Beware


It’s Narcissist Friday!

Narcissists can be predators.  They need their supply and they hunt.  Sometimes they hunt in support groups or churches or volunteer organizations.  They look for people who are weak and need to be lifted up.  They look for prey.  Sometimes they look for people who have already been victims.

I know that sounds harsh.  I wish it were not true.  But I have heard too many stories of people who went from narcissistic homes to narcissistic marriages or from one narcissistic relationship to another.  Sometimes I hear from people who have been in multiple narcissistic relationships.  If the issues of your own heart have not been overcome, you may be susceptible to the same trick.

So be careful.

Not everyone you meet is honest, no matter how much you want them to be.  Some people appear to be nice, but will hurt you.  It might be someone who appears to be a good friend, listening and caring and so helpful.  It might be a pastor or a counselor.  It might be an attractive and caring person who seems to be as lonely as you.  It might be someone you meet on the internet, someone who has presented himself as a victim.  It might be someone from the dating service.

You know the signs.  You’ve been through this before.  The person listens so well and you tell your whole life story, which really surprises you because you weren’t planning to do that.  The person wants to know things about your family and where you live and more.  You begin to correspond off the group or outside the church because he/she feels a special connection and is hindered within the system.   Watch for the red flags and don’t let yourself get used again.

What kind of person would take advantage of someone who has just been victimized?  In the extreme, it’s someone like Ted Bundy.  But most likely it’s just someone else with needs.  They are hurting, too, but their pain is a little different from yours.  You want a relationship of real love.  They just want another person to use for their own pleasure.

Have you ever wondered how the narcissist can go from relationship to relationship?  It’s because he uses people.  He wears people out.  After a while the words of adoration and the compliance seem to lose something of their intensity and he has to find someone new.  Interestingly, he probably says that you stopped loving him.  Love, to the narcissist, means feeding the narcissism.

So you don’t want to do this again.  You would never have done it the first time if you had known the truth, right?  You thought you were seeing things clearly then, but you were deceived.  Narcissists are expert deceivers.  And, sadly, if you forget to pay attention to the red flags, you can be deceived again.

Here’s a suggestion: find someone you trust, a friend or family member who loves you, and talk to that person about any new relationships.  If you find that you are becoming connected to someone, even someone online, talk to your friend.  If you find that you don’t want to talk to your friend, because you think he/she will tell you something you don’t want to hear, then wake up because it is probably happening again.

Predators, trolls, schemers, jerks.  You don’t need another one.

shark

Acknowledgements to Leigh Rubin, creator of Rubes, and the Creators Syndicate.  Click on the image to enjoy great cartoons!

2 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

2 responses to “Beware

  1. Fellowsurvivor

    “He/She uses people, he wears people out” That just about somes up what a narcisists is, as a verb.

    I’m worn out. I’ve nothing left to give, “To Her”

    Just got out of a 23 year marriage. Mediation was yesterday and the wife had a pretty good go at me. She is getting more stuff $$$
    but I am getting all the important stuff, like my daughter’s heart. I asked for all the children’s books which are priceless. She didn’t even want one. I asked for all the childrens toys that I spent hundreds and hundreds of hours playing with, I asked for the toothfairy collection meaning all of our daughters baby teeth, and she didn’t even care. All she wanted were the crystal water goblets and silver serving pieces. The things with $$$ value. Flesh Value.

    David, you should write a piece on “What does the Narcisists Value” besides themselves of course. We all know that.

    I do know that they DO NOT exhibit ANY Fruits of the Spirt, as outlined by Paul, and thats a fact. In Timothy 2 somewhere, I can’t remember exactly, but he outlines what kinds of people to avoid and includes several characteristics including, lovers of money, boastful, pridefull, deceiptful etc.

    Lets say for instance, I value my daughter’s happiness and wellbeing over all things other than Jesus. Where my wife would value a chance to go on a fancy trip more than my daughter’s happiness and wellbeing. I mean really, what is up with that? What synops in their brain got wired wrong?

    I’ll leave you with this fellow Survivors, concentrate on how your narc has hurt you. Write it down. Keep it close by. The most painfull times for me are when I think about the great times we had together. Which is the point. These people only are nice to you when things are going great and they are getting everything they want. We are usefull to them, therefore they don’t hurt us. I mean why would you smash a perfectly good toaster when its still working? But what if it stops working. Well, they just throw it away and get a new one. Same with us. If you are making good money then you are useful, if you suffer a loss of income then you are not. Its just that simple. If you provide them with what they want, you are usefull, like a working toaster. If you do not provide them with what they want you are not useful, like a damaged toaster.

    And one other very very important thing. Pray for Jesus to take this pain away from you. Tell him you can not carry it. Tell him it is too much to bear. Ask him to carry this pain for you and he will. He promised he would. And I can testify to the fact that he has and is carrying my burden for me. I pray that he unknitt my soul from the woman I loved, and he is doing that. The process is not complete but it is a work in progress. Jesus has my back and he has yours to, because he told us he did. I can’t save the woman I love because she does not want to be saved, she wants to play. All I can say is you go play wife, I will take care of the valuables, my daughter.

    • Cecilia K

      Fellow Survivor, your situation is heartbreaking. A year later, I hope you have experienced at least some healing, as well as your daughter.

      Your mention of the Fruits of the Spirit reminded me that in my first conversation with my ex-boyfriend, I talked about how some people I had worked with had claimed to be Christians, but I hadn’t really seen any fruit in them. Later, shortly after we started dating, he confessed to me that he had no idea what I was talking about when I said that. He didn’t know what Fruits of the Spirit were. Although I found that rather alarming, I didn’t say so; I didn’t want to seem critical. But inside, I was thinking that that seemed rather odd that someone who had been a Christian for as long as I thought he had been was ignorant of one of the most basic tenets of the Christian faith. He went on to express that he was afraid that maybe I didn’t see any fruit in him. That was early enough in the relationship, I think, to where I still thought him to be a kind, sweet, thoughtful man, so I probably reassured him that of course he showed fruit.

      Of course, later, I saw just how true of a warning light that ignorance was. He neither knew what fruits of the Spirit were, nor did he really exhibit them. And he also proved that he was pretty much completely ignorant of all Scripture. Red Flag for a “Christian”! When I would refer to well-known stories in the Bible (that even a lot of non-believers probably know), he would say he wasn’t familiar with them. I was very saddened by this fact. I so wanted to connect with him on a spiritual level, but how could I, when he didn’t even know Scripture?

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