It’s Narcissist Friday!
Narcissists rarely joke.
They stab and laugh. They make fun of you to belittle you. They demean others and then laugh because by demeaning others they think they have lifted themselves up.
Some narcissists are the life of the party. They are not as intense or as combative as their overt cousins. They slap you on the back and welcome you into their circle. They are the “good old boys” and when they bring you in, you feel like you are someone special.
But you aren’t. No one is special. You are just another tool to keep around. Sometimes you will laugh at the narcissist’s jokes. Sometimes you will agree with his mean assessment of someone else. Sometimes you will do something he can laugh at or tell others.
When he tells you the secrets of others, you feel like an insider. You laugh along with the cruel comments because it makes you feel good to be included. But what you don’t realize, at least at first, is that you are the butt of the jokes when others are around and you are not. And, if you begin to become a threat to the narcissist’s feelings of superiority, you will be the joke while you are present.
It really doesn’t matter to the narcissist if you are his wife, his child, his work associate, or his friend. If he feels that he needs to lift himself up in a conversation, provide a funny story or an example of his superiority, he will use you. Then, when you are embarrassed or humiliated, he will remind you that it was only a joke and you should be a good sport.
Not all narcissists become intense and angry during an argument. Some just laugh at what you say, as though you are stupid for saying it. By directing the focus to your inferiority, he doesn’t have to listen to what you are saying. And, if you get angry, he will call you on that.
So, remember two things: First, it rarely pays to get into an argument (or a relationship) with a narcissist. He must win. If he can’t win by his “superior” reasoning, he will win by making you look and feel inferior. If you enter into the argument, be prepared and willing to lose.
Second, just because he makes you feel angry and look like a fool doesn’t mean you are one. This is a tactic, a strategy, he uses in battle. The fact that he uses it may actually be an indication that he is afraid you make sense. He may not want to listen and tells you that you are stupid to think what you do, but others may accept what you say as wise and helpful. The narcissist represents only himself.
Listen: you don’t need friends like this. If you can get away, do it. Cut your losses. If you are afraid that he will make fun of you for getting out of his circle, you probably should realize that he is already making fun of you. You lose nothing. If you are married to him (or her) or he is your boss at work, you may not have the same option. Just be sure you don’t let the narcissist define you. A narcissist is not a good judge of character. They don’t take the time to know you. They only have time for themselves.
Narcissists are not funny.