Under Your Skin

It’s Narcissist Friday!

     Narcissists get under your skin.  One of the ways for a counselor to determine whether a person might be the victim of a narcissist is to observe the emotional response of the person.  Often, there is an almost irrational anger.  Sometimes there is confusion and weakness.  Sometimes there is no emotional response at all, the victim has been drained.  These are all normal responses to having a narcissist under your skin.

     Even counselors are warned to watch their own emotions.  One of the diagnostic questions I have asked counselors is whether they feel like they could justify murdering the counselee.  Those feelings, which obviously are beyond normal and productive in a counseling relationship, can arise from the frustration and bondage of working with a narcissist.

     A few weeks ago I asked here if narcissists hate, if that is just normal for them.  Now I want to ask if you hate.  Do you find yourself hating someone and then feel guilty or confused because that emotion is not normal for you?  Do you fantasize about ways that person could die and finally leave you alone?  Believe it or not, these are not healthy or normal emotions.  But they may be part of your relationship with the narcissist.

     You see, narcissists get under your skin.  They play head games.  Sometimes it’s just part of the plan to keep you off balance and easier to control.  Sometimes it’s an opportunity for them to get out their need for superiority or cruelty.  Someone has pointed out that narcissists are usually not physically abusive.  That’s because they are so good and so effective at emotional abuse. 

     But you have to protect you.  Find a counselor who understands narcissism.  Understand that your confusion or rage or emptiness might be part of your relationship with that person.  Understand also that these emotional states are not normal and could even be dangerous for you.  It may seem obvious that you couldn’t act on your rage, but people do and sometimes they end up in big trouble.  It is getting almost common for the wife of a narcissist to bear a great burden for a long time and then break suddenly with disastrous results.  Before you return to reality after doing something terrible, get some help.  Please!  You do have value and people do love you!


*****Note to narcissists (I know some of you are reading this): this article is not about you.  Your desire to murder or get rid of someone is to serve yourself and your need for attention and achievement.  Just because you see someone in your way does not mean you can justify malicious thoughts or cruel actions.  But I would look over my shoulder occasionally, if I were you, because your victims may break at unpredictable times. *****



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2 responses to “Under Your Skin

  1. Sue

    Hmmm, interesting thoughts. I’ve never contemplated killing or how my NPD might die, thus freeing me. But I have thought about what my life would be like if he weren’t in it. My fantasies are more about divorcing him and living with my teenage daughter on our own. In fact, she’s indicated she would prefer it.

    “You do have value and people do love you!”

    This is a huge statement that you’ve made to us. I know this is something that I struggle with often; NPD’s make you believe that you have no value, that they are smarter than you, and that you a just a hysterical, crazy person.

    I’m slowly learning this and am slowly being convinced that I am not crazy.

    By the way, I’ve recently found a christian counselor with experience in personality disorders to counsel my husband and I. I am very much looking forward to some healing….if at least myself!

  2. Mary Kate

    I absolutely love your posts about this subject. I have been dealing with a friend the last 2 years who I believe to be a narcissist. She recently lied to me and instead of an actual apology when I confronted her, she tried to justify her actions by blaming me because I went into labor early. I was so shocked by this because how does a person control when she goes into labor? All I wanted was a genuine ‘I’m sorry’ but it’s as if she has zero remorse for hurting me. She’s has done things like this a lot and every time I want to cut my losses and cut her out, she does something nice like gives me a gift (granted it is always something that she likes and not usually what I like but it’s the gesture that counts) or something then I feel like an awful person for wanting to cut her out and get roped back in. My entire pregnancy, she would say hi to me, never ask how I was doing and immediately complain to me about it the silliest things such as her not being able to work today because she got he period or her husband didn’t send her flowers when she told him she would be mad if he did or anything like that. I can’t think of one day in the last 6 months where she didn’t have something to complain about but the moment you have something, she thinks you are being over dramatic and self centered. Ugh anyways this article truly speaks to me and I feel moments of pure rage followed by guilt that I have never felt before until I met this woman lol.

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