It’s Narcissist Friday!
A backhanded (or left-handed) compliment is one that comes with its own slap. “That dress is amazing; it makes you look slim!”
A backwards compliment is much the same without the intent. “Your hair makes you look different, really cute!”
An unintended compliment is one that wasn’t meant to be a compliment at all. It may not have been meant as an insult either. It was probably just a statement or an action.
Narcissists do so much to pull people down. They criticize and insult and ignore and use. They say such cruel things and treat others like dirt. It doesn’t take long for some people to begin to believe the narcissist and think of themselves as inferior and unworthy.
But it might surprise you to realize that the narcissist gives you an unintended compliment every day. Whether he/she will admit it or not, you are important to the narcissist. You offer something the narcissist does not have. Now, stop and think about that for a moment.
When the narcissist saw you, he knew you were better than he was in some way. You could handle money. You could make good decisions. You had a good reputation. You had quality friendships. You had something he needed.
With you at his side, the narcissist looked presentable, successful, smart, worthy, or desirable. You were the trophy wife (or husband), the hard worker, the clear thinker, the kind friend. You helped the narcissist present his superior image to the world. Others thought more highly of him because of you.
Some of you know this. Some used to know this. Some don’t believe it could be true. If he thinks so highly of me, you say, why does he put me down all the time? Why does the narcissist seem so dedicated to discouraging and depersonalizing someone he/she admires?
Listen: they put others down because they admire them. The fact that the narcissist admires someone means that person is somehow better in the narcissist’s mind and people the narcissist sees as better are targets to be brought down. The superior person threatens the narcissist. The narcissist wants to be the superior one.
The narcissist needs quality people in order to look good. Yet, he cannot allow those quality people to show or believe their quality. He tries to steal their abilities and contributions to make them his own, so that he gets credit. Then he tries to control them by putting them down and discouraging them so they stay with him and look up to him. If the superior person can be made to look up to the narcissist, the narcissist is lifted even higher. All part of the plan.
This is true in all narcissistic relationships. It seems obvious that a narcissistic boss would try to attract quality employees and use their strengths, but then spend his time demeaning them and trivializing their contributions so they don’t look too good. The narcissistic parent will choose the most gifted child to abuse. Lifting that child up to serve the image, then slamming that child down to keep control.
And narcissists choose friends carefully. In fact, most narcissists don’t really have friends the way we think of friendship. They surround themselves with useful people. They don’t waste time with people who have nothing to offer.
So whatever narcissistic relationship you have endured, consider it an unintended compliment. In fact, take it further. Believe that you have value, serious value. You had something the narcissist didn’t have. Out of all the people the narcissist encountered, you were the best.
Now, I know that you think you must have been weak or broken, and the predator smelled opportunity. There was probably something that opened your heart to the manipulations and grooming of the narcissist. But that wasn’t why the narcissist found you. Narcissists do not choose people who are weak and broken. They have neither the interest nor the time. They have one mission—to present a superior image—and you offered something that furthered that mission. It had to be quality or the narcissist would have passed you by.
Of course you are discouraged in the narcissistic relationship. That’s the way it works. You are supposed to lose any self-esteem, any value of your abilities, any trust in your own decisions and actions. That’s so that you will stay under control. We all understand and we have all felt the same.
But the unintended compliment is still there. Grab onto it and embrace it. Tell yourself that you are still that person. You do have something to offer; not just to the narcissist, but to the world. You still are what the narcissist is not.
Be encouraged and affirmed!