Narcissists and Hate – More

It’s Narcissist Friday!

A few days ago someone searched for an article on narcissists who hate their wives.  I can imagine the pain and sadness behind that search.  The search led the person to this blog and the article I wrote a few weeks ago on narcissists and hate.  It may be time to address this again.

When we think of hatred, we usually think of someone who desires to destroy another.  Hatred brings to our minds a malignant passion against the other person.  In other words, if I hate someone, I want them to suffer.  I may want to be the one who makes the person suffer.   This is an active anger toward a specific person.  The more I hate someone, the more focused I become on that person.

But the narcissist doesn’t see other people as people.  For the most part, the narcissist doesn’t hate in the way I stated above.  Now, I have to say again that there are varying degrees of narcissism in people and some who exhibit narcissistic tendencies may have the kind of feeling described above.  Yet, the narcissist does not focus on a person; he focuses on an obstacle.

The wife who feels that her husband hates her should watch him as he expresses his feelings toward others.  Does he really care who the person is?  If it is the driver in the other car, can he even tell you if the person is male or female, young or old, alone or with others?  He really doesn’t care.  All he cares about is that the person in the other car cut him off and made him feel insecure for a moment.  It’s the feeling he hates and it was caused just as much by the other car as by the other driver.  The same is true in his feelings toward co-workers, people at church, family members, or almost anyone in authority.  He cares nothing for the individual.  He only hates the fact that they make him feel intimidated or inferior.  That’s what he hates.

So this isn’t about you.  In fact, it probably has nothing to do with you at all.  He may find you a useful tool for releasing his frustrations about other things.  He may feel that having a wife and family holds him back from pursuits or freedom he would like to have.  Remember that most narcissists live in a fantasy world.  He probably thinks of himself as a great lover, able to have many conquests—if only he wasn’t stuck with you.  He may believe he could run the company—if only the bosses would get out of his way.  He almost certainly believes that he could run the church, preach the sermon, or counsel the hurting, better than the leaders at church—if only the people would listen to him.

So why does he pick on you?  Remember that a narcissist sees others as tools, toys or obstacles.   You are close, easy and safe.  I am not trying to be cruel.  Your narcissist knows so little about love because he just doesn’t see others as people.  For the same reason, he knows little about hate.

I think one of the reasons Jesus taught so much about loving each other is to show us the broken and evil nature of our flesh.  The more we seek to protect ourselves, the less we value others.  The narcissist has been stuck in a vicious pursuit of self-preservation and self-presentation since he was a little child.  Very likely, by the time he found you, he was already incapable of love or hate.  He was just able to use.

26 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

26 responses to “Narcissists and Hate – More

  1. Sue

    “He only hates the fact that they make him feel intimidated or inferior. That’s what he hates.”

    I think this is a key statement, at least in my situation. In fact, my N will tell you doesn’t hate anyone, but loves everyone. It’s the way others make them feel that is the problem. They are so “self” centered, that it doesn’t occur to them that their behavior could have any affect on others.

  2. Catherine

    I beleive narcissits do hate. In fact, hate is the only emotion that fuels them. They guise love, mimic love… to get something from those they are performing for- but the real hate comes out towards the spouse/significant other….because THEY SEE…what’s in the bottom of the heart of the Narcissist- which is NOTHING.
    They hate the one who observes their true self and behaviors and almost want to kill the one who KNOWS. It’s creepy. Those that dont know, who the Narcissist truly is, keep him in his delusion. But the one who knows threatens to uncover his game. And the outward appearance, the ‘Image’ is to be supremely worshiped. At all cost, the Narcissist will go to any lenghth or extreme to protect what they PROJECT. They begin to hate the one who sees their facade. The more you call them on their lies, the more thay hate you. The more you expose their treachery, the more they want to murder you…and that murder might just be character asassination. Being master manipulaters, there is almost a taunting overture,”NO ONE believes you! See,I’m faster than you and more clever than you! The more you tell the truth, the more I will come behind you and discredit you. NO ONE believes you because I am so good at the cover-up! You will never expose me and I will destroy you while you try! Catch me if you can!”
    Wow. THe more you try to live in reality, the more they sabatoge you.Forget about love…the only satisfaction you will get from a Narcissist is the confirmation that you are hated. When they tell you they love you, you should realize that their idea of love is having someone, an object of their dumping of all their worthless feelings they have. Someone kind enough to take it and absorb it. And if they dispose of all that on someone innocent who really does care about them…well to them…they do love you. They love you because you’re stupid to them to receive their punishment. That’s not love! That is sadism, hate and murder to any soul.
    Every relationship they attempt winds up in the muder of the next soul who tries to love the Narcissist. And when they have accomplished, what I call, “the perfect murder” covering all their bases, destroying all evidence, cleaning up the murder scence, so to speak… They will innocently depict themselves as the victim…say they dont know what happened to you, say they feel so bad for you, you had problems, you went crazy…and on and on… like a criminal being questioned by the cops as a suspect murderer…they will answer every question effeciently and never flinch with any guilt. They will theatrically pretend to have cared for you and pull off their deception AGAIN! Then it’s off to the next victim and the repeat the same thing over and over again. Serial murders, the acute, malignany Narcissist. Murder doesnt always have to mean, murder of a body….could mean the murder of ones’ person, spirit and soul or their safety and well being. Pick up you pieces and move on. You are worth being truly loved!

    • Catherine, thank you for putting your emotion into this comment. Truly. It is easy to look at narcissism from a clinical and theoretical perspective and not understand how much it hurts people. The cruelty of narcissism has led to suicide, murder and despair.

      The hatred the narcissist feels comes from fear. He hates you if you begin to understand him, as you say. He hates you if you make him feel uncomfortable. He hates you if he sees you as a threat. The rest of the time he simply uses you. Yes, his actions as he uses you are as cruel as hate, but the truth is that he never even thinks of your feelings. All he thinks about is his own feeling.

      Great comment!

    • So. Dead. On. I tip my hat to you, Cat, you nailed it.

      • basicknead

        this thread is SO accurate to what I have lived out in a long marriage to my malignant narc husband, they are great actors, and great at framing the one who cared AT ALL about them, so they can continue looking innocent and fabulous. They are also very talented at picking out the one’s to help them get their needs met. It took me quite a while to “get it”, because I had a really hard time believing anyone could actually hate, de-value, and manipulate SO MUCH, but sure enough, it’s true.

    • Dacus

      You are spot on! This is exactly what they do! It takes a very evil demonic person to do that to the people they pretend to love. They are pathetic frauds.

  3. Repol

    My husband finally admitted yesterday that all his terrifying, foolish, destructive, unstable actions (physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, financial) over the years have had one purpose: to destroy me. He drew energy and his own sense of being out of destroying first his ex-wife and then, for the last many years, me. Does this mean he is an N, or is it something else?
    I am thankful for the truth finally being admitted to. I have known it for the last couple of years. Prior to that, I just couldn’t believe he (or anyone) would really set about with such energy to destroy another person, but after it kept on and on even after witnesses and counseling and confrontation, I had to admit it. Yesterday, he did too. He would not have if we had not separated, and as he is now losing is source, he is having to question what his existence is based on.
    Will he turn to Christ? He has that as an option. He had it before too, after his first wife divorced him and before he met me. But then I interrupted the process and by agreeing to marry him, gave him that same source of feeding his flesh that he had before. Like Pharaoh, he hardened or God hardened his heart to stay in his same state even though he had said he found Christ.
    What happens next? I do not know. I am relieved and thankful for this bit of truth. I am frightened and shaken by how very close I must have been all that time to actually being murdered. God stayed his hand, his weapons, his intentions somehow.
    Pray for me to stay on my guard. I believe he is finally beginning to tell the truth-but is it just to get me back, so that he can return again to the source he needs to define him? To get back someone to destroy? Or is it real repentance? I need time to tell, and time to heal myself and find my renewal in Christ too. I do not want to be deceived again, and I am not willing again to be destroyed. No more. Please pray. My church wants me to let him return to our home in less than 3 weeks. Right now, I think that is far too soon. I can’t know anything in such a short time, and I can’t heal the effects of almost two decades of terror and destruction in such a short time either. I need to be made very strong in Christ’s power and in true righteousness and founded on his grace now. Pray he comes quickly to me, like a flood!

    • Penny

      Repol~perhaps this will help:
      http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/06/kathy-krajco-self-preservation-under.html?m=0

      Your husband’s “confession” is quite chilling; I’m no psychiatrist or MD, but many sociopaths/psychopaths can also make such statements devoid of any remorse or repentance. Can he change? Yes. Will he change? Probably not. More importantly, God does not require YOU to be the source of that change. God CAN change him, but God doesn’t need YOU to do it, nor would God be so cruel as to demand that of you. I was struck by Jesus’ words about the Pharisees in Matthew 23:4–“They tie up heavy loads, hard to carry, and put them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing even to lift a finger to move them.” Meaning, the religious leaders of the day held others to a standard that they did not require of themselves! Do not allow these modern-day Pharisees to do this to you–Jesus has already spoken on it, so say it back to them! Are they above Christ? Are they going to protect you & your girls? Or, just demand more suffering? They are “the blind leading the blind.” I will be praying like mad for you, my sister!!

      • Dacus

        Penny, Thank you for posting this in response to Repol comments. I wanted to offer advice but your comment is the best advice anyone could offer. Wow you said it it all perfectly. I will be praying for you too Repol and for all who have been emotionally (and/or physically) abused by a narcissist.

    • UnForsaken

      Repol, trust your need for more space. Ns ( or whatever issue he has) all have troubles being put off, and you will have a better idea of whether or not he has changed by making him wait.

      This is what I fear for you: if the church gets you back together, esp. in their timing, he may feel sanctioned to begin abusing you again. He had them back him up in this, he can fool them again, and get even stronger in doing it. It would be worse than it was before.

      Of course, if you do stall and need more time, be aware you will have to take precautions – maybe like changing locks , Etc.. Because as he has not honored you in the past , why would he follow your wishes now? I think he’s only gone along with you thus far to get what he wants – more hold over you.

      I’m totally with Penny on this one. Your church is making demands that Christ is not expecting from you. God wants you to keep your ears tuned to Him alone right now. I will continue praying you have the physical and mental space to be Able to hear Him! You may not feel it now, but you will have peace looking back on the things He leads you to do. Praying for your daughters too!

    • There’s only one reason I can think of that a N would admit to being narcissistic, and it isn’t repentance. One of the most common experiences of those who finally desire to separate from an N is this sudden confession and pleading. I hear it all the time. So be very, very careful. Now he can say that he admitted his errors and you wouldn’t respond. It is always for the N’s benefit.

      If he was repentant, he would understand your need to separate and support you in it. He would take the suffering on himself without complaint and try to help you from a distance. When a kind-hearted person understands that he is toxic to another person, that he is causing pain, he will want to stop causing that pain, even if that means some distance must be maintained. But the narcissist will make all kinds of admissions and expect you to make the changes.

      There is nothing about this that sounds sincere to me and the church should stay out of it. You don’t have to listen to them. Do what you need to do.

      Still praying…

    • donna

      Don’t let that asshole near you or your kids unless it’s on your terms.

  4. HDG

    Pastor Dave,Have you read the book CHRISTIAN MEN WHO HATE WOMEN ? I found this book VERY helpful in understanding my Christian N boyfriend’s thinking and use of scripture. I still fight the urge to ‘give him the benefit of the doubt’ (maybe if I did this /I shouldn’t have said that/maybe he’s right about me etc.) it’s going to be a long recovery. Being able to share here and reading books helps me know I’m not alone.

  5. Kay

    I have read a lot about narcissism and almost memorized everything from Sam Vakin (sp?) But this thread hit in on the head for me. Thank you all for your great posts. It’s comforting to find people who know exactly what I’ve been through.
    I dated a narcissist off/on for 6 yrs – I knew what he was but I was addicted to the fun/energy/sex/intermittent drama/charm. That’s what always drew me back. Finally – knowing who he was – I married him. We were in our 60’s.
    I knew it was a crapshoot and I was taking a huge gamble. Had been married before 31 yrs – 4 great kids. I wanted to see this roller coaster ride out and was sure I could handle him. Lies/exaggerations/big dreams/gashlighting/undermining/selfishness/humiliations/ — I took it all thinking if I loved him enough, he’d stop. It only got worse. He knew if I accepted it, he’d raise the ante.
    When I stopped fawning over him – demanding my rights – and livid at his blatant disrespect, the real trouble started. Narcissistic rages. In 8 yrs I’d never experienced so many. All this anger — why? Because I found my self respect and was finally losing my patience with his 6 yr old. He spent all his money ( l00K / yr) on himself – I lived on my social security – maintained a very expensive hobby, drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney, and kept me a veritable prisoner – cutting me off from his family by feeding them lies about me. My life was taking care of him. But I’d left so many times – I lost count.
    The end. My daughter called and said “Don’t plan anything for 4 days in June. I’m taking you to Vegas for your 65th birthday!!” I was so excited – shared that with my narcissist husband who replied…… ” YOU CAN’T GO!”
    WHY? Because he hated me spending time with my family and if he couldn’t go on a trip WITH me — there would be no trip. My face turned white.
    The next day – I packed all my stuff and left. Only thing there is my furniture.. that’s how “light I travelled” — I KNEW in the back of my mind this marriage wasn’t going to work – my intuition was right on target and my children were practically screaming.. DO NOT DO IT!… I had the presence of mind to keep my house an hour away ( paid for with my daughter living in it), my finances separate, made a revocable trust 3 mos before our wedding, never changed my drivers license or any of my accounts to reflect my married name NOR did I combine income tax returns.
    This man did not marry a stupid woman. I am a semi retired professional musician and considered beautiful by many. I am a good person – and raised 4 great kids after 31 yrs of marriage that ended in 2001.
    I started getting treated to ” smug glibness” – we’d agree on things and he’d turn around and do what he wanted – then laughed at me that he got his way. It became exhausting. So what was fun in 2006 – is now not so fun. I thought I could handle it .. but then I said to myself.. ” Is this the best I deserve???” Why did I think it was my “job” to fix this guy? I got sucked in by the charm – the bs – the promises – but now he’s back to 5K in debt after filing bankruptcy. Made a promise to myself that if he started digging a financial hole – I’d bail. The hole has begun. 5K in 2 months. I signed NOTHING.
    All I can say is…. if it hurts you – that’s not love. If it feels wrong – it is. NEVER DOUBT YOUR INSTINCTS. I don’t blame him. I blame me. I threw the dice and lost knowing he was a very bad risk. Now? Will let him file for divorce.. Why should I pay for it? And until then… I get health benefits — Will come in handy now that I need a hip replacement!! PROTECT YOURSELVES. BE SMART. Never listen to what a person says — WATCH WHAT THEY DO!!! Peace.

    • Penny

      Wow-I am exhausted just reading this. Be careful with those “health benefits”. He/they may sue you for premiums owed by him, or he sign docs you’ve never seen making you the responsible party. These Ns lay awake nites thinking of ways to remain entitled but never responsible….they are pros at this. Sam V. is a good start, but be careful there also, b/c IMHO he is & will always be an N.

  6. Mary

    This article describes my ex husband completely. He made my life miserable from the day we conceived our only child. How can a human being be so cruel? How can a man treat his wife poorly when she is the breadwinner? After the divorce I have finally found myself again and know now that it wasn’t me!!!

  7. Dee

    The best thing to do if u are married to a N or is Involve with one is to Leave him.He is not gone to change.It’s all about him n his ego.We dont matter to them.We are Nothing!! To them means Nothing to them We are they Garbage when they get tired of us.They will throw us Away!! So move on There is more joy in Acceptance then There is in Struggle.

  8. ann

    They will not change.We are wasting our time n. engery its, Time for us to move on.its more joy in Acceptance than there is,in Struggle

  9. ann

    They will not change.We are wasting our time n. engery its, Time for us to move on.its more joy in Acceptance than there is,in Struggle.

    • Well mine never changed! He only put on big song and dance! Not only did he continue to have affairs, he stole from business partners, blame shifted his clients, used the kids as pawns, abused credit, defaulted on loans, ignored court orders, abused porn, tried exploiting younger women, always played mind games, thought everyone should bow down when he walked into a room, always had to be in limelight!!!!! The big old LOOK at me syndrome! Sickening!! Glad I’m done! Now he drives his newest wife crazy! No thanks!

  10. Patrick

    It is so mind boggolling to believe that we are surrounded by individuals that have no empthy. Us the normal ones, can fathom that such people exist.

  11. Dee

    My husband really hates me.He is always angry with me.He gives me the silent treatment.He has been giving me the silent treatment for nine years. Thats our whole Marriage.Everyday he goes to work n back.He doesnt say a word to me.Ive asked him over n over why he doesn’t won’t talk to me.He says talk to u for what.I aint gotta talk to u.I know this isnt. Normal.for a man to have a wife n family. N dont wont to have nothing to do with them. N we have a son thats nine n he is wondering why my daddy treat u like this rather treat us like this.

    • Dacus

      I am sorry that you are being treated like that. Please know it is not due to anything you’ve done. It’s because of the person the narcissist is inside his own soul (if he has one). If you do not get out of the marriage for your own sake then please do it for your son and/or children. Staying with a man that treats you that way is teaching your son how to treat women and exposing him to becoming a narcissist himself. As a mother myself, I know you would not want your son to be exposed to that kind of behavior or life. Please for your family sake get out of the marriage and never look back. There is life after the darkness and you and your family can heal and recover from the emotional abuse. Please seek a support system and counseling to help you leave him if you cannot do it on your own. Make arrangements to do it when your husband is at work so that you can get out with all of your belongings. Take everything and sort it out later if need be. Just do it and don’t tell him you are going to do it. If you don’t, he will eventually and he will never look back. He will abandon you and son and he will not think twice about it. That’s what they do. I was my ex for 13 yrs and the whole time I didn’t even know he was a narcissist until one night his mask fell off and the next morning he got up and moved out. All he could say were four words. That’s little they value people. Four words after 13 years was the best he could do. Pitiful soul is he. I would say he did did me a HUGE favor but he would just get narcissist supply from it if he ever comes across this blog and post. Narcissist have nothing to offer or give to anyone so you have nothing to lose but yourself and children if you don’t get out. You can do it!! God can help you all you have to do is ask Him for help. Prayers.

  12. ELsonta Tucker

    Ok.. But everyone knows right from wrong including the N …. I’m just sick to my stomach on top of that I’m extremely disappointed in myself💔😤😤😤😤 embarrassed I just want the images that dance around in my head to go away. the fact that this bastard have an invisible hold on me that I want so desperately to disappear is showing he won!!! Now i have to fight to reprogram myself to have self love happiness confidence. But all of these emotions I’m facing is unbearable.

  13. notlongnow

    Sorry I am late to the party. I came here after my husband screamed at me today in the car that he hates me and added, “that’s its the TRUTH!!”. It was chilling but I was not surprised. I have suspected he has hated me for years. He also said he doesn’t care if I live or die.

  14. Lea Anna Curtis

    I am so sorry “notlongnow”. That is so horrible. Please find a way to leave. No one should have to endure that kind of treatment. I will pray.

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