“I don’t want to be a narcissist!”

It’s Narcissist Friday!    

More and more I get emails and comments from people who have diagnosed themselves to be narcissists and want help. When I have written back to these folks, I get no further response. To be fair, I find it hard to be sympathetic, and I don’t answer with sympathy. Most of those who write either have an agenda or blame someone else. In the past, I have spent many hours trying to work through the narcissism with people; but I don’t do that anymore.

So who writes to me? Well, there are some who are in trouble. They are losing their families and/or their marriages. They want to do whatever it will take to fix the problem. Someone has told them they are narcissists, and they think a little counseling will take care of things. When I tell them not to try to fix their marriages or their situation, but to spend time (lots of time) and energy (serious energy) on changing themselves, I don’t hear any more. I told one man that he should let his wife leave and give her a generous settlement, if he really feels that he is responsible. Never heard back.

When a narcissist is in trouble, he/she will seem to be very repentant, very accommodating, very willing to do whatever it takes to fix things. But they have no understanding of what they have done. They cannot identify with the pain they have caused. Eventually, if the apparent groveling doesn’t work, they will begin to say things like: “Well what more do you expect of me? I said I was sorry. I am trying to change.” But the victim knows (and the counselor should know) that nothing has changed. A game is being played.

Then there are those who claim to be narcissists, but are ready to blame others. I actually think this is a twist on the first group. Someone has held them accountable for their behavior. They are willing to admit that the behavior is hurtful, but lay the cause on someone else. It was mom’s fault, or the cruel spouse, or the other children at school. “Sure, I’m a narcissist, but I can’t help it. I’m a victim here. If so-and-so hadn’t done what he/she did, then I wouldn’t be this way.” Again, there is little to do for someone who won’t own their behavior.

There are also some who feel guilty for having hurt someone else. They have become aware of narcissism and think it describes them. Because of their guilt, they quickly assume that they are narcissists. Most of the time I doubt that they are actually narcissists, but most of these folks are so convinced of their guilt that they don’t want to hear anything to the contrary.

Sometimes, of course, I am able to assure someone that pain and fear will lead most of us to narcissistic behaviors and that we will thereby hurt others. There are ways to apologize and claim ownership of that behavior with true regret. That behavior can be changed when it is seen as hurtful by those who don’t really want to hurt others. There is a difference between being a narcissist and exhibiting behavior that narcissists also exhibit.

Then there are those who have taken a test. They read a magazine and found a list of characteristics and decided that some of those characteristics are true of them. But that really doesn’t bother them. In fact, they become a little belligerent, ready to accept the challenge. They waver between proud and defensive, but not regretful. They say to themselves, “Well if that’s what a narcissist is, I guess narcissism isn’t so bad.” Then they write emails and comments to challenge victims to “stop their whining.” They want us to be sympathetic toward them, even though they don’t really regret what they do.

So I have little to offer those who contact me and claim to be narcissists. I want simply to tell them to stop it. I can’t bring them to the brokenness they will need to see what they have done. I can’t make them feel the pain their victims have felt. The only thing I can do for them is pray. God can bring the narcissist to the end of himself.

I am not saying there is no hope for the narcissist. Please don’t think that. But there is no hope for them in me. The only hope is in Jesus.

Here’s my message to the narcissists:

Let Jesus take it all away. If your spouse is leaving, do whatever it takes to make it easier for him/her to go. If your child wants no contact, understand. Give up the fight. Suffer the humiliation. Accept the responsibility. Let go of the blame. And don’t go out looking for sympathy or justice. Just let it happen. Allow everything you fear: the rejection, the weakness, the loss. Ride it down as far as it goes … until you have nothing left but Jesus and His love.

Oh no, you don’t get to be the victim. You made choices and those choices hurt others. Admit it. Own it. Anyone who comes to comfort you and tell you it wasn’t your fault is either more narcissistic supply for your addiction or has their own agenda to use you. You can’t afford to turn your narcissism into being the victim. Own the fact that you use others and don’t care about their pain. Fall to the bottom. You’re going to hate it.

Face your fear. Experience the rejection and shame. Then take it to Jesus. Lay it at His feet. Don’t blame anyone. Don’t make up an excuse. Jesus already knows the truth. No one else should be a part of this, except maybe a counselor who is walking with you through it. Other people are not tools to serve you, even when you are hurting. No one, not your spouse or friend or parent or child, has to go through this with you. This is about what you have chosen and what you are going to take to Jesus.

Then, and only then, you will begin to understand that your hiding and pretending were never the answer. Then you will begin to understand that others are real and valuable. Then you will begin to see that the broken little self you have been trying to protect is just as false as the image you created to distract the world. Jesus loves you. Just you, in all your weakness. He accepts you as you are. Then let Him rebuild your life without the lies and the masks. Don’t expect others to come running to accept the new you. That isn’t the goal. The goal is to let Jesus actually create a new you. Know that He is in your life and is sufficient.

There may be some people you need to talk to. They don’t owe you forgiveness, or even the time to give an apology. If they are willing to listen, tell them what you think you did to them. Only then can you say you are sorry. If they disagree and want to set you straight, let them. If you understand what they say, tell them you are sorry. If you don’t understand, apologize for that and still believe them. Then that’s the end. Don’t ask for forgiveness. Just be sorry. Let them off the hook. If they hate you, so be it. If they don’t believe you, that’s okay. If they still think evil of you, you should understand. If you have to live the rest of your life apart from the people you should have loved, so they can feel and be safe, then do that. But you may still have responsibility to provide for them. Do it without complaint and without expectation. Do it from whatever distance is best for them. Fulfill your responsibility, and let them be free.

And don’t go out looking for new love. Not until Jesus lets you. All the repentance in the world means nothing if you just start hurting someone new. Be prepared to be alone, with no support other than the love of Jesus. That will be enough, more than enough, if you want the change He can bring. This will be the most uncomfortable path you have ever walked, but it will be the right one.

(One more note: if you have been told that you are a narcissist and find yourself criticizing all of this or looking for loopholes or ways to twist this to your advantage, you prove my point. I have nothing more to offer you.)

Is this possible? I believe it is. I won’t hold my breath waiting for an email from someone thanking me for this advice, but I will trust that Jesus will move someone to read it and be challenged with a genuine opportunity for change.

44 Comments

Filed under Narcissism, Uncategorized

44 responses to ““I don’t want to be a narcissist!”

  1. milkandhoneyhome

    Thank you for your blog! You are speaking the truth with grace and love. God bless you!

    Julie

    Sent from my iPad

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  2. Terri Ray

    BRILLIANT. I LOVE THIS!!

    Rbrand Beauty Makeup Artist Terri Ray Located: http://www.socialbeautylounge.com 3602 E Coast Hwy Corona Del mar, CA 92625 714.273.6136 Rbrandbeauty@gmail.com

    >

  3. CIindee

    What a terrific post. I so wish the narcissist that turned my life upside down would read your message and commit to change. I doubt seriously that he ever will, though. One word- PRIDE. It shrouds his heart.

    • Cecilia K

      I wish the same for my N ex-boyfriend, CIindee. The first and biggest obstacle, though, is that I don’t believe he sees himself as narcissistic, and he may Not be a full-fledged clinical narcissist, but he sure does exhibit enough of the characteristics to appear to be one. Anyway, I’m sure he would recoil with horror and react with rage if I even suggested or hinted that he is or might be one.

    • Cecilia K

      I teared up a little bit, just reading this post, as I imagined what it would be like if my ex-bf actually took this advice to heart and acted on it.

  4. Sara

    God bless you! I couldn’t have said it better! Thank you JESUS!

  5. Sharon

    Wow…this is great! Thanking God for you and your wisdom

  6. Wow. Amazing. I hope Pastor Dave is writing a book!

    I am tempted to print this out and mail it to the worst malignant narcissist in my life, the one who sings in the church choir and beats people over the head with a Bible. But I know it would not do any good. And besides, I have gone No Contact.

  7. Janet

    This post is spot on!!! I have been thinking about and praying these very things. May Jesus pour out (especially on my Narc friend whom I had to leave) an abundance of His grace, His tender mercies and His love. There is no other way for them.

  8. Mark

    This is good advice for everyone, not just narcissists. I definitely struggle with my own pride and trying to use others besides Jesus to feed my ego.

  9. Abbi

    Sometimes the only way for the Lord to move in a person’s life is when they are at absolute rock bottom and they are finally broken. Then, maybe, they will open up their heart to real true repentance.

  10. Diana

    I’m praying for release from my N husband of 33 years. There has to be a miraculous solution. I am trapped in a horror film. The last confrontational discussion we had regarding his continual deception and lies resulted in his indignant response of, ‘that’s just the way I am’; no remorse, apology or regret for his hurtful and dishonest attitude. I completely understand, Pastor Dave, why you never hear from those N’s who initially contact you. It’s impossible for them to acknowledge they are the source of the conflicts and pain. Thank you for your guidance, once again.

  11. Bitter But Getting Better

    Diana, I totally relate to your comment: “continual deception and lies”. I swear my unhusband lives in an alternate reality of lies & deception & has spent 40 years trying to convince me of it’s reality. It is not real!!! It is not truth!!! It’s taken a long time to finally get it.

    Thanks Pastor Dave for your kind hearted spirit in dealing with this difficult issue.

  12. Anne

    Wonderfully said. I truly appreciate your honesty about how difficult it is for narcissists to see the pain they’ve caused in others’ lives. Too many people, who probably have never been victims themselves, offer only platitudes and think we are exaggerating. And they feel sorry for them, because, after all, weren’t they also victims? But I believe most people with NPD know what they’re doing and take pleasure in inflicting pain on their victims. They’re not looking for forgiveness; they’re looking for more supply to prove their superiority.

    Diana, I was married to my ex for 44 years. He was so covert that it took me decades to see how his behavior didn’t match his words. But about five years before we started having major issues, his best friend, who was also married for a long time, started counseling with his wife. I would ask for updates on how they were doing and I remember him saying that his friend’s position with his wife was always “She knew who I was when we got married (at 21) and it’s just who I am.” In other words, take it or leave it. He wasn’t going to make any changes to accommodate his wife’s needs and that was that. When I realized that my husband agreed with this position I was appalled. Yet I shouldn’t have been because my husband never apologized for anything and felt he was always right. So they were both narcissists.

    The other couple stayed together in a sort of truce. She had no income of her own and didn’t want to give up their comfortable lifestyle. But, once I made the discovery of who my ex really was, I just couldn’t live with him anymore. It turned out that he is also gay-in-denial so that explained a lot.

    We’ve been divorced for almost six months now and it still hurts a lot. But he never once tried to make it work or go to counseling together. I believe he wanted a divorce but didn’t have the guts to tell me. I hear that he’s telling people that he just doesn’t know what went wrong, that he seems depressed and confused. But he’s still totally in denial about his secret sex life with men and the verbal and emotional abuse he heaped on me. Poor him!

  13. Tee3

    Powerful letter and straight to the point, Pastor Dave. I wish I could send it to my ex husband.

  14. VB

    WOW, I can’t say enough, Pastor Dave. So powerful. I was married to one for 8 years, he destroyed my life, my kids, my reputation and for the past 3 years I have read and researched (that and BPD) and it was like I was reading our life on paper. This experience brought me to Jesus and I have been working so hard for years to forgive myself for the pain it caused my family. I never understood why God let it happen and as I drew closer to The Lord and LET GO, he revealed it all to me; in HIS prefect time. I ran into the adultress and it turns out that she was too living the same life of lies and pain and suffering all these years. God brought us together so we could reveal the truth and the truth set me free. She will go back, I know it, I did for years because I was so brainwashed that I was the sick one. But through the truth of Gods word and my dedication to him, he has set me free from this predator. God is soooo beyond words. I read your blog every Friday and today…. Today!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt like I get it, finally! Let us go and go away …. Every narcissists should fall on their knees to this evil way of life and let Jesus save them. He did come to save the sick! What a great message today! So blessed!

  15. Annette

    Excellent post! I think this may be helpful for people who are somewhat narcissistic, such as people who were raised in a narcissistic family. When narcissistic behavior is all that was ever modeled for you, that is what you pick up. It’s called “narcissistic fleas”. That said, however, I am afraid it won’t help full-blown narcissists. They would need an intervention of the magnitude of Jesus’ encounter with Saul of Tarsus on the road to Damascus.

    There is little doubt in my mind that Saul (who was to become the apostle Paul) was a malignant narcissist prior to that. He was a proud man and had spent his time persecuting and killing people just for fun. But his encounter with Jesus left him blind, that is helpless. To exacerbate his humiliation, he needed the help of one of the people he had persecuted to be healed of his blindness. To top it all off, he had to spend the rest of his life preaching the message he had hated so much. He had to preach Christ crucified, a very humbling message indeed for a proud Pharisee. Jesus knows how to handle narcissists! But without Him doing it, I don’t know how a full-blown narcissist would ever get to the point of being willing to change.

    • Rachel

      Annette, that’s such a fascinating insight about St Paul! I really think you are right. He was very proud indeed. Perhaps that was the “thorn in the flesh” that he spoke of later on?
      Thanks for sharing this.

    • Diana

      Annette – excellent insight into Paul’s prior life without Christ’s grace. Truly, narcissists are hopelessly doomed without divine intervention and self-acknowledgement.

      • Rachel

        Thanks Diana, it was helpful to me that you pointed out the saving action of God’s grace which can rescue even a narcissist. I know that it also takes the self acknowledgement, the cooperation internally with that grace for there to be salvation, but this gives me hope that even the narcissists are not abandoned by the Lord.
        One of the hardest things I have found about being the spouse of a NH, now that we are separated, it continuing to hope and pray for him without becoming unrealistic about being able to “save” him myself.

    • Missy56

      Annette, You are absolutely right.A Damascus rd. encounter is the way I describe my husband’s true conversion. After living with him for 20 years as a full blown narcissist, it was truly an interesting thing to witness. He was literally so overwhelmed (blinded by the light) with the magnitude of truth, that he had been blind to for so many years, that he wen through a series of behaviors for several years that left me puzzled. I guess to come to realize that most of what you had believed for your entire life had been lies would be overwhelming. It hasn’t been easy still.

  16. maggie

    I would love to send this as well. I thought I may be the only one who would have the inpulse to do so. So comforting to read others desire to get this in front of their N too. Thank you Pastor Dave…It is just so tragic . While I have been victimized by it I cannot even begin to understand the thinking, behaving behind it …Nor do I have to which is a fine consolation.

  17. Would this be a good thing to send to husband if I leave?(this email today fits him)

    Sent from my iPhone

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  18. It’s great that there are Pastors like Pastor Dave who know much about narcissism. I wonder if most Pastors do, or this is something new that is growing more popular amongst the clergy(the knowledge of narcissism). You know one thing I’d like to see is a narcissist who operates on their own, I guess the most dangerous ones do. But many work in a group and that just reinforces their sense of power because they have others to back them up. I would think a narcissist on his own would be easier to break and be gotten through to.

  19. KayJay

    GREAT post! Oh if only! I actually wrote a letter to my N, then also wrote the reply that I would like to receive. I saw the suggestion somewhere, maybe here or in one of the books I’ve read on the subject. They are still in a notepad under my bed, but it did help to write it out and read it as a reminder to myself that there will probably be no solution or closure ever. I have much clearer vision now.

  20. Kathy

    I respectfully disagree that Saul/Paul was a narcissist before his conversion. Saul believed wholeheartedly he was fighting FOR GOD. I believe that he sought God, was proud of what he was doing FOR God. He loved God — he just didn’t get it.
    But God answered Saul — because that’s what He does when you seek Him with all your heart. IMHO

    The post — wow!!!
    Hey, Narcissist — this is the deal. If you have a contagious disease, you stay away from the public until it’s no longer contagious. You don’t seek to include others because your disease was “not your fault.”
    If you have bad vision, you can’t claim that’s just the way you are. You have to have corrective lenses before you get behind the wheel of your car and put others at risk.
    If you’ve had too much to drink, you can’t say “well, it’s my friends’ fault so I can drive. They made me drink.”
    It doesn’t work that way.
    If you are a narcissist, or think you are, DO NOT expose your wife, kids, siblings, co-workers, neighbors, employees, your flock, your neighbors to YOUR ISSUES. Get help for YOU and YOU ALONE. WHEN you are safe to be behind the wheel, safe to be in public, then and ONLY THEN can you dare to hope that others will get close again.
    DO NOT seek forgiveness. Seek repentance.

  21. Kim Mitchell

    Great info for better understanding!

    Sent from my iPhone

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  22. JAS

    Thank you so much for this post! I have only recently come to the realization that my husband has NPD. Initially it was very freeing to finally have an answer and explanation for his behavior and treatment of me. For so long I could not understand why he would rage at me for things that were insignificant, or be adamant that I share his exact opinion on random things, but be ok about having different opinions on others. At first I gave him the benefit of the doubt when we would fight, that he actually wanted to reach a resolution, and I would be willing to compromise and change because that’s what you are supposed to do in a marriage. But the more time that passed, the more it became evident that he was only interested in berating me for the sake of berating me, and did not care if I made efforts to address what he claimed he was concerned about. And then there was the gaslighting, another term I only recently discovered, like when he forced me to agree that I had not seen a movie when I knew I had but just could not recall the where and when. Plus all the other times he would claim to remember things and tell me I just have a bad memory.

    But now that I have a name for his behavior/disorder, I have been struggling with what to do and also with the seeming hopelessness of any change in people with NPD. I just couldn’t square what I know about Jesus and his redemption with what I kept hearing about the inability of NPD’s to ever truly change, and that the only thing you can do is get out or continue to suffer because there is no hope for change. I need to know that there is hope for change for my husband, not necessarily so that things will be better for me and I can have a good life with him, but because I couldn’t bear to think about him being condemned for the rest of his life to the black hole of life as an NPD. Thank you for showing me that there IS hope for him, but it is not going to come from me, or even through me. For a long time in our marriage I told this story to myself that I just needed to be “Jesus with skin on” to my husband and love him and that was my calling in life. But I know now that is a lie I told myself to give myself hope, when the only place I can truly look for hope is in Jesus and what He can do completely apart from me. I am just getting in the way by thinking that I can “love the sin out” of my husband, because that is part of the fuel that is feeding his NPD. I am praying that God will make clear to me the path I am to take.

    Thank you so much for making this safe space available to share, and thank you for all your insights into NPD. Finding this blog felt like finding an oasis of truth and peace in a desert of hopelessness and despair.

    • Cecilia K

      JAS, your story sounds so much like mine, except that you are married to your Narc. Mine was just a boyfriend, so I’m sure your hope for his repentance and heart change is a LOT more intense than mine is. While I do believe that Jesus can change anyone, I see so many testimonies of Christian folk who have prayed fervently for years for their Narc spouses or friends or whoever but have seen no change, so it does make me want to give up hope, but I will share that this morning, I read Luke 8, and it contains the passage about Jesus casting the demons out of the man in the Gerasenes, and then the man was in his right mind. Narcissism may not be exactly demon possession, but it certainly seems like demonic behavior, because as we have said, it is evil. Anyway, it just gave me a little encouragement.

      Luke 8:27 says, “When Jesus had stepped out on land, There Met Him a Man from the city who had demons.” At first, it sounded to me like the man sought Jesus out himself–to be cleansed, perhaps? But then I thought, but how would he have known Jesus was coming that way? Did the man just “happen” to already be there when Jesus stepped out on the land? Basically, I’m pondering whether the man was actively seeking to be cleansed (being demon-possessed, I wouldn’t think he would have that kind of presence of mind), or if Jesus just saw his need and cleansed him without being asked?

      I don’t recall Saul asking Jesus to save him. He didn’t think he was in need of salvation, right? Jesus opened his eyes by blinding him, ironically. I’m not sure what my point is here, exactly. I think I’m more just thinking “out loud,” as they say. At first, was going to say that our narcs may never realize on their own their need for healing, that it will take Jesus opening their eyes; then I thought, but that’s how any of us come to faith in Christ. None of us sees our need for Christ, save Him opening our eyes. “I once was blind, but now I see.” “No one comes to me unless the Father who sent me draws him.” John 6:44

      Does this make any sense to anyone?

  23. Dave and all, wow, another blow to my heart. God connected me with Ken, a wonderful God-honoring man and we married last year in June.Last week a driver under the influence of meth and marijuana plowed into him and the cyclists he was riding with,killing him and a woman, critically injuring two more people. to have found real Christ-centered love and then have it ripped away has just about shattered my heart totally again, so I covet your prayers. I’ve been “foolishly” standing for Jesus doing a Lazarus miracle, since Ken wanted the faith of Smith Wigglesworth to raise the dead, and I even stated as much to the TV news people who interviewed me last Monday. I’d be glad if all Tucson calls me a fool for Christ. ecrmjackson@msn.com

    • Cecilia K

      Wow, Rose, how terrible! I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. I pray God heals your heart and brings you peace very soon.

    • Rachel

      So sorry to hear your news Rose. My deepest condolences. Praying for the peace of Christ in your heart. Blessings xxx

    • Oh, Rose, I am so sorry! What pain you must feel. There are no answers or explanations in these things, just love. Trust in the Father’s love for you. He is wise and good, all the time. You are not alone. Many here are praying for you, I know.

  24. Thank you, this was great!

    I am 50 and have been NC with my 74-year-old covert narcissist mother for almost two years. If she attempts contact, I am going to simply send her a printed copy of this blog entry, highlighting the portion to find Jesus and work on herself, leaving the rest of us alone!

    If she has any other expectations other than getting herself right with Jesus, then I agree with you… she’s just trying another angle (in her game).

    Again, thank you. I really look forward to your Friday emails! You are helping so many people!

  25. maggie

    Pastor Dave or others, Would it be unwise to send this to the N? I embrace the idea that I can never influence change or even in the first place bring him to this awareness, but what if it was sent anonymously? Is this interfering with God and His plan for him?Any feedback would be most welcomed.

  26. James

    Its hard to read this and know that I am the problem not everyone else. If you are reading this and keep blaming other people for the hurt and pain you have caused you will never get better. Look at the effects of your destructive behavior on the ones you say you love around you. Listen to them before it is to late. Stop blaming other for the pain you have caused. It is something I am in the process of doing now. I have been the one causing pain and hurt in my family. It is never to late to ask God for help and allow him change you.

  27. It is unlikely that the type of self proclaimed narcissist that reaches out in a desperate and sincere desire for help, because they “do not want to be a narcissist anymore”, are the same type of narcissist that brought most of us to sites such as this. The malignant narcissist does not reach out for help concerning themselves. They do not need help, there is nothing wrong with them, and they will NEVER disclose to anyone that they identify with the ugly character, disembodied mind, and spiritual sickness of the narcissist. We all have some narcissism in us, as we are human beings with an ego. Then of course there is the pathological narcissist, which is narcissism outside of what is “normal”. Over time, the pathological will become malignant. This will happen at varying rates of speed, and varying degrees of evil, but it is inevitable. Considering they find comfort in the lies they tell themselves, they are unlikely to experience any revelations even while reading an exact outline of exactly who and what they are. Since they are fond of surrogates, they may insert their daughter in place of themselves, which would unfold as follows: “Oh my! This is exactly like my ungrateful daughter”! And if they are like so many, they will grab onto this new thing they discovered, and demand the daughter, spouse, sister, grandchild, etc get the help they need. Pay attention, listen carefully…as the accusations they so freely, and abundantly pin upon others, will be exact descriptions, characteristics, and traits that personify themselves. The actions they accuse others of doing, are the very actions that are their engines. I apologize in advance, as I do have unwavering, rather rigid beliefs about the malignant narcissist. There will be no excuses for these creatures coming from me. I am grateful, and I admire the brave souls that provide safe places for us to heal and share our journey. I cannot imagine dedicating myself to the tremendous responsibility of providing a space such as this one. To those eager to help the narcissist by sending them a book, asking them to take a fun little quiz, sharing what you learned, or cannot wait to tell them they are a narcissist…don’t. If you were not hated before, you will be after taking any one of the above.actions. If the narcissist in your life already hates you, do any one of the above, and you will long for the days when they hated you. You cannot help them, you cannot fix them. They will never treat you better, they will never be kind, caring, or compassionate. they will never appreciate you, be loyal to you, be grateful for you, protect you, or tell you the truth. Your happiness, security, peace of mind, and well being will never be.their motivation, never. They will never love you correctly, they will never see how beautiful you are, they will never miss the gift they did not care to know they had. The knowledge, the revelations, the truth… let it be yours alone, as it will empower you. Now you know…what you felt and feel, thought and think, heard and hear, are all very real. This knowledge is comforting, validating, and very, very powerful. With it you have all the tools you need to heal yourself.

  28. Jim Fluit

    I want to thank you for your words here about narcissism. I have been through a lot of loss and pain and running ahead of God at times. I have been told recently that I am a narcissist. I struggle with this because I love people and love helping people. But through running ahead of God and struggling and fighting as a result, my wife believes that I am a narcissist, a manipulating sociopath. The truth of my heart can’t be seen much anymore, I have shrunk and am loosing all hope…even that God is angry with me.
    I just read this here and it gave me a little sense of hope. Maybe, there is a way to stand up once again and love people. Thanks

  29. Alex

    Hi
    I’ve just read your article and I could not agree more with your opinion.
    I have recently ruined my happiest relationship with the most wonderful girl in the world, all thanks to my borderline relationship disorder.
    I do not run nor hide from the things that I did to her. I’m disgraced, ashamed and embarrassed at how I behaved towards the one girl I’ve ever really loved.im just glad she found the strength to leave me as this was the only thing that enabled me to see and understand what I had done.
    I am truly full of regrets for what I did. I love this girl with everything I have and I treated her terribly. I have no excuses or anybody else to blame.
    I can only hope that the work that I have put in to correct these faults in me since our break up can help me to rebuild our trust again, if she will allow me too.

  30. Jerry Osborne

    Wow …. NPD is brand new to me …. I have been married 30 years and have spent most of my life serving in the Church. Taught marriage class for many years. Thought I was God’s gift to the world. We have raised 3 kids and have spent last couple years as empty nesters and the “cracks” in the armor have been bursting forth. Wife and I battle daily and I blamed it on everyone Else. It was my dad’s fault, it was the Church’s fault, it was Pastor’s fault, and lastly …it was my wife’s fault ….. Quit going to Church and became cold and hard inside this degerneate heart. Stumbled across Narcissism few days ago and can’t seem to read enough … It is me to the “T” and never saw this in my life. I think I have every symptom I’ve read. I now wonder how my wife made it 30 years. Always thought she was “crazy” and everyone thought I was “special”. Not sure where to begin. I do own it and recognize it. Thanks for the Post. I spent the past couple days thinking I was doomed … And there was no hope. Long road ahead but NOW on the right path. Humbled, if that is Possible.

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