It’s Narcissist Friday!
Thirty years ago I picked up a great little book by William Backus and Marie Chapian that talked about what they called “Misbelief Therapy.” The idea was that when we speak lies to ourselves, either lies we have heard from others or lies we have determined in our own hearts, we suffer needlessly. The truth will set us free, according to the Scripture. For too many, it is the lie that binds us. More recently, Joseph Prince, a very popular preacher from Singapore, has taught on the “power of right believing.” It is the evil one who lies and has built lies into our world and our lives. The truth will set us free.
These days I receive many emails with painful stories and cries for help and encouragement. Most often, the victim of the narcissist has accepted so many lies that he/she is almost overwhelmed with confusion and grief. I find the same thing with believers who have been abused by legalism. Their ideas of who they are and what they can do are greatly affected by the lies they have been told. But the truth can set us free.
So it seemed important for me to try to put some of these things together for today’s post. Read them out loud to yourself. Maybe you would add some to the list. Let the truth destroy the lies you have learned and lived with.
I will say that this is an overtly Christian blog. All are welcome and I care deeply for those of you who do not share my faith, but I cannot avoid speaking out of what I have learned to be true and according to the perspective I have lived. I encourage everyone to read through these statements and find strength and truth.
The narcissist does not define you. You might feel like you have lost yourself, that you have become another person, but this relationship does not determine who you are. It doesn’t matter if you are married to the narcissist or if you are the child of a narcissist. You are still an individual, still a person.
You do not need the narcissist. Because your identity does not come from the narcissist, you do not need that person in your life. You may choose to allow that person in your life, but you don’t need him/her. You are a real and valuable person apart from the narcissist.
You do not need to change your situation in order to become you again. Nor do you need to stay in your situation to be yourself. You can and should be who you are where you are, no matter what is happening around you. You may need to make a change in order to be safe or to protect your children, but that change will not change you.
You are not defined by what you do. Apart from what you do, you are still you. Your value is not limited to what you contribute to others. Rejection does not reflect your value, nor does criticism. Failure is a normal part of human life. Everyone fails—no one is a failure.
Narcissism is evil. It hurts others for its own purposes. You do not deserve to be hurt or used or abused. You are not the cause of the narcissism and it is not right for you to be a victim. Sometimes we are called to endure evil, but we are never called to think that evil is good. You are free, even right, to say that narcissistic abuse is wrong and should end.
You will not fix your narcissist. Even if you believe he/she can be helped, you are not the one to do it. You have been used by the narcissist and you are not in the position to help, no matter how much you have read or understand—no matter how much you still care.
You will not save the narcissist. Yes, the narcissist needs Jesus, needs forgiveness and peace, but you cannot make that happen. No actions, no words, no beliefs will force your narcissist to come to Jesus. That simply is not your job. Nor is your presence required for that to happen.
You are greatly valued and greatly loved. Nothing your narcissist says or does can change that. God knows you and loves you. He sees your struggle and He calls you to His arms. He is with you always. In the midst of your pain, there is peace—even joy—for you in His presence.
In Jesus you are already free, already victorious, already strong, already good, already forgiven, already alive. All that He has for you is found in your relationship with Him. Look to Him before you look to the narcissist, or the pain, or the rejection, or the situation. In Him you will find acceptance, love, and peace. He is the One who tells you who you are, because He is the One who made you and molded you. He is the One who sees you as valuable, precious, and good.
When the lies oppress you, tell yourself the truth. Read this list over and believe these things. No matter what your situation, you are too valuable, too precious, to be depersonalized by the narcissist. If you can’t accept these things, find someone who believes them about you and let that person tell them to you over and over. Find a good counselor or a good friend who cares.
You need the truth. There you will find freedom.
Grace for my Heart 
Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
Grace for My Heart had an excellent post today, it is the truth whether you believe it right now or not.
Beautiful truth – I have to remind myself of these truths almost minute by minute. The evil nature of narcissism can quickly have us believing lies about ourselves and our situations. Lies hold us down and keep us from living freely in who He’s creates us to be. Two women in my church have severely affected me. I’m struggling with C-PTSD, but healing in great ways (EMDR and Chrisitian counseling). Sadly, one of these women is a Christian counselor and was very abusive. Glad to be free.
I also have CPTSD, very interested in EMDR. May I ask how did you arrive to the conclusion to seek EMDR treatment? I would like to share my legal case , unfortunately at this time we are still in litigation. I can say I have created new case law, in favor of victims. I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor. Happy to hear you are free.
boblittlinda- so sorry you have C-PTSD as well. Someone in my family started EMDR and we heard about it that way. We also deal with trauma thru neglected and abised children who come into our home. The therapist said it would get worse before better and that has been the case for me…since there are childhood triggers and more trauma throughout life, it has taken several months to treat…I will go back after the first of the year and hopefully wrap up the EMDR. I still have triggers but they are lessened SO much! It truly is amazing how God has wired the brain to heal through this therapy. The EMDR is once a week and I have weaned my other counseling down to once a month. Praise God!
What does the C stand for in S-PTSD? Also what is EMDR?
I am wondering about what “C” means in relation to PTSD too?
I am considering EMDR, perhaps it is providence that it is mentioned here. My friend’s son had it after a nasty accidental bump to the head which left him with bruising to the back of the brain, evident in neurological problems with balance, anxiety and other things. He did very well with it. I think I have some symptoms/signs of PTSD-very acute startle reflex, general anxiety, panicky feelings which can be triggered of by being accidentally touched, even a brush against the skin. Hypersensitive to touch, difficulty wearing certain textures of clothing ( I am now only able to wear a small number of my clothes). These things are getting worse too, I think it is time for me to get some help from a counsellor/therapist.
Not much time to interact, but want to reply here…
The “c” is for “complex” and is a way to address the challenges of those in long-term abusive situations. It is often not used today, because we are more accepting of using the ptsd designation in our circles. But there are differences worth noting. Here is the Wiki article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder
“C” complex,
My first husband, to whom I was married for 18 years, was an emotionally unavailable, violent narcissist. Decades after our divorce, he gruesomely killed himself, knowing our high-functioning, gentle, kind autistic son would find his body–a horrific discovery that resulted in my son taking his own life less than two months later.
My two adult daughters, probable narcissists themselves, cruelly blamed me for this horror at the time of my son’s suicide and permanently rejected me as “unfit” to be in their and my grandchildren’s lives.
In the succeeding years, as I’ve also dealt with the terminal illness and death of my second husband, I have carried the burden of guilt, shame, worthlessness, and felt undeserving of any good or happiness on this earth.
I see now because of your insightful post that it really is time to speak truth to myself and begin living rather than existing. Thank you for this.
I am so sorry for your pain and losses. May you find comfort in the arms of Christ. I can’t even imagine enduring the suicide of a child. I’m just so sorry…love, hugs, and best wishes in Christ.
Thank you so much for your sweet, comforting reply. After my second husband’s death and my simultaneous retirement three years ago, I entered an extended period in which I found myself alone with Christ. In retrospect, I know that I was blessed, and it was meant to be. It’s a relationship like no other.
Love and hugs to you.
Dear Ellery I feel you are so brave to be able to share your journey and your heartache and your losses here. I know from personal experience that losing a loved one from suicide is a unique loss, so grievous, so misunderstood, so much stigma ( how painful your daughters could not comfort you ) so hard to imagine continuing to live after it, and the anger you must have felt towards your ex …..but here we are.. I hope that one of the truths you speak to yourself each day is that God is for you; he has sustained you through such terrible times, he is ‘the God who sees’ and not one tear shed has gone unnoticed. He is your rock and your fortress to run into when it all seems just too much..I pray this Christmas you will be filled with wonder, warmth and joy with the knowledge of God’s love sent for you wrapped up in the baby Jesus
(((hugs)))
Dear savedbygrace, thank you so much for your reply and your understanding. It is true that both my son’s suicide and the estrangement of my two adult daughters are stigmatic. I’ve learned that I have to be careful when sharing. It’s an awkward dilemma, because children and grandchildren are favorite, presumably safe conversational topics.
I didn’t know until very recently that my ex-husband was a narcissist. I found out while researching the disturbing behavior of two “friends.” My ex, and later my daughters, convinced me that I had been 100 percent at fault for all of our family’s problems. As a result, I actually felt sorrow and compassion for him! I was angriest at myself.
After reading Dave’s enlightening post, I have been boldly speaking God’s truth to myself. Last night as I watched the two-year-olds at church for Parents’ Night Out, the love of God poured from me onto the children, and what a happy difference that made in our evening!
This morning I awoke with faint glimmerings of hope, rather than my usual fear and dread. In speaking with God as His beloved, worthwhile, deserving daughter, I have come to believe that He has a will and a purpose for my life, something I previously felt I did not merit because of my shameful transgressions.
I see now that the favor of Him Who Dwells in the Burning Bush has been with me all along.
Love, hugs, and thanks, sbg.
And, above all, THANK YOU, DAVE, for such a life-changing post.
Yes, truth is so freeing. What a beautiful picture of you and the two year olds. Thank you for encouraging us.
Ellery, Thankyou for sharing so eloquently. I am very sorry for your deep loss. I am praying for you.
Thanks, Rachel.
thank you.
Oh my…what a great post. I needed to be reminded of all those things. I have more than my share of N’s in my life. I seem to draw them like bears to honey. I needed to hear again that it is not my responsibility to fix them, nor can I. It is up to Jesus. In the meantime, however I have to deal with them, I can be assured that I am valuable and loved by God. The N’s do not define who I am, no matter how cruel they are or how manipulative they try to be. I don’t need to give any of them the space to take those God-given gifts away from me. I can rest in God’s love for me.
Diana, a wise counselor told me that Evil will continue to try to pursue me and harm me in the same ways over and over again. There are many “new” friends that I have blocked and limited contact with once they began to show very bizarre traits (telling me about affairs, binge drinking, reckless driving, stalking…only met one of these new people at church and this behavior became a pattern within just a few weeks!) So don’t be surprised if the enemy begins to bring more of these people into your life- be wise and don’t fall into unhealthy relationships again! I’m in awe how many have crossed my path within the past year.
Joy – thank you for that insight to Evil. I am recognizing more and more when people start drawing me in by their dysfunctional behavior and quickly retreat. My radar kicks in sooner than it used to. Thank God for this site and people who bare their souls on here because your stories have given me courage and perseverance to withstand the confusion of N’s chaos and twisted thinking and take care of myself with God’s help.
i somehow came across this page… after years of emotional abuse from my narcissistic husband I am fed up and The past few months have been nothing but fighting and arguing. He told me last night (among other things) what a horrible person I am and that he deserves a wife who will satisfy him sexually everyday so that he will be happy and treat the kids better. I’ve cried all day wondering why I can’t do and be everything he needs when deep down I know the truth. There is so much hurt and angush inside me that I sometimes think it is all me and feel like giving up. You saved me today. Thank you
You are not horrible. It is not your duty to sexually satisfy His Royal Highness at a moment’s notice every day (in the case of my sexually maladjusted husband, it was 2-3 times a day), and HIM treating the kids better is HIS responsibility and not yours. Why can’t you be his all and all? Because he doesn’t actually want you to be. He just wants to complain about and make you feel bad for NOT being so. This guy has red flags sticking out all over his head. 😛
((((hugs))))
Jill, thanks for your comment which rang bells with me. I have been told the same things by my husband, who has now left me and our children. Yes, I am a horrible person too and I needed to be available at the drop of a hat too and he deserved someone else who was sexually satisfying. It would be funny if it weren’t so dreadful that Narcissists all talk from the same old script! Yes, there is nothing new under the sun and they all say exactly the same things. I eventually found this rather consoling as it means that I am not the only one hearing this nonsense which is simply a bunch of poor excuses for despicable behaviour on their part. Hang in there!
Rachel, I’m sorry you’ve had to endure the degrading torture of marriage to a Narcissist. Your description is so accurately unflattering to them that, in spite of it all, you’ve made me laugh.
Shortly before I left mine for the last time, he ordered me to come upstairs every other night immediately upon my arrival home from work to attempt to improve my deficiencies. The children’s dinner was, of course, irrelevant. He also took away my car, forcing me to ride the bus to and from work, because I arrived home late one night. Reliving a bit of the nightmare has filled me with gratitude that I now live alone, something I’ve not enjoyed until tonight.
I’m praying for you, Rachel. Stay strong.
HI Dave
thanks so much for speaking the Truth into so many lives-
You commented
You do not need to change your situation in order to become you again. Nor do you need to stay in your situation to be yourself. You can and should be who you are where you are, no matter what is happening around you. You may need to make a change in order to be safe or to protect your children, but that change will not change you.
Although I agree that in essence I am ‘me ‘ no matter what my situation, there is a difference between ‘being’ me and being able to live like me. And when that freedom is gone it can change who you are in the world and that impacts sense of self and can even change your nature, personality – some very core stuff.One of the reasons I separated with my husband is that he made it impossible for me to be myself by his words and actions. Even though I tried to live as me I was not able to, and ‘me’ had to hide within in order to survive.. I told myself that “I should be able to be me” but I could not stand against abusive relating and it became a great burden and I felt like a failure that I could not be ‘me’ in our marriage..I think there comes a point where this must impact the very nature of who the ‘me’ is. In fact the ‘me ‘ was dying within and physical stress symptoms manifested to wake me up to the fact that I could no longer live like this!
Separating from my husband was a survival choice…So in changing my circumstances I have been able to be more truly me- and in a sense I am becoming me again because I need to rediscover the things I had lost about who I am and discover new things borne of adversity that are now ‘me’. I guess we are all changing and growing- changing my circumstances has been essential to me in this process.
thanks again for your thought provoking posts.. and this week the reminder to speak truth to ourselves.
I love the saying.. the Truth is a Person.. pointing to Jesus who is the way the Truth and the Life
God bless.
savedbygrace, that is a Very good point. ❤
Me/I – it feels like such a selfish word to even type, but it's therapeutic…so here goes!
I loved all of Pastor Dave's reminders ( Thank You !) , but this one has so many layered truths. If we are getting out only to get in touch with ourselves, we may be sadly disappointed. We can't know ourselves when still functioning by the old lies. But starting now, we can begin a journey of discovery, seeing amazing things inside us we never saw before. That journey is a choice inside. Whether I can change the circumstances or not, I can choose freedom of heart! But this can be impossible to do without at least a little space – physical and mental.
And, although I'm always the 'me' God created, when I can't make my own choices, outwardly furthering who I am becoming, I cannot Be me in a proactive way. Sometimes I wonder what 'me' will look like when I do have the opportunity! Your words comfort and remind me that God is growing the heart through adversity, shaping those outward choices too.
Yes, there is a huge difference between being ourselves and being able to live as ourselves. I look forward to the "more truly me", and love your description of it! This is one of those truths I wish all N enablers could come to see. Truth is hard to swallow, but a Good medicine!
Bless you for these reflections, savedbygrace. It's been a holiday of people trying to break boundaries, and the truth I needed right now was the one you put into words! ❤
savedbygrace,
THANK YOU! You worded so preciously what my heart is knowing to be true, but I couldn’t write it down.
Thank you Dave for this inspired and inspiring post.
Thank you so much for your Christian
perspective on living with a narcissist.
Our daughter is about to divorce her
Narcissist of thirteen years. Your
posts have been very strengthening
to her and to me, her mom.
I slowly became aware of the lies of confusion as I moved through he divorce process 5+ yrs ago. The practice began of stating the lie in just a few simple words and then replacing it with a simply stated truth. It has helped clear away confusion and empower me to stand up to the N. On a few occasions, when a lie was dawning on me, I called the N to state his lie and then state my truth. When the divorce was final, I no longer did this.
When my depression and anxiety started 20 yrs ago, a friend gave me Marie Chaptan’s book, “His Thoughts Toward Me”. It was a life saver for many years. I keep used copies on my shelf to share with others. She planted many seeds of truth back then, that only now do I realize the extent of impact on me and ability to survive and then get out of, my horrible marriage of 30+ yrs.
Carol, thanks for this post. I’ve ordered Marie Chaptan’s book (available for 1 cent and the price of shipping through amazon.com). I recently read and was enriched by a library book which she co-authored.
I’m so glad you’re free now, Carol. With God’s help, we’ll fight on.
Ellery, I guess you must have picked up that I made a typo on her last name. Correct spelling Is Chapian.
I just stopped for a second and pulled her book off my shelf. It will be a good idea for me to keep her book close at hand, especially now to walk with me through the Christmas season.
I hope yours arrives soon.
Carol, replying to your comment about the typo, I didn’t notice it. I looked up the book by title on amazon. I chose expedited shipping. Its predicted delivery date is shortly before Christmas. it is also highly recommended by reviewers on amazon. I’m looking forward to reading it.
It is wise to take precautions during the holiday season. I, too, am emotionally shoring up. So far so good. One blessing you and I share is we’re mercifully no longer married to Narcissists. I am so grateful!
Thanks again, Carol.
Thank you Dave, for sharing these truths with us. I am always amazed that, while I have been a Christian for many years, I still struggle with acting in accordance with lies. The biggest lie I struggle with is that my life does not matter. That lie has been ingrained in me since birth. I had one conversation with my N mother who told me, as a child, that she wished she had never married my dad. I replied, “But then I would not be here.” She responded by saying, “Oh, you would be here, you just would not be you.” Translation – your life (who you are) does not matter – you are only an object or a role – who you are as a person, who you are on the inside is irrelevant. But God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made – his masterpiece created to do good works that He has prepared, in advance, for me to do. My life matters. But I still struggle to believe and act as if that is really true. In my interactions with my mom, I often have to stop and ask myself – how would I respond differently if I really believed and embraced that my life does matter?
I really needed this post. I’ve been battling the lies my narc use to tell me about myself and I’m suffering from flash backs. He dumped me and I haven’t had contact with him in 3 weeks. I changed my number and blocked him from emailing me so if he wanted to contact me he can’t. It’s been 3 years of hell. He was so evil. So calculating and hateful. I thought I could change him but I cant. Only Christ can and my ex doesn’t believe in Christ but believes in God… Not sure how that works 😏. It’s hard when I start to want to talk to him, ask questions and why he did this to me but I know those are things I’ll never get and I’ve been doing so well with no contact. I thought I was different but I am just like all the other women he did this to. It hurts because I care for him and I love him but the person I love and care for isn’t real.. God Bless all of you going through this I’m glad I’m not alone and I’m not “crazy”. Lol
Bless you, Dee. It’s good you’ve done your homework and know who you’re dealing with. You are so right: The man you love does not exist. He was but an illusion. Letting go is so hard, and it will be painful for a while, but you can dig in, hold fast, and change the course of your life now for the better.
You’ve accepted that you can’t change him. You have the courage to change what you can–your circumstances. Good job on going No Contact. That’s so important, and it takes courage.
Refuse to dwell on loving thoughts of him. Replace those thoughts with memories of his cruelty, nastiness, and selfishness. Hopefully, you’ll brainwash yourself and come to loathe him, lol.
You’re doing this. Stay strong. Don’t give in!
Praying for you, Dee.
Thank you Ellery. It feels good to know I don’t suffer alone and there are others that have gone through the same. I thank God for leading me to this information and helping me get out of it without a child or even more damaged. My ex was so evil. So so evil. I’m still having a hard time coping. I suffer flash backs and nightmares but I just keep on praying and taking it day by day. It’s so cruel how much pain they inflict then walk away and sleep well at night. Although a lot of things I’ve read say Narcs don’t care or feel nothing inside I think they do. I think they are so dead and rotten inside that it’s slowly killing them. I think when they are alone in their thoughts they feel so dead. They are dead. I believe they have sold their souls to the devil and even though I pray my ex changes and comes to Christ, I don’t see it happening. The devil has his soul on a tight lease and there’s no hope for him. All I can do is continue no contact, pray for myself and move on. I know I will be ok and find a real love despite what my ex use to tell me, that nobody will ever love me the way he did lol well that’s a love that I can go without 😏. It’s very hard and the devil will try to condemn you through the process, but I refuse to go back to the way I was. I feel free, I’ve accomplished more in 2 months since the break up and even more in the 3 weeks of no contact than I did in 3 years of being with him. I’m getting MY identity back and it feels good. Now I do have my bad days don’t get me wrong. But I feel the emotions I cry I pray then I get back on track. God Bless!
When I read these statements out loud …I cried….a lot…especially , I will not fix …and I will not save…its not my job. I didn’t realize how deeply I believed I needed to fix this until I sobbed at saying it out loud. I needed that. Thank you.
Amen!! Another amazing post. This is just tangible proof that God is real. He speaks to us through his people. I will be revisiting this post over n over until i get it to stick n stay in my head. My N is on a rampage to destroy me emotionally n my overall self esteem BUT GOD!! No weapon I mean no weapon formed against me shall prosper. NONE!! Not my N or my own mind of insecurities n doubts. Keep posting n i will keep reading. Well done…
I almost broke no contact after 1 month. I had this nagging feeling all day to contact him but I didn’t. I resisted the temptation but became physically ill with a terrible migraine, crying and vomiting. Sorry if that was TMI. I’ve never felt that before. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing but I didn’t break no contact. I didn’t think it would be so hard but God got me through it. I hope I never feel that way again. I felt like I was dying. 😔
Dee, you are a warrior. You’ve made it 30 days with no contact–a major milestone! That’s a very long time when you’re suffering. Narcissists are addictive. You are in withdrawal, but this too shall pass. It will get better. Hang on with all your might. God is for you, and He has all the power. Keep pressing in and pressing on one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time–whatever it takes. You can do this. You are doing this.
You’ve had a tough month and an even tougher day. You’ve earned some pampering (manicure, massage, new bestseller, ice cream sundae, Starbucks, or whatever).
We’re for you too, Dee. You’re not alone. I’m praying for you.
Thank you Ellery. I didn’t think this process would be so mentally and physically draining. I feel like a drug addict quitting cold turkey. Last night was really bad but God got me through it and I woke up feeling much better. I know I can get through this. The battle isn’t half way over but with God I can overcome anyone. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I wish you well and success in your fight also. It’s so relieving to have someone that understands what evil I’m up against. God Bless
On my way to work this morning I drove past my ex. 😳 I haven’t seen him in months but was still making contact. My heart sank I wanted to call him, text him but I didnt. I composed myself and went about my day. I feel like God is testing my self control and my faith. So far I’ve passed..
Dee, You are courageous and we are proud of you.
Another perspective besides God testing you; from my own experiences:
I will go through a phase when activities out of the norm begin to surface, usually more than one, to get my attention. When I step back, I am reminded that the world is more than we can see. And all of my life events aren’t just about me. There are much bigger things going on, good and bad, than I could ever imagine. If I am struggling, it probably isn’t the time for God to try to teach me a lesson. Rather, I am reminded that even in this very big world, God is keeping a very careful watch over me. God knew you would see this man, God upheld you, God tells you to let your mind be still. Just rest and continue on.
Thank you for sharing these very difficult moments with us.
Thank you Carol I didn’t even think of it like that. I’m glad for your input because the last few days I’ve felt God’s silence and I felt he wasn’t hearing me but you’re right God is watching over me and all of us during this trial and he will see us all through. Thank You and God Bless.
Driving past your ex’s place is like swimming next to a riptide. Way too risky. Remember, the person you long to contact doesn’t exist. The road through a painful ending is long and hard, but it leads to new beginnings. Don’t throw in. Keep going.
Yours is a very honest comment about swimming next to a rip tide. The word ‘fear’ comes to mind. Fear is a very strong, driving force for women. God created us with a longing for security. Ultimately, God’s desire is for us to find our security in him. But we have basic needs that, for some women, have been met by an abuser. Stepping away from evil is to step into the unknown. There is often fear in the unknown, especially when a woman’s confidence has been so eroded. Herein lies the desire to return to the familiar, the abuse. While in reality it is not true, it actually feels safer to swim next to a riptide than to step into the unknown.
Our only hope is to cling to the truth that God will never leave us or forsake us. If only we knew what that is going to look like in our future. May we all receive the gifts of hope and faith this Christmas season.
I didn’t drive past his house. We do live in the same town so I was bound to see him sooner or later and I did. But I didn’t intentionally drive by his house that’s a little stalkerish lol it just so happen we took the same road yesterday morning.
Yes, I am afraid. I’m lost without my abusers. Along with them, my confidence has disappeared. I had no idea. Thanks for this, Carol.
Oh, Dee, I’m so sorry I misunderstood. I made an assumption based on my own history. Driving past an ex’s house was something I used to do.
How upsetting it was for you to happen on your ex unexpectedly as you were on your way to work. You showed tremendous restraint by maintaining no contact and going about your day.
I hope you have a good day today.
I try to avoid him at all cost but it was so weird to see him for the first time in months. It’s hard but God’s will not mine
I broke no contact with my ex after a month and I feel so dumb. He proceeded to tell me he’s finally accepted Christ as his savior is going to church and is in love with someone else and it’s meant to be. He told me he never loved me and that God never wanted us to be together and that I need to just get over it and move on because he’s not coming back. He was so cold, unempathic and nasty to me. He had no compassion for the pain he caused me or the slap in the face it all was to me. He made me question my faith. I prayed to God for so long that he would be saved and here he is telling me he is and I’m basically was never anything to him. I feel so stupid for even contacting him and taking the bait he set. Maybe I am in denial and maybe he is saved and God decided not to heal us. In angry and confused and hurt. Although I don’t believe anything he says, maybe it is all true. I’m deeply sadden and depressed. I feel like God failed me, just slapped me in the face. I prayed for this to happen abe he’s with another girl and happy and I’m here alone and suffering while I did nothing wrong. Where is God? Why does he seen so distant? Why has he allowed somebody so evil and cold as my ex to find happiness and love and I’m still here suffering? I don’t know who or what to believe in. I just feel like giving up hope on everything. I’m so dumb for breaking no contact. I just thought finally God was making away and it turns out he healed him and gave him to someone else and I’m here wallowing in grief. I don’t know what to believe but I just give up. My heart is so heavy and again he’s hurt me so badly never even apologized for what he’s done but he’s not acting ungodly and I need to be happy for him and move on. What a slap in the face. 😢😢😢😢😢
Oh, no no no!! God did not slap you in the face!!! God loves you so very much and He understands your pain!
The very fact that your N set the bait should tell you that his man just wanted to hurt you one more time. He has NOT changed!! He deliberately chose the very thing that he knew you wanted in order to hurt you — he knows you wanted him to become a Christian. The reason you hurt so much is because this man’s aim is so good!! He knew your weak spot.
My ex-husband pulled the exact same stunt — and when I didn’t jump at the bait fast enough, the nastiness began all over again.
God did NOT heal your N of his disorder. God is NOT happy that you are hurting.
Your ex-N didn’t like it one bit when you walked away– what he just did is turn the tables so that YOU would believe (and he would believe) that HE chose the break-off. His ego, you know.
God has better plans for you that having someone in your life that messes with your head.
Please see it for what it is — it’s a power trip your N is taking.
Oh — I cut off my in-laws 7 years ago. Last year I received an email from my former sister-in-law wherein she stated that she wants nothing to do with me!! LOL Took her six years, but eventually she had to pretend that SHE was the one who chose the cut-off.
I let her believe whatever she wanted.
Remember — God IS love. Perfect love. He did not pull a fast one on you and give this man to anyone. What this guy is doing just proves that YOU did the right thing.
Hang in there. Lean on God. Let Him comfort you.
Kathy I just don’t know what the hell to believe and the fact that he has me questioning my faith hurts so much. He told me he’s been saved and all this crap but was still so cold and nasty to me. It’s unsettling and I’m not going to lie I’m so confused by God. Could this all be true? I’ve suffered so much I can’t see God hurting me this way after countless prayers. I should’ve known better I feel so stupid and he just contradicts himself and lies so much. It’s insultung that he makes a mockery out of being saved. I feel kind of betrayed by God and that hurts because I put all my hope and trust in him and I can’t believe that he would save a man and give him away. I’m hurting deeply and confused I don’t know what to believe because I don’t believe my ex but at the same time I’m humble not to assume and maybe this really was God’s doing. But it hurts so bad 😢😢😢😢
Trust me…he’s playing with your heart…still. no same compassionate man would say those things to you. Even if it were true…they would not be so insensitive. I am prepared for the day my ex makes sure I know he’s with someone else….it will hurt and I will be tempted to wonder and ask all the questions you are asking…why not me? What ever you do…don’t let him know it’s affecting you thus way…that’s what he wants. Congratulate him and sound happy!
Ps…actually you should say….”hey, is that the sound of nostalgia I hear in your voice?….awwww are you still hung up on me? you really need to try to get past that. ” whether I really feel that way of not…i’m turning the tables on mine! I’ll cry when and where he’ll never know about it!
I HAD TO REPLY! Prayers for you. I “relapsed” 5 times.Your post is very “telling” about his role in your life. After you read these replies try reading your own words again with a new perspective. He may be saved or not-I cannot say,that is God’s business. His words and actions show nothing more than yet another attempt to hurt and control YOU and put himself in the power position. He is using YOUR true emotions,YOUR faith against YOU.Will his behavior with the “new” woman last? Only time will tell.Yes, it’s hard to see the person who you cared for so much who hurt YOU badly “move on” so easily.I “pulled the plug” on the relationship,but it’s still tough.GOD DID NOT FAIL YOU HE NEVER WILL.If he is truly saved it was not for YOU.If he is not saved YOU are better off.Temporarily hurting(getting over an N is definitely a long term process)is better than being with someone who will tear YOUR spirit down piece by piece.I still think of the good times.Have I got all the answers-NO-I have days when I remember those good times,but they came with far too high a price. I capitalize words in this reply for emphasis: to take away power from him (N) and give support to YOU. GOD HAS SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU.Hugs & prayers from “been there done that.”
Dee – just a quick comment that will help you re-focus on what is going on here; good vs. evil. If Satan can break you down and cause you to question your relationship with God then he has succeeded. Your N has not changed or he would have been kind…not hurtful by telling you all those things. God has not abandoned you. You must remember who is pushing your buttons–Satan. Hold tightly to the love God has for you and say good riddance to your N. If he has found someone else, she will only discover too soon that he delivered her a pack of lies too. The next time a thought occurs to you to make contact with the devil himself – run the other way…literally, RUN the other way back to Jesus. He is your protector of your mind, your heart, and your soul. God wants all things good in your life; that does not include your N. Peace to you!
It can be so very difficult to comprehend that a parent, a grandparent, a teacher, the lady next door can be EVIL. We want so badly to make then “see” and “understand” and we get frustrated because they seemingly don’t get it.
Oh, they get it just fine. This is the EVIL. They simply don’t care.
God has given us an extremely important gift — a gift that, in its giving, put God at risk for being rejected. A gift, in its giving, that could cause God to experience heartache and alienation from us. Yet He bestowed it anyway.
The supreme gift of FREE WILL.
If ANYBODY — A N Y B O D Y — teacher, parent, neighbor — tries to superimpose his or her will OVER your will in order to make you submit, that is a HUGE sin. God Himself does not violate your will.
If they do try to force their will on you, understand they are abusing God’s highest creation – YOU. You are higher than the angels. You have been adopted as sons and daughters.
Don’t let anyone try to convince you that YOU are not a good Christian because YOU will not allow him/her to be your god.
…I have come to a conclusion ….bottom line…ultimately….focusing on what’s wrong with my abuser will not fix ME….there is no law against being a Narcissist….I am responsible….I am responsible for who and what I allow into my life! Learning the truth a little late in life but it is still making me free….I am responsible for turning my back on my “gut”. I ignored the red flags and I remember every one of them!
Thank you all for your love and encouragement. You are all right, no saved man would be so rude and continue to lack empathy and compassion. I’m more angry at myself for making contact and it’s funny because he told me that he didn’t love me then in the same breathe said he didn’t love the new girl as much as he loved me. He contradicts himself so much and lies so much. If there even is a girlfriend who knows. I know his game and I know what he’s about I think the reason I got so upset is because he used the thing I wanted the most against me in a way that made me feel like I was wrong and bad that’s why God is “blessing” him and not me. And that’s actualky how I felt at that moment. I’m going to have a better day today and start all over again. I know I’m a good person and I know I gave him pure genuine love and for him to just try to quote scripture to me and tell me about my God was very insulting. It’s just all a game and I don’t think we should be making a mockery out of God and pretending. I can’t care about this guy anymore. I told him he was dead to me and he was a narc and then I ended the conversation. I will find true love I will be happy God just wanted me to see for myself and really walk away. No saved man would continue to hurt and annihalate somebody they hurt so badly. That’s why I do not believe he is saved. But I can’t care anymore I’ll never speak to him as long as I live he’s a very evil conniving person and I don’t care if he’s with someone else and has the life we planned it’s all for show. It’s all for an image. My question now is how do I capture any thought about him good or bad and get it out of my head? I don’t even want to think about this guy he just disgust me so much. I know it’s wrong to say but I hate him. He’s pure evil.
slvrgrl here….I meant to type “sane” not “same”. As for whether he’s saved?….not for us to judge. Lots of people’s journey to sanity is just beginning at salvation. He could be saved and still behave like a Neanderthal. Old behaviors and habits die hard. I once heard someone refer to a book they read called “How to Follow Jesus and Not Embarrass Him” or something to that effect…but that’s another story I guess. Hang in there Dee, newly saved people can also be influenced by Satan. I found when I got saved and still find with myself that the deeper my desire to please God, the more vulnerable I am to deception. I believe Satan targets newly saved souls for this very reason. Which is one of the reasons we see so much judging between Christians alone….also another story. Anyway, and Satan is still going to try to use your ex to get to you. And if Satan wants to get to you so badly it must be because God has something wonderful in store for you. The enemy comes against us the hardest just before a blessing. Keep your eyes on Jesus!!! When things get tough visualize yourself looking past all the garbage going on in your life and looking straight into the loving eyes of your savior.
I just feel so stupid and humiliated. It’s hard to not be angry and to think how can I give so much to someone pray to God for his salvation and for him to basically say thanks for leading me to God and Christ but I never loved you and I flund “the one”. 3 years of pain and turmoil and he walks away in love and saved and happy jolly while I’m here completely devastated. I prayed to God so much and I trusted in him. How can he let this happen? Why does my ex always come out shining and like the good guy and the people he hurt suffer so much. I’m really feeling betrayed by God. If he can save him and bless him after all he did and my ex still lacks empathy and compassion for the abuse then why am I suffering? I don’t mean to complain but I have been through hell with this man when will my hurt end? When am I going to be happy? How can God allow me to keep suffering? I’m angry and confused and I just really don’t know what to believe. I really just want to give up altogether. I just wish I never met this guy. You can be a complete jerk to people and then be reborn again and have a great life while the people you ruined are still hurting and he could careless. I hate him.
Why do you think he’s having a great life?…because he said so? He’s a liar…remember? Again…getting saved does not magically change these things in an instant. I understand your feelings totally. I struggle with the same feelings which is why I am determined to succeed with this no contact thing…there is no doubt in my mind if I spoke with him today…he would have me in a tailspin with the same types of comments…manipulations. Have you ever watched Joyce Meyer on TV or online. She has helped me a lot! Also, I just finished a book called “Psycopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths and other Toxic People” It was very helpful. You can buy this book on Kindle at Amazon. And you don’t have to have a Kindle…you can download the “Kindle App” free for your computer, or tablet and even your phone.
I do listen to Joyce Meyer a lot and was reading her book Battlefield of the Mund which I need to reread I nevef heard of that book though I will definitely purchase it. I guess I feel that way because he knows I’m suffering and he knows he can still control me. Damn it I was doing so great with no co tact. But I just need to trust God and not let his comments condemn me or feel like God doesn’t love me. I needed to break no contact I needed this closure. I think sometimes we just know what’s truth and what isn’t and I don’t think its denial but I just can’t believe a word my ex says! He’s told some pretty convincing lies and this I’m just not buying. Only time will tell but today is a new day and I’m going to get over this and through it. I know I can do it and I deserve better. My ex said I’m not the only woman that’ll love him unconditionally. So big headed and arrogant. He has entitlement issues. He knew I was moving on and doing good I should’ve known better than to take the bait. He knew what he was doing but I don’t feel bad for hoping in MY GOD. It’s a process but I will overcome and you’re right the devil wouldn’t fight me so hard if I wasn’t about to be blessed. I won’t let this ruin me any longer.
Good for you Dee!!!!! I also read Battlefield of the Mind…so helpful.
The woman who wrote Psychopath Free also has a website with the same name. She talks about “Triangulation”. So enlightening.
You know I prayed a prayer one day that was almost immediately answered. I believe that happens when we pray a prayer He has been waiting to hear us pray. After all the begging to God, “please change my circumstances…please change my ex…please do a miracle and fix him etc. etc. etc”. …one day I just broke down in tears and prayed…”please help me walk away from him.” That’s when things started to happen and I was lead to all this information on how these guys operate. I have been absorbing anything I can on this subject. The more I learn the more empowered I become. If I had only known all this years ago. It could have saved me a lot of heartache. But maybe I wouldn’t have been open to it like I am now. Everything happens in His perfect time. God Bless you and I will pray for you. Also I am asking for prayer if anyone is so inclined. Thank you! ❤
Thank you so much for the love and support I truly believe God has lead me to all of you and I’m feeling much better I know I need to stand strong and never give into those feelings again. I just need to look past the hurt and see the good in all of this. I still havey dignity and I have succeeded in a ton of things since leaving him. I may have been weak yesterday but I know that I have to only get stronger and fight this with the whole armor of God. He’s going to bless me. I been through worse Thant ex God got me through cancer God cured me of my fibroid tumors My cancer is in remission I have so many blessings and I won’t let the failure of this take away from the wonderful things God has done. He’s protecting me from something evil and one day I will see and I know God will bless me with a wonderful man a true man and I will see exactly why I had to go through this pain. Darkness always comes just before the joy and I will not let Satan or my ex condemn me or my hope and faith in My Lord because he has saved me. God Bless you all we are strong people and God will bless us all tremendously.
I’ve only read the introductory to Psychopath free and I’m ready excited and open to what I’m about to learn. Thank you so much all the support last night was bad but today is a new day and I will begin again. God is good happy holidays to you all and God Bless. 🙏❤️