It’s Narcissist Friday!
Is it okay to blame the abuser?
Christians who are abused are often hit with a triple whammy. We were raised to feel guilty for almost anything that happens in life. Abusers regularly make their victims feel like the abuse is the victim’s fault. But then the church comes along to tell the victim that their emotions and pain are somehow their own fault.
You may remember times when you were told not to blame someone else. You rode the bus to school and the bully took your homework and threw it out the window. You got in trouble for not handing in your homework. But when you tried to explain to the teacher or your parents, you were told not to blame someone else for your problems. You shouldn’t have sat by the bully, or you shouldn’t have put your homework where he could get it. Somehow, it was your fault. Eventually, you got the message. You began to look for your fault in every negative that came into your life.
Even as adults, we are often told that we are in charge of our feelings, that no one can make us feel anything unless we give that person permission. So, even if it is clear that the abuser did something wrong, the victim is still supposed to “handle things.” You know what I mean. We have the motivational people who tell us that blaming someone else for our troubles will hold us back, that we have to own the negative that comes into our lives. Get out of the blame game, they say.
Abusers know that some people are particularly susceptible to shaming. They do whatever they do, then they convince you it was your own fault. If you had listened better, you would have understood. If you had worked harder, you would not have lost your clients to your narcissist co-worker. If you hadn’t shown your willingness, he would not have abused you. The abuser gets off the hook by putting you on it.
Usually, when we talk about the church shaming the victim, we refer to those uncaring people who try to convince the rape or abuse victims that they wore the wrong clothes or were rebellious in some way. There are those who think that anything bad that happens to us is somehow our own fault. I just read a post where a pastor said that the victims of the Paris massacre were responsible for what happened to them because of the kind of concert they were attending. In other words, those who attend heavy metal concerts with occult connections should expect to be killed by terrorists. What nonsense!
I believe the heart does not do well with dishonesty. If I try to blame myself for what someone else did to me, I will become dysfunctional. I have no way to deal with what happened unless I acknowledge the truth. There is nothing wrong with blaming the narcissist for what the narcissist has done. That may simply be stating the truth. Your heart will find more peace when you can say that your narcissist did the deed he/she did.
Let me say it plainly: blame the offender. If someone abused you, blame that person. If someone ignored your cries for help, blame them for what they did. I realize that sounds wrong in many ways, but all I am saying is to tell the truth. You cannot move forward with a lie, even a lie to yourself.
I have talked about the military phrase, “Embrace the suck,” before. It means bad things happen, even to you. Now acknowledge the fact and use it to move forward. Pain, grief, loss, disrespect, abuse—these things happen. If someone is responsible, let them be responsible. But the negative is now part of your story. Use it to make something good happen. Instead of sitting around crying about what was done to you, get up and do something with your life. Use your anger to do well in school or business. Use your sadness to have compassion for others. Use your pain to remind you to value the good things you have.
At the same time, own the solution. You are not responsible for what happened to you, but you are responsible for what happens now. Don’t live your days waiting for the abuser to make things right. It isn’t going to happen. Abusers rarely acknowledge their own sin. Even if they did, they still can’t undo what they did. Don’t expect others to make it right. They cannot take away your pain, nor most of your struggle. They can’t rebuild your life for you. You are the one who will have to move forward.
Don’t let blame be the end. I think blame can be the beginning. Once that is out of the way, you are free to decide what you are going to do about what happened.
Blame the offender – that’s honesty
Embrace the pain – that’s reality
Own the solution – that’s your future.
Along the way, trust in the Lord who loves you. He knows the truth. He said that truth was the way to freedom. He does not expect you to blame yourself for the bad things that are done to you by others. He does want good for your life. Let Him take you forward, to those new things He has waiting for you.