It’s Narcissist Friday!
I suppose that it’s true to say that narcissists usually ruin Christmas as they do almost all other holidays. There are so many stories of narcissists spoiling special family times. Their need for control and attention seems to rise to new levels on special days.
But it may be that narcissists don’t really understand holidays. The special days are either terrifying or exciting for them and for the same reason. Remember that everything must revolve around the narcissist in order for him to be comfortable. As long as he can control the things around him, he is okay. But when an extended family gets together, the narcissist’s comfort is threatened. There may be someone who doesn’t like him. There may be someone who is better than he is at something. There may be someone who understands him. None of these is acceptable. So, strange things happen to avoid or ruin family times.
It may be an office party with all the positioning. It may be a special time at church that could put him on the spot. It may be the exchange of gifts, where he can’t be sure that his gift will work to focus attention on him. Whatever it is, the narcissist is probably going to be uncomfortable at Christmas. 
Just think about gift exchange. If the motivation for the gift isn’t love, what is it? Because the narcissist will be unhappy if his gift to another is larger than the one he receives, and he will be unhappy if his gift to another appears to be smaller than the one he receives, he can’t win. And, since he is unwilling and unable to take the time to actually know a person well enough to give a sensitive gift, he can’t ever be sure how well it will work. Often, the narcissist will focus on funny gifts, designed to make himself look clever, rather than enter into the real giving spirit.
And this is just one part of the holiday stresses for the narcissist. Are they coming to her house? How much work are they worth? Will she be expected to entertain them or wait on them? Will she have to cook for them? And laugh at their jokes? And smile for them? On and on.
So, this holiday season, lower your expectations. You will probably see your narcissist at his or her worst. Relax. Of course something will happen, but the narcissist only defines himself. As much as possible, enjoy your family and friends and remember what Christmas is all about. You are loved!
Hi. Thank you for this posting of a Narcissist at Christmas – I had such a strange experience this Christmas with someone who clearly is a Narcissist. Just need to share this for what it’s worth. Maybe advice or confirmation. My “boyfriend” is a Muslim. I have maintained an open mind and one of curiosity about Islam but will never convert. He is very jealous of my ex husband, with whom I have a cordial relationship for the benefit of the children and who comes on Christmas. I’ve assured my boyfriend there is nothing to worry about. So, on Christmas eve around 6 p.m. he called to tell me he left his watch in the men’s room of the mosque in a town about an hour away from where I live. He wanted me to go get it for him. I told him I would but I couldn’t with the family there. He seemed annoyed – even angry that I wouldn’t do that. The next day was Christmas. I called to ask him if he was able to retrieve his watch and to take a peek in on his mood. He was cold and told me he wasn’t the least bit upset, but that he was cancelling our New Years Eve weekend plans because he was going to go see a woman friend – who he knows I don’t care for – and wouldn’t be able to spend the weekend – as we had planned – with me. I got upset and since this has been such a long-standing problem with him, I decided to end the relationship. The point is – he tried to upstage Christmas and then he tried to punish me with cancelling New Years plans. I tried to talk to him, to tell him how hurt I was, etc. But, he was like ice and just cut me off and said he had to get off the phone. So, the bottom line to this is – you are absolutely right. They will try to steal Christmas – like the Grinch – even if they’re not Christian.
Tia,
You didn’t pass the test, right? I would be interested as to whether your relationship continues. If he cannot control you, he may simply abandon you. Or this may be the preview of things to come in your relationship down the road. If he is a narcissist, he will have to know where you stand in the order of his life. If you present a factor which he can’t control, he will be uncomfortable and there may be many such tests. On the other hand, if you give in and fall into the place he wants, you will find your part of the relationship becoming less and less important.
You really can’t win with a narcissist. I rarely tell people what I think they should do in a specific sense because I don’t think that’s my place, but I would certainly want you to be aware that these things do not get better. If you feel tempted to restore your relationship with him, you might want to do some reading on the subject. One book you may appreciate is “Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist” by Carter and Sokol.
There are so many questions I would like to ask. Has he always been a Muslim? Is he from that culture? It goes through my mind that narcissism in relationship may be viewed as positive for a man in that culture. You don’t have to give me any answers, of course. It just offers a question for me to think about.
Please feel free to write with any questions or thoughts. Thanks for the note!
Thank you so much for your kind response to my comments. Yes He has always been Muslim and is from Jordan. He “used” that woman with whom he broke our New Years weekend date to spend some time with for years before meeting me. She is married and was in love with him which annoyed her husband (yikes!) BUT, he adamantly maintains that she is only a friend (because she’s fairly unattractive. Figures, right?) to get a job. Then, after he got the job, he “allowed” her “find” an e-mail I’d sent him so she would become angry and not want to see him anymore. I’d asked him to tell her about us since she is only a friend, but now I realize he was playing her to get the job. Anyway, some time ago i began to wonder if he was a naracissist because whenever I’d ask him to tell her, he would get angry and then demand that I stop being so “insecure” and “jealous.” I knew that it was all wrong. So, I often would try to leave the relationship, but then would give in, call him and we’d be back together for awhile. Until it would happen again. I began to also see my own complicity because i was kind of “stuck” on him – even though he claimed to love me. I couldn’t stay away for a long period of time. I knew the time would come that i would have to. So, this last time, it had been a couple of months since she found out and we’d been getting along beautifully. I wondered if maybe it could work and that I’d been wrong about my assumption he was a narcissist, but i promised myself that if he did it again, i would pray for the strength and courage to leave the relationship. In the meantime, he’d asked me to marry him (which thank God I wouldn’t) and basically everything was fine with us. No arguments. Nothing. But, last week i began to sense a shift in his energy again. It’s as if another person is in him that comes to the surface and then things get bad between us. He is mean, cold, indifferent, doesn’t call and accuses me of things (like my ex husband)
Also, his mother and his family don’t approve of me because I’m American and Christian. Since I’d been active in the inter-faith peace network in Buffalo, I had an open mind toward Muslims, but this guy is no scholar and really is a very strong Muslim. He tried to convert me and I just tried to keep an open mind to his religion, but told him despite all the faults the “church” may have, I am a Christian through and through. Sometimes he would argue with me about the faith, i.e. Holy Spirit, Crucifixion and I would just tell him that he was entitled to his ideas but i was just fine being who i was. Recently, he was making a bigger deal of his praying 5 times a day, and gave me a Qu’ran and was telling me he was afraid of burning in hell and seemed to be more and more fearful in general. i was deeply concerned about his deteriorating psychological condition because he was becoming more and more wrapped up in the Qu’ran and it’s fear-based controlling religiosity.I couldn’t debate with him or he’d get angry and tell me that I was going to go to hell. I soon realized that we couldn’t have any common ground and that this would be a battle someday and i would have to walk away because nothing in this world could take me away from Jesus Christ. How funny that he would stage this on Christmas? I just can’t over it. I had no choice but to end it. So, that’s it basically. No I am never going back to him, even if he were to call. He’s staging his great silent treatment which is what he does. So, i don’t expect him to call and quite frankly I’m really glad this is ended at last. You’re right about the Muslim male arrogance. Also, as our relationship grew from the beginning when he chased me for weeks to go out with him, he would occasionally let it slip about his marriages. At first he said he had an exwife – so i thought there was only one. After a few more months he’d tell me about another and another. Recently he told me that he has had 6 wives, two of whom were first cousins. I knew I was going to end this anyway, but he set the stage and I saw my way out. So, it’s done. I can almost hear you laughing. It’s so ridiculous, I’m shocked that I stayed in it for a year, but love has a strange power over the mind. Now I know this isn’t love at all – it’s something dark and I don’t want anything to do with it.
Thank you again. Your thoughts are very helpful. I admit I’m still a bit wounded by it and wondering if I was wrong in my assumption that he’s a narcissist or if this is just the way Muslim men are. In either case, I can’t be with him – maybe for both reasons. I welcome your thoughts on this.
Tia,
He has done this to six others! (At least six that he has admitted to you.) Amazing! You are wise and blessed to get out.
Good for you! I grieve for those who marry narcissists and I am glad that you have been able to get out before that. I hope you have a system of protection in case his anger leads to violence. Typically, narcissists aren’t violent, but some are and others have no particular qualms about hurting physically if they think it will help their cause. And they are amazingly good at blaming their violence on their victims. So, please protect yourself.
We are usually deceived by the things in our own hearts, the needs that have grown there over time. Those needs blind us to the red flags we should be seeing in relationships and decisions. As you realized, it isn’t love as much as it is the promise of having those needs fulfilled. It seems that there are always people willing to take advantage of those needs in us. You might find some benefit in exploring why you were open to someone like this, especially when so many clues were there early in the relationship.
Narcissists, in general, are very attractive. I don’t mean physically, but emotionally. They know just what buttons to push and just how to manipulate people. They have been doing it for so long and it is necessary for them to be good at it. It is easy to be impressed with or even to fall in love with a narcissist. Like many predators, they lure their prey with attractive and addictive bait. Then, after a while, the other “person” you mention comes out. Too often, the connection is strong enough by that time that the narcissist is able to control his or her victim. Sounds incredible, but this is just how people experience it.
No, I didn’t laugh, although I did allow myself a gasp.
Thank you. I feel such a mixture of things – I feel sad for him, for his interior emptiness, loneliness and inner agony. i feel sorry that when I have to defend a boundary of mine, one which he has invaded, he feels attacked, even assaulted and retreats into his inner den. It’s sad that we can’t have an honest exchange of ideas that have any real depth. I feel sad that what began so beautifully, so full of promise, turned out to be a fist of ashes. I feel very sad for him. But, I cannot stay with him because I too have a life to live and mine is authentic, vitally alive and full of hope for happiness. He seems to resent my joy, which stems from a full engagement with life, even those who are hurting. I know I can’t help him and that too is sad. I can only leave. And, with God’s grace I will continue to look forward and never backward. That’s the key, I think: never looking back and knowing you’re doing the right thing. I also know that there is something in me that must have unconsciously invited his predatory behavior and that I have to look at and take responsibility for. That’s my life lesson in this. Anyway, thank you Pastor Dave. Your blog has been very helpful. I wish you much joy im this new year.
i had my christmas & christmas eve party spoiled this year by an adult child chooses to stay up all night and sleep all day at my house during christmas after presents are opened. this year i evaluated the same ongoing situation for the last three years seeing a pattern. i decided to not spoil grandchildren christmas by having the adult child host christmas morning at their house for opening presents that way me and my husband were free to leave whenever we wanted to and they could sleep all day at their house. I will christmas dinner at my house for them to decide if they want to show for it all if they want leaving the responsibility for their choices on them not me!!
Yea! Good for you Joni! Sometimes it takes a while to realize what is happening, but the answer in many situation is simply setting boundaries. Boundaries put the burden back on the narcissist/user. Expect whining and arguing, but stand strong and you will see changes. Narcissists have needs and will compromise to get those needs met. Boundaries force them to see you as separate from themselves. Next week (2-2-12) I will write about boundaries. Thanks for sharing this!
After having a relationship with a narcissistic mother for 43 years, the only feeling I have left is sadness. Sadness because my father stood by and witnessed and experienced the same I did however no one came to my rescue. It was through therapy and setting clear boundaries that I’ve managed to keep her at bay. I’ve moved cross country 2 times in an effort to create more miles between us but the “mandatory” phone calls are dreadful and they drain the life out of me. To the point of not caring about trying to keep her in my life for the sake of my father. At this point all I can say is that I look forward for the day when I don’t have to deal with her, ever…..
Dee, I grieve with you for what you have never had. Children should have parents who care and pass on love and health. Your father is a victim as well, but he still should have intervened for you. It sounds like you are working through your feelings. Negative feelings are valid feelings also. The desire for distance is part of the victimization.
I have suggested to others that they let the answering system take the calls. Get caller id so you know who it is and stand right there while the machine takes the call. Doing that will give you a feeling of control. Then you call her back with the tv on and a cup of coffee/hot chocolate in your hand. You have to call back or it doesn’t work, but you call on your time and when you are feeling good about yourself. The tv is available to distract you when she starts her thing. Also, if you call you will feel more confident when you are ready to end the call.
these little things are surprisingly difficult for most victims, but they aid a process of healing without the separation. The problem of separation is that you still aren’t in control of the relationship. Her words and attitudes are plugged into your mind and you want to be able to overcome them. Doing this in active relationship is very helpful in giving you freedom while you are apart.
Of course, I am not at all suggesting that you reestablish anything you have already ended. I don’t know your situation, so I am speaking generically. Maintain your distance and your control. Both are possible and both are healthy.
Meanwhile, I will be praying for you. I never know where people stand, but I do know that the Lord loves you. He really does.