were just an extension of her. Praise given to you was hers. Attention given to you was hers as well. Because the narcissist has an inability to empathize with others, you got attention from her only when she was affected by you. In other words, only when you brought her something positive or something negative. The rest of the time you just were not that important. Not exactly real.
Think about this. When you did something good, she felt praised and important. When you did something bad, you were a threat to her image. The same mother could tell you how special you were and treat you like a prince or princess—and then cuss you out or degrade you for some minor infraction. You might have worn the most expensive clothes, because you were so special. But when you got those clothes dirty, you were an ungrateful little wretch. But you were only three and you didn’t understand. You didn’t know whether you were special or disgusting, worthy of praise or a disgrace to the family.
Children of narcissists grow up without foundations. They never quite know where they stand with people. Sometimes that becomes their primary concern in life, what people think of them, and they carry the narcissism into the next generation. Sometimes, so weakened in personal resolve and value, they become supply/food for other narcissists.
What do you do now? First, understand that it was never about you. You were used and abused. Read the books I mentioned and seek out some help. It will help.
There is so much that could be said about this. I apologize for keeping it short, but it could be very long. In my experience, when the father is a narcissist, look for religious legalism. His image is reflected by the behavior of his family. Bottom line: it isn’t about the kids. The kids are just normal kids who grew up with narcissistic parents.
There is a love that is beyond the love of parents, more foundational, more important. That love is there for you. It has never changed. You are acceptable to Jesus. He does love you.
Comments?
I am most definitely an ACON (Adult Child of a Narcissist) – my father, in my case. I agree with what has been written here and as you say, it is very difficult to keep it short as it is a very complex issue. It wasn’t until much later in my life that I realised what damage had been done in my childhood. I found myself out of touch with my feelings, unable to express anger, felt invisible, and had very low self esteem. I went on to (subconsciously) choose partners (a number of them in fact) who were like my father! I understand it now, as I read somewhere:
“I think we all tend to attract people in our lives that evoke a dynamic we’re struggling with. Until an issue gets resolved and worked through, we tend to find those folks and repeat these patterns in the hope of finally healing from it. That just seems to be the nature of being human.”
But being aware of it and seeing the red flags (narcissist warning!) – plus – vital – NOT ignoring them – has brought me through my N-childhood.
This link helped me enormously:
Thank you for taking up this subject – sadly it is needed…
Mary,
Thanks for this comment. The trouble with putting a toe into this ocean is that a writer or counselor simply cannot address the variety of dynamics that come out of narcissistic relationships. So, I appreciate your insight from your personal story.
I would echo a couple of things. Most people don’t understand what happened until well into their adult lives and they have already set certain patterns or made certain decisions that have lasting negative effects. Also, those who have interacted with narcissists can be (gently) of help to others. We can help them find the answers to their confusion about themselves and their relationships. I am particularly concerned about young girls getting into relationships with narcissistic guys. I can help by telling parents what to watch for, the earliest stages can provide those red flags (next week’s post!)
And, thanks for the link. Good words!
Dave
I have 4 girls and their father falls in this category…we are in the process of divorce but they still must see him on a regular basis. What can I do to help them learn how to handle their emotions about all this?
This is a tough question because each girl will be different. If he is narcissistic, he is using them just as he uses everyone. In other words, he is manipulating, controlling, and charming all at once. He probably has them moving toward being convinced that he loves them and that you are the problem. In my experience, narcissists usually have a favorite child, one who is more open to his or her manipulation. That child may be the recipient of special favors while the others are tolerated or ignored. This is hard for all the kids.
In general, I would say that a narcissist is sick, even broken. They don’t know how to love and don’t particularly care to learn. Eventually, children of narcissists discover this for themselves, but it takes some time. I would stress to them that they are not responsible for the sickness and cannot fix it, no matter how hard they try. I would also stress that they should not fight with him or try to heal your relationship. If he is nice, they can learn to enjoy it without being deceived by it. If he is not nice, they can learn that the problem is his, not theirs.
In other words, I would tell the kids much the same as I would tell their mother.
Please feel free to write to me directly. I care.
Out from under,
I am currently married to a recently diagnosed NPD (who also has antisocial tendencies). It is very difficult to raise children with healthy emotions and attitudes in this atmosphere, but it can be done.
I found it interesting that Dave wrote about there being a favorite child, that is definitely true in our family. What scares me is that this child is well aware of it and manipulates him right back. I try to be the balance for my children.
If you ever need someone just to share with, I am available. I’m not skilled in counseling and can’t advise you, but I can listen and sympathize and assure you that you are NOT crazy.
Hugs,
Sue
This sounds very painful. Maybe more examples of narcissistic people as this would grab (so to speak) folks’ hearts. Thank you.
I think you are right and that’s why I try to tell these things in the form of stories. They can’t describe every situation, but they can give clues. Maybe we can raise enough red flags for people to notice and be aware.
A link to a list of so called RED FLAGS..
http://www.helpfromsurvivors.com/quizzes/narcissism.htm
I would also like to point out that this list mainly refers to OVERT narcissistic pers disorder.
I have recently left a relationship with a COVERT narcissist where the abuse is much more “hidden” (yes, covert) and manipulative. Also displays of passive aggression are more common. Often one isn’t really aware that one is being “played” until after one has removed oneself from the man and the fog begins to lift. It is a painful awakening…..
Dave, you wrote: “I am particularly concerned about young girls getting into relationships with narcissistic guys. I can help by telling parents what to watch for, the earliest stages can provide those red flags.”
This has been something that has been on my mind for many years, that there should be some sort of advice and information given to girls as early as their teens – yes, teaching on “What is a healthy relationship?”
As a result of my narcissistic family background, I became what is termed a “Woman who loves too much”…there is a book with that title written by Robin Norwood. Here is a link to a list of characteristics which are classic amongst WWLTM ..whom, I must add, are very often targets for men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (quite a toxic mix!):
http://www.ta-tutor.com/webpdf/ram167.pdf
I am thankful to be part of an internet forum (Daily Strength) with the name ‘Women who love too much’…and if you should need more examples of narcissists, you will meet over 1,000 experts there – yes, former partners of men with NPD. The damage that many have suffered is tragic…yes, many had parents with NPD.
(Just one thing I wanted to point out there is a difference between people with narcissistic ways and those with narcissistic personality disorder)
Thanks, Mary! Yes, in several posts I have made the distinction between narcissistic characteristics and NPD. In fact, very few people will be diagnosed with NPD by careful counselors. Nina Brown talks about Destructive Narcissistic Pattern, which has been more helpful. Personally, I believe there is a continuum of behavior and attitude.
Must thank you! I searched Nina Brown on the net and by doing so came across a support group for adult children of N’s in the country where I live (in Europe)…and in this country’s language! Which is great as I have many non-English speaking friends who would benefit greatly by reading the stuff I find on NPD, etc. (which so far has all been in English!). Now I can recommend this support group to them.
I wont say it was a coincidence, as I dont believe in those!
God works in mysterious ways…….
Thank you again!
I’ve had a troubled relationship with my mom since my early teen years (I’m now 28). I recently discovered Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it pretty closely matches my mom. She and I didn’t have much contact for several years (like five) and for the past two years haven’t had any, except on holidays/birthdays. Truth be told, I have very mixed feelings about the way our relationship is right now…it’s much easier on me to not have contact, but she’s very close with my sister (who I live with), and I still hear things she says about me, and it’s painful. I would like to restore the relationship, but my attempts have only made things worse. So here’s my question…
Most sites I’ve read about NPD say there’s no recovering from it, really; once a narcissist, always a narcissist. They recommend low to no contact and releasing any expectation of change. I can understand why this is the conventional wisdom, and I think the contact bit is probably healthy, but I struggle with the expectation part. It strikes me as hopeless, and I want to have hope in the face of absurd odds, in all situations, including this one. I have yet to talk to anyone about this who agrees that hope is a good thing here, which I can somewhat understand, as in their minds, my wanting hope is the product of the conditioning of a parent whose tentacles around my heart and mind haven’t quite lost their grip.
I don’t want to downplay that possibility, as I will be the first to admit that I still occasionally struggle with believing my mom has ever been wrong about anything–it feels like a betrayal of the deepest sort to believe anything negative about her, as that’s how she perceives my feeling hurt by her. I have some growing to do. However, I believe there’s also something to be said for not completely going the only route conventional wisdom offers. I want to be both wise and intensely full of hope, both for her and for our relationship, even though (if I’m honest) I barely feel most days that a relationship with her is something I desire; I have very little emotional connection to her at this point. I guess what I’m saying, though, is that I want to desire a relationship; I don’t want to become someone who feels justified in losing hope in God’s ability to transform the hardest relationship in my life. So I’m wondering what others’ experience and advice is in the hope department.
There is always hope. If I didn’t believe that, I would have run away from my narcissist a long time ago.
Just take care of yourself first and let God handle the rest.
Thanks Sue!