It’s Narcissist Friday!
(I am aware that this blog continually attracts new readers. With somewhere around two hundred posts on narcissism and narcissistic relationships, it can be challenging for anyone to really use this material. The search function works very well, if you know what to ask for. Otherwise, we will all have to wait as the blog posts are sorted and categorized in preparation for a new (and exciting!) website. So for the next few weeks, I want to dig back into the archives to pull out some of the posts that seemed most helpful over the last few years. Please feel free to comment.)
A good friend wrote to me personally about my last blog post. The main thing I want to share here is his suggestion that those who must deal with narcissists should “spend lots of time with safe people in your life.” What a great thing to remember!
Safe people? Who are they? Some reading this will have difficulty thinking of anyone, or at least anyone they can spend real time with. Part of the problem many of us have suffered is making the assumption someone is safe only to find out later that the person used us or came back at us with an attack. Some of the people in whom we have trusted most have betrayed us most hurtfully. Self-protection dictates that we are very narrow in our definition of “safe.”
So let’s define safe people with some “off the top of the head” statements. See if you agree.
- A safe person is someone without a vested interest in the outcome, other than your welfare and happiness.
- A safe person is someone who is willing to let you make a mistake, even though he or she has shared concerns.
- A safe person is someone whom you respect, but for whom you don’t have to measure up.
- A safe person is someone who won’t remind you of things you have said or done just to manipulate you to do things his or her way.
- A safe person doesn’t care about your situation as much as he or she cares about you.
- A safe person is one who will tell you when they think you are full of %$#& and expect you to do the same for them someday.
- A safe person is willing for you to share what you want when you want; and you still enjoy time with each other no matter what has been shared.
- A safe person is someone who affirms you without using that affirmation to manipulate you.
- A safe person isn’t perfect and doesn’t expect you to be.
So could a family member be safe? Of course! In fact, you might find that he or she has been waiting for you to come. Could a non-Christian be safe? Sure, as long as you remember that there is a difference between you and there are limitations to your connection. Could someone of the opposite gender be safe? Yes, but the risks are obvious and serious. Actually you might be surprised at the person the Lord will use to help you. In fact, a safe person may already be near.
Where would you go to find such a person? Well, I would love to tell you to go to church and I believe that there are probably safe people there, but I know that church is part of the problem for many believers. So, perhaps an interest-based group from another church or an exercise group or school group. There are people who would love to have a friend who would care and would reciprocate in safe ways.
My suggestion is that you ask Jesus to send you someone. Keep your guard up. If this person is safe he or she will understand. Share only what you are led to share. Trust Jesus only, but let Him lead you to safe people.
And listen—if you blow it, don’t worry. The Lord knows the need of your heart. He knows both your desire for a safe person and your fear. When you are betrayed or hurt, go to Him. He is always safe.
Would love to read your comments!