Predictable?

It’s Narcissist Friday!

“Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?” Luke 14:31 (NKJV)

I have often thought (and sometimes said) that narcissists ought to be easier to handle because they are so predictable.  They act and respond out of a set of chosen guidelines, usually determined by their fears.  Their flesh patterns are so strong and so rigid that they do pretty much the same thing in similar circumstances.

The problem with this is obvious.  Different narcissists are different and the things that trigger their fears are different.  We may state that narcissists often react against a certain thing, but we may not know how an individual narcissist will react.  This is one of the reasons psychology is dismissed as a science by many people, the results are not easily predictable or repeatable.

The other problem is that every human being is complex.  There were many incidents that caused fear or insecurity in your narcissist’s past and he or she may react differently to current events that link with those incidents.  The reasoning behind the narcissist’s actions may not make sense to you simply because you did not live his life.

However, I maintain that a certain amount of prediction can be done by those in close relationship with the narcissist, especially those who have been in long-term relationships.  You know when he is lying.  You know when she is building up to a rant.  You know, for the most part, what his response will be to your idea.  I understand why you try again and again, but you know your chances for success.  You probably know many of the things that will set her off and you already avoid those things.

With that in mind, prepare yourself for the holidays.  This next week or so will be a challenge, but you may already know what the challenge will be.  There will be ways for you to be at peace and even have some good times, if you plan for them.  Instead of thinking of the holidays as a magical time when all your dreams come true, think of them as a time with many opportunities for blessings.  Instead of dreading the time, set yourself to find little sparkles of love and fun and happiness wherever they are and whenever they occur.  Plan for the battle, but don’t plan to fight.  Instead, see if you can find ways to slip around to grab the good.

I have written about narcissists and holidays, their fears and manipulations.  You might find these posts helpful.  You might not, of course, because they don’t apply to your situation.  But they are offered as ideas.  And you may find encouragement in the comments.

https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2011/12/16/the-narcissist-at-christmas/

https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2012/11/21/what-will-he-or-she-do-this-time/

Please know that you are loved and accepted.  I will be praying for many of you by name (or pseudonym) and lifting you before the Lord who consistently loves you.  May you be richly blessed!

6 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

6 responses to “Predictable?

  1. Laura

    Thank you for another helpful post about understanding narcissists and their behaviors. I sent you an email from my other email address tonight (I’m the mom of two little boys who posted on your 12/14 blog about loneliness and narcissism), and I am hoping that you received it, it didn’t give me a confirmation that it was sent successfully. In any event, I hope you and yours have a blessed Christmas and thank you for your insight and ministry here, I am truly grateful.

  2. Penny

    I just realized that I missed this post. Sigh….good thing I had read many others while gearing up for the holidays! And you are spot-on about N behavior being predictable. Thanks to so much wisdom from your pen, I survived a 5 day visit from my eldest son (age 31, going on 13…), a total N with ADHD & other disorders of personality. I try to tell myself that the day of arrival & departure do not ‘count’, so thus it was “only” 3 full days–LOL. No major fights, no meltdowns, no real surprises, but no expectations, either. He left yesterday, & today I am utterly exhausted & a little bit “testy”. Is this what it’s like for soldiers to “de-brief” after battle? I am worn out & unsteady. I just want to curl up under the covers & sleep. Any thots (or past posts) on how to navigate this?
    Thx.

  3. Angela

    Penny, this topic has come up with friends who have gone through trauma, both long term/ongoing and the crazy spurts that wear you down fast and hard. Our physical health has suffered as much as mental, emotional and spiritual. One thing that seems to work for these women (and myself) is to treat it as you have mentioned, that we have been through a war and are drained. (I am no doctor, and neither are these women I am talking about, but they are all sick with various things that were due to excessive stress, and all study natural/organic living methods as much as they are able) What works for most of us is to eat and sleep. Eat good foods to get your body back on track,yogurt, nut butter, good proteins, etc. no sugars or bad fats or over processed stuff. Sleep as much as you can stand for a day or three, and go for long gentle walks.Recuperate. Remind yourself that God is still God, nothing has changed there, His love for you stands no matter what flies at you. I often sing hymns sometimes through gritted teeth and tears until the songs start to flow from my own heart. Thats when- on my walks- I am ready to turn around and go home.
    Like I said, I am no professional, just passing along some stuff that has worked for me and others I know.
    God bless everyone, my prayers for all of you join with so many others’ prayers for your healing, hope and health in all aspects.

    • Penny

      Thank you, Angela! Eat, sleep, sing, repeat…..I can do that. I really can. And my dog will thank me. Blessings to you

      • Angela

        Penny, hi! A most happy new year to you, and to all who read and write on this site. In reading what people are going through it always feels like I know them, like I could recognize them if I saw them walking down the street. I guess this feeling of connection is one of my greatest blessings these days.
        I hope you are feeling better. ..and your dog too! (my poor little mutt gets shlepped around so much she has muscles and stamina like she is on steroids!) (Eat, sleep, sing, repeat…I LOVE that!)
        God bless you

  4. Penny

    And you as well!

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