It’s Narcissist Friday!
Imprecatory prayers. When you read them in the Psalms they seem almost shocking. After all, aren’t believers supposed to be nice? To call down judgment and punishment on those who cause our suffering just doesn’t seem consistent with “love your enemy,” does it? Christians should just “turn the other cheek” and suffer in silence, right?
Recently a commenter asked about imprecatory prayer (thanks Kathy!) and whether it is appropriate for those who suffer at the hands of someone who is cruel. I am going to say that it is.
Interestingly, “to imprecate” simply means to pray. It seems to have a particular sense of verbalization, to say out loud or to write the things we feel. So the prayer is purposeful, intentional, and not just a thought. It gathered a negative meaning along the way and is used today in the sense of “to curse,” or to call down punishment. When we pray about the pain we suffer, we may want the cause of that pain—even if it is a person close to us—to be broken so that he/she will stop.
Three thoughts come to my mind. First, in the midst of pain and suffering imprecatory prayer is normal. That is not a moral judgment. You just want the abuse to stop and it is normal to lash out against the one who hurts you. Just as it is normal to want to hit back or want justice, it is normal to take those feelings to God. In fact, those feelings should be taken to God. That’s what David did throughout the Psalms. God was the source of David’s hope, the One who helped in times of trouble. So taking those feelings to the Lord and letting Him work in your heart is the right thing to do. If your words come out stronger and with more venom than you would normally speak, God understands.
Second, look at the things Jesus said about the Pharisees and religious leaders of His day. He wasn’t particularly nice, was He? No, He spoke truth about them and their ideas. Many of us were taught that, if we can’t say something nice, we shouldn’t say anything. That is neither taught nor modeled in the Bible. We are to speak the truth with love. When Jesus spoke the truth about the Pharisees or Paul spoke the truth about the Judaizers, the words were not very nice. How do you nicely say that someone is lying or is being abusive? There may not be a nice way to speak up against the false teaching of a leader. But it is often very important that the truth be told—nice or not.
So to go to God in prayer and speak truthfully about the abuse and the abuser might seem like you are being judgmental or condemning. To ask God to stop the abuse might mean to ask Him to stop the abuser. It might take something serious to stop the abuser. That’s up to God.
I know that people get uncomfortable when they read things like David asking the Lord to “break the arm of the wicked and evil man,” in Psalm 10:15. But understand that David doesn’t really care whether God breaks the person’s arm. The point is that God would stop the power of the evil man from doing damage, that God would take away his strength. And when you pray that God would take away the strength of the abuser, be aware that God might break his arm. It’s up to God to choose the method.
Third, remember that under grace we know that even the discipline of the Lord is for the person’s good. Yes, we are to love our enemies. Sometimes that might mean that we ask God to break them so they will call out to Him and open their hearts to Him. I would not ask God to send anyone to hell, but I would ask Him to get their attention so that they can see what they are doing. I might have suggestions as to how God could do that, but I would always yield the methods to Him. I might even be motivated by my pain, but under the pain is always love for those He loves.
Brokenness is a painful process. Some people have to lose almost everything before they will see that the Lord is the One they need. Is it cruel for me to ask Him to break them, to destroy their power, or to humble them? Not if my hope is for their salvation or for the protection of their victims.
Vengeance does belong to the Lord—and He chooses to love. Anyone who comes to Him will find forgiveness and acceptance, even your abuser. In Christ, we understand and accept this. We even rejoice in it. But there is nothing wrong with praying for the abuse to stop, even if it hurts the abuser in the process.
One more thing. When you read something from the Beatitudes, like Matthew 5:44 (“love your enemies”), remember the context. Jesus is speaking to the Jews under the law. He is saying, “The will of God for you is this. To live perfectly in His will, you should be doing this.” But Jesus is fully aware of His purpose. He knows that we cannot live perfectly in the will of God. He knows we need a Savior. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus is calling the Jews away from the compromises of their lives and to Himself as their Savior. He is not leaving them with impossible commands. He’s telling them He understands.
God understands your feelings. He accepts your anger and frustration. When you cry out to Him in pain, He still hears you and loves you. If you say things that seem too strong, that accuse and condemn, you are not judged. You may have noticed that He doesn’t do the terrible things you might wish He would do. He will do what is right and in the right time.
Someday the abuser will stand before God and suffer the condemnation he has deserved and chosen . . . or he will stand forgiven in relationship with Jesus. Both justice and mercy are under grace. And you will be safe forever in the hands of the Lord who loves you.
Grace for my Heart 
Thank you! I am right here at this place. Reading “The Cry of the Soul” by Allender and Longman and reassured that my laments and prayers are part of relationship with Him. Wrestling with Him but also praying for justice. He knows, He sees, we aren’t alone. Thank you for affirming the heart cry of the abused.
This is beyond outstanding!! What a blessing that I read this at the right time. Thank you and GOD bless you for these powerful words!!
Nowhere in the Bible do I find the word “nice” – it is a societal term. When I pray, I let it all out and ask for His justice, mercy and peace.
I pray for justice, peace and grace to still recover from the years of abuse and ultimately betrayal, adultery and abandonment. I struggle terribly with wanting to know how and when God will take vengance but I know that the information is not for me to have. God is God and He knows best. Just still crying in my heart….been 3 years. Will this last forever?
Dave, do these NPD’s ever get justice? I mean, mine is making tons of money, engaged to his girlfriend who he has lived with for 2 years, I hear from the grapevine he says the last half of his life will be the best since the first half was so bad…(his abusive childhood and then apparently being married to me was so bad **eyeroll**). Is it possible he will just have thrown me in the trash and go on and be happy and prosperous until he dies? Will he never ever face what he did to me? Will he never be sorry? I am in angst about this. I really am. How do I see God’s viewpoint in this?
Recovering, please don’t forget that the “grapevine” is only passing only info that they have heard from your ex. Who says it’s true?
And what kind of “grapevine” would pass along this kind of info to you? Cut that grapevine down.
True
Thank You
Thank you, Dave, for this response to imprecatory prayer! It is the most compassionate and loving words I have ever read about the topic — many writers subtly blame the victim or put more burden on the victim for feeling victimized instead of being loving and kind and compassionate and turning the other cheek and forgiving upteen times and…….. ad nauseam.
This is kind and understanding. And very comprehensible.
And has given me much peace.
Thank you very, very much.
– kathy
My counselor of 3 1/2 years would tell us that nice stands for Neurotic Insecure Crazy and Emotional. Do you remember as a kid when you would start to tell the truth about someone (for all the wrong reasons…lol), your mom or your dad would warn you in that rather stern tone to “be nice”? They did that so you wouldn’t embarrass them. 😛
We have had “be nice” drilled into our heads from all angles because “being nice” saves face. It protects those other people from themselves, and protects us from feeling their wrath. It keeps up “appearances” for appearance’ sake while cushioning those around us from the bare naked truth of reality.
Love tells the truth for the sake of the one who is hearing it. It tells this truth firmly but gently, and in private, unless the offender decides to make an issue public. When we are insecure in our standing with other people, a little neurotic with what people think about us, walkling on eggshells of craziness and making decisions with our emotions, we end up being “nice”.
And do you know what I’ve discovered? Behind every narcissist, is a very nice enabler. Do you know why? Because they look for the nice people and target them for “the game” which they play. Why? Because people who are nice don’t like to rock the boat, and they tend to be a bit naive perhaps, or scared by their own feelings of inadequacy, and that is exactly the type of person an N needs in his or her life.
So don’t be nice. Instead love firmly, wisely and with great confidence in what you absolutely know to be true. But be careful. My Narc was a coward and is now afraid of me because he never knows when he might get an earful, and possibly an image-destroying public earful, of truth. But my dear friend’s Narc husband was not a coward. She got too close to the truth and let him know about it, and she ended up murdered in cold blood by him. If you sense danger, run first, then speak truth from a safe distance.
Really good post….really good Jennifer. How scary.
Jennifer, a very Good point. So horrified when I see truth used as a weapon against the honest….esp. when carried so far as in your friend’s abuse. 😦
I loved your councelor’s explanation of NICE !!!! When we are too nice or honest with the people who feel that way, they take leverage from it. We should never be ashamed of truth though, and be willing to be courageous despite the peer pressure. The problem comes when dealing with the unexpected psycho ….or even the “simpler” drama of the N. That calls for a lot of discretion and avoidance of any kind of confrontation; a kind of war plan.
It would be lovely to go back and be a little less nieve. However, I’m not sure but that eventually they would overreact the same way about something else no matter what we do. “War is **** ” and ANYthing is a tool to them. It’s so out of proportion, we can’t blame ourselves for being honest or brave!
You put the pull and tug of the balance well. We do not want to be devious like them ( which is sometimes unsafe too ) , but we must protect ourselves. The results are rarely what we plan – good or bad – and speaking for myself I always doubt my own confused judgement . But seeking God’s face on these things seems the very best way to know what He wants. And getting out of there, like you said! Thanks Jennifer!!!
“Nice” people unwittingly protect molesters,abusers and narcissists by their silence. After all be “nice’ no matter what the truth is-that’s what we’re (especially women)taught.You’re right ,exposing the truth to a narcissist should be done in a safe manner. I told my N he is abusive by phone,he said ” I don’t want to talk about it” I said “because it’s true” and hung up. NC 🙂 My girlfriend just saw him on a dating site using all the same lines (lies)he used on me, and saying he wanted an HONEST woman. LOL!!!!
Recovering, there is no amount of money that makes a narcissist happy. I was married to one who more than enough money, it doesn’t quiet their rage or satisfy their demands. They will abuse the nicest, smartest and best looking spouses. Move on and seek your own happiness and peace. In time you will either see the narcissist repeat the pattern or you will stop caring. In either of those cases, you win.
John thank you for those encouraging words. I really appreciate them. Nothing he ever achieved or got quieted the rage – true. I like how you put that. I am going to remember your words when I feel like there is no justice. 🙂
Good point John. I was doubting myself, wavering on my decision breakup because I was hurting and he seemed so unaffected. A close mutual male friend (who knows the truth)said: “He didn’t get the girl(me)and that’s all that really matters.” I’m relaxed(no more walking on eggshells) and happy enjoying MY life 🙂
“He didn’t get the girl(me)and that’s all that really matters.” Amen, sister…
Sadly the Narc seems to go on merrily with their lives, continuing to deceive the ‘nice’ people they have manipulated, who continue to enable them. They are too clever to ever ‘fall over’. Waiting for God’s righteousness and justice to prevail just never seems to happen. The Narc continues to win as our faith continues to be at risk. I have never ‘blamed’ God for the pain in my life but I find myself wondering why God doesn’t seem to be a ‘just God’ anymore. For the first time in my recovery I have started to doubt my faith. I have been a Christian all my life and a very committed one at that. The Bible tells us that God will look out for anyone who touches ‘his own’. My first husband (of 30 years), was an Anglican priest. He found comfort for his distress as a Chaplain in the arms of a parishioner. He married her after getting rid of me. Did the ‘Church’ get rid of him. No… He went on in ministry until he retired recently, with her by his side. Justice? No…. Redemption, forgiveness, restitution? 10 years later I married a man I thought would give me happiness. Little did I know he was a Sociopath/Psychopath or Narc. All of the above. He was violent, abusive in every way. Luckily I got out after 2 yrs and 10 mths. I was manipulated back twice. The last for couple counselling. I was glad I did as I learned his true colours. Because of my Apprehended Violence Order, his guns were removed. He ended up in court. The Defence lawyers did their job….. to get him off. The Prosecutor was going for up to 20 years Jail for his offences …. all gun related. They did a plea bargain for admitting guilt to 4 charges instead of 20. He had 20 people give good Character References (based on a document full of lies which he gave them, including me). I tried to have him breached on the AVO…. no evidence of malicious intent. I tried to get evidence of his lies re guns put to court….. refused admission. I tried to have him charged…. no evidence of bruises and ‘why didn’t you report it on the day?’ Because he plead guilty to the lesser of 4 charges, the prosecutor agreed. The Defence tried to get the situation thrown out of court with no felony against him. Fortunately this was refused. The offence was found proved and he now has a criminal record which was in the local paper. He was fined $200 and given a 2 year Good Behaviour bond. He got off very lightly for some very very serious charges in our country. None of his history of violence was ever admitted as evidence, none of his lies proven. The law works against the victim. It was a Pastor friend who bailed him out of Jail when he was arrested. He only had 1 night in Jail. He locked me out of the house and I had to take legal action to get my belongs back. He cheats everyone, is not qualified or licensed to do any of the work he does. He lies….. you name it. I found this website when a friend suggested I Google Narcissists in the Church…. it took me on a hunt for knowledge. He was violent to me, took me for thousands of dollars under the guise ‘what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine’. I learned about NO CONTACT and got safe. I did not know the truth until well into our marriage. He had little to offer. No money and in debt (which he has never paid). He had done it in two previous marriages….. almost identical behaviour. I have left two churches because of the first marriage break up and then the second. Churches seem to support the perpetrator and not the victim. Accountability seems to be non existent. As I wait for God to deal with these men….. nothing happens. They leave behind a trail of destruction with their families and partners. Victims leave the Church as they see these evil perpetrators get away with it. The Perps stay and we are forced to leave for our own safety and sanity. It doesn’t help to read that they will ‘get theirs in the end’ OR God gives them Grace to enable them to change….. ‘ while we continue to be ‘triggered’ and ‘hurt’ and spend the rest of our lives trying to convince ourselves that we have recovered. Its a long journey…. it is about 18 months since my divorce was final. Therefore over 3 years since I left. I moved away (after 27 years) and left some family behind, moved closer to others. While these men continue in their same behaviour with no consequences for what they did to me. They laugh at yet another divorce (3 for him) and lie about the cause. They continue attending the church that you had to leave and are given ‘Grace’ while we are pressured to leave. What brought this outburst on? I don’t know….. I seemed to be going so well….. enjoying my home, my life, my family….. then I realised. I’ve got no friends here (I left them behind), just one child and 2 grandchildren. I got a rotten head cold two weeks ago…. trying to look after myself as it went to my chest and my sinuses. Then the depression hit, the thoughts came back, the triggers happened. I am alone, I am still hurting, I am still suffering. I had long term counselling, you name it…. BANG…. it hits again. So now I am doubting…. doubting my faith…. doubting my God… for the first time in my life. And those PERPS….. they just keep on going. I have had “Words” spoken over me…. that were lies. “Prophetic words”. more lies. I wonder when this will happen “Let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness an everlasting stream” Amos 5:24 I wonder too if I will lose my salvation as my doubt increases. Such is the power of these evil perpetrators of Domestic Violence.
Annie, it’s okay your faith has been shaken. My faith has been shaken too – but if there is a God, He is big enough to handle that. Jesus BEGGED to have His own fate changed, but God the Father stood firm.
Yes, it absolutely does seem as if the Ns get away with things. I am so hesitant to share things because I’ve been stalked on the internet and the attacks have followed — but I will share some things with you here, in public.
My first marriage – I ran ahead and married an unbeliever. I found out he was alcoholic and had been diagnosed with “anti-social personality disorder.” I came from The Waltons — and had no idea what I was up against. I was held hostage and the church looked the other way. I finally left with a 1 1/2 year old little girl. And I went back to God and said “No matter what, I will serve you. I ran ahead of You, but I know that You will take me back starting right where I am.” There were court battles, etc., and lots of tears. But I decided NOT to look at how he seemed to skate through while I suffered with no child support, etc. I kept praying the Psalms “Make MY heart clean” and “Teach ME your ways.”
I had a hard time paying for childcare and food for my little girl, although family was very supportive. She’s now working on her master’s degree in a prestigious university.
And God brought into my life a wonderful Christian man — with an N family. Fortunately, they live far from me.. And I had another little girl, and he raised and adopted the first child. This second little girl is almost completed her schooling now. My wonderful husband passed away, leaving me with a 12 and 18-year old. And I continue to pray Create in ME a clean heart and teach ME your ways — and yes, I also complain about 2nd husband’s N family.
And it appears as though all the Ns I have known are doing just fine.
It APPEARS that way. But they are not.
Husband number 1 now has an adult daughter (my first child) who has refused to have a relationship with him. He has tried. Why? Because now he is totally alone. He wanted nothing to do with her earlier, but he’s alone and living in gov’t-funded housing. (and he has a master’s degree and had a lucrative career). He is totally abandoned by everyone.
Husband no. 2 — the only one from his family who was truly freed from his N parents and siblings. One sibling died of alcoholism. One is a recluse — in his 40s, works, comes home and plays video games. That’s his whole life. Another sibling is married, has a child — and never helped him achieve his goals. Claimed she had no money. Here I am, a widow with little money, and my daughter is in a prestigious school. Wasn’t easy.
Another one of his siblings is a perpetual child, although he’s in his 50s. Has no backbone whatsoever.
Scratch a bit deeper. You will see how very blessed you really are. YOUR eyes have been opened. Those around the N are blind.
I’ve been through one divorce and one spouse dying. The pain has been incredible. But teach ME your ways, Lord. Put MY eyes on you, not on THEM.
There was a time I didn’t know how I would feed my children — and I’ve just taken both of them on a trip to Europe.
Easier said than done, I am so well aware, but ask God to keep YOUR paths straight and not look at someone else’s path. Yes, pray about your pain too — but continue to serve God. Even if you don’t feel like it.
Job was very blessed after all his pain — but yet his friends still consoled him at the end of his troubles because the pain will last forever. But the blessings are just as real as the pain is.
I wish I could give you a real hug through this screen. (((hugs)))
Thank you Kathy for saying so much truth.
Annie, please Take Care. I believe health influences how we feel about things more than we realize. Recently I became aware of how intestinal permeability can cause a lower immune system and feelings of depression. It has Really helped me to temperarily avoid certain foods that cause this. I never thought I was sensative to them, but after several months off of them I tried them again and felt immediately Down. Yes, I’m feeling better now!
So, don’t feel you have to start blaming yourself or God, for what could be a physical matter! My sister constantly struggles with this and she is my greatest encouragement as she deals with this. You are in the hand of the Almightly, even if it doesn’t feel like it! You are stronger than you think!
Sending you Hugs and my prayers!
Thankyou Kathy. Encourangement from others helps. My Psychologist told me a couple of years ago to write down my blessings. When I read your post it reminded me….. I went back to that Journal and there was the list. I could certainly add more to that list today. I need to remember the blessings I have and not concentrate on what he has or has not…. I don’t really know much about him now as I have had no word from, or about him for well over a year. Except I know he still turns up at the Church every couple of months. So I don’t really know where his head is. I do know, though that two of his sons don’t ever want to have anything to do with him ever again. His daughter still does, but doesn’t realise ….. he gets all the family information from her. He is still in the same financial mess and still doing the same illegal work. As for me? Add to my previous list….. when I retired I had enough Super and money from my home to sell up and buy in on the coastal area of my state (East coast of Australia). I am now retired and totally debt free with some Aged Pension and some Superannuation. I have a friend who is an Assoc Prof at University and is encouraging me to study for my doctorate and joint write a paper and book following research on Trauma after abandonment…. which will cover Narcs. I heard again from her today….. hooking up a meeting for me with another Uni Prof. My daughter phoned yesterday to say they are coming up for the weekend. Today my other daughter (who lives locally) gave me a lovely Spa Voucher for a massage and facial thanking me for minding her 2 year old while she did 3 days casual work. God was on the look out for me. Today is the first day I actually felt ‘better’ with my virus. I need to remember that even though I sometimes think “it’s not fair”…… that I really do need to look at that list and say …. Thankyou God.
Psalm 73 points out what you are saying here … that the wicked seem to prosper, but that we would be wrong in thinking that or, especially, in teaching that to our children. Time, a whole lot of time generally, will reveal reality. And that is, the wicked do not prosper.
I really like the emphasis: “Teach ME your way” and don’t worry about the others!
Annie, I just want to send a warm hug and say I have had those same doubts and depression/etc. You are not alone.
Thankyou “Recovering”. It helps to know that it is ‘normal’ to get these doubts and feel some level of depression again. As awful as it is…. I always think that the Perp wins again …. if I let myself go down that path again. Sadly…. we are only human… our brains are active and ‘think’. Sometimes I wish I had a little switch and was able to turn it off for just a little while. At least I’m not having nightmares and intense dreams about him anymore. I can add that to my blessings.
Annie, you are in my prayers as well. I don’t think there is a single person who has suffered as greatly as you have that doesn’t feel anger and doubt
at God. Righteousness and justice flowed down like mighty waters on the cross when Christ’s blood was shed. His blood, split out, to bring justice for our sins and pay the price for our righteousness. Even with your anger, doubts and teetering on the brink of walking away from your faith, you stand before God as His just, righteous and perfect daughter. The God of the Universe finds favor and delight in you! Look at Him, fix your eyes upon who He is and who is says you are and all that you have in Him. Instead of focusing on the N’s around you and their seeming successes and ease of life, look to Him
I know it isn’t easy! I am so glad that you found this site! I am so glad that you were able to share your heart and know it is safe here! I know, from experience, the people here will pray for you and that there prayers make a difference!
Thankyou gracemomentumg….. It has been a great comfort to me to see all these responses to my hurt and pain popping up in my emails…. I haven’t been well so haven’t been in here to answer…. except today. Thankyou of the picture (I am a visual person) of Jesus on the cross with the waters and the blood spilling out as the righteousness and justice. I know He loves me… Jesus has danced with me as a little girl in my mind, loving me and protecting me. I need to get back to that place and focus on His love, his hugs, his protection and not focus on the Perp. I have handed Him over to God….. actually both of my Exes. I guess the triggers cause us to take them back in a way. I am reminded to hand him over to God again. I do feel safe on this website. I am at the stage that I don’t worry about my safety. My new home is the most precious safe cacoon I could hope for. Truly a gift from Him. Thankyou again.
Annie, set your feet solidly in the knowledge and Grace of God. By that I mean, no matter what we feel, no matter what pain, no matter what trial, remember you are God’s sweet child. Hold that deep in your heart, because no matter what is done to us here on earth, no matter what we feel, no matter how we doubt… that will NEVER change God’s love for you! God loves honesty, even when we feel somehow He has let us down. We must tell Him how we feel, trust Him, He can take it. Think of a loving parent dealing with a wounded child crying in pain, they lash out at their parent crying and screaming, maybe even hitting that parent with their fists because they hurt so bad. And that parent wraps their loving arms around that child gently calming them, consoling them and eventually settling them. That is what I picture when I ask why, when I say this is unfair and how could you let this happen. We are not the first ones to go through these things and we won’t be the last. But we can learn from our experiences and we can share what we have learned, and maybe, just maybe, we will be able to help lessen the pain for others. May you find comfort in knowing that there are others who have walked where you are, many of whom have shared their stories here. Draw strength from that, it is a powerful thing. Keep your head up, as hard as it may be sometimes, and remember who you are, you are a child of the living and loving God. The Creator of all things and He will create in you a new creation, stronger, wiser, and more compassionate than ever before. What other people say and do will not last, it is hard to see that when you are in the midst of a storm, but God is faithful. May He be with you dear one. Cast all your care on Him, for He cares for you.
Thankyou Kit Kat. I will hold on to the thought that HE IS MY FATHER and loves me….. no matter what I think or feel. My fears were that He would reject me because of my thoughts and feelings which are not so good. You are right though…. He knows exactly how and why I feel why I do. I am encouraged by the true Survivors who have had courage to get free and continue in their faith…. no matter what as hard as it is. I like the comment “what other people say and do will not last”. It certainly is hard to see that. It was good for me to leave the city I was in (I’m over 600 km away) as the friends of the Perp don’t know anything about me now, except what they have to get from gossip. They will all have moved on to someone else to talk about now… and so it goes on. I have had much encouragement from my daughters this week and have been looking at the blessings that I do have….. and they are many….. Thankyou for your care and prayer.
Amen! And I truly recommend the book His Princess Bride: Love Letters from Your Prince, by Sheri Rose Shepherd. It’s a small devotional, and it’s wonderful.
Somewhere on this page you can subscribe to a free daily message from Sheri Rose Shepherd, and it will be a love letter from Your Prince to His Bride. I get it every day, and I’m very much comforted.
http://hisprincess.com/
My Goodness Kathy. What a blessing your little post is. I knew that I was His Princess and I thought….. “I think I’ve seen that Devotional somewhere”. Being his Princess was something that took me a long time to come to terms with…. “Hey, if He is MY King and I am HIS daughter, then I must be his Princess…. I just MUST BE”. I had forgotten that in my sadness. I just this minute went into my bedroom and went through the stack of books on my bedside table….. there they were. “HIS PRINCESS, Love Letters From Your King” and then I also found “Freedom for His Princess 30 Days to Refresh Your Soul”. Both by Sheri Rose Shepherd. There is a sticker inside …. the first one was a gift at a Women’s Conference I went to back in the old town…. in 2012…. so it was when I was in the beginning of the NO CONTACT phase and just before I walked out of my workplace. I had forgotten about them in the moving…. even though they were with my bedside books….. underneath shelf though. Guess what I will be reading now? Thankyou so much.
🙂
Annie, as you have discovered, here on this board you are not alone. We all care about you and have compassion and understanding for what you are going through. Jesus knows and understands what is in our heart for he even cried out ” My God, why have You forsaken Me”
So when we cry out ” My God, why have You forsaken me” He actually knows exactly what that feels like because He lived it, He felt it, and He did not like it any more than we do.
Jesus told us in advance that these things were going to happen to us so we should not be surprised. I don’t like it and wish it never happened but he did say if you follow Me its not going to be fun all the time.
Thankyou ‘Fellow Survivor”. Thankyou for reminding me that even Jesus cried out with that question and that is OK. Thankyou for your compassion. I know life isn’t going to be easy…. but I just don’t expect the perpetrators to get away with what they do. That won’t change as we see in court how these perps lie and cheat there way through, even the legal system. We have a Spouse murder case in court in Australia right now….. the perp is taking the stand at the moment …..the things that comes out of the mouths of these men is astonishing. The subtle manipulative ways they try to blame the victim. Sadly the Jurors don’t know how these Perps work. We can only pray that justice will be done. As more and more is spoken out in the media in Australia…. through White Ribbon and other situations, the Public are learning more and more. I don’t want to heal in a secular way…. I want to heal with HIM….. that’s why it is so scary when those doubts creep in. They go right to the centre of our very being…. our very existence. Without my faith I have nothing….. so to lose that would be to lose everything.
Thank you so much for that! I was just feeling guilty over doing this very thing – my abuser brought me to the point I felt my prayers were bordering witchcraft and I could not stop myself, I even asked God to forgive me for asking Him to bring such a powerful judgment/punishment on this man and his psychotic family. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE< so many people (not just me) have been hurt by this man and his family, and they will hurt more people in the future if something is not done. But I felt it almost futile since we pray for peace in countries at war and they still war and we pray for the end to starvation in countries of no food and they still starve. EVIL IS EVIL. One day they will be judged. But until then we have to protect our self the best we can! But I want you to know that your post gave me what I needed to forgive myself for the prayer of vengeance. ❤
Frances, I so identify with what you are saying. The worst emotion I felt by far was HATE. I was shocked and devastated that I could feel that emotion. It is the most terrible feeling. I actually had 10 different men (who had no connection to each other) over a 3 year period, who offered to do something to my ex….. bash him or get him bashed to teach him a lesson…. 2 of those offered to make it permanent “just say the word”. Thank God I kept getting these words in my head “Vengeance is Mine, says the Lord”. No I don’t mix with ‘bad’ people. They were just normal hard working honest men in the community who absolutely HATE that men treat women like this. They wouldn’t necessarily personally do it …. but knew how to connect with someone who would. I wasn’t tempted ….. but the thought crossed my mind as to how easy it would be. God certainly protected me (and them). One Christian male friend said that it took every ounce of his strength and God’s immense Grace to stop him from coming to town and dealing with it. He is a father of 3 young boys. He said….. the ex would have been dead and he would have been in Jail…. he wasn’t going to kill him but knew that could be an outcome. He was at our wedding and was devastated when he found the truth. Those 10 men reminded me that ‘not all men are awful men’. Sadly some Christians don’t see these Perps as being Evil….. they are. I guess when we no longer can pray for them or we see our prayers as futile….. that is when we have to completely hand them to God. The Bible does say there will always be wars and rumours of wars and even Jesus said that the poor will always be with us. Same as Jesus didn’t heal everyone…. but I do so hope that Justice will come to these serial perpetrators of domestic violence and that their cycle of abuse WILL BE STOPPED. Bless you.
Oh Annie, I’m truly sorry for your pain. Since we are made in the image of our Father we are wired to desire justice. It may look like the narcs have won, but think about it,any so called “success” they enjoy…that’s it for them. They will never know (short of true conversion)the great hope that sustains us,and is in store for us. And when we reflect on our days with the narcs did anything ever really make them happy?!
I think Pastor Dave, and this community is evidence that God is still watching over us, and has great compassion for us. Storming the gates of heaven for you Annie. Don’t give up!
Thankyou TL….. that certainly helps…..this blog, Pastor Dave, and all the members…. yes… certainly is evidence that God is watching over us and has great compassion for us. Thankyou for Storming the Gates of Heaven for me. I also liked what you said about being made in the image of our Father and so we are wired for Justice….. very special words. No wonder I feel so passionate about Justice. It was a “good day” when I found this Blog. Hmmmmm I really like that … WIRED FOR JUSTICE. I guess that’s why we hurt so much ….. when we are wired for justice and it just doesn’t seem to be happening….. our heart and our very being are crying out to God for that Justice. The compassion I am feeling in these responses has been amazing.
Sometimes it’s really hard to pray for your enemies. But if prayer is a conversation with God, we are simply bringing how we feel about what was done to us into the healing presence of the Holy Spirit. That’s a good thing. Staying in dialogue with God through the tough emotions is the best way I know to gain insight and gain relief from deep pain.
Betrayals that remain unresolved (by that I mean there is not a relationship that has been restored through repentance and forgiveness both given and received) are like a piece of sand in an oyster. Injustice causes us to doubt that God is in control and/or that He cares. The only way I feel at rest when I think of unresolved betrayals is in the understanding that we are all living in the middle of a story. We don’t understand the reasons why suffering continues. All we know is that we must keep turning our faces towards Christ.
It’s hard to know how to pray for an enemy without calling down hellfire. Yet we are asked to do so. Perhaps it’s because God wants us to experience all of these emotions in His presence.
It’s hard to allow our feelings of rage over what happened, envy over the fact the N seemed to “get off” much lighter than victims and despair that manifesting the fruits of the spirit can make you more (not less) vulnerable to exploitation. But those emotions need to be brought to the cross so that they may be transformed.
Transformation is a long slow process, but lately I have found a way to pray for someone who caused my child great pain. I pray that God will strengthen their spirit so that they will not need to hide behind a narcissistic false self anymore and so that they can be reconciled to God. Only a right relationship with God can change an N’s heart. They can’t be convicted and feel godly sorrow until that relationship is established. The path to justice is not through punishment, but through the N’s ability to enter into the healing presence of God. Only in that place of mercy can transformation occur. Yet the N’s subconscious understanding of their sin keeps them separated from God.
Praying strength, courage, and peace for the Narcissist in no way excuses their sins. Rather, you are simply praying for a heart that is terrified of God’s presence and is running. That heart needs to stop running before it can open and only God understands what that will take. So lately praying for the N’s heart to be strengthened feels like a reasonable thing.
Prodigal Katherine. You are right of course. Pray the good prayers…. not the vengeance. However…I have NEVER prayed for vengeance. I have only felt very sad, very angry and yes felt hate… that these Perps seem to get away with it…. with friends, the church, the Police and in court. How many years do we continue in prayer for them? I believe the prayers are said and then you eventually have to lay it at the cross and let it go…. Otherwise the constancy of the same prayer wears you down and re-triggers. YES I have prayed those healing and restitution prayers for both my first husband who cheated on me….. I prayed and waited 10 years, trusting he would return. I handed him over to the Lord when I found he had married the woman. For the Narc (short term 2nd marriage)…. YES I prayed these prayers…. I even went to marriage counselling with him. (I had enough sense not to move back into his house though, even though he tried hard to get me to sleep over). He manipulated the whole counselling situation, the enablers, the church, me and eventually was abusive all over again, trying to get me to NOT be a witness in his court case, to say nothing, to drop the AVO so it looked better for him in court. Then when he did the plea bargain, he verbally blew up violently on the way to counselling and in counselling…. why? Because he thought he could frighten or manipulate me into divulging who ‘dobbed him in to the Police”. Was I praying positive prayers for him that year…. I certainly was. I also had many others praying for him. He then even abused my 6 year old grandson (again). That was it… I stopped counselling and went NO CONTACT. Sadly everything I have read…. Christian and Secular has pointed to the fact that these men are indeed LOST. Recidivism in these men is usually 100%. Just as it is with Paedophiles. Programmes don’t work…. (without God they haven’t got a chance anyway). Healing is usually non existent. I am not talking about a Narc with a few traits… I am talking about the Narc who is a Psychopath or Sociopath, those who recycle the abuse again and again, victim after victim. Even Dave posted a Blog about this… that sadly we don’t see these men turning their lives around. Even though there is much prayer about them to turn to Christ. Many of the church people in the Grace church I used to attend believed my ex was a Christian, a Pastors wife (his friend and enabler), even told me that “there are many different sorts of Christians” when I told her that I doubted he was a Christian at all. She didn’t live with him…. really didn’t have a clue. I have hope that these men will turn to Christ, repent and be restored as you describe. I know they are hurting, I know they are damaged. We are hurting too…. but don’t go round deliberately hurting and harming people because of our hurt. I know many people who were hurt as children. I was a sexual assault counsellor for years…. I never once saw one of the victims turn to Narcissistic cyclic abuse of the opposite sex. Why does it happen to some men who have had damaged childhoods and not others? Yes “Vengeance is mine says the Lord”. He also said that ‘Many will call me Lord Lord…. but I will say, turn from me for I do not know you”. Sadly many of those He denies will be these Perpetrators of abuse to children (the Paedophiles) and the Perpetrators of Domestic Violence. I wish it were not so. If all of the prayers of all of the victims of DV were answered….. there would be no further abuse. I no longer pray for my exes. I have handed them over to God. Having said that…… hmmmmm occasionally I am prompted and do. Sadly at the moment….. I find it hard to pray at all. I am appreciating these Blogs….. I know that many are praying for me to get through yet another big Desert in my life. I trust I will again come out the other side to the greener pasture and again “Dance with Jesus on the grass as a little child”.
Annie, you must have wonderful daughters. What an amazing gift! I’m glad you’re feeling better and getting the extra “umph” you need.
Your quote here is great about dancing with Jesus in the grass. I recently saw Disney’s “Tangled” again and was reminded of how it shocked me into seeing the similarities. When she reached down to touch the grass with her toes the first time in her life, I saw me. My N forbad walking in the grass or in the house without shoes, so it was one of the things I Needed do as I started to open my eyes. I’ll never forget the feeling of grass for the first time!
PK, yours are blessed words. A forgiving prayer my be more the tone/heart than the words themselves, and both Annie’s and your replies have rooted that out. God wants us to face and put into words what He already knows is in us.
I find comfort reading Ps 36 It acknowledges presence of wicked people and asking God for protection against such people
The hard part of having to leave your home church of 21 years is the emptiness and no support system and the N remains. Even after the lies are uncovered, he remains and we had to leave. It hurts. God reminded me that He will never forsake me even when all others have, save my husband. Right now I just feel empty and directionless. I wonder what God would have me do. And the triggers come and tears come. Someone said abuse kills. It is a living death. I pray for healing. I am thankful for moments of joy. I am thankful for the reminders to stay focused on Him. I guess it is a wound that we live with forever. May God give us the strength to live with the disablement.
anonymous. One of the comments about grief a Dr friend once told me… I asked her “How do you ever get over this”. My husband of 30 years had left and I later found he had had an affair and chose not to return. Her and her husband were Doctors and her husband had gone off with a Nurse whom he later married as well. Her reply to me was very profound. She said. “Anne, I don’t think you ever get over it. You just learn to live with it.” That comment gave me permission for every grief I have experienced, to grieve as long as I need and in the ways I need to grieve. Losing the Church which has been the support system for years and years is Spiritual Abuse and not talked about by many, particularly in the Church. While the perpetrator, whether it is of DV or Adultery, remains and is not asked to leave. That is more and more abuse added to the hurt. I think some churches use it as an excuse to not deal with it …. it is the same as sexual abuse was shoved under the carpet in churches for years. My first husband was a Minister of religion and that just made it worse to be rejected. I think it is a wound we live with forever. I try to visualise physical damage and scars. People can see the scars and understand the trauma. Our scars are not visible so people minimise the harm. This Blog has given me encouragement…. that it is OK to feel the feelings we feel, including hate. My sadness was that the new Church I found repeated the behaviour when I had the DV. He is still accepted. I am long gone. It is very very hard to establish yourself in a new Church in the same or new town. I am doing it again as I have moved 600km away. I don’t feel I belong where people have been there for years. They are very welcoming and kind. I am suspicious and wary. But I will go back (3 times so far) and continue to test the waters. I won’t get involved with men again. I am 65 but will never risk this level of trauma and pain again. I hope you are getting some counselling and support. Eventually you may find a Church that suits you. I pray that you will. Surround yourself with good women in your life. I had female friends who would just turn up and say “we are going to the movies’. While I thought they were bossy…. I was glad they did. Otherwise I would have stayed at home in my Caccoon. It is so hard even to have a meal ‘out’ by yourself. I found if I had a book or a Magazine, i could have a meal out (starting with day time coffee, day time lunch, building up to dinner) and distract myself from being alone by reading. I also did Outreach in my work and stayed in Motels at night. I would force myself to have dinner in the Motel Dining room….. I discovered to my joy that MANY MANY men AND women were sitting alone having dinner… they were on business… as I was…. but no-body knew whether they were single, divorced, separated or just alone on business. It is so normal… we feel we are being ‘noticed alone’ but we are not. Take advantage of it… go to the Museum, Library, walking in the park…. anywhere you are safe but can be ‘with people’ without being a part of their group. Join a group learning a craft or activity or volunteer…. we don’t have to tell our story at these places but it is good to do so as not to be alone.
Do some of the things people have suggested. Note them in a little notebook or an A4 book (I use one as a Journal sometimes). Last night I read Psalm 36 as advised above in a Post. I have also found the two little books suggested above and will be reading them regularly. My family are coming this weekend. Things happen and make us feel a little better. Just know that we are all here and care for each other. Bless you.
Thankyou Marie….. Just read Psalm 36. Very powerful. vs 12 “See how the evildoers lie fallen – thrown down not able to rise”. I especially like “in your light we see light”. I will read this again and again. I had forgotten how comforting the Psalms were when my first husband left. There was a stage where that was all I could do….. read the Psalms. Bless you.
Good post and lots of good comments. Needed it because I am really feeling bad – really blew it last night. I’ve been married to my N for 12 years- this blog has really helped me manage him and care for myself. I was doing pretty good but last night he said something crummy (he says a lot of crummy things but I am good at not letting it get to me because I know the what he is and I know the Truth) and I really lost it. Now I have some apologies to make for my outburst but it doesn’t feel fair that he “gets away with” his manipulations, meanness, lies and laziness.
That is WHAT SUCKS so bad about being in a relationship with a narc. WE ALWAYS HAVE TO APOLOGIZE – but they NEVER will take responsibility for their own behavior,. Even if they drive us to misbehaving they will not see that they themselves caused it to begin with.
It is entirely maddening.
Just keep telling yourself :”HE IS A ROBOT, HE IS A MACHINE, HE KNOWS NO DIFFERENT” And declare Psalms 35 and 36 over him and walk away! Good luck and God Bless!
Good reply Frances M.B. The Narc is very good at goading us and goading us and goading us….. they want a response. The first time I slapped my husbands face and he hit me with incredible force over my head….. he said that I had caused it. He completely left out the bit where he had just barred my way with full force of his body while I was naked, goading me all the time. Also left out where he had just assaulted me and verbally abused me AND GOADED me in the shower. It took counselling a couple of years later for me to see clearly how this panned out. However, around that time, I realised that he was goading me to be physically violent…. “go on hit me, you’re no better than me”. When he said that, I was stopped in my tracks. After that I always stepped back, toned down my voice and put my hands to my sides or behind me and tried so very hard to stay calm. That way I never ever again lashed out physically AT HIM. I did verbally stick up for myself…. that still backfired as he would blame me. At least I won in him not being able to goad ME to be physical. Didn’t stop him, but he couldn’t say I had hit him first. Thank God ….. I didn’t know at that time that the Law of Provocation in my State would have seen me in the wrong and Provoking him to violence. Sad but true. I find it sad that people are still remaining in these relationships, but know personally how hard it is to get free. Bless you all. Stay safe. Get safe if you can.
Brooke Tanner, I’m praying for you. I’ve been cornered many times and felt just as you do. Such guilt, and then I look back. It was any shouting or anger I regretted, not the truth spoken. The only time I ever raised my voice with my N in anger ( he needs it for hearing most of the time anyway ) I said the same thing several times over, and it was : “Why are you so unjust?” Yeah, really bad idea, and bad timing, and bad temper … I deeply apologized for losing it. But I’m not ashamed of the truth. I was feeling So stupid and yes, crummy, but that is what got me to thinking about his overreaction, searching, and finding this wonderful site!
I think all of us have blown it one time or another and question why it has to go on, but remember this is part of God reaching down to us and speaking. No, not to guilt us! He has forgiven us and as we live in His grace we need to grow in it. I kind of wonder what other trial I would like instead( HA HA !) and begin to thank Him for it, because there are so many terrible things that happen to people in normal life and He chose to let me learn this one this way. Trials like this are drawing me so much closer to the truth and to Him.
Keep on not letting it get to you ! You are in resistance training and are becoming resilient. Persist in well doing! 🙂
O.K. I need to clarify myself……I was Not speaking of your husband’s cruel words as a small trial! I was trying to talk about the actual losing of our tempers as the trial. It is impossible to scale what is a big or small trial against anyone elses experiences – only our own – because we are all so individual. ( What I prefer is a trial within myself I Know about and can surrender. Simpler to me, but not perhaps for someone else!) Do you know what I mean?
I’m so sorry I didn’t make that clear. And I am praying for your ( big or small , just as important either way ) trial , that it will also draw you nearer our Lord! 🙂
I just wanted to throw this out because I’ve wondered the same things. Why, if I’ve prayed so much, are the wounds still there? Why does it still hurt? Does God hear me? What am I doing wrong?
So I’ve been talking to God about that one because I’ve seen the same questions here — and this is what I think God has shown me.
So Jesus — He goes up on the cross. There are nails in His wrists and feet. The blood flow is difficult, and eventually His physical heart, a pumping organ, bursts. Hence, the water from His side.
He is dead. Truly, truly dead. There are no degrees in dead.
And then He’s wrapped tightly in cloth with pounds of spices, no treatment for His wounds, and put into a cave.
And three days later He is alive. Fully alive. Eating fish and heart-pumping alive.
Is He healed?
A week later Thomas puts his finger into Jesus’ hand and puts his own hand into the side of Jesus.
Yes, He is healed. But there are wounds.
But the healing is total. He is totally alive after being totally dead.
What did He do wrong? That’s a non-question! He did NOTHING wrong EVER.
And yet the wounds are there, after total healing.
Just some thoughts.
Kathy, I love this, brilliant!
Exactly! Thank him for every scar we have because they are testimony to what He has brought us through!
Kathy. That is the most beautiful thing I have read about the wounds. I tried to express that above about the physical scars on people being seen, but for us the emotional scars are not seen. To take your story further…..Jesus suffered much emotional abuse too….. over his 3 years…. he suffered spiritual abuse too. Those scars weren’t visible but they would have been on the cross with the other ‘physical’ wounds. So there are wounds spiritual, emotional and physical…. totally DEAD then totally ALIVE. Wounds still visible but healed. I guess it takes longer than 3 days for us to feel fully alive and to feel we are healed. Your blog reminds me that….. I WILL FEEL FULLY ALIVE AND FULLY HEALED….. even while I wear the scars. Bless you.
Dear All Walking Wounded, I found this poem many years ago after my divorce and I realized that I needed to love me first. Have respect for myself first and take care of myself first. Not selfishly but more for self preservation. I then found the more I learned and still learn to love me the better I am able to love others genuinely, because I know what it is to hurt, cry for help and also to heal. We have been sold such a bill of goods through the media as to what a proper wife, home, husband, children etc. are supposed to be, when God’s way to love is very simple. “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, who’s mind is stayed on Thee.” Bless you All!
“After A While”
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t always promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn
with every good-bye you learn.
Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall
Kitkat, I love it when we share quotes. Thanks for the shot in the arm!
Annie , you have given such extensive and helpful relpies here! I can’t keep up with everyones kindnesses, but wanted to share that your noting those ten men offering to stick up for you Made My DAY! And my sisters. No I don’t have a blood thirsty streak – I just don’t know anyone who would even Offer if needed. Maybe it’s cultural? ( Need to catch the soonest plain to Australia ! 🙂 ) It was a reassurance to know there are still men out there who are proactive and caring. Thanks!
Thankyou Unforsaken. The men were mainly because of my workplace. I worked in Health. Staff of all types of jobs came into my work arena….from the trolley pusher to the professional. Now that I have moved away and haven’t got the support network (except family), it would be a different story. God knew where I was and what I needed. I chuckle about it now. I wonder what he, the Psychopath, would have thought if over a period of months he was attacked by males. I think he would have been the one in the caccoon, too terrified to surface. On second thoughts…… these men run to the Police for protection with their lies. Anyway, I still have a little chuckle about it and I smile, knowing that there are genuine guys out there who definately loathe men treating women so badly.
Yes!! Hoping you are feeling much better and sending ((HUGS)) your way!
A weird and minor comment amidst serious discussion, but somebody up there mentioned that their ex forbade them to walk barefoot outside or in the house. That is so strange, because my ex had the exact same rule about bare feet. O.o How very, very odd.
Anyway…back to your regularly scheduled discussions…..
Jennifer, I was a child and my N is a relation but what Ns say still are strange….and changable. In my case it wasn’t just control, but a personal sensativity of his. Much later we walked on sand barefoot, as did he, but he thought that was weird. I can now wear flip flops in the house with only minor, infrequent complaints from him. I would still never try the grass in front of him. Chuckle…..My “dirty” little secret!
Yes, on to praying on our knees! 🙂
This is the first time I have had the nerve to leave a message here, but I have been reading Dave’s wonderful blogs and all of your thoughtful replies and they have given me the courage to post this…
Because of the collapse of the economy, I have spent the past four years living off of part-time, temporary jobs. At any one time, I may have anywhere from one to five jobs. Yet, I am barely surviving.
Recently, my parents passed away, and they left my older sister in charge of the will because she lived near them. My sister is a narcissist, not a believer, and has hated me all of my life, most recently physically attacking me at my mother’s 70th birthday party. She has repeatedly told me that I “shouldn’t exist” because “no family needs more than one daughter. You are the extra. And if I wasn’t afraid God would zap me for it, I would wish you dead. So I just wish you had never been born.”
She knows I am a believer, and hates me for it. She also knows my circumstances; she knows things got so bad for me that I had to live in my car for a couple of months and that I am still struggling badly. Yet, while mom was dying – literally, the day before mom died – she secretly transferred money to her joint checking account so that she would have it all. When the man who reviewed the will realized she did this, he told her that she should be sharing it with me. She responded, “Do I have to legally?” He answered, “Well, no, not legally. But morally, yes.” She responded, “If not legally, then I don’t care.” I begged for $5000, (she was carrying even more than that in her wallet), but she refused. Since then, she has found myriad ways to legally arrange to keep almost everything.
This weekend, I was desperate because I can’t pay all my bills this month, so I begged her for some money. I told her that I was working three jobs and was exhausted. She said no, and then sent me a link for a job, telling me that I should get another job.
Last night, she posted on Facebook that she wished she could help “a certain someone” but “just couldn’t.” Her friends commented that that “someone” (me) didn’t deserve any help because I have not helped her settle the estate. Clearly, she has been ruining my reputation, and has mentioned to no one that 1) I have three jobs and can’t get away; 2) the jobs pay poorly, so I can’t take time off to travel up North, nor do I even have the gasoline money to do so, 3) she has repeatedly physically attacked me to the point that I am afraid to be alone with her.
Even my dad, on his deathbed, told me that he had been protecting me from her for years, but wouldn’t be able to much longer. (My mother was the head narcissist and my sister is her “golden child.”) He told me “Your sister is not for you” and warned me that she wanted to “destroy” me. Yet now, she has set herself up as the “martyr” and me as the selfish, greedy person, and she is so slick that most people believe her. But that is her usual pattern – she presents herself one way to outsiders and entirely differently when it is just her and me.
I am exhausted, grieving, torn up inside, humiliated, and devastated … but I am still praying for her salvation. But I need help – please pray for God to give me the help and the strength I need to keep going, keep trusting Him, and keep praying for her – no matter what she does to me or to my reputation. Please don’t send advice about getting a lawyer, etc., because she is very clever and always finds ways to make sure whatever she does is technically legal.
I just need the emotional and spiritual support of my brothers and sisters in Christ, who understand the nightmare that it is to have narcissists in the family, to walk with me through this painful time and come out the other side victoriously, by the grace of God. On the other side of this, I need to know that in His strength, I never stooped to her level and never stopped trusting God or praying for her. I have no desire for her to go to hell, but I admit I long for God to stand up and stop her.
But I am so exhausted that I can’t keep going through this alone anymore.
Thank you for reading this long (too long?) note, and for your prayers and support. They would mean more to me than I could possibly tell you. Before I found this blog, I felt so alone.
You’ve come to the right place for fellowshipping with those who “understand the nightmare”, sweetheart. We’ve all been there in various ways and some of us are still living it out. ((((hugs)))
First of all, you said “I am exhausted, grieving, torn up inside, humiliated, and devastated … but I am still praying for her salvation.”
I find emotional exhaustion worse than physical, because you just can’t sleep it off. I imagine it comes from worry, and it is easy to say “do not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow has enough worries of its own”, but it is much harder to live that. It is IMPERATIVE that you learn to live that verse. I went through 5 years of battling my N-husband over the separation agreement, and I had to do what I could do that day, and then walk away. I literally had to learn to live one day, or even one hour at a time. I was also doing the part-time, no money, kids in tow lifestyle with no savings at all and wondering how much my next paycheque would be. I had no family to help because an N-mother literally wrote me out of the will in front of my face when I was 16 and gave it all to my brother (golden child). My father had died, like yours, and was no longer there to protect me. I had enough on my plate from day to day without worrying about what my nutty-narc-husband was getting up to or saying about me (and he was getting up to and saying plenty), or what was going to become of me in years to come (I have come back swinging with God’s help and providence and am now totally self-sufficient).
Grieving is symptomatic of loss and you sound as if you are grieving much. The loss of a father who understood and protected you; the loss of what SHOULD have been a good relationship with your mom and sister.
the loss of inheritance; the loss of credibility and reputation at the hands of your sister (I’m crazy and have lost my mind apparently, how about you? 😛 ); the loss of security. You have lost much and must give yourself time to grieve much. I have found it very helpful to post publicly on Facebook what I am thankful for that day every evening before I sign off. Thanksgiving is the antidote for all the world throws at us, as it takes us to the very presence of God and reminds us of each blessing he gives us. It gives us courage because it allows us to focus on his providence. Those thanksgivings can be as simple as the rain starting after you got on the bus or as wonderful as the solution to all your problems. Either way, you acknowledge the Giver of all things and draw close to Him which will give you courage and security.
As for feeling humiliated, dear heart, YOU are not the one who should be feeling shame in this situation! You are a survivor, a believer, a truth-teller, your father’s child!! It is your sister who ought to be utterly ashamed of herself, but we who have lived with N’s for too long tend to take upon ourselves the shame that should be theirs. I think this is an instinct in us. We KNOW that shame should be present because that is what justice demands, but when it doesn’t land where it ought to, (in the hearts of those whom justice is seeking), we snatch it and burden ourselves with it, in an effort to give it a place to rest. THIS IS NOT YOUR BURDEN TO BEAR and so it becomes heavy and destructive very quickly in your life.
Hold your head up if you have done nothing morally or legally wrong. Her opinion of you, and the tales she tells about you are none of your business. This destruction of my character has happened twice to me now through my mother/brother (apparently I was a cult member according to them) and lately through my husband (I’m full on crazy and turning my children against their perfectly innocent father). If people choose to believe those things about me, well they never knew me that well in the first place. Years later, after contacting people again I found out that many of them thought those first tales were rather suspicious. We now have at least a nodding acquaintance again and peace between ourselves. It is enough. As for the latest round, as the old saying goes, eventually the truth will win out, so I have no fears of my reputation.
Day to day with thanksgiving; don’t concern yourself with what your sister is saying because if you find yourself reacting to all this then it is she who is still in control of your emotions. Do what is right and good, and let God take care of the rest. Good council is essential as to the will, and I pray that you find some. Is there a church member you know who is a lawyer or a society of Christian lawyers who could recommend a pro bono for you, just so you know what your options are? Are you prepared to give thanks no matter what happens in all this legal mess? That is probably the most important question and answer of all.
Sue (hugs)) this is a horror story. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Please take some steps for your own emotional health — stop reading her FB page. Block it. People who have gone No Contact have done so for their own sanity. You don’t to need to torture yourself with that nonsense.
I’m going to break your rule — I know you said not to advise you get an attorney, but please understand having power of attorney doesn’t mean you can make changes in a will. Just see what’s said in the will and if you are specifically mentioned.
Hi, I do not mean to intrude here, but I want you to know that power of Attorney can change certain wills (the kind that are enabled for alterations) and can change estate benefits, and can sell and purchase property, I went through it. I being the only child to my family’s estate, lost EVERYTHING (including family photo albums) because a non family member was made power of attorney. It is very serious. Be careful
Frances,
Thank you for the correction!! Wow!!! That is very serious and very scary. And I am so sorry you don’t even have photo albums.
No matter how many stories I read about Ns or what I’ve even experienced firsthand, I’m still shock-able!
Sue…..The legalities…… It depends on the country and the State. In Australia Power of Attorney is for the living. The Power of Attorney ceases when the person dies. The Will comes into play when there is a death. The Executors of the Estate take over after the death. It is important to know what applies in your State and Country. Even in Australia each State is different. I am sure that would apply in the USA…. differences in the States. All Powers of Attorneys and Executors have to act in the best interest of the person who appointed them…. your sister is obviously not doing this. If she had legal access to your Mum’s money prior to her death, she was NOT acting in her best interest to remove the money into her account. It is illegal to do that, unless she was removing the money to do something specific for her Mother…. like paying her Mother’s debts NOT HER OWN. You need to get legal advice from someone who understands the law where the will was written, who signed it, who witnessed it etc. I agree…. it is very important to explore your legal options…. pro bono (free) etc. as mentioned above. I am sure it is illegal to do what she has done. It is also possible to look at ‘defamation of character’. In Australia we have Legal Aid where there is limited income. This is pro bono. One of the things that I had to do was convince myself that there was no amount of money, no amount of belongings…. that were worth me sacrificing my life for. Later I realised that it also applied to my sanity. My Narc was a Psychopath and tried to strangle me…. twice. He was my second husband. (I lived with him for 2 years 10 months). It took me a while to get out and a bit of couple counselling later to realise NO CONTACT was the only safe way. (the Apprehended Violence Order, AVO, was only for 12 months and not renewed as he objected and I had no money to contest it in court). NO CONTACT, NO MATTER THE OUTCOME. I later realised that this included my sanity…. I lost over $50,000 of my hard earned money, plus many personal belongings. The court did help me get back the majority of my things. However, a flood, caused much damage to my things…. as a direct result of his neglect of my property, including the loss of 2 cars which I paid for. I could have fought him in settlement in court, but his lies and deception could have gone the wrong way for me. He didn’t take me to court for settlement…. I am sure he knew he didn’t want his Solicitor to find out the truth of his deception and lies and manipulation for $. Sadly these people, including your sister, get advice and lie lie lie…. they think they KNOW every loophole in the law. They will get caught eventually. One day you will begin to feel better. I thought I would never get through with my sanity…. but I did….. a couple of weeks ago I posted here that I was down in the pits again, feeling sad and that these creeps get away with it and fearing I would lose my faith. After over 56 posts in response on this site….. I realised I AM NOT ALONE. I am cared for, I am prayed for, I am justified…. I haven’t done anything wrong…. same as you. I won’t lose my faith…. it is OK to feel this way. Hold your head high…. know that you are HUGGED by us all. I have read so many responses and other websites where people do realise the truth about these people. They don’t just CHEAT us…. they cheat MANY. The truth will be revealed. Meanwhile our job is to retain our integrity, honesty and peace. Allow yourself to grieve for your Dad who was your support…. Allow yourself to grieve your Mum and sister for what might have been…. we need to grieve that loss too. Above all …. look after yourself and your family. BLOCK all FB unless you need it for legal evidence for the Lawyer. In that case DON’T read it. I felt so much better when I BLOCKED my ex and his friends. I realised he was watching me through them. Friends of his made rude comments related to me. So I blocked the lot of them, so that I couldn’t read them and they couldn’t read me or anything I post on other pages. It is hard but NECESSARY for our sanity. Once the legal people have seen it then you can block it. Ask advice. BLESS YOU and KNOW that we all care. HUGS. May God bring you His peace.
Kathy, thanks for the hugs and your kind words. I actually don’t follow her on Facebook and don’t even have a Facebook page so she can’t stalk my activities anymore either. A friend who knew about the exchange this weekend let me know so that I wouldn’t be broadsided if anyone turned on me directly, as has happened in the past. Unfortunately, although I am mentioned in the will, my parents gave her total control to decide how to distribute everything. I warned them that she would find ways around their wills unless they were more specific, but they told me that I was being unfair to her and that they were sure that she would respect them and do right by me. On my mother’s part, it was just more “golden child” behavior; and my dad just didn’t want to rock the boat as he knew she has a terrible temper. I talked with a lawyer, who told me that because it was worded so vaguely, it gives her a ton of room for her to technically follow the letter of the law and ignore its spirit. But thanks for your support.
I am so very sorry, Sue. Please see her words as nonsense (she wishes she could help, but just couldn’t? If she can and doesn’t, then clearly she doesn’t wish that!).
The injustices in this world are sometimes so incredible — and we stand there with our mouths open, unable to even imagine that another human being can be so cruel.
I wish I had magic words for you. I wish I could take away the pain. You may even be angry with yourself for asking her for help — but don’t be.
Somehow, someway, as tough as this has been, you have found ways to survive. Jesus promised to never ever ever ever leave us or forsake us. I’ll be honest — there are times I look up and I say “YOU gave me five senses. YOU gave me sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing. Then YOU say Walk By Faith! This is NOT FUNNY, God.” But yet, I do know He’s never left me.
He’s never left you either. He is not man that He should lie.
He has promised us our daily bread, enough for today.
Please don’t think I’m weird or morbid (well, sometimes I’m weird), but when my faith is low, when I can’t find God, I sometimes read stories about near death experiences and how beautiful heaven is. Sometimes the NDEs are people who claim to have gone to hell. Or I read testimonies of Muslims who have converted to Christianity and the dreams they’ve had of Jesus. I at times read those Chicken Soup books about answered prayers. When I’m not “experiencing the presence of the Lord” I read about others who are. It seems to help me.
And, of course, abide in His word and let His word abide in you. There is no substitute for reading God’s Word.
I am so very sorry for your pain.