Information is power

 

It’s Narcissist Friday!     

 

 

If information is power, then the narcissist will have it. Ever notice how the narcissist knows things you don’t? Or how the information you want is hard to get? Or how information is bottle-necked at the same place (person) all the time? Yeah, that’s on purpose.

Narcissists love to have information. They gather information about people especially. All the latest gossip and dirt. They make it a point to know the back story on everyone they think they can use. They know who is open to manipulation and compromise.

But there’s more than that. The narcissist knows that information is important to movement in our lives and in our organizations. So he/she will use it as a tool for control. You get only the information the narcissist wants you to have. Many of those who work with narcissists will tell about the bottleneck that is the narcissist’s desk. It might be the boss, or it might be a co-worker, but things stop at that desk. Sometimes it’s the secretary or administrator. When you have to hunt for the information you need, something you ought to have, you almost always find it at that desk.

And remember that the narcissist doesn’t just want to control, he/she wants you to know you are being controlled. You are to feel inferior and confused. It is the narcissist’s superiority you have to deal with. Anything you get is a privilege for you.

Sometimes you are expected to know the information, the information you were never given. Just to keep you on edge and inferior, you are held responsible for information you don’t have.

“You should have known about that appointment They called three days ago.”

“We always use that supplier.”

“Oh, he changed his mind. Didn’t you get the memo?”

“What do you mean you don’t have it done? I told you a week ago!”

“Really, you showed up? Ha ha! That meeting was called off a month ago.”

But, of course, the narcissist never actually sent that memo or reminder. He/she knew about it and held you accountable for it, but didn’t really tell you. The appointment was on the narcissist’s calendar, maybe even available on another calendar most people don’t use, but not where you would see it easily. And now you look bad. Now you have to scramble. Now you are frustrated and confused. And now the narcissist has even more control.

Many spouses understand this. From the little things, like not mentioning that he used up something in the kitchen, to the big things, like letting that insurance policy drop or never following through on an investment. Or even bigger, like not mentioning a marriage and a daughter and letting the third wife think she was the second until the daughter showed up (yep, true story).

Controlling information makes the narcissist feel strong. He knows something you don’t. She has a way to make you look foolish or make you scramble.

Information is power.

So what do you do? Plan on gathering your own information. Find and be aware of any obscure places information might be found. The narcissist will probably have a way of claiming that the information was out there for you. Find his/her hiding places. Ask others to copy you on information. Create a community that shares information as much as possible. Others have faced the same bottleneck.

Keep your own paper trails. Email trails are easy to maintain and retrace. If you can show that you never received an email, or that you received inaccurate information, you will at least know that you are sane.  Have a family calendar and make it clear that you are only responsible for things entered on it.  Post it where others can see it.

Don’t trust the narcissist. That seems like something that doesn’t need to be said, yet trusting that person may be what got you into trouble in the first place. Double check everything. Get confirmations. If you are responsible for something, make sure you will have what you need. You don’t want to find out that the projector is in the narcissist’s car just before you need it. (Okay, that dates me, but you know what I mean.)

The old adage about the word “assume” making “an ass out of u and an ass out of me” doesn’t really work with a narcissist. It will only make an ass out of u. If there is risk in something changing, don’t assume that it hasn’t. Certainly don’t assume that the narcissist would have told you.

Information is power. The narcissist will grab it and hold onto it. Then use it against you. That’s how it works.

46 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

46 responses to “Information is power

  1. Thanks. Peace and blessings…

  2. Hope Always

    My husband bought a camper and refuses to talk to me about where it really is. He refuses to discuss money, his plans..other than he is done with our marriage.

    He is mean when I ask him questions that I may have asked already…always said that ” we discussed this before.” And then he won’t answer me

    I feel left in the dark often and crazy.

    • KT

      You could use a lot of help from the Lord! Reach out to a trusted, praying community to help you find your way to the light.

      • Janet

        Been there, done that. Thats part of the terror of it all. They DON’T BELIEVE YOU. They treat YOU as the problem. you can only go to God. Narcissists are scary. They don’t act like Christians to those closest to them but to the church they are meek, mild and play the victim to the nines. I nearly left the faith over this when it seemed God was just letting this Narcissist get away with murder. He finally reasured me that He would be faithful to me and not let the guilty go unpunished. He also guaranteed they would be set on a slippery slope to suddenly fall. Ps 73.

      • Hope Always

        I am jusy seeing this response now. I need help in a major way from the lord. In a major way. This is too much for me.

    • Savedbygrace

      Hi Hope Always- you feel that way because that is your reality- he IS leaving you in the dark, he IS doing crazy making stuff. That is the truth here. The things you have described do not belong in a loving relationship. Listen to your gut- it is not wrong to hold him accountable for that camper- why wont he?? I’m wondering what he would do if you acted on what he said? eg he’s done with the marriage- OK-there’s the door! Truly he is messing with your head and he knows it. He’s got you where he wants you and he is calling the shots.
      I love your screen name but where is your Hope directed? Don’t let it be towards him if he treats you like that.
      As Dave said information is power. Learn what you can about abusive tactics eg Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that’
      Get other voices in your life who will truth tell- affirm you and your thinking- restore some sanity
      Find your voice. You are worthy of love, respect and honor don’t settle for less.
      (((hugs))) take care.

      • Hope Always

        I am just seeing this response. You sre so correct..i am always the problem. I always have been. He has been mad at me for most of our marriage. I kind of checked out for a while. I didnt know how to handle him, myself, and our marriage. Unfortunately my hope flip flops all over the place. Some days my hope is in the Lord..other days my hope is in my husband..and i am constantly crushed.. o dont know what the magic formula is to put my hope in the Lord 100% all the time..

        I feel crazy most of the time. Everyrhing is my fault, he calls me abusive, he says our marriage is just a legal document in the state of NY. That hurts to hear that. Rigjt now i am in limbo waiting for him to make a move to dissolve the marriage.

  3. Cindee

    So true! My Ex N was a master at lying by omission. My epiphany came one day when my sweet dad told me that my biggest problem with X was that I believed him. Turning point for me and it really changed my entire perspective of our “marriage.” After a few years of no contact, my head is clear and he has no power or influence . A beautiful thing!

    • Savedbygrace

      Thanks Cindee for sharing your story- very encouraging! Thank heavens for sweet dads:)

    • Hope Always

      I slowly telling myself that just b3cause my husband says it,..doesnt mean it is true.

      I tend to fall into the trap of beleieving everything my husband says as truth.

      God help us who are in my shoes.

  4. Diana

    So true and how appropriate that I had a discussion this a.m with my N husband regarding this very topic exactly–withholding information. His response when confronted was ‘you are paranoid.’ Lord help me! Same old N…throw your deceit back on me. It works every time. There will be a day when your gas lighting no longer works on me. Find another unsuspecting victim.

  5. Cecilia K

    Had an interesting exchange with the ex-NBFabout 6 months ago. The day of his custody hearing, I texted after I thought it would be over and asked how it went. No response till the next morning, and then, just “Long day” (text). I thought he might send more in a few minutes, so I waited…nothing.

    Knowing he knew I was expecting more detail (in the past, he would generally be pretty open about how his other custody hearings went), I figured he was playing a game, and I didn’t want to play along, I just responded, “Rough”. Him: “That, too.”

    After a while with no more info, I finally said, “I was hoping for more information, but if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s all you have to say.” He expressed something about it not being a good time to talk about it or something. I said I understood, but I wished he would have just said that up front, because it felt like he was ignoring me at first. He gave some excuse that didn’t truly satisfy the issue.

    Anyway, about 2 months later with no contact other than me asking once about a car issue, he texts and asks if everything is okay with “us”. Me: What do you mean? (There is no “us” anymore.) He said since we hadn’t talked in a while, he was concerned that I was “still upset” about feeling ignored (I was never Upset, just a little annoyed by his mind game). Seemed a little far-fetched to me. I said I would still like to know what happened at his hearing, but I can’t make him tell me. I was thinking maybe now (then) was a good time to talk about it, but all he said was “it’s very stressful to talk about.” (It was never stressful to talk about before.)

    I got annoyed again that he was bringing up the hearing incident, knowing that I want to know what happened, only to tell me he still wasn’t going to tell me (not that I think I’m entitled to know, but all through our relationship, I was there for him and supportive of him through other hearings, and he would always fill me in), so I accused him of trying to bait me to ask him about it. This upset him, and his text tone became tense — “Baiting you??? Are you still upset with me?” I asked why he couldn’t have just been up front and said that it was stressful to talk about, in the first place? He said he Was up front. No, he wasn’t. Anyway, we fought

    We did “patch things up” the next day, but I feel strongly that something happened at that custody hearing that he doesn’t want me to know about. If it had gone well and in his favor, it would not have been stressful to talk about. I’m thinking that something came to light that perhaps made him look bad, and he couldn’t share that with me, of course. Or it could have just been an information-withholding power play, as Dave talked about.

  6. Annette

    This post is spot on and refers particularly to the workplace and business relationships. It exactly describes two malignant narcissists I currently have to deal with.

    But I am also in the process of gathering information on one of them in preparation of litigation. It does make me feel sneaky, but does it make me a narcissist? I don’t think so because the courts require evidence of criminal offenses.

    I am aware that church folks would tell me to forgive and forget. Contrary to current Christian opinion, however, I don’t think that Christians are called to support evildoers in their evil ways and the damage they inflict on others. Matt. 5:39–41 doesn’t work on narcissists because it is meant to lead people to repentance, and narcissists do not repent. Jesus could not have wanted us to enable evildoers in their evildoing because that would go against the rest of Scripture and against God’s character. You can pray for such people but not support their wickedness.

    Yes, with such people you have to reach a point where you no longer believe their lies, i.e., due to their track record reckon that anything they say may well be a lie. At this point you will most likely want to separate, in business as well as in private life. It is not possible to have a relationship of any kind with a pathological liar. It is very telling that Scott Peck calls evil people “People of the Lie”.

    One weakness of narcissists is that they tend to overestimate themselves. They believe they are smart and you are dumb. This is to your advantage. Just let them believe that and do your own thing. If you are fortunate, you can fool them. Let them believe they are so superior; if need be, stroke their ego. Then they won’t notice that you are secretly preparing for your exit.

    • Rachel

      Hi Annette, I understand this tension between discretion and needing to tell the story in a legal setting. Very difficult, but maybe good to remember that the Truth sets us free and it is one thing to give an account for others to make a judgement from, a different thing for us to make the judgement. Of course we can make a judgement about someone’s behaviour towards us and this will inform our decisions about how and whether we stay in contact with them. These are all things I have grappled with over the last months. Good luck with your case and blessings. x

      • Annette

        Thank you for your good wishes, Rachel. Yes, indeed, it is difficult and stressful, complete with the typical gaslighting/crazymaking behavior.

    • KT

      Haaaa yes, I LOVE IT, secretly make your exit!!!!!!! With the narc, you just have to disappear without explanation!! I must admit, I do not fully understand the phenomenon of a narcissist, but I’ve found myself becoming increasingly obsessed with studying the behavior of the narcissist in my life, almost like I’m making a god out of him. I’m just amazed at the blatant erroneous mindset of a narcissist. I wonder how God feels about narcissists. I wonder if his behavior is demon-driven. I wonder if I pray for him, will be develop a conscious. Anyways, definitely fed up with making myself small for fear of being hurt or played again. God’s word still remains and I know He doesn’t want me waking around paranoid and afraid of a mere man. This is all distractions! A creative plot and ploy of the enemy. Wise up my friends, God is STILL all-powerful. And that will never change!

      • Annette

        “Anyways, definitely fed up with making myself small for fear of being hurt or played again.” Yes, indeed.

        Re “blatant erroneous mindset”: today one of my current narcissists whiningly complained about nobody appreciating him (particularly me!) even though he does “everything right”. I guess you can imagine how well he does things. He defrauds us and embezzles our money, and I can prove it. It is our property manager, and as president of our condominium association I have a certain responsibility for protecting our financial interests.

        Considering how destructive they are, I think the demonic influence is quite obvious (cf. Jn. 8:44).

        If you want to know how God feels about narcissists, just read what Jesus said to and about the Pharisees (e.g. Matt. 23). One thing is for sure: he doesn’t fall for their pretense. Jesus is also very clear about where they’ll get to spend eternity.

  7. Savedbygrace

    so true. Realising my nh was a liar was a huge lightbulb moment for me and a turning point in getting ‘out of the fog’ of an abusive relationship. Devestating tho, as I had taken”truth” as a ‘given’ in my Christian marriage ( as I believe you should be able to!). He would subtly use lies to define my reality eg “You don’t know what you want” ” I wish you would correct me”
    (go figure!)- all such things drowned out my own voice and I could no longer perceive truth from lie. Yes, lies by omission, by over/under stating, by vagueness, by saying ambiguous statements- if you take it one way, he meant it the other, by denying having said something ( ‘Oh I must have thought it’/ or straight up ‘yes I did’)- it becomes pathological , just a way of being- any wonder living with someone like this is so confusing, exhausting, and ultimately dangerous!
    What did Jesus say? ‘you will know the truth and truth will set you free.’

    • Annette

      Yes, but narcissists don’t want you to be free; that’s why they lie.
      Whenever one of those narcissists I currently have to deal with is confronted with something he said before that is inconvenient now, he says: “I never said that!” After a while you start to feel the need to have some type of recording device on you so you can prove what he said. Unsurprisingly, I’ve found this mentioned as a red flag of narcissism.

      • Janet

        EXACTLY!!! That is why I began to keep all emails and sms’s. Once I was told by my N: “I never said that, you are imagining things”. I SHOWED the email to my N friend by forwarding it to her. Zero response. Changed the subject completely.

  8. Penny

    How do you know when a narc is lying?
    How do you know when a narc will use the truth against you??

    Their lips are moving.

    Never, ever, ever give them ANY information.
    Never, ever mistake their “caring concern” for anything other than exploitation.

    It took years for me to learn & to teach my kids and my spouse that the narc is on a “need to know basis.”

    They NEVER need to know.
    They NEVER need any information.
    EVER.
    NEVER give them anything, never tell them anything.
    Ever.
    Unless you enjoy being betrayed, exploited, & discarded.

    • Annette

      Very true. Some of my narcissistic relatives are like that. They extract information faking “caring concern” and then proceed to use it against you.

  9. Mark

    One of my former churches would use spies to collect information. It seemed like the leaders always knew everything, and I found out that they asked “friendlies” (my word) – people that weren’t leaders, but had friendships in the congregation, to seek out information.

    At one point, one of the elders had a piece of information that I had confided in a friend. When I asked where he got that information, he said, “oh, one of our spies told us.” Apparently, it was of no concern to him that they were asking people to betray friends to gain information. When I went to talk to the friend, he said that the leaders asked him to find out what I thought about some issue.

    It’s hard, I was a naive and trusting kid, and those were both beaten out of me by people who betrayed and exploited me. Now, I’m more confident and trusting in a communities of people I don’t know than around the people who supposedly care for me the most.

  10. Mark

    This is pretty interesting, though. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family. My mom thought it was important that we all eat dinner together, and she liked conversations. But, when the conversations started it was all a big game. We tried to figure out how to say “truth” with a dagger inside, or evade questions through distraction or half answers. I’m not sure if my parents didn’t catch on, or if they just didn’t think that respect and boundaries were important for kids (I suspect the latter), but that was what happened almost on a daily basis.

    If there is something good about growing up in that environment, it is that I have a really, really good radar for that sort of deception. The bad part for me, at least, is that it’s hard to say things plainly and respectfully, and even harder to apologize (admitting guilt was the cardinal sin!). I think I get picked out pretty quickly as an enemy because I know how the game works. I can generally listen to what they’re saying and figure out the kinds of questions they’re trying to avoid.

  11. hazelnut

    Every blog of yours that I read, Pastor Dave, affirms the reasons why I left. I believed I was insane. I felt I was going insane. With therapy, faith, and some supportive friends, my mind is clearing, and life ahead is looking promising. thank you so much for sharing your insight, experience, and wisdom.

  12. My sister and I have discussed the value of “collecting evidence.” Others might call it a form of hoarding. We needed proof we weren’t lying. My parents repeatedly told me the only time I’d been to the hospital as a child was to have my tonsils out. I knew there was another time, but they denied, denied, denied. I hung onto a funny stuffed animal for over 40 years as my evidence to myself that the hospital visit was true. My parents denied the stuffed animal had been given to me at that time, but I knew it. After over 40 years of denying, two of my siblings confronted them and they admitted to the event. I was finally able to let the stuffed animal go. I no longer needed the evidence for my own sanity. It helped me understand why I hung onto somethings even when it was completely illogical to do so. I also learned to do my own homework and research. As others have stated, I’ve worked hard to make a habit of not revealing a lot of information about myself. If they don’t know, they can’t use it against me. I also share information with others I trust, as “backup.” My sister and I learned to compare notes and discovered how we were each told something different and it was always in the interest of isolating us. I even remember one time when the narcissist berated me for sharing something she’d told me. “The conversation was private.” It required a lot of work on my part to overcome the “guilt” of telling others. Silence is not golden to anyone but the abuser.

  13. My husband, when confronted with withholding information will say “I would have told you if I thought you cared”.
    ….The manipulation is too much!!!

    • MS

      …I would have told you if ________ (reason always my fault).

      • Hope Always

        Same here..everything is my fault. My husband and i can never resolve anything because i ask too many questions, say something the wrong way,and manipulate him ..oh..and.. i am abusive when I call my husband on his behavior and threats that me makes…this is how my husband views me.

        How do we take care of ourselves in our marriages when leaving isnt an option at this time?

  14. Another post and comments that reveal the truth of the crazy-making in so many of my relationships. The extended abusive relationships would never have had a chance to grow if the man I married had protected me instead of hiding in the shadows until he was confident I had ‘no support system’. My counselors have told me that many are deceived by the quiet ones — they can be the most manipulative. “Thank you Lord for finally helping me to stop defending ‘the sin’ by providing ministries that untwist Scripture and what abuse is.”

    • Janet

      You don’t have to! Its time to restore your life and your sanity! If you can, its time to leave your narcissist, walk away and do not look back.

  15. MS

    Omg. I dont want to live this way.

  16. sue

    Dear Pastor Dave and Friends, had a thought the other day. Narcs are the in-your-face representation of what the unsaved world is all about. i used to think the Lord was being over-the-top when He described the unsaved and worldly pursuits in His Bible.

  17. Rachel

    Interestingly (or serendipitously ) the readings for the Mass yesterday were Jude 1: 20-25 and Mark 11:27-33. Jude says “but there are others to whom you must be kind with great caution, keeping your distance even from outside clothing which is contaminated by vice.”

    This is clearly an admonition not to reveal all information to all parties.

    And in Mark, Jesus refuses to answer the questions of the Pharisees, asking them a question of His own and concluding, “Nor will I tell you my authority for acting like this” when they rare fuse to answer Him.
    He know that they were not to be trusted with important information.
    And if that’s good enough for the Son of God, it’s good enough for us! We take our lead from Him.

    A good and wise priest said to me soon after my NH had left and I was trying to speak with H still about the faith, that the phrase “pearls before swine” came to him. He advised me not to continue to try to share spiritual wisdom with my NH, sensing that it was a treasure that was being wasted on him.

  18. Janet

    Dear Dave Orisson, I am in a really bad way. I fo not know how to heal from the wounds of a narcissist best friend who has been confronted, was told that I have witnesses but will not see or take responsibility for the pain she caused and the wrongs she has done. We ended the relationship half a year ago and I simply cannot heal. I am required by the Truth to forgive. I need a boat load of grace to forgive this one who will never repent or admit any wrong doing but says its all my twisted perception of her. I am losing my faith rapidly.
    I don’t know what to do.

    • Penny

      Janet–most of us here can identify with your pain & heartache & confusion. We get it. This is a safe community to vent and share and grow.

      I would encourage you to do 3 things:
      1.) Search thru this blog, using the search bar at the top. Type in a word or two, like “cannot heal”, “forgiveness”, “repentance”, “reconciliation”….and a variety of former posts and responses will show up. Read them–ALL of them! Read Pastor Dave, and read the comments–they will be a salve to your wounds. Pastor Dave has gracious and strong words here….for the hurting, the confused, the abused, the downtrodden believer whose faith is shaken and close to being shattered. (Believe me–when I found his blog a few years ago I was so broken that I was close to suicide.) Many of the comments here are from fellow travelers on this crazy-making road of narcs.
      2. You can also private email Dave, following the “contact us” link at the top. He is very good about replying (not instant, but he will). He is careful, thoughtful, wise and when necessary, sometimes blunt…but always gracious & loving.
      3. Be kind to yourself—healing is beyond tough after this kind of abuse; learn about what forgiveness REALLY is, and about repentance. Forgiveness does NOT require you to reconcile. Some of the posts here speak to that, as do many comments.

      You made it here by the grace of God directing your steps, so you are strong enough to get this far. Stay, read, learn, pray, read, learn. pray.

  19. Rachel

    Sending love and prayers to you Janet. Penny is right that this is a safe place, and the advice is excellent and truthful.
    Blessings x

    • Janet

      Thank you Rachel! I have read the suggestions from Penny and I HAVE experienced a considerable amount of healing already!

      • Rachel

        That is really good to hear! Praise you Lord ! God sends us many people to bring His love and grace to us, sometimes from very unexpected places. One thing I have found over my journey is that we often look for this among familiar friends and family members but sometimes they are not a source of grace to us and we can be surprised where this actually comes from. Don’t miss it by looking in the wrong place!
        Still praying for you! Blessings x

  20. contendingearnestly

    Just reading through this blog and the replies has brought so much healing and affirmation to me. I am in the middle of a divorce after being married to a N for 41 yrs. Not a single day went by in all the years of our marriage that I wasn’t abused, lied to, and/or lied about. My husband had multiple indiscretions, which, of course, he repeatedly denied and turned it back around on me.

    He would tell other men, with a smirk on his face, “Deny, deny, deny, if you can’t prove it, you can’t prove it!”, and, “Never tell your wife everything you’ve got.”. He was so proud of his deception. After years of abuse, lies, cheating, venereal diseases, and more denial, the other woman became my sister. He finally broke me. For the next 3 years he lied, denied erased his phone calls/texts, got a secret phone, repeatedly insisting there was nothing going on with my sister, while I pleaded for him to please stop, get counselling etc.

    I wasn’t sure if I was going crazy but I decided I was going to prove something! I became a detective. I figured out how to access his email, phone records, credit card records, multiple (6) dating sites and anything else I could figure out how to access. In the long run I proved multiple “inappropriate relationships”, as he liked to call them, including my sister. He liked to say, “they maybe inappropriate, but I didn’t ‘do’ anything with them!

    In the process I also found a large amount of hidden assets. Then I got a credit card (I wasn’t allowed to have a card or access to any of our accounts of any kind), and hired a detective to follow him and do the things I couldn’t. He also got a new secret IPhone thinking that would throw me off but all it did was give me access to the ‘find my phone’ app so I could track him and tell the detective where he was.

    After I had a plethora of proof of his infidelity with multiple women I changed the locks, packed all of his belongings in garbage bags and told him he could pick them up in the garage via a text on his secret ‘John Do’ phone, (that’s what he called it).

    When I enumerated all of the proof I had of his infidelity, pictures, phone records, satellite snapshots of where he was, when, for how long and how many overnights he spent with other women etc., etc., etc., all he had to say was, “But you can’t prove I screwed her!”. My response to that was, “Well, I certainly can be glad of that, I wouldn’t want pictures of that in my head!”

    He moved on immediately, didn’t miss a beat. I grieved and grieved and grieved some more. I doubted myself, beat myself up for being sneaky and spying on him, felt like a failure as a wife and a Christian. Then I got some counselling, plugged back into a good church and I am healing.

    We have been going through the divorce process for 2 1/2 yrs. He has bullied and manipulated, I have resisted and refused to play his game. We are now so close to the end but he decided he wasn’t happy with the settlement he originally agreed to a month ago. So, one more hearing this week. I know it is a control issue, the only reason he is refusing to settle is because he supposedly wants more stuff in the garage, stuff he previously didn’t care about (really it’s nothing worth caring about).

    I really do know it’s all about feeling like he’s in control and winning. This is war and I am the enemy. He tells everyone I’m crazy and he’s been victimized by me, which really is nothing new, it doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it used to.

    I am healing and finding freedom from the bondage I lived under for so long. I am finally actually beginning to look forward to the future. I still don’t know what kinds of things I like, what I might like to do or where I might like to go because I have spent my life following my husband and focusing on his happiness, which was forever illusive.

    I have rambled and there is so much more to my story, but, what I know for sure is that God is good! The Lord is the One who is always faithful and trustworthy! I am looking forward to serving my Lord in ways that never would have been possible before.

    • contendingearnestly — Thank you for sharing. I understand the feeling like you are rambling because I have often felt that way. Maybe it’s because of all the years of contending and like you said, there is so much more. 😦
      My spouse was not openly sleeping around, etc but his lack of empathy and using me for his sexual fantasies broke me; especially when his parents now deceased encouraged him to be a very private person about his past which included other women and also unfaithfulness while we were courting.
      I am still here almost 40 yrs; live separately in the same house. He has finally used me and now spit me out. Sadly, the selfishness of my adult children have them favoring him.
      I continue to pray for a church home that would protect my emotions and help me. I am too untrusting to attempt another lawyer as my last one backed out on me.
      ((hugs)) to you and many others who are grieving and healing. I must confess to being very tired but thankful that the Lord sustains me each day.

      • contendingearnestly

        healinginhim, I will pray you find a good church home, I understand how it becomes hard to trust others.

        One of my biggest fears has always been my husband turning my kids against me. My kids are adults now and tell me they know who their dad really is, but I also know how charming he can be and how convincing his lies can be. I see him continually plying them with gifts, promises and fake love and approval, which my kids crave from him. It is scary, but I am trusting God.

        I also know what it’s like to feel trapped with no way of escape. My husband always made sure I had no freedom and no access to money to make sure I had no way of escape. I continued to trust God and after all these years He gave me the courage to break free. But in the mean time He gave me what I needed for each day.

      • Thank you for your prayers. In all of this; may the Lord be glorified! ❤

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