Where is your heart, narcissist?

It’s Narcissist Friday!

 “But we used to share so much.  We had intimate conversations and he told me all kinds of things about himself.  I thought he was sharing his heart.  What happened?”

I receive statements like this from time to time.  Some even argue with me that their narcissist was empathic and giving of himself.  They thought they knew him—until he turned on them.  Then they met a person they hadn’t known before. 

Some, of course, found out that it was all a lie.  The real story was quite different.  I have known wives who found out about his previous relationships because never-before-mentioned kids show up on the doorstep.  The “dead” parents turn out to be very much alive.  The ex-wife is actually a very nice person (and another victim).  All of these things happen.  Narcissists can be very good liars.

But more often the truth lies in the details of the conversations from the early days.  Narcissists are predators of the heart.  They know what to use as bait and they lure your heart to the surface.  They listen carefully and know quickly what you want to hear.  Then they say just the right things to spark excitement in your heart.

Along the way they tell you little.  When the narcissist shares who he is, he is sharing who he wants to be or who he wants you to think he is.  So there is nothing of his heart in what he shares.  You think you are getting to know him, but you are only getting to know his image, what he wishes he was.  He is very good at making this sound real.  He has been able to get jobs and multiple relationships and many friends by sharing this story.  He shares enough so that it is believable, but not enough so that he can be challenged. 

But you.  You needed someone to talk with and laugh with.  You needed for someone to listen to your heart and hear your dreams and fears and frustrations.  Those early conversations felt so good!  You poured your heart into his hands and loved doing it.  Something in you hesitated, but you pushed right past the caution because it felt so right. 

A relationship with a narcissist is not a relationship of the heart.  It is a one-sided affair where a hunter lures his prey out into the open with treats and pleasant sounds.  The poor buck hears sounds of love and promise only to find that it was a trick.  When the prey realizes what has happened, he learns that there never was a relationship or even a real offer.  The hunter was only thinking about his next meal. 

I know that sounds harsh.  Some will readily agree with me.  Others still feel love and compassion.  I understand and not all of it is a lie.  The narcissist did need you and you may even have learned a little about his pain and weakness.  But whatever truth you learned was a cause of fear for him.  Some of you were pushed away just because you knew too much.  Others were just used and dumped.  But some were not pushed away at all.  He still needs you.  He stills tries to draw you back where you can serve whatever needs he has. 

Sadly, this can be translated into almost any kind of narcissistic relationship.  The friend, the pastor, the wife, the sister, the parent—whoever your narcissist is, the heart connection may not be what you think or what you need.  There may be no heart on the other side at all.

It isn’t that a narcissist has no heart.  Like the Tin Man, the narcissist has repressed his heart so far that he is no longer able to find it himself.  He only has access to the pretense and he thinks that’s his heart.

3 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

3 responses to “Where is your heart, narcissist?

  1. Kelly

    I really like this post. I like every post 🙂 Anyway, this is so true. I can’t believe that I could be married for 21 years and NOT KNOW him. Really? You are right his heart is so buried and he just runs and runs and runs for new supply all the time. I wonder what old age will look like for him?? During our divorce he made the most ridiculous statement to me…”I hope I find someone just like you Kel” OMGoodness…really? Talk about a gaslighting statement! Thanks again Dave.

  2. Tammy

    Kelly,
    Don’t beat yourself up. Narcissists are like vampire chameleons. You want purple? They’ll be a sweet purple loving chameleon until you are hooked. or married. especially after children. Then their true colors and fangs are revealed, only to suck the life out of you.

    I know. I ended up with one at 17, too naive to heed the glaring warning signs of dishonesty and control. You stay because of what could be instead of what actually IS. You stay for the children or the hope that they will ‘grow up and be a real man’ one day… That day never comes.

    A stronger personality will keep them in check, but a co-dependent, compliant person will excite the need for a higher quality of narcissistic supply. Just as Pastor Orrison describes, the best supply is supply given under extreme pain.

    The reason that a narcissist will seem to want you after the split, is because you have regained strength and independence. The farther they pull you down from where you are, the more supply they get from it.

    Think of it like crack to an addict. Strength and life is crack to a narcissist, but he has to drain it from YOU in order to use it. The harder you fight, the less supply he receives. If he grows weary of trying to push you down to the depths of exisence, he will eventually move on to find someone that is easier to manipulate, destroying lives along the way.

    This may not be popular with some people, but I have to say it. I believe that Narcissists, and especially extreme cases, are controlled by demons. They have the ability to destroy a person’s self worth, they prey on the weak and naive and yet somehow seem to find an endless supply of victims that are blind to their evil ways.

    Satan is the ultimate chameleon. He has to be. Who would follow a creatue that LOOKS evil right into Hell? My ex-husband is good looking, smooth talking and charming. Why would a demon pick a homely looking person with a menial job? No, he will pick a business owner, firefighter, physician… any nice looking successful person will do.

    Why? It’s easier to draw in victims. It’s as simple as that.

    Pastor Orrison’s has received wisdom from God which has been life to the veins of my ex’s second wife. Truths have been revealed to me that I never saw when I was married to him. I have shared this with her and in this case knowledge is definitely power.

    God is working miracles through the internet and this blog. Healing has begun and there is hope growing where there was no hope. Our hope and yours is in Jesus Christ.

    • Kelly

      Tammy, thank you so much. I really appreciate what you shared. I think I do beat myself up for what my ex did. You have awesome insight. I also think I am learning more and more as I am away from him. It’s been about 1 1/2 years. and I realize on some small scale how incredibly abusive the whole thing was.

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