They and I

Rachel at “three in one makes five” writes about meeting some of what she calls “uber-conservatives:”

When I see them my throat starts to close.  My heart starts to pound.  I find myself mentally reviewing all the reasons I believe submission is mutual and I start to shrink into my shell.  Sometimes I start shaking.  I always start sweating.  My foot starts tapping and it is all I can do not to run from the room.  I analyze what I am wearing, trying to put the most modest spin on it in my mind.  My heart starts to feel constricted and I can feel a tight band around my entire chest.  My brain starts to shut down and I panic.  I panic.

Hah!  Boy, do I understand that!  Maybe it’s knowing that you are being judged.  Maybe it’s feeling like they are cruel invaders that want to take over your life.  Maybe it’s just remembering and re-feeling some of the pain of the past. 

I don’t hate them.  I don’t want bad things to happen to them.  I want them to learn about the love of God.  Because of what I have learned about grace, I can see the need in their lives.  I know they are hurting.

But I don’t really want to talk with them or spend time with them.  Yes, they do bring up bad memories.  And I know they haven’t changed.  If I wait for them to apologize, I will probably never get satisfaction.  So, I am nice when I see them.  Cordial.  But, no, they can’t have a piece of my life again. 

Jesus, I long for the day when all of this will be over and we (they and I) will stand together in love and in your presence forever.  Until that day…

1 Comment

Filed under grace, heart, Relationship

One response to “They and I

  1. I’m not sure why it took me so long to find this, but I wanted to say I really appreciate your thoughts on this. I feel (often) that they are there to take over my life and it’s just so hard to remember that they can’t. 🙂 You said “But, no, they can’t have a piece of my life again.” I need to remember that. 🙂

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