What you should do…

It’s Narcissist Friday!   

 

I have often found that people who have never experienced a certain challenge find it easy to offer advice and criticism.  Like sofa quarterbacks and back seat drivers, they assess the situation from the outside and think the answer is easy.  These same people usually don’t have such easy answers when they face trouble.

From the safety of their comfortable chairs, people yell at football players and other sports people.  They criticize newscasters, politicians, soldiers, law enforcement officers, and fictional people on the television.  They have the answers for the team, for the government, for the business, for everyone.

And, let’s face it, sometimes the answers are easier from the spectator’s position.  Why didn’t the quarterback throw the ball to the receiver who was wide open?  It was plain to see, from the perspective of the aerial cameras in the instant replay.  The criticism is correct, but ridiculous at the same time.

So there you are, hurting from yet another encounter with the narcissist in your life, and your friend says, “Why didn’t you say xyz?”  or “Why didn’t you do this?”  And you wonder the same thing.

You see, the answers are often simple, much simpler than the process of getting to the answer.  Yes, you should have talked to the boss when the narcissist began his abuse.  Yes, you should have distanced yourself from your parent when you had the chance.  Yes, you should have never married that guy in the first place.  Yes, you should have listened to the warnings.  Yes, you should have cut off that friendship years ago.  Yes, yes, yes……

And now you feel stupid and guilty.  You know you made the wrong decision.  You already blame yourself, for then and for now.  You can see it now as plainly as the critic can see it.  But that doesn’t really help, does it?  Blaming yourself for making a mistake doesn’t move you forward.

The reality of the situation is very different from that seen by the observer.  Whenever I am tempted to criticize the quarterback, I stop and think about those 300 lb men running at him to hurt him.  In the pressure of that moment, he is supposed to see things on the field and around him at the same time.  He is supposed to make quick changes to his plans and, at the same time, try not to get hurt.  He is supposed to throw a ball that will be in the exact place necessary when the receiver dodges his opponents and is ready to catch it.  And he is supposed to do it in about five seconds, if he has that long.

The people who offer simplistic answers in your situation are not in your situation.  They are not experiencing what you are.  They don’t know the pressures, the pain, the fear, the worry you are feeling.  Their simple answers might be right from the outside, but nearly impossible from the inside.

So give yourself a break.  Don’t expect that the situation should change as easily as the critics believe.  Those who have not experienced a narcissistic relationship really have little understanding of the manipulation and control of the narcissist.  Those who have been through similar relationships should know better than to offer simple answers.  You do not need to feel guilty just because they think your way out seems easy.

I would guess that most of the simple answers for narcissistic relationships center around you standing up for yourself and forcing the changes.  “You shouldn’t take that!”  “You should speak up and tell her what you think.”  “You should just walk out.”  In other words, you should be strong enough to deal with this person.  Why aren’t you”

Let me remind you of some things, things that others might not understand.

 

  1. It is probably not in your nature to confront people, cut people out of your life, tell people off, or even to stand up for yourself.  You were not taught to do that, and you dislike conflict in general.  You care about other people and want them to care about you.  That’s why the narcissist chose you.  You did not present a risk to the control the narcissist would need.
  2. You may have been already weak when the narcissist found you. Pain from a previous relationship, abuse by parents, feelings of loneliness or isolation or inferiority.  Narcissists are predators.  They can tell when a person is vulnerable.  What you may be understanding only now is that the narcissist did nothing to build you up and become healthy and strong again.  Instead, you have been kept in your weakened condition.
  3. You have almost certainly been compromised along the way. Many people don’t see the narcissistic relationship for what it is until it’s too late.  The narcissist has been preparing for a confrontation since the beginning.  He/she already has your words or actions to use against you.  Or the narcissist has managed to cultivate your sympathy.  You will feel bad if you try to confront.
  4. You may feel threatened. Narcissists threaten openly.  They withhold things you need or take away things you want or do things you fear.  Some will share your secrets with others.  A spouse may threaten to keep the kids and kick you out.  Narcissists are very good at separating you from support, money, opportunity, and almost anything else you need to act on a decision.  Acting alone and without resources can be terrifying.  Narcissistic threats are real and common.

 

People outside your relationship rarely see the picture you see.  They don’t feel what you feel.  They offer what makes sense to them from the outside.  Yes, they should know better, but their motivation might still be good.  Sometimes the answer really is that easy.  It’s just that getting to that point is hard.

And, please, don’t blame yourself if you are struggling in the conditions listed above.  Life is what is it.  All you can do is start today to see the truth and find the freedom promised.  Build your strength little by little.  Pray for guidance and listen.  Do what you can to move forward today.

The quarterback in the game can’t worry about what others think he should have done.  He can only do what he can do in the moment.  Sometimes he will make mistakes.  But he has to move forward to the next play.  His concern is the game, not the play.

Your concern is not what you should have said or done, but how you will become healthy and reclaim your identity and feel good about yourself again.  Those who can do that win the game.

45 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

45 responses to “What you should do…

  1. C S

    He’s been with the girl he cheated on me with and left me for, for almost 2 years. Logically, I just can’t understand how someone who was cheating, lying, calling me names like c— and p—y is making someone else happy. Doesn’t make any sense. Most days I’m fine, some days I just want some justice I guess.

    • C, if I catch it, I will usually try to remove full names from comments. Sometimes people don’t realize they don’t have to give their name. If you wanted your full name, let me know and I will add it back.

      As for your comment, that stage will almost certainly come into the new relationship. It may take longer because he doesn’t have everything he wants from her yet. He still has to play the game. And sometimes the N connects with a person who is able to manipulate him, so the battle lasts longer. When he is ready to move on, it will come.

      I wrote a post on justice a few weeks ago, and you might find it helpful. I think we all understand those feelings.

    • noel6119

      He probably did like my nxh did, he didn’t tell the truth or only told part of the truth (lying by omission). They have been married over 8 years now. I found it interesting that he stayed at their winter home while she flew to their other home that is near both their children to spend about a month at Christmas time. His birthday is also a couple days before Christmas. So that means he spent his birthday and Christmas alone? Yeah right!

  2. Laurie

    I might add that building up the confidence to offer a rebuttal to a narcissist takes time. I became a shell of a person & was only able to withstand the passive aggressive meanness of my narc when the behavior became so outrageous, it gave me the confidence to tell on him & try get some help. I then was able to try work on myself physically & emotionally, but had to drop some of the “spiritual” things after a lifetime of religious manipulation. My narc is actually a little frightened for himself right now since he doesn’t want to lose his family, & is more careful in his behavior.

    • So right! It takes time and, during that time, the narcissist continues to weave his/her web. Be patient with yourself…

    • noel6119

      Xnh didn’t want to lose his family either, and he always had done things with all of us. He didn’t know how to communicate with them though because he always relied on me to think up and plan everything. Therefore, his contact with his children and his grandchildren has shrunk to about two times a year.

  3. Savedbygrace

    Those who have not experienced a narcissistic relationship really have little understanding of the manipulation and control of the narcissist.

    This is so true – I find your post this week so validating Dave- the fog of abuse is so thick, for me these words have helped clear the air that much more. I have suffered secondary abuse by others who do not understand and offer their ‘insights’ and pronouncements on what would have, could have, should have been! I have struggled to understand and accept how I could have ‘let’ things happen. In particular I have not been able to find a place for how God has made me -my caring nature has been pathologised …this week you’ve helped me gain a clearer perspective… I think I can be more understanding of myself .. and what Ive been through in what has been a complex and destructive relationship with my N husband.
    Thankyou for blessing me with these words- they help me heal.

    • Rachel

      Savedbygrace, Yes, such a good turn of phrase, ” secondary abuse”! I have never heard that but it is spot on!
      I have been struggling with the secondary abuse over the Christmas period, family members who have received a “round robin” from my N husband and who “don’t want to get involved” but have still read his self defence, which must affect their thoughts about me, a friend who also received his letter and who phoned (again!) to say she “doesn’t know who to believe” ( again!).
      All so much more trying than the original abuse, I think.
      Blessings to you.

      • noel6119

        Give them time. They will eventually see his life become a mess again. Just keep your head up and don’t give up. Think about what you might have done if you had never met him.

  4. Tee3

    I’ve begun to stand up to and talk back to my N husband. I’ve noticed that he’s backed off a little. Now our oldest son is the object of his cruelty. Last week, my son told me he doesn’t know how to express himself when his dad verbally and emtionally abuses him.
    Thank you so much, Pst Dave, for this post. I forwarded it to him. I forwarded many other posts from here to him.
    I wonder if there’s a Christian blog like this for ACONs?

  5. Thank you another helpful post, Dave. I think this explains why there are some friends that I’m hesitant to share my story with. I can sense that I’ll probably get either the “Why Would You Let Him Do That To You” or “Why Don’t You Just Leave” response. I am thankful that I do have some friends to share with and try to stress to them that I’m not looking for answers from them, but that I appreciate that they listen.

    • Rachel

      Hi 2720cynthia, it’s the “just” part of “why don’t/didn’t you just leave” which really gets me. As if we may think, ” hmmm, yes, I never thought of it like that, I should “just ” have left! ” .
      I think even worse is ” I would never let anyone treat me like that, the first time they hit me/ called me names/did such and such, I would have gone. ”
      I say “would you.? Do you really think you would have done that.”

      That makes people rethink.

  6. Kay

    Oh my goodness! You have so touched my heart today! I grew up in a dysfunctional family (NM). I married a man 26 years ago who treats me even worse than my N Mom did. I read a book about verbal abuse and realized what was going on- sad that for 52 years I was accepting the awful behavior as normal because it was all I knew. I asked for a divorce, then just separation to see if he can get well. I get told by Christian friends that I am wrong–should be meek and mild spirit. What do they think I have been doing for 26 years. Ughhhhhh!

    • That’s what I’ve gotten, also, Kay. Nobody said that I should leave but that I should “forgive” them. I say, forgive them for the abuse yesterday or forgive them for the abuse I will get tomorrow? Which? For how long should I keep forgiving them until I should leave?

      • Still Reforming

        michellell2015,
        Your comment reminds me of a conversation I had with the pastor of my former church, just when things were at their worst in my marriage. The pastor said I should “seek Jesus to learn about forgiveness,” to which I replied that I actually had done so. I said that I didn’t know if I was to forgive my then husband if he raped our daughter in the future and if he chopped me up into little bits. The pastor’s reply was, “Sometimes you think too much.”

      • noel6119

        It’s hard to forgive when there is no remorse.

      • Kathy

        I often think of what a pastor told me a long time ago — Jesus DID say to turn the other cheek, but Jesus NEVER SAID to go put your cheek where you know it will be slapped.

      • Haha! I’ll have to remember that one.

    • Dear Kay, it’s busy-body people like that who are a major reason why people avoid coming to church and hearing the Gospel. These judgmental jerks spewing that garbage AT you are truely sickening. Oh, they’re the worst! Yes i know the Lord can heal relationships, but the Lord is not bound by our preferences. So maybe, just maybe, grandma had cause to raise her babies by herself – and i can only imagine what the noseys were saying about her. This resonates because i’ve seen how “church” women treat struggling saints. i have to wonder if my daddy saw this happen to his mamma, and so walked away from the things of God, and from what i can gather, never returned. So where’s my daddy, i don’t know.

  7. Thank you Pastor Orrison for writing. I love reading my weekly “letters from home” as you truly understand our lives. I discovered Narcissism and your letters 14-months ago when, after 54 years of life, I finally learned of the personality disorder that made immediate sense of my poor relationships with narcissistic parents, in-laws, siblings, ex-husband, present husband and eldest daughter (now married and out of a relationship with me the past 11 years by her choice not mine). Life with these people was bewildering especially because I’m a go-getter and overcomer (a healthy, competent trait that draws narcissists). What a comfort it has been to have you explain the life application side of this scourge. Prior to learning about narcissism there were only repeated patterns of despair. But I spent the past year not focusing on narcissists but building MY life with friends, support systems and small groups at church who teach Drs. Cloud and Townsend material on healthy relationships. I still haven’t found a narcissist recovery group but I lead a Cloud and Townsend women’s support group of my own. I love my life! My new MO’s are leaving family gatherings when the narcissism creeps in, what a joy to not be inflicted anymore. Peace can be as a quick as a phone click! (Drats, those bad cell phone connections in hilly California… Smile, Laughing. Hasta la Vista, Baby…!)

    My newest “trick” for peace with an in-house narcissist is telling the person I’m having difficulty with that before I respond I will ask for their motive, to understand why they are saying what they are saying. That makes them completely responsible for coming up with something “kind” because they’re definitely not going to admit to a bad motive. At least with my borderline “5 symptom” spouse this has curbed the ugly conversations I use to grieve over. Since he knows I’ve changed my pattern of response, I know he’s thinking that if he shares something that appears mean he’s going to have to back it up with the motive so that makes him not say it. Maybe in time it will be seen as a cure, or at least a stop to getting me upset. The remaining lack of ability to reach out, connect, empathize, be mature…that’s all a sad loss right now,. But thank God for friends so I don’t have to miss out. And thank God for you, Pastor Orrison, coming alongside us like Jesus in the flesh helping us navigate this journey. Bless you always and thank you for your ministry to me during these past 14-months of amazing, life-changing growth and “grace for my heart”.

    • Bruised Reed

      “Peace can be as quick as a phone click!”

      Sometimes… 😉 Or as simple as not answering when you know they’re just looking to start a fight.

    • noel6119

      You are certainly a survivor! I did not find out about character disorders until the very end. I did practice not responding the last week or so. He was deflated that he couldn’t get a rise out of me.

  8. Still Reforming

    Pastor Dave, You have truly provided grace for my heart this day. I have been right in this place of which you speak, feeling like I don’t deserve good things. This was a second failed marriage (even though it lasted 20+ years and was doomed from the beginning, though I knew it not). I have been kicking myself around for a little bit now, lamenting how even though I didn’t destroy the marriage, I don’t deserve another chance at happiness, etc. Your post has really been balm to this wounded soul. Thank you.

  9. healingInHim

    Pastor Dave, Thank you for stating it so clearly. I believe many mean well when they make their suggestions but MANY are just plain cruel as to what I should have done, etc.
    Presently, weary and worn but slowly healing and preparing for what lies ahead. Coming out of the fog is more tiring and taking longer than anticipated.
    Hugs and prayers for everyone … your comments are very precious.

  10. Bruised Reed

    Thanks for another guilt-cancelling, thought provoking post, Pastor Dave. This blog has truly become a lifeline to me as I navigate through the fog of my N-infested past!

    I, too, have recently dealt with someone chewing me out for how I (and my spouse) chose to handle my mother’s bout of N-drama before our wedding. In the past, my brother has stood with me in dealing with my mom’s tantrums and unreasonable demands, but this time, he turned against me while defending her abuse of both my sister and me. It stung, and I don’t understand what caused the change. I suspect that he is either becoming more like her (he’s becoming more and more abusive toward my nephew), or that she has found something to hold over him as blackmail (he was the “golden child” for a while), or a combination of the two. Either way, it’s confusing and disappointing, especially since he grew up under the same black cloud that I did. It’s easy for me to understand why my parents wanted to re-assert their control over me, but I don’t understand how my brother would benefit from pushing me back into a “doormat” position. :sigh: I’m just glad to know I don’t have to feel guilty for standing up to them!

  11. I disagree with this article, because I am grateful for every single person (family, friends, social workers, women’s aid workers, Police, people in an online support group) who told me time and time again that I should end the relationship with the ex. He was extremely violent, and by the end, after 5 years, I was permanently dissociated (I know that now), was walking around in a daze. At the same time, I wouldn’t prosecute him for the violence, and it was people like my boss who reported it. I wouldn’t leave him, and when my sister pressed me, I tried to explain to her why – how it was all I could do to get through each day. She summed it up – ‘so you won’t leave him because it’s too much effort?’ Hearing that jolted me to the realisation of what my life had become. I didn’t end it then, but I did end it shortly afterwards, and prosecuted him for his violence and then his stalking, so he ended up in prison. I am glad those people didn’t stop pushing me, glad they kept on giving me the ‘aerial view’, glad I had my sister, glad I had Police who sat for hours persuading me to prosecute because they didn’t want to ‘one day be taking you out of here in a box’. I’m grateful for everyone who spoke their truth and kept on speaking it – otherwise I may have thought it was ok to stay, I may have thought that behaviour was normal and I may not have finally felt like it was easier to end it and just shut everyone the hell up! 🙂 Yes, they pressured me, and I am eternally grateful they did.

    • noel6119

      I believe we were talking about those that don’t get it and don’t understand what we are going through and try to dismiss our situation. God bless those that kept up with you and helped you realize the situation that you were in. I am so thankful that you are away from him and he is locked up.

    • Yes, we are thankful for the truth presented by supportive people in our lives. But it took five years for you to act, and you acted much faster than many. My point in the post is that no one should feel guilty or shamed by not moving on the simple advice others give. Some are wrong in their advice; others are spot on. Yet, it is often difficult to act in the middle of the situation. Too much weakness and too many compromises. We may well need that pushing from good friends, but we also have to understand that it takes time to gather the strength or to see the situation plainly enough to do what it takes. It is good when people on the outside understand how hard it is to act and especially good when they continue to be supportive while waiting.

      Thanks for the comment!

  12. Tee3

    Thanks Noel6119 and Michellell2015. God bless.

  13. Jenny

    I am curious about how to respond to judges and lawyers who make the “well you married him” comment. I fully realize they are blaming the victim by their statements but it’s not as if I can just tell the judge in my custody case that!

  14. Object of Contempt

    What astonishes me is that it is so difficult to get good, strong advice from the counselors and elders I’ve spoken to. The current Christian culture seems to have fairly well blinded itself, not only to issues of emotional abuse, but true compassion in general. The last church I relied on for help seems to think they are knowledgeable about these things, but were clearly biased against me from the get-go. I have no friends or support, and my search for a friend — just someone who will validate me — was seen as evidence against me. Simply looking at the two of us, it is pretty clear that one of us is hurting spiritually and emotionally. And, since she shows no remorse or concern for my pain at all, and since I am a man, her pout and martyr act are believed out-of-hand.

    Others tell me that I can’t change her emotions, and focus on me as if I am the problem. I *can’t* make her love me, but people affect each other’s emotions all the time. How hard is it for a counselor to say, “this man is your husband, and how is it you don’t even care if he is happy or hurting?” I’m tired of the “marriage is to make you holy, not happy” ridiculousness. Life affords plenty of suffering and opportunity to learn holiness. Marriage vows clearly describe an arrangement that is intended to bring happiness, peace, loyalty, pleasure, safety, and a measure of rest in a hostile world. Ignoring the misery that one person foists on another, and pretending that this marriage should just be a resigned trudging towards ascetic holiness, well, that’s just a way of saying that the victim’s suffering doesn’t matter. I’m pretty sure the counselors who have pushed that at me have not seen this kind of suffering, and wouldn’t treat emotional abuse in *their* marriage as an “opportunity for growth.”

    I have been told that if I were a good husband, and loved her as Christ loved the church, that she would automatically desire to submit. I think your view on submission is different from mine, but I have not been (and don’t want to be) commanding. Mostly, I just want us to be loyal, loving, and working together toward the same goal. All that aside, the assertion that a loving husband creates a submissive wife is ridiculous. Is it easier? It would seem so. But let’s remember that Eve had never even witnessed sin, and had spoken with God, but she still suspected God of lying. And *we* have sin natures. I have not been without sin, but I didn’t cause the manipulation and gaslighting in her.

    I can’t tell you how many times I have been told to forgive automatically. I have been defrauded of any real emotional connection from the very beginning. I would get crumbs, but that is it. As time went on, in-laws became more intrusive, but they were excused while I was devalued and undermined. I eventually began to defend boundaries. This wasn’t popular with anyone. My wife began to help people infer that I was abusive and cutting her off from her family. She told a past church that she was afraid to go home with me (I have never even joked about hitting her). So, when I ask for repentance, I don’t think it is mean or unloving at all. The last church we were in not only wanted my unconditional, automatic forgiveness, but thought I was particularly hateful for insisting on repentance first. I was actually told that I can’t ask for repentance because I’m not God. I had recently been told that we (in the congregation) aren’t Jesus and so anger is beyond us.

    One of the groups that was actually trained to counsel had me read some books about marriage. They start off sounding reasonable, but they slowly reframe the situation so that the reader will realize his depravity only allows self-examination, and that no one really *needs* love. It’s just a really strong desire.

    Why is it so hard to find Christian counselors that are trustworthy with the Word and with the hurting people who come for help? The people around us who don’t know what this is really like, I can understand. The people who should know better. .. I don’t understand that.

    • Kathy

      It is hard for them — they want the easy way out AND they want to be “spiritual” and “godly” — so out of their mouths come “YOU have to forgive” and “YOU have to lay down your life.” That is so much easier, and sounds so more godly, than having to deal with confrontation, deal with evil, deal with repentance. THAT is hard. THAT sounds so “ungodly.”
      Heaven forbid real work would be done.
      I am so very, very sorry for your pain.

    • Mark

      I disagreed really strongly with a video lecture in my church, and when I realized WHY, it was this exact reason. The lecture said that anger comes out of idolatry. When we put ourselves first and someone else doesn’t treat us like God, we get angry.

      Well, that may be ONE reason we get angry, but another reason is that part of our being human is being deserving of respect, and people who disrespect us are treating us less than human. Why shouldn’t we be angry?

      But, this is where it comes to victim blaming. We aren’t going to seek justice for a wrong unless we are angry enough to be motivated about doing something. When we walk into the court, pastor/elder’s office, etc., the first paragraph seems glaringly obvious. Somehow we’re supposed to appear before this person as the image of peace, but no, we’re ANGRY. At that point, the listener labels us as a sinner and now they are trying to figure out what sin we committed to cause the behavior in the other person, as in, we’re angry simply because we didn’t get our way.

      I got angry at the lecturer and actually ranted in class about how wrong he was. After class I got attacked by the pastor and an elder whose ultimate conclusion was that anger was sinful. Well, it was okay for Jesus, but no one else has any right to be angry. At that point, I lost all my desire to attend, and four weeks later I was in a different church.

      • I got angry every time someone went on a smear campaign about me, and it wasn’t because they weren’t treating me like God. It was because they were spreading lies and others were believing them. This definition that your lecturer has given is very twisted.

  15. Mark

    I think the definition the lecturer gave is pretty much par for the course in many churches. The lecturer was a well-published author who also recorded conferences for churches to study for classes.

    On top of the “anger” perspective, there is also a “peace breaker” perspective. Everything is going along well until someone complains. If you’ve seen any of the controversy surrounding Bill Gothard, a lot of the pro-Gothard forces are saying these people are single-handedly destroying this wonderful ministry. Well, that’s the “peace breaker” perspective. The truth is that Gothard’s sexual molestation destroyed the ministry and it took brave women to stand up despite knowing they would get shamed.

    • Oh yes, the church of *NICE.* Hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil. Somehow we have to get back to reality ’cause there’s a lot of evil going on around us.

      • Mark

        Nice, until you say something that calls the leaders or what they believe into question and then it’s not so nice. And since no one talks, you have no idea who would stand behind you if you challenged something, which seems to be exactly what the leadership wants.

  16. What I mean by *nice* is that if you’ve challenged the leaders, then YOU are not being nice (in their eyes not mine.) *Nice* is the idol that all must worship. I hope for you, Mark, that you find a truthful leader in your new church. Someone like Pastor Dave, perhaps.

    • Mark

      Yes, I understood what you meant. My old church had three idols – authority, doctrine and external righteousness(niceness was a strong part of this). Each was more important than the next. Doctrine and niceness went out the window when the superiority of leadership was questioned. Niceness was unnecessary for those who disagreed doctrinally.

      I had a friend who challenged the local leadership to the higher levels of government. Doctrine, due process and niceness went out the window and the collective leaders went out of their way to smear him.

      But, yes, I found a great church and have a great relationship with the pastor, who didn’t go ballistic when I had some constructive criticism. In fact, they changed some things based on input from me and others who had similar experiences. First time even that my “criticism” wasn’t taken as an attack on the leadership. My old church would have put me in my place and then doubled down on whatever “issue” I had. Even if they made the change it would be because “Mark whined about something”.

      • Wow, Mark … I desire a church like what you have now; open to questions and or a desire to know why they do what they do if it can be proven to be false doctrine.
        Oh, I get invitations to “come to church” but that’s just it. They want me to come and “remain quiet”. Spiritual abuse was what added to the abuse within the marriage because in my case; men were the leaders (period) no questions allowed.
        Mark, please don’t stop making the church accountable … The man I married just ‘wanted to get along’ and now doesn’t want to be my husband; will not discuss his spiritual outlook but has in many ways renounced true Christianity with his behaviour.

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