He’s Laughing at You

It’s Narcissist Friday!

Narcissists rarely joke.

They stab and laugh.  They make fun of you to belittle you.  They demean others and then laugh because by demeaning others they think they have lifted themselves up.

Some narcissists are the life of the party.  They are not as intense or as combative as their overt cousins.  They slap you on the back and welcome you into their circle.  They are the “good old boys” and when they bring you in, you feel like you are someone special.

But you aren’t.  No one is special.  You are just another tool to keep around.  Sometimes you will laugh at the narcissist’s jokes.  Sometimes you will agree with his mean assessment of someone else.  Sometimes you will do something he can laugh at or tell others.

When he tells you the secrets of others, you feel like an insider.  You laugh along with the cruel comments because it makes you feel good to be included.  But what you don’t realize, at least at first, is that you are the butt of the jokes when others are around and you are not.  And, if you begin to become a threat to the narcissist’s feelings of superiority, you will be the joke while you are present.

It really doesn’t matter to the narcissist if you are his wife, his child, his work associate, or his friend.  If he feels that he needs to lift himself up in a conversation, provide a funny story or an example of his superiority, he will use you.  Then, when you are embarrassed or humiliated, he will remind you that it was only a joke and you should be a good sport.

Not all narcissists become intense and angry during an argument.  Some just laugh at what you say, as though you are stupid for saying it.  By directing the focus to your inferiority, he doesn’t have to listen to what you are saying.  And, if you get angry, he will call you on that.

So, remember two things:  First, it rarely pays to get into an argument (or a relationship) with a narcissist.  He must win.  If he can’t win by his “superior” reasoning, he will win by making you look and feel inferior.  If you enter into the argument, be prepared and willing to lose.

Second, just because he makes you feel angry and look like a fool doesn’t mean you are one.  This is a tactic, a strategy, he uses in battle.  The fact that he uses it may actually be an indication that he is afraid you make sense.  He may not want to listen and tells you that you are stupid to think what you do, but others may accept what you say as wise and helpful.  The narcissist represents only himself.

Listen: you don’t need friends like this.  If you can get away, do it.  Cut your losses.  If you are afraid that he will make fun of you for getting out of his circle, you probably should realize that he is already making fun of you.  You lose nothing.  If you are married to him (or her) or he is your boss at work, you may not have the same option.  Just be sure you don’t let the narcissist define you.  A narcissist is not a good judge of character.  They don’t take the time to know you.  They only have time for themselves.

Narcissists are not funny.


Filed under Narcissism

10 responses to “He’s Laughing at You

  1. Lydia

    This one hurts because it hits so very close to home. I’ve known clearly for about a year that my father is a narcissist and have been reading this blog for several months. I’ve related many, many times but no other example has described my father as this description. It is like you know him it is so very accurate.

    • I am truly sorry for what you have gone through. It is natural to feel a certain loss and anger as you begin to understand. Let yourself go through that without condemnation. The truth is that you did not have what you should have had and you are beginning to understand that it has not been your fault. After the anger and the grief, there is a freedom or peace that comes. It wasn’t your fault. It is important to be free of the guilt the narcissist used to manipulate. He’s the one with the problem.

      Please feel free to write me anytime. I am praying for you.

  2. Kelly

    The “friend” who I invited to leave my life was just like this. I am so grateful she is out of my life and won’t be in my wedding tomorrow. I know she would have made a rotten remark about my wedding dress and she loves to cut everyone down with snide jokes. She would have humiliated me.

  3. Making conversation by making fun of others, I’ve seen this many times, by the narcissist I know. I thought it was a result of lack of education or experience, that the people had nothing to talk about. Now I see that it was a means to bring glory and attention to the narcissist. Sad.

    • Narcissists are weak people who use almost anything to control the focus of others. They have no concern about hurting others because they don’t really value others. They only value themselves and the image of themselves they have created. Yes, it is very sad.

  4. Jill

    I had a narcissist boyfriend who always said, “Its just a joke” I became so annoyed at this! I began to realize how much he hurt me by “joking” and would never care if it made me cry

  5. Troubled

    It is all so confusing. You are supposed to laugh at their jokes and treat them like royalty so they will like you. Do not contradict them or say anything bad about them or you cannot be part of their “in group”. Yet in studying Narcissism once they have you wrapped around their finger they will discard you. If you are inferior you are out but if you actually part of the in crowd they want to be apart of,,,well those people have a different set of rules. They can be forgiven by the N but us inferiors we are just invisible. So am I supposed to worship or act like i’m to good for him and play so called hard to get? I keep trying to wrap my mind around this. I do not like to be made to feel like dirt and everyone else is OK. I really feel I’m the only one he has written out of the script. Sorry I can’t get over it. Made even harder by the fact that if it is just he and I, then I’m not invisible. But if any of the “In Crowd” is around, I’m invisible. So I don’t know if I’m supposed to bow or ignore. I have to work with him. I just want to be treated normal. And not invisible.

  6. Kate

    I suppose one “red flag” I have come to see as a narcissist warning is when someone “jokingly” responds to someone’s success by saying “I hate you!”
    After I lost weight, my friend said how much she “hated” me for it. When I hear people say they hate someone (for something that clearly does not warrant it) I immediately pay attention to the other things they do and then suddenly it all makes sense. Who would even joke that they hate someone they care about? It’s not even funny. A conscientious person would never use that word, even as a joke, because, well, it’s hateful! You know??
    So far I’ve found this phrase to be a laser-accurate warning to keep a healthy distance.

  7. Just didn't see it coming

    You nailed him in every way, it’s creepy and edifying all at the same time.

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