It’s Narcissist Friday!
A few days ago someone searched for an article on narcissists who hate their wives. I can imagine the pain and sadness behind that search. The search led the person to this blog and the article I wrote a few weeks ago on narcissists and hate. It may be time to address this again.
When we think of hatred, we usually think of someone who desires to destroy another. Hatred brings to our minds a malignant passion against the other person. In other words, if I hate someone, I want them to suffer. I may want to be the one who makes the person suffer. This is an active anger toward a specific person. The more I hate someone, the more focused I become on that person.
But the narcissist doesn’t see other people as people. For the most part, the narcissist doesn’t hate in the way I stated above. Now, I have to say again that there are varying degrees of narcissism in people and some who exhibit narcissistic tendencies may have the kind of feeling described above. Yet, the narcissist does not focus on a person; he focuses on an obstacle.
The wife who feels that her husband hates her should watch him as he expresses his feelings toward others. Does he really care who the person is? If it is the driver in the other car, can he even tell you if the person is male or female, young or old, alone or with others? He really doesn’t care. All he cares about is that the person in the other car cut him off and made him feel insecure for a moment. It’s the feeling he hates and it was caused just as much by the other car as by the other driver. The same is true in his feelings toward co-workers, people at church, family members, or almost anyone in authority. He cares nothing for the individual. He only hates the fact that they make him feel intimidated or inferior. That’s what he hates.
So this isn’t about you. In fact, it probably has nothing to do with you at all. He may find you a useful tool for releasing his frustrations about other things. He may feel that having a wife and family holds him back from pursuits or freedom he would like to have. Remember that most narcissists live in a fantasy world. He probably thinks of himself as a great lover, able to have many conquests—if only he wasn’t stuck with you. He may believe he could run the company—if only the bosses would get out of his way. He almost certainly believes that he could run the church, preach the sermon, or counsel the hurting, better than the leaders at church—if only the people would listen to him.
So why does he pick on you? Remember that a narcissist sees others as tools, toys or obstacles. You are close, easy and safe. I am not trying to be cruel. Your narcissist knows so little about love because he just doesn’t see others as people. For the same reason, he knows little about hate.
I think one of the reasons Jesus taught so much about loving each other is to show us the broken and evil nature of our flesh. The more we seek to protect ourselves, the less we value others. The narcissist has been stuck in a vicious pursuit of self-preservation and self-presentation since he was a little child. Very likely, by the time he found you, he was already incapable of love or hate. He was just able to use.
“He only hates the fact that they make him feel intimidated or inferior. That’s what he hates.”
I think this is a key statement, at least in my situation. In fact, my N will tell you doesn’t hate anyone, but loves everyone. It’s the way others make them feel that is the problem. They are so “self” centered, that it doesn’t occur to them that their behavior could have any affect on others.
I beleive narcissits do hate. In fact, hate is the only emotion that fuels them. They guise love, mimic love… to get something from those they are performing for- but the real hate comes out towards the spouse/significant other….because THEY SEE…what’s in the bottom of the heart of the Narcissist- which is NOTHING.
They hate the one who observes their true self and behaviors and almost want to kill the one who KNOWS. It’s creepy. Those that dont know, who the Narcissist truly is, keep him in his delusion. But the one who knows threatens to uncover his game. And the outward appearance, the ‘Image’ is to be supremely worshiped. At all cost, the Narcissist will go to any lenghth or extreme to protect what they PROJECT. They begin to hate the one who sees their facade. The more you call them on their lies, the more thay hate you. The more you expose their treachery, the more they want to murder you…and that murder might just be character asassination. Being master manipulaters, there is almost a taunting overture,”NO ONE believes you! See,I’m faster than you and more clever than you! The more you tell the truth, the more I will come behind you and discredit you. NO ONE believes you because I am so good at the cover-up! You will never expose me and I will destroy you while you try! Catch me if you can!”
Wow. THe more you try to live in reality, the more they sabatoge you.Forget about love…the only satisfaction you will get from a Narcissist is the confirmation that you are hated. When they tell you they love you, you should realize that their idea of love is having someone, an object of their dumping of all their worthless feelings they have. Someone kind enough to take it and absorb it. And if they dispose of all that on someone innocent who really does care about them…well to them…they do love you. They love you because you’re stupid to them to receive their punishment. That’s not love! That is sadism, hate and murder to any soul.
Every relationship they attempt winds up in the muder of the next soul who tries to love the Narcissist. And when they have accomplished, what I call, “the perfect murder” covering all their bases, destroying all evidence, cleaning up the murder scence, so to speak… They will innocently depict themselves as the victim…say they dont know what happened to you, say they feel so bad for you, you had problems, you went crazy…and on and on… like a criminal being questioned by the cops as a suspect murderer…they will answer every question effeciently and never flinch with any guilt. They will theatrically pretend to have cared for you and pull off their deception AGAIN! Then it’s off to the next victim and the repeat the same thing over and over again. Serial murders, the acute, malignany Narcissist. Murder doesnt always have to mean, murder of a body….could mean the murder of ones’ person, spirit and soul or their safety and well being. Pick up you pieces and move on. You are worth being truly loved!
Catherine, thank you for putting your emotion into this comment. Truly. It is easy to look at narcissism from a clinical and theoretical perspective and not understand how much it hurts people. The cruelty of narcissism has led to suicide, murder and despair.
The hatred the narcissist feels comes from fear. He hates you if you begin to understand him, as you say. He hates you if you make him feel uncomfortable. He hates you if he sees you as a threat. The rest of the time he simply uses you. Yes, his actions as he uses you are as cruel as hate, but the truth is that he never even thinks of your feelings. All he thinks about is his own feeling.
Great comment!