I Want to Help

It’s Narcissist Friday!

Why do I write about Narcissists?  Well, as I have said before, I have some experience with them and I know how difficult it can be to have to deal with them on a regular basis.  Those who are in relationship with narcissists, whether through marriage or family or work, know that these people can be very difficult.  It helps to know that there are others struggling with people like this.  It also helps to be able to state that the behavior and ideas of narcissists are hurtful, wrong, and abnormal.

But the main reason I have been writing is to help those who don’t realize that the person they are dealing with is narcissistic.  I have tried to give some definitions and some of the more popular books so readers could learn.  I have made myself available to answer questions and to give encouragement.

I was well into a counseling relationship with a narcissist before I understood what was happening to me.  I was being manipulated and used by a master.  My strength and emotions were being stretched to the breaking point.  Everything about this person seemed reasonable—maybe a little more intense and needy than most, but there were some extenuating circumstances.  When I understood that the circumstances were of his own making and I was just part of the game; and when I realized that I was being used in his attempt to make himself look good; and when I began to see how he was hurting the people in his life—then I became angry.  And when I began to understand that I had met people like this before, that narcissism explained some other strange and difficult relationships in my life, I began to study.

It is my intent to continue to write about narcissism and narcissists.  It’s Narcissist Friday seems to be working out well.  The thought has gone through my mind that this part of my regular blog could spin off to something more, something that would stand alone.  But it is very important that this topic remain connected to the message of grace and the love of God.  Victims of narcissists feel so unloved, so unacceptable.  They have been made to believe that they are responsible for the things that have happened to them.  Some, in their anger against everything their narcissist represents, have left the church and their faith.  I believe it is important to tell them the truth.

If you are or have been in a relationship with a narcissist and you feel drained of your self or confused, if you feel as though no one understands or will believe you, I want to offer hope.  There is a God who loves you.  It is He who is drawing your heart toward health.  To Him you are valued, even precious.  Don’t despair!  The journey is not over.

Please feel free to write to me using the contact info on this page.  If it doesn’t work for some reason, write me an email at dave at gracefortheheart dot org.  I will pray for you and answer you.

12 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

12 responses to “I Want to Help

  1. SueM

    Dave,

    I want to encourage you in this part of your ministry by sharing something with you.

    When I first discovered your blog, my husband had just been professionally diagnosed as a narcissist, with a side helping of anti-social personality disorder. My whole world had been turned upside down. While I finally had an answer to for his bizarre behavior, 19+ years of living in this nightmare had taken its toll on my own heart and mind.

    I was researching and everything I was finding told me to run as far away as I could. But my faith and beliefs made me scared to do that (not to mention how he might react). If you remember, I asked you if a narcissist could be saved.

    Your answer was a pivotal point in my journey to healing. You gave me the glimmer of hope that I needed and pushed me in the right direction.

    I am healing, getting stronger….and I am still with my husband.

    And God will be glorified.

    All because of Narcissist Friday. 🙂

    God bless you!

    • Sue, thanks so much for the words of encouragement! They mean a lot. You are brave and strong to keep going as you have. I never judge those who choose to get out of a narcissistic relationship because I understand how difficult it can be. Narcissists abuse and I have heard people, particularly wives, say they would rather be physically abused than deal with the emotional and mental pain their narcissists have given. Some just have to leave.

      God has given you a special grace to keep going. Yes, I believe there is hope, even in the darkest of circumstances. At the same time, there are things you can do to protect yourself and naming the enemy is a good start. I am learning that narcissists can be handled, but it takes considerable toughness. You must be pretty tough! I continue to pray for you.

  2. Sue

    Thanks Dave. I have a wonderful Christian counselor, who is helping me to understand who I am in Christ….and not who my husband says I am. I am still with him, but I can’t guarantee what will happen in the future.

    Right now I am getting stronger, finding peace in the chaos, and learning to trust God.

    I encourage anyone in this kind of relationship to find a good Christian counselor who will teach you just what God’s love is really like….it’s nothing like what the world teaches…it never rejects.

    Sue

  3. After 11 years of being married to a cheating, lyin narssist husband – I feel physically beaten-down. He has had numerous affairs throughout our marriage and taken him back several times only for him to cheat and lie again.
    He left me in June on My Birthday for his new women.
    I pray to God that I will recover from this.
    Thankyou for you Website – It has given me strength.

    • Susan, I am so sorry for what you have had to suffer and what you are suffering today. Please know that Jesus loves you and you will recover from this. Yes, you will probably have scars, but you will be able to move on and find health and strength again. In the meantime, you will feel weak and hurt and lonely and angry and all the things our emotions do when we have been beat up. Be sure that you don’t beat yourself up for the confusing and, sometimes, overwhelming emotions. Part of healing is to admit to yourself what you are going through. There will be another day, a good day.

      I hope you will write to me again. I do care and I am praying for you.

  4. K B

    I have read & reread every one of your articles on narcissism numerous times. I have been married 32 years to a verbally abusive controlling narcissistic husband. On the staunch advice and encouragement from our minister, a mental health counselor, my daughter who recently left an 18 year marriage to a narcissist, I am covertly in the process of leaving my husband. I pray and dream for peace, serenity and sacred time to find the person I once was. I am scared to death!!!

  5. Tan

    Thank you so much for this site. Its a blessing to come across a Christian website on narcissism. It has helped me immensly. Sometimes i think Christians least understand this disorder, are the most sucked in by it. It is incredibly hard to explain to Christians. I currently do not go to any church for the last 18 months and am very isolated after a 5 yr narcissistic relationship, engagement and smear campaign with a man who is told and thinks he is called to be a Pastor that has left me deeply depressed and questioning everything including my faith. I feel like the walking dead. There is so little understanding in the church. It is supposed to be a sanctuary for the wounded?? I feel worse after trying to talk to Christians about this. I had to cut everyone from my life connected to the narcissist, he knows a LOT of people. I find it incredibly hard to trust even God now. This happened after a divorce (ten yrs ago) I had 5 yrs of healing from that marriage to then get involved with the narcissist, who was worse. I was trusting in God at the time when i met him?? Narcissism was just not something i was even aware i should be looking out for, especially among “Christians” or “Pastors in training” Its been an eye opener, a shocking one. Ive come face to face with true evil. Its left its mark on me. I feel poisoned. I feel like i need an excorcism.

  6. Tan

    NOBODY understands why i am soo affected by this. I feel like i was his scapegoat (the narcissist) and then sent off into the wilderness to die.
    I used to think God had a plan for my life etc etc i used to feel his love. I see “Gods blessings” in peoples lives around me my best friend and ex Husband are both getting married (i am happy for them) and i am just a wasteland with no real hope of recovering from this, let alone having the ability to ever form another relationship, i have nothing left. I do see a counsellor, she understands to a degree but i cant get rid of this feeling of evil i carry around inside me, and hopelessness. To top it off my kids are growing up with 2 of them left home now. I feel i have no purpose the future looks bleak nor do i have the energy to do anything, ive had the life sucked out of me. Ive barely been able to pray as i think i have been seeing God like the narcissist.

  7. Tan

    My best freind and ex Husband ore not getting married to EACH OTHER lol. Thought i would just clear that up!

  8. Lourdes

    I am hurting so much, it’s killing me. I have been texting to comments. Telling my story of my breaking up my 9 years that i spent with a man that I love and had to leave him, witch I really didn’t want to do. But I did, I have been without him for a month. And hoping for him to realize that he shouldn’t of let me go. I did this so , maybe he would miss me and call me back. It’s a long story, I don’t know if it’s my fault or his or his 40yrs old nasty niece. I couldn’t handle it anymore. But it seems he don’t care if I am gone. He is 58 going on 59 soon, and I am 55-year-old. I love him so much. I know his niece has bad habits. And leaved with us 3 times come and go. She cause problems. But defend her more, and she cry to him that she be looking for a job to move out. But she wouldn’t. I told my man it’s either me to move out or her. He didn’t stop me. Help me get strength. I want to be strong and forget him and I can’t. I get weak when I see him and he knows! I had to pick the rest of my stuff cause he called me. When I got there he easily took me in the bedroom. The next day I saw him on the road and I called him he didn’t answer the phone. I called twice. I got angry so I text him.I said to him why wouldn’t answer. He called back and yelled at me ugly things and not to call him again. Please I hate holding my thoughts, feelings anger in front or hiding all my hurting so my mother and my sister won’t see. They think I am handling pretty well. The worry to much cause I have had bad luck with men.

  9. Susie Q

    We had a good childhood and siblings did much together. Mom’s behavior was sometimes confusing and abnormal, but we all got along and respected each other. Our older sister took her life at 27 and left a 2 year old daughter, with whom I grew close. As older adults, mom became more abnormal in private, not public. My three younger sisters and brother even my niece, sometimes Dad eventually listened and mirrored her pointing finger…fueled by my sis in law’ disdain of me from the get-go. ( Mom sided with her so my brother wouldn’t suffer consequences. Mom actually spilled that to me!) Extended family stopped communicating with me, when before we all liked each other. My dad, whom all loved and admired, had always been submissive to her, but finally put things together after a bombshell. He felt compelled to come to me. He was so sad, morose and confided ” this is tragedy–not family, but a group. You don’t deserve this and we let you down.” He apologized at 92! Im
    Mom would cry for no known reason;btell A it was about B, but tell B it was something A did. I passed off her claims/stood up for others I was weak, I guess. If it landed about me, the others tagged along. Her lies got worse and the blaming ridiculous– and they learned to believe her, joined hate, forgot what’s real ( and kept on her good side) They don’t know of real incidents, and I didn’t tell. I didn’t want resentment. The saddest of all is: Beautiful relationships are now distant… More and more painful. Too bad there wasn’t a voice recording ( just my notebook) on Dad’s visits and conversations! My siblings probably thought all Dad’s visits were to reprimand me! It was the opposite. Four years after he died, Mom just died. Bless his heart, my brother really choked up before leading a toast to mom. He’s good…and golden. I get that. I loved my mother too and appreciate her good parts. Why dont we do so with any human? Simultaneously, I grieve for loss of valuable relationships. My children suffered too. They’ve lived it first-hand.
    Thankfully I have a good and growing relationship with God. I also can’t stop crying! I’ve studied about this behavioral disorder; my siblings haven’t. That’s common. Is there an alternate name to narcissism? When those in the ring don’t see how manipulative and controlling, it can grow like a cancer– metasticizing in repetition and patterns. They’d chide me more if I mentio the word. As our dad noted to me, it’sgeneratons…loss of relationships and character. ( continues after that person dies).
    Our brother, the only other sibling living in this town, visited her often. When I went, My hubby insisted on accompanying me as a witness! He saw; he knew. ( They heard; they beloved.) Other 3 daughters often flew home together to visit our parents and brother. They didn’t dare contact me. Mom just died. We grieve– in different ways. I’m lonely and wish my deceased sister were here. She was extremely intuitive in her suffering. I try to remember I kept my promise to her and to God–relating to my niece; and to anyone, especially blood, when in need. But I’m lonely, sad.

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