It’s Narcissist Friday!
Qaddafi. Khaddafy. Gadhafi. Kadafi. How about just “cad”? To call someone a “cad” is to label him as less than a gentleman. Whatever you think of the politics of the situation in Lybia, I think we would agree that it is less than gentlemanly to hide in a tunnel or escape to another country while ordering your soldiers to fight to the end for your lost cause. Yes, I know that this is the way leaders of nations live to lead another day, but what must it be like to be that soldier who finally understands that he is easily expendable, just a tool to be used so the great leader can continue to live in excess?
Sadly, the feelings must be much like those of a spouse or a child who begins to understand that the narcissist in their lives sees them in the same way. Tools to be used. Expendable. Like soldiers in the dictator’s army, those in relationship with a narcissist find that they have no rights because they don’t really exist at all. It’s no wonder that the people under these dictators rebel and it is no wonder those in relationship with a narcissist are often filled with rage when they begin to understand.
So, two things. Be patient with the anger, sadness, confusion of the person you know who has been married to, parented by, or working with a narcissist. They might cuss. They might rage against the inhumanity (which you probably don’t fully understand). They might just sit and cry because they think back over the years and see the lack of real love in their relationship. They might do all at about the same time. Be patient. A narcissist can be so hurtful.
And maybe you are the victim of a narcissist. Maybe you feel that rage, that sadness, that emptiness and confusion. You have been used by someone who doesn’t even know how to love, someone who has seen you as a means to an end. It hurts in ways you didn’t know you could hurt and few people understand. Please don’t despair! Tell yourself the truth:
It’s his (or her) problem!
I am a person with value and rights!
It isn’t all about him (or her)!
I don’t need him (or her) in order to survive!
There is good in this world!
There are good people!
My life matters!
I will go on and enjoy my life!
And here’s one more that may be challenging for some, especially in the midst of your pain and anger. It is still true and it will help to say it out loud:
God loves me!