It’s Narcissist Friday!
I wasn’t planning to write about this today. I recently had a disagreement with someone that went differently than I expected. In fact, it reminded me a lot of the argument style of a narcissist.
If I were to believe this person, the only reason I disagreed with him was because I didn’t understand him and I wasn’t willing to give him enough time and attention to convince me. The truth was that I did understand and I did disagree. That doesn’t seem so hard.
But those who have been in relationships with narcissists understand that this is very hard for the narcissist. You must agree with them. If you do not, you are either stupid or wicked. I actually had a narcissist tell me that he had figured out the problem with his wife: she was either sick or wicked. Either way it was her problem.
This is just another method of depersonalizing someone. I understand the frustration of not being heard. I understand how some people just cut you off and don’t let you give an explanation. It can be difficult. But I also understand that categorizing someone as either stupid or wicked denies the possibility that they might be right.
Once the narcissist is stymied, once he realizes that you are no longer going to accept his reasoning, he will become nasty. Venom seems to be on the tip of his tongue and you will get it. Apparently there are no holds barred.
Why is the reaction so strong? Well, the narcissist constantly deals with feelings of inferiority and weakness. He worries that he will be caught and exposed. If you disagree, you must be stopped before you can show him to be wrong. If he can’t stop you with more reasoning, he must stop you by intimidation.
This is something experienced by almost all people in narcissistic relationships. As I have said before, they must win. Winning is so important to them that they will be amazingly cruel when necessary. He can win by “superior” argument, or by intimidation, or by becoming the victim. If you were not so mean, you would listen more and be kinder. Whatever it takes to get the upper hand.
Okay, that’s enough about my problem. Does this ring any bells for you?