Do Narcissists Hate?

It’s Narcissist Friday!   


(I am aware that this blog continually attracts new readers.  With somewhere around two hundred posts on narcissism and narcissistic relationships, it can be challenging for anyone to really use this material.  The search function works very well, if you know what to ask for.  Otherwise, we will all have to wait as the blog posts are sorted and categorized in preparation for a new (and exciting!) website.  So for the next few weeks, I want to dig back into the archives to pull out some of the posts that seemed most helpful over the last few years.  Please feel free to comment.)



One of the most puzzling aspects of narcissism for those who have to deal with narcissists is the strong negative feelings that seem to come almost out of nowhere.  Here’s a sample scenario:

At an office party with his wife…

Narcissist – Hi, Bob!  Good to see you!  How are things going after the accident?

Bob –  Great!  I should be back at work soon.

N – Good, because we have sure missed having you around.  It doesn’t run the same without you there.

Bob –  Thanks for saying that.  I really appreciate it.  (Bob walks away feeling good.)

After Bob leaves, N turns to his wife – I wish that guy would have been killed in that accident.  What a pain he is!  I could handle the office just fine without him around.

So, how can N just turn from seeming to be sincere in his kind words to Bob to such strong negative words to his wife?  Sometimes N does the same thing to his wife.  He praises her for something and then says something incredibly hurtful and cruel.  How does he switch so easily?

Part of the answer lies in how N sees people.  We have said before that, to the narcissist, people are either the means to an end (tools or toys) or obstacles in the way.  People are to be used.  If they are not useful, they are not important.  Those who appear to be friends or family or even lovers are still in the process of being used.  When they become less useful, they can be discarded.  If they are difficult to discard, they are seen as obstacles.

Extremely narcissistic people sometimes kill the obstacles in their lives, often with no more remorse than any of the rest of us would have from changing to a new grocery or throwing out a dying plant.  You have seen this on the news.  Narcissists have killed used lovers, unwanted children, even competitors.

Hatred, in its most basic sense, is being able to depersonalize others.  Whether through prejudice and bigotry or through an over-emphasized view of competition, the other person is seen as something other than a real person who has a right to live and be happy.  If the other is not a person, then there does not need to be any regard for feelings or rights or even life.

Perhaps the reason we think the narcissist loves himself so much is simply because of his surprising hatred for anyone else.  It is very difficult for the rest of us to think in his terms.  We may have people we don’t like and we may act in our own interests to the neglect of others, but for almost all of us there is an understanding that others are real and have value.


Filed under Narcissism, Relationship

5 responses to “Do Narcissists Hate?

  1. That’s a new thought for me. I mean, I knew they could be very hateful but I didn’t think that they could hate on a regular basis and now when I think about it, about my parents, for example, I think you are right – they do it constantly, like breathing.

    I also read this phrase “People are to be used” as “People are to be abused” as that’s what I personally know about Ns.

  2. George

    Proverbs 26:28
    New International Version (NIV)
    28 A lying tongue hates those it hurts,
    and a flattering mouth works ruin.
    I’m amazed how many verses in proverbs refer to narcissists

  3. Rachel

    My N husband, in a state of complete rage, told our children that he hated me but loved them. They are bright and sensible children and know that both of these things can’t be true at the same time. He still has no idea that saying these things to them is abusive and hurts them deeply, and he certainly is clueless to the fact that his words repel them and destroy any vestiges of relationship they may have had.

  4. UnForsaken

    This example is quite interesting, if for no other reason because I wouldn’t normally link the word “hate” to these actions. But hate truly is the root of what does come to mind: back stabbing, manipulation, slander, two-faced bias, pushing someone else down to feel bigger, and malevolence. Also, I’ve experienced this lately with my N as a form of long-term brainwashing, getting the ‘useful’ person to believe everything untrue about me.

    It is so terribly wrong when we hear people talking behind backs like this, but we hear it a lot and adjust to it. Why should they convey their ‘doubts’ to us? To get us on their side, and there isn’t even a war! But to them it is at least a game, one where they get more power from controlling our minds.

    A ” ..surprising hatred of anyone else.” Does this mean Ns are misanthropists, people who hates mankind? I’ve wondered that for sometime, especially since deciding that my N is a misogynist, someone who hates/dislikes woman. What could be more perfect revenge against womankind than to take several and put them completely in your power, forever frozen in a helpless childhood that is long past and claiming it’s their fault?! I believe that he is intimidated by woman and therefore feels they All have attacked Him! It took me until this year to figure out he actually hates us, and has centered his general hate in a personal, specific way.

    • AlonewithGod

      That is very interesting about revenge. It makes sense to me. My ex was very attached to his mother. When she died, his narcissism exploded and he was blatantly abusive. He told me several times that he did not like women. That if he had a choice he would live without women. Of course, he needed women (and still does) for his supply. I think he set out to destroy the women in his life through narcissistic, emotional, physical, financial, spiritual abuses. Yes, he was intimidated by us and our inner strength was superior to his. So it all backfired on him concerning me because he is slowly destroying himself and I am stronger than ever. Maybe he saw that he could never break me, and that is why he found a new woman to abuse. The sad side is that my adult daughter still has issues related to his emotional abuse. And she is a strong woman too!

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