Confrontation!

It’s Narcissist Friday!  

 

“People who confront the narcissist always lose.”

 

What do you think? Is that a true statement?  It certainly seems true, doesn’t it?  Only enter the fight if you are prepared to get beat up.  To confront the narcissist on behavior or attitude is to walk dangerously.

If you are reading this, you probably understand. It might be at work where you confront the narcissist about the lies he has told about you.  It might be a parent who has always put you down.  It might be a friend who takes advantage of your time and energy.  Or it might be a spouse or lover who is often cruel and uncaring.  But when you point out how they hurt you, you end up hurt again.

Somehow it is all your fault. You started it.  You deserve it.  You are the real culprit.  If you hadn’t done what you did, this never would have happened.  You should be thankful the narcissist puts up with you at all.  On and on and on.  By the time it’s over you wish you had never dared.

Then you feel like crap. Sorry for the vernacular, but that’s the way it is.  You built up your courage, gathered your nerve, prepared your words—and got creamed.  And this isn’t the first time.

So what do you do? Simple justice seems to demand that the narcissist be confronted.  She has to be told that she is hurting you.  He has to have the boundaries made clear.  They ought to be stopped.

But here’s the problem: the narcissists either already know they are doing something that hurts you or they simply don’t care. All your energy seems out of line to them.  They don’t understand why you are attacking them, since they have done nothing wrong.  Again, you deserved it.  To the narcissist, it is almost hypocritical of you to challenge them for their cruelty when it was your own fault.

 

And     so     you     go     slowly     crazy.

 

But understand that this is not your problem. You are not the crazy one.  This is how narcissists generally deal with confrontation.  Whether it is the boss, the mother, the neighbor, the police officer or anyone.  Even the counselor.

To the Officer: “Yes, Officer, I see your point. Thank you.  I appreciate your diligence.”

To you: “That jerk!  If he didn’t have that badge I would have pushed his words down his throat.  Who does he think he is giving me a ticket?”

Even when it seems that the confrontation works, it still doesn’t. There may be limited success.  He might shut up for a while.  She might walk away.  But they really don’t understand your anger and don’t care about your point.  They can’t see you as a real person whose emotions are valid.  Your anger, your sadness, your joy—they don’t understand them the way you might understand the emotions of others.

 

Back to the question: What do you do? Here are some ideas:

  1. Do what you must. If you must say something, do it. It will feel good to get it out, no matter how it is accepted.
  2. Plan for failure. There are times when it is right to do something even if you know ahead of time that it won’t work. Maybe someone else will hear and understand your point, even if the narcissist doesn’t get it. If you plan for the narcissist to avoid or miss your point, you might not be as hurt when he/she does.
  3. Accept small victories and benefits. Sometimes a confrontation can set up a boundary. Sometimes the narcissist will be set back and have to take a different tack. That can be good.
  4. Or you don’t have to confront at all. Why put yourself through that if you don’t have to? Set your boundaries and maintain them without confrontation. The narcissist will probably try to use confrontation if you seem to want to avoid it, but walking away or staying silent can be a very effective strategy.

 

Confrontation is hard and narcissists usually choose victims who hate it in almost any circumstance. It is hard because you see the other as a real person and you don’t want to hurt them, nor do you want to fail to get your point across.  Just know that your desire to confront and your struggle with confrontation are okay.  They’re normal.

So I have attached a little video that seemed to illustrate what happens when we try to confront the narcissist. I apologize in advance for the “dumb criminals” part.  You are neither dumb nor criminals, but the narcissist is usually as hard as bulletproof glass!

41 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

41 responses to “Confrontation!

  1. HAAAAAHAAAAAAAA That Video Made My DAY!!! 🙂 LOL

    • YES! Sooooo funny, and let me say it helps in the sanity dept. Thank you.

      I would also like to add that I find the same results from doing something NICE to/for the narcissist. It still slaps me right back in the face! Ya can’t win!

  2. rita

    Yes, confrontation seems to set in motion the beginning of whatever snare the N has planned ahead of time if you confront him. In 34 years, it NEVER worked to confront or even gently point out something. It was always “your memory is not good, that is not what I said,…happened…are you at your time of the month?…how dare you accuse me of doing that…of course this is your motive, everyone knows that if you say this, this is your motive…have you read your Bible today?…why do you always have to start arguments?…and then of course he would yell in his deep intimidating voice, and then tell me he doesn’t yell or get angry. 2 and 1/2 years from the divorce, and God is so kind to gently keep peeling back the layers of fear and shame that were the result of 34 years of oppression and cruelty. I am so different on the inside now, all worship to the Lord. Thank you for all of the very, very, helpful and insightful posts. God has used them to bring alive my faith and hope again, and helped me let go of feeling crazy and believing it.

    • joy

      I’m glad you are healing and it’s also good to hear that you are 2.5 years out and still healing. I am also almost 3 years out, and still healing after 30 years of marriage. Most days, I feel good, but when I have to deal with him for some reason, it’s confusing…the image, the truth I know, the act he is presenting at the moment….I struggle afterwards to get back on an even keel. It almost reminds me of what people tell me about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Flashbacks of feelings, feeling as if I’m prey.

      • joy, I am glad to hear that you feel good most days, after 30 years of marriage and now freedom. And at the same time, it seems so daunting. I am 30+ years in and just found out in May who & what I have been married to all these years. Although we were separated for 5 years back in the mid 90’s, it has been a long and cruel and mind-boggling road, as I’m sure you could agree. We are now separated again, sort of and I’m trying to figure how & when to make it permanent. My N husband has quit putting on the “nice guy” routine in public and almost seems to have gone the other way, it is really confusing. I can hardly believe my eyes & ears at times when we are out and have no idea what is going on. At home, he is even different, not as he used to be, although sometimes I sense “it” lurking. Now that his true Narc self has been revealed, I’d rather it just keep presenting himself true to it, instead of showing signs of almost normalcy. I cannot believe it after all I have been through with him. I was just wondering if anyone has experienced this seeming bait & switch routine. So happy for your healing, keep going, sounds like you’re doing great!

      • Anon

        Survivorthrivor2, seems to me that the bait and switch IS the Narc. I have never heard of one who does NOT do this. It’s how they keep their victims hanging on and make them crazy and suffering PTSD. One minute they seem sooo kind and normal and the next minute they are vomiting their bile all over you once you’ve let your guard down. I would think if they did not do this then they are not Narcs!

        Sunflower, they never stop trying to elicit sympathy and playing the victim. 10 years later he still believes you have no reason for not talking to him…or at least he wants to act like he has no idea. Why can’t you play along like other people do? LOL. Wow, I wonder what the current wife puts up with after 10 years. Have you heard?

  3. Tori

    Your posting is dead on. I had a Christian counselor tell me that confrontation would be pointless. He referenced Proverbs about not arguing with a fool and every time I am tempted to point out wrongdoings I just repeat the Proverbs verse.

  4. newlyanonymous

    I reached a point where talking was useless because he didn’t honor his word. (You’d think I’d know that after more than two decades together.) And due to his meanness when we were alone together or dishonoring his word, my lack of trust in him lead to my putting headphones and an mp3 player in and I listen to “Overcomer” by Mandisa if we’re alone. If a witness (daughter) is present, I can talk, but I’ve told him I won’t discuss (because it leads to bickering, and I refuse to go around and around in that sick dance anymore) anything. He can leave me notes if he wants to.
    And he has.
    I didn’t read this morning’s note he left to me because, at the instruction of my pastor, I ended up calling an abuse hotline and a representative of DCF has just left our home, after interviewing me and our daughter. Please pray. I’m not really scared anymore, but I do want truth to come out. I want this to be resolved in a way that leaves me and my daughter safe and her remaining in our home with me. I want him to have no unsupervised visitation. I want our daughter to have supernatural comfort, peace and wisdom throughout the upcoming days, weeks, months – and me to have supernatural wisdom and strength.
    I am confronting the narc in a big way. Our pastor has even said that we are past the point of reconciliation. I am thankful that I do not think I will lose my church family over this.

    • TL

      Oh, newly anonymous, God bless you! Only club members can truly understand this type of confrontation. You are about to enter turbulent waters. I wanted you to know I am keeping you and your daughter in my prayers. You sound strong and focused. Don’t worry if the fear creeps back in at times, you’ll recover.

      When I confronted, and eventually went through a divorce it was hell. The strangest thing happened. The more scary the event,the more I felt God’s peace. I’m not implying this will be easy, but He will meet your needs. I’m including some of the scriptures that brought me comfort when I was in the heat of the battle.

      Psalm 5, Psalm 55, Psalm 21:11, Psalm 35:20

      Hugging you in my heart

      • newlyanonymous

        TL, May God richly bless you for the comfort you have provided me. Indeed, this weekend, as I await the state’s response to what’s happening, I should be on more pins and needles, but the Lord has provided me a supernatural measure of peace and okay-ness with whatever happens. I am certain my calmness is of the Lord. I am praying now for deliverance and vindication, for His Name’s sake. To deliver His people (child and me) from this evil and ugliness. For no unsupervised visitation and that the narc (not child and I) leave the home. However, I am prepared for whatever the Lord grants. If our situation stays as it is, so be it. The Lord is able and powerful enough to deliver us, but if we must endure the flames with Jesus here with our tormentor here at home, Jesus will never leave or forsake us, so to Him be the glory. I love the psalms you provided. One of them, in fact, 55:22 was given to me written in calligraphy by a mom of a child I watch at church: “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.” She didn’t then know of my situation, but I have kept that verse front and center this year. (hugs)

  5. wendy

    I learned as a child never to confront. I am 61 yrs old now for example my mom (the N) gave my grandchild a present when she was born I paid for it and she was supposed to pay me back well 4 months later I have not been paid back…I am to afraid to bring it up

  6. Anon

    Wow, that video says it all…except with the Narc you could ever so gently toss that ball to the window but it would still come back in angry full force and knock you to the ground. Even the sweetest, softest words were raged at with my ex. The Bible says a soft word turns away wrath but not so with a Narc. Yes, beware. Say something if you want to get it out but be prepared you most likely will end up feeling worse because they will attack you at a Level 10 even though you approached at a Level 1. For me, it was just not worth having to lick my wounds for days and feeling crazy. Better to say nothing. However, I do think it is a good ‘test’ to know if you are dealing with a Narc. They will actually tell you that you are abusive to them by simply bringing up their abuse. My ex divorced me saying, “I can’t be with someone who sees me as her abuser.” Hmmmm…refused to ever even discuss whether or not he WAS abusive (very much so)…all he could focus on was how he was just so insulted that I pointed it out and to him! He actually told me that me saying that he hurt me felt like abuse to him! They are a twisted lot. I feel for anyone who has to deal with them. My ex just pretty much disowned his own daughter for telling him that she, too, was hurt by him and she called him out on his poor choices and serial relationships. They do not want any spotlight on their true self or they will discard you so fast your head will spin. I always think of the Emperor’s New Clothes…God forbid you point out the truth of their nakedness…just play along that they are dressed in fine silks and all will be well with them (except it is not well with you because you will lose your sanity trying to pretend away the truth you see right in front of your face.) Blessings to all.

  7. I read just the opening quote, “People who confront the narcissist always lose” and knew this article would be spot on.

    But when I read, “…when you point out how they hurt you, you end up hurt again,” I had to wonder if a happy dance would be inappropriate for a topic I related to because of personal deep pain and unhappiness.

    Nah. I’m going to stick with that I’m incredibly happy that someone ‘gets it’, and writes such a great article about it!

    • Valerie

      Yes! This comment about being hurt again really hit me when I read it too. I also can relate to wanting to do the happy dance when someone else gets it. Validation truly does make you want to dance in your PJ’s! (ha ha)

  8. Kitkat

    I did confront my N ex-friend. And while it felt good for me to clear the air, I have still lost. She remains at the church I loved and I have stopped going to regular services and only go there when they need me for special occasions. (I have been on the building committee and on church council.) When I have seen some of the people I used to associate with, some of them are cold towards me now. While there are still some people who want me to comeback because they saw her behavior first hand, it makes things very awkward because of her spreading lies about me to other people causing division. That is the reason I felt I should leave, because I don’t think this kind of division has any place in a church. I have promised to finish some of the things that I set out to help with, but I plan to cut all my ties by the end of the year. If you do confront your N just remember that they will do whatever they can to make you look bad. They will try to bait you with outrageous accusations just to get a rise out of you. They enjoy it. My N liked to look like a martyr and would feed off of people feeling sorry for her. That way she could do the “Poor me” game. I don’t regret the confrontation because now she knows that not everyone will take her abuse like the rest of her family does. She is very subtle in how she operates. She leads you along like she is really your friend and then, “Wham!” she blindsides you. I just wish there was some kind of little psychiatric test we could do when we meet new people so these Narcissists don’t sneak up on us unawares. Many thanks Pastor Dave, for another accurate and insightful article.

  9. eahill58

    Interesting and thought provoking! It is true though that we cant win because they don’t react the same way, to them it’s their right to behave exactly as they choose, and YOU don’t have the right to challenge them on it, I suppose its their ENTITLEMENT again, I used to hate confrontation, and still do,so would eventually burst with anger and frustration at my unjust treatment! I thought of course if I had been able to point out all along how hurt I was it would have made a difference, but of course I had been manipulated by him! I.e “I am totally shocked at your over-reaction,you must tell me when you Are annoyed”….of course when I did tell him, I was still wrong, it was always my fault! And I believed it!…I am much better a recognising toxic people in my life now,when I had employed a woman to clean when I was having some health issues,and she was lazy and did a useless job of cleaning,I let it ride for a while (fear of confrontation again?) until the nasty little comments started, “the state of your house”, even though she knew I was having health problems,it was still my fault for not employing her enough hours! I made an excuse and stopped employing her,which many other people had done too! So I knew it wasn’t just “me” as I had been told by the narcissist years before! And most of important of all to me I didn’t let it go on until I felt the crazy one! Learning from my past at last!

  10. Kimberly

    As usual you completely capture my thoughts and feelings on this subject that I have trouble expressing. So therapeutic to read. Thank you.

  11. Remedy

    Agreeing with Kimberly. No words can express the depth of gratitude to so many who have shared their stories and struggles. This is certainly the only way I know I am not crazy!! Pastor Dave..thank you for your incredible insight and counsel that you put in writing to share and the sacrifice of your time to do so.
    To newlyannonymous….my heart goes out to you. Our stories are so similar it sometimes frightens me. I am a mother of 3 teenage boys. Stay strong and know that you are dearly loved by the Lord and your daughter also

  12. Mary G

    This is why I NEVER confront Amy, rarely confronted Mum and rarely confronted Ian !!!!
    I am certain you can relate !!!!
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  13. 38 years and counting...

    Thanks for the laugh. Bullet proof glass is exactly what I’m up against in my love for the truth of God’s reality as opposed to my husband, covert narcissist’s singular and fantastical commitment to self. I so welcomed this delightful bit of levity in the midst of life sucking brevity. BTW… My narcissistic husband actually sees me as a criminal when I dare insist God’s reality trumps his self-centered reality. He is very punitive as a result.

  14. I finally called a well known Christian counseling service (hot line), when I couldn’t get anywhere with any of the past and/or present pastors we’ve had over these many years; and I was finally set free of this “confrontation” “need to be heard and getting more hurt, blamed, etc., vicious cycle. I had to wait for a call back and I was praying and asking God, how do I sum up 30 some years of this “thing” that was supposed to be a marriage? And faithful as always, I found this on FB –
    “There is a difference between caring, controlling and crazy. “Caring” makes a suggestion, “controlling” makes a demand, and “crazy” makes you obey or pay. Recognize “crazy” early…..people are losing their lives trying to “cure” CRAZY!
    As soon as I read it I said, “THATS IT!” That sums up my life with this man.
    When the counselor (who was a pastor himself) returned my call, this saying is how I summed up my marriage to him. He immediately knew who & what I was dealing with and said that I needed to get out, because they rarely if ever, change. He called him a Domestic Abuse Perpetrator and said it’s not about ever being happy, it’s about being safe, so he can never hurt you again. He asked me, “How do you pet a snake?” And I said, “YOU don’t!” And he said, “EXACTLY!” It was difficult to hear and it took several days for it to really sink in, but I also felt a huge weight lifted off of me…..I’m not crazy! And everything was NOT MY FAULT!
    Thank you so much for this post, it reiterates that we were not crazy and always a fault and now we know why. And knowledge is definitely power!

    • Anon

      I like what the pastor said about the snake. It reminds me of the frog and the scorpion story. (You can google it if you don’t know it.) We must stop being gullible frogs and accept that scorpions are scorpions no matter how much we want to believe they are cuddly kittens. And scorpion stings are deadly. Don’t get caught in the middle of the lake with them! 😉

    • Two gems right here:

      “Caring” makes a suggestion, “controlling” makes a demand, and “crazy” makes you obey or pay.

      “I was finally set free of this “confrontation” “need to be heard and getting more hurt, blamed, etc., vicious cycle.”

      Thank you SurvivorThrivor2.

      • “I was finally set free of this “confrontation” “need to be heard and getting more hurt, blamed, etc., vicious cycle.”

        Re-reading the above has opened my eyes that I also need to be free of caring whether *others* hear me, understand me, and believe me about the abuse. It’s a waste of my energy and life. If they REALLY care then they would make an effort to educate themselves or be willing to read a book or website we offer to them. So far, only other woman who are being abused have taken me up on the offer to learn more.

      • Celestebella I love what you say about letting go of the need to confront and the need for others to understand. It is a lonely battle and a personal one. No one can really put themselves in your shoes. Why. We learned the word last week. Insidious. Small tiny acts that seem like nothing, but as a whole…They are striking like the most venomous snake. Small bite wholes but big impact. No one could look at those little bit marks and understand the pain that goes with them. And how do you confront a snake anyhow?

      • Sorry for typos and misspells. These I devices have a mind of their own.

  15. Kitkat

    Survivorthrivor2, “Caring” makes a suggestion, “controlling” makes a demand and “crazy” makes you obey or pay. Wow, we need to put that one in a frame right by our beds in the morning. Thank you for posting, I have to put this one up in my room ASAP. Brilliant!

  16. UnForsaken

    Aha! Choose your battles and choose your own battle ground. I know I’m blessed to be the one who has grown in strength from God as my N remains confrontation wary, always in need of comfort. His actions often seem to call out for confrontation, but he is so surprised when he gets it ! He’s so used to getting his way that expressing another opinion must be totally unexpected. ( And therefore, ‘pushing back’, because that space is ‘his due’ and nobody else dares! )

    The last and only time I ever confronted him he was actually bating me, although I couldn’t see that at the time and he never expected that response. Perhaps he didn’t know he was doing it and wanted empathy of some kind…..or he simply forgot who he was talking to ( he does Strangely confuse us ) and was spoiling for a fight, but not with me. ( It’s a mixed-up version of passive aggression, which seems to have confused him as much as it’s supposed to complicate things for us! ) One way or the other, since then he hasn’t tried it again . I fully expect him to be very devious next time instead, and accuse me of secrets and lies much later, rather than have to experience the discomfort of confrontation. Ns shape shift in their methods, and we need to prepare for it.

    I Love the quote about caring, controlling and crazy! People spread the idea that someone controls because it’s their way of showing caring, but it’s really because they don’t know what caring IS. And control is so close to crazy! But caring is close to thoughtfulness, random acts of kindness, quality time and even kind words found here on the internet! 😉

  17. George

    It was because I confronted my parents with their behavior, communicated and maintained my boundaries and tried to understand their response that I found myself on the road of discovering how narcissistic they are and always have been.

  18. Thank You Pastor Dave, In rereading last weeks blog I find myself indicating the need to talk it out with the N. Even though I acknowledge right there that I have failed in the past. I keep trying to make sense of the crazy. Thank You for saving me.

    Confrontation does not work. Unless I confront him to kiss his feet I will come out the loser.

    I have come to the conclusions and of course the fine people here already clued me in that if I cant do no contact then my best bet is to smile and walk around that hole. Smile. Smile. Hard because I am so deeply offended. But smile. I will try. I guess, but I would rather stomp on his foot.

  19. unofficialnarcissist

    Confronting my narcissist has always been about me practicing using my voice. There is no way he would ever hear what I am saying, but it benefits me and heals all the times I did not use my voice with him. One day I just won’t care to use my voice.
    Confronting him on factual behavior yields one of two responses from him: “Accusations add no value to the conversation and they need to cease.” or, “I didn’t do that. I’m sorry you see it that way/feel that I did/perceive it as such.”
    Gets boring after awhile. He cannot and will not take responsibility for his actions, or will justify his lies. All in the name of self-preservation.

  20. Sunflower

    After about 20 years of marriage, the Lord told me to shut up, stop trying to talk about anything, just walk away. I didn’t have any information about Ns but I now understand it all…….well, understand the non-understandable anyway. We remained ‘married’ for 5 more years, and now that is 22 years later (he’s been married to another for about 10 years) and he STILL whines to the children that I won’t talk to him, and has some of their sympathy. Persistent, aren’t they?

  21. Jeff Crippen

    Excellent article. Thank you. One of my flaws as a pastor over the years (I see, now that I have grown wiser by hard lessons) is that of feeling a responsibility to “fix” people (usually I called it “helping” them). But I cannot fix anyone, and in particular a narcissist (narc). What I have learned to do is to draw boundaries with these kind, which is a kind of confrontation. Specifically, once someone proves themselves to be a narc or abuser or sociopath or plain old unsafe person, I cut off all contact with them. Understand, I am talking about full blown cases of these types, not people who simply annoy me. Be it a close family member or someone else, I have found this is the only route to peace and health. Can you believe that I tried confrontation and “counseling” of such people for over 20 years, waiting for them to “change”? You can guess the outcome. They didn’t change, but I finally did. I ceased any kind of relationship with them. Once in awhile I have a doubt about whether I have been too harsh (they will make that claim whenever they can of course), but then some indirect word comes back to me or I might even run into them somewhere and inevitably I can see the narc is still the narc and I realize I have made the correct choice. Peace in regard to a narc comes when the narc is no longer in my life.

    And I think we have this principle over and over in Scripture. Put such a man out from among you. Reject a factious man. Do not even eat with such a person. Come out from among them and be separate.

  22. Excellent article. I rarely confront my N spouse because it will probably go badly. I focus more on being effective. When he brings up an idea that I think is wrong/not what I want to do. I rarely disagree verbally. As soon as you do, it becomes a power struggle (besides the N is not asking for your input or opinion). I am usually silent and non-committal and the topic will eventually go away. But if he comes up with something I agree with, I pour on the praise and encouragement. It’s like dealing with a 2 year old. Sometimes I must confront because it is the right thing to do because I am a wife/mother/Christian. Before I confront, I think about what I would like the outcome to be, try very hard to speak calmly and not out of anger (take all my hurt and anger to the Lord well before the conversation), have low expectations, and so I don’t chicken out, I try to plan something nice for myself after things have died down; a little reward for rolling up my sleeves and doing the hard work with someone who seems incapable of compromise, empathy, collaboration, consideration.

  23. eahill58

    I confronted my Ex, on monday,”Jon ,I like your share on facebook about parenting, and about being a Grandad,surely you have to be a DAD BEFORE YOU CAN BE A GRANDAD..,do you want to know why Joe (our son) does not want to talk to you? Do you care?..I doubt it!! but here it is,He is paying the council tax bill from when he wasnt even living at your house, because you forged his signature on the form,He was ging to prision, its only cos they got a really good lawyer, who was able to prove that Joe was not even living there at the time!! He cant forgive you because you would have you would have happily have seen him go to prisison and not turned a hair, just as long it wasnt you.,..I do forgive your violence to me, and because it made our other son Ben autistic,because he saw you trying to kill me, but Ben has no life because of you,will never get married and h ever have children, and have to be looked after all his life, how do you sleep at night, how can you treat your own flesh and blood like this and have no conscience, never pay a penny for their manitenence, and lie to them about it. i have papers to show you never paid, and of course everyone had to put up with you because of your elderly parents sake, no one wants to upset them, so no one tells the truth..
    Yes i confronted my Ex on monday…over facebook!!, and then blocked him so he couldnt reply!!!,… locked myself in the house, and didnt answer the phone,i was expecting some abusive texts,but none came…Yes i did confront him…in a cowardly way.!!!..i guess we never win!!

  24. Singing Eagle

    I don’t know if anyone will read this post but I have a new situation to deal with in this area of confrontation. How do I (if at all) confront my N husband about inappropriate behavior towards our daughter? Yes, I have experienced all that was shared above… the lying, the deception, the twisting of truth, etc. I nearly lost my mind thinking I was the crazy one. NOW, I just discovered when bringing my daughter back to college that the reason she never wants to come back home was because her father had been making inappropriate jesters and other acts to her (touching, sexual innuendos, exposing) since she was a child. Other than feeling total rage and like a deer in headlights, I managed to remain calm and thanked her with tears in my eyes for finally telling me something she held in for so long. I asked her if she wanted to tell other siblings (who may respond violently toward their father) or confront him or report him (who btw had a stroke and still doing sexual jesters) but she calmly said not now. She seems very peaceful being away from home and I told her I will support her in any way she needs me. But at this point, our adult children and I all know it is seemingly hopeless to try to discuss anything with him since any and all problems are twisted or the fault of others. From me, I learned the hard way it’s better not to confront as it only made it worse and more frustrating. However, as for my daughter, I want to do right by her. When it comes to the safety of my children, I understand all the more why some women do things to their spouses they wouldn’t do otherwise! This one way I have cried out painfully to the Lord! Any advise or suggestions?

    • Still Reforming

      Singing Eagle,

      I can only say that since I’m living that nightmare now, only with a younger daughter, it is a very difficult thing to prove. Even with the child’s word about what happened. When it remains innuendo or “unsubstantiated allegations”about inappropriate touch, you and your daughter stand being dragged through the court system belaboring difficult moments and spending thousands of dollars. If your daughter is safe and out of the house at the moment, I would respect her desire of “not now” and let her handle things in her way and her timing. She is safe. And you don’t have to live the nightmare of having to prove what is very difficult to do without actual evidence. I’m learning that even a child’s word about it may not be respected…. if the child is even allowed that voice in court.

      • Singing Eagle

        Still Reforming,
        Thank you so much for your willingness to share what is probably a very difficult matter for you and your daughter. It helps to know what I suspected. Due to any false accusations some children are used as leverage against spouses, it’s hard to get a judge to believe you if they are not aware of the chameleon you are married to. Your response helps me know all the more that simply telling her siblings would be enough for her. She is known for being honest and never had any history of lying or trying to accuse him of anything before. Besides, the biggest thing will be for him to be exposed to ALL our children for the perverted minded person he is. Whether he denies it (very likely) or not, it will be enough that she will get healing and can’t hide from the truth. They will believe her over him. My continued prayer is for the Lord to give her the courage to speak up, the right time and the siblings will not respond out of emotion but use wisdom and clear thinking. Thank you again!

  25. Still Reforming

    Singing Eagle, You are more than welcome. Your gut instinct is right. Do what helps HER and if she knows her own mind (and it sounds like you do too), then let her just confide in her way and time (just as she did with you) to her siblings. That will help her more than any court justice, which (as you rightly surmised) won’t help her at all. It’s nearly impossible to prove and will be very costly (and difficult for her and you). The Lord will help her. I completely understand your continued prayer, as it is my own for my child too. May God continue to be gracious and merciful to you and yours.

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