Comments!

It’s Narcissist Friday!     

 

I am in the middle of some big (good and exciting) family things and have little time to write.  However, as I read the latest comment from LetItGo, I was struck by how much wisdom and encouragement you have to give to each other.  So I would strongly encourage you to read that comment and others.  Many have been through similar struggles and there can be comfort in knowing that your emotions are neither wrong nor unusual.

You won’t agree with everything in the comments.  That’s okay.  But give a word of encouragement to those who have written and listen to their stories.  In so many ways, their words will touch you.

And know that I am praying for all of you.

 

Dave

29 Comments

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29 responses to “Comments!

  1. Julie

    Hi Yes he has done it again, my whole life seems to revolve in forgiveness over his antics. I still live on my own with my daughter, but again he has managed to worm his self into our lives with promises. Just found out he joined face book in 2010, no crime i suppose until my elder daughter spotted a photograph of my young daughter with him on the photo. problem is he has used a false identity, name, lives and where he works and claimed he works in a university in London has a Professor ha ha he is actually a painter and decorater and lives in a pokey house in the backwaters. he also claimed to be single. the lady in question had just had is baby which he also denied and made excuses not to do an DNA test. yes the baby is gorgeous and the spit of him also on his facebook was a picture of the women he slept with in hospital after just giving birth. His last post was in March 2014 with her. do not want to be in the position of offering forgiveness to this person anymore and has far as i am concerned he doesn’t deserve mine anymore.

  2. Julie

    I want to add to my post above that I do not think that I am any different in terms of falling short in the eyes of our Lord Jesus, and being saved has anything to do with me being a better person than my x, but when he abused me, stole from me, lied to me, gaslighted me and lots of other things, I know that it is our Lord Jesus Christ who can only truly forgive my x, as I have eventually learned to place it all at his feet and without the Lords presence in his life he would continue to do all these things to me until the day I died. I know now the Lord Jesus intended to give me a life
    to live and not has a shadow of my former self to serve my x has the God of my life. Do I feel bitter, angry etc. Not anymore today I feel free, could smile and thank the Lord that that he stopped me getting on the same old merry go round like I did for the last 12 years or more. I have I come out stronger yes, yes . yes.

    • never alone

      Yes! When Christ healed the sick man who lay for 38 years by the pool called Bethesda, he picked up his mat and walked. The man went away well… he didn’t return to the pool to dwell with the other sick, blind, lame and withered souls.

      • Julie

        yes I agree, how i would love for my x to recognise his sickness and receive healing and this is what i would pray for……..

  3. A shout out to all survivors of Narcissistic abuse, whether it be by a parent or spouse, or some other relationship.
    We are worthy of all good things my dears.so don’t give up on life or Love.
    Let The One who Loves us best (God) define who you are. He designed you after all. ❤
    A suggestion, maybe it might be possible to create a chat section of this blog page. so that we all may have a place to reach out to the rest of the community of like minds here.
    Be Blessed all, and Thank You ALL for being a Blessing to me.

  4. Sickened by the violence in my city, heartbroken for my fellow Dallas residents. The answer isn’t to pick a side, folks. If you’re picking a side, and getting riled up with hate, you’re helping grow the problem. I empathize with and support those who felt led to peacefully protest the violence against black lives. I also admire and respect our heroes in blue. You can do both. If peace is really what you want, you HAVE to do both. I am suprised at the visceral reaction I am having today. And it continues to build inside my heart. We think these things are only things that happen to others, in other places, until they come crawling into our year and through our windows. It is time to stand up and say ENOUGH. Stand for the oppressed, broken hearted and downtrodden. Say I support those who lay their lives down each day to protect us at their own peril. Yet speak out against those who use their authority wrongly to build themselves up and feel powerful. Today I am having the need to hug everyone I encounter- the wife of the police man accross the street, the black teen walking alone, the check out person at the grocery store. I know the change has to start with me!!

  5. Julie

    Yes the Lord lifts us up and we should help lift others. A chat section sounds good. God bless you as well..

  6. I hate to complain but...

    Grappling with reality

    I’m almost 55 years old. I was the first born of 4, the only girl to teenagers who decided to make a go of it and prove the world wrong. My mother was just 16, my father 17.

    I used to joke that it was a tough job raising my parents and my brothers but someone had to do it. But, it’s really not very funny. While blindsided by continued aggressive emotional and physical abuse from my earliest life recollections, someone had to of raised me. Or did they?

    My father died very young over a decade ago. It was a long-term suffering. I felt in many ways, while it was happening, that he brought it on himself. And maybe he did. I loved my dad, but was relieved when he died, feeling that the abuse was ended, it was finished.

    When my father passed my siblings and mother were all present at the hospital. It was peaceful, and almost beautiful. He had suffered so long from several ailments. The pain was gone. His face expressed it. My mother said he looked 20 years younger. She was right.

    I walked with my mother from his bedside. Before we left the ICU my mother said to me, “I wonder if this will affect my inheritance.” I didn’t know what she was talking about so I asked. She restated the question, “I wonder if I will still inherit money from his parents.”

    I had just attended my grandfather’s funeral two days earlier.

    I was shocked. Death of your husband can’t be easy. I determined I was listening to the hysterical words of a grieving widow, despite the fact she was acting completely rational. I shrugged it off, we had more funeral arrangements to tend to.

    That cold-hearted statement from my mother was just the beginning of a new chapter in a lifelong nightmare. I was, in essence, traversing a new dimension down a familiar but foreign corridor back into the world of perpetual insanity.

    Do narcissists mourn? Do they grieve? Do they love?

    Up until a few months ago I didn’t understand the true meaning of the word narcissist. I didn’t know what they were capable of. I didn’t know what gaslighting was. I didn’t know they fed off the suffering of others. I didn’t know that the calm and maturity my mother exhibited during those ensuing months before my father’s death was not a sign or evidence that she finally grew up, healed, became the person my father had prevented her from becoming, but rather just a symptom of malignant narcissism at the feeding trough.

    Her peace and satisfaction lasted awhile. I took care of her. I supported her. I felt sorry for her. Even when she decided to victimize my sister in-law mercilessly, blaming her for everything, nonsensically, I defended her. I apologized for her. I made excuses for her. But I also admitted that I was glad it wasn’t me she targeted because I knew the abuse intimately, was surprised she hadn’t targeted me, apologized that it wasn’t me.

    My sister in-law survived. My mother got over it. She married again. He is a nice guy. No children. Lots of money. He too was a recent widow. Her neighbor actually. Humble. Believes my mother is the best thing that ever happened to him. We welcomed him with open arms. I was grateful for the union. I was no longer responsible for her.

    He moved into my mother’s house where my mother devoted rooms to my father, shrines. She reclaimed the master bedroom, but her new husband was not allowed to sleep with her.

    Whatever turns your crank right? Not my monkeys, not my circus right?

    I was on my second marriage. And it wasn’t good. Somehow I had managed to align myself with another narcissist. We had a child who was now 8. I have two children from the previous marriage. Now adults. Both military. Both had been deployed to Iraq.

    At my father’s funeral, my oldest son offered to take my youngest for the rest of the weekend as he and his wife and two small children (my wonderful grand babies) were going to an amusement park the following day. I agreed thinking it was a good opportunity for healing. When my husband found out about it he had a temper tantrum. He was making such a spectacle of himself I took him out to the parking lot to calm him down.

    So there I am, in the parking lot dealing with a nonsensical man, ten years my senior, trying to reason with him like a toddler, at my father’s funeral, still reeling from my grandfather’s death.

    No time to mourn. No time to cry. My husband had not, not even once, visited my father on his death bed. I was alone, offering support and comfort to everyone.

    Who comforted me? Who hugged me? Who let me cry on their shoulder? Don’t be ridiculous. Any need I might have had was imaginary. My responsibility was to keep peace and put up a good show.

    Do narcissists mourn? Do they have empathy? Can they love?

    After my father died my husband and I convinced my mother to park her motor home at our cabin. Not just a cabin. The place my husband worshipped and retreated to every weekend, rain, snow, sleet, and shine, come hell or high water. He sacrificed everything to do it.

    It was fine till my mother got married. Her and her new husband came and went as they pleased. My mother had went from being a 16 year old to a twelve year old and her husband indulged her. My mother became suspicious of me seducing her husband. I was publicly ridiculed for wearing seductive clothing, flaunting my body in front of him. I can’t even dignify it with response or defense.

    I subsequently contracted Lyme’s disease. My husband offered no support or sympathy. He treated me as if I was faking it. My doctor refused to even test me for it. I lost all mobility in my right arm. I went from doctor to doctor till finally, 18 months later, an infectious disease doctor confirmed the disease. Thousands of dollars later I was treated with a prescription that cost less than six dollars. But by then it was too late. I have chronic Lyme.

    In the meantime my mother offered sadistic comfort, pointing out that I was physically just like my father and that I would find health and be pain free in heaven.

    My please for help, to get out of my horrible marriage, a temporary home for me and my son went unheard, despite the fact my new step-father’s home stood empty, despite the fact I offered to pay rent, despite the fact my father and mother put their home in my name alone before he died.

    My mother truly enjoyed watching me suffer, and pulled up a front row seat. Gardening, my only respite, was stolen from me, because she was watching me and made it quite clear she was doing so. I couldn’t wear summer clothes lest she accuse me of being a seductress, and when I wore overalls she informed me how slow and sick I was.

    I stopped going to the cabin. I quit gardening. I cut off all contact with my mother. I moved my son into my daughter’s house his senior year. I left my husband. I regained my health by walking. I tried to put on ten miles a day, 50 miles a week. Despite the pain and the affects of now incurable Lyme’s, I removed myself from the toxic presence of people I am supposed to love and honor until I die. I saved my own life. Or did I? Against all Christian convention, I just left the scene.

    I had been my mother’s whipping girl my entire life. My father was her psychopathic henchman, who would do anything to shut her up and make her happy including beat me, even in front of my children.

    My now ex husband was physically and emotionally abusive. They both wanted me dead. I didn’t know why. I didn’t care.

    In my twilight I found love. A man who listens, believes, comforts, protects, plays, laughs, encourages, is patient and kind. I married him.

    Lyme’s flared. This time affecting my left arm. But this time I have someone who cares.

    I brought my mother back into my life with his encouragement. It was fine at first. But then my father’s mother died. And it all started again. My mother went nuts, got abusive, and obsessed with inheritance that she didn’t have a right to, drawing all the attention unto herself, creating drama, not letting anyone mourn. The result? None of my brothers, nieces or nephews showed up at the funeral. My mother and stepfather showed up.
    She called me up one evening in a rage screaming at me about how negative, demented, and angry I am. She was “upset” about a paragraph I had posted on Facebook about forgiving, forgetting, and not letting toxic people rewrite your history. It was, to be honest, about my ex. But she insisted it was about her and got even more hysterical when I said it wasn’t. She demanded to know who abused me. Was it my brothers? My cousins? Who? I listened in stunned silence. It was so loud my husband could hear it over the phone. She said she was sick of me and was afraid people would figure it out.

    I hung up on her.

    That was before I figured out my mother had been the biggest abuser of all. I had been in denial. My psyche was flooded with long forgotten suppressed memories of her lies, the physical abuses, sexual abuses, emotional abuses, financial abuses, spiritual abuses, by her, perpetuated by her, fostered by her, and hidden by her.

    I closed my Facebook account.

    My stepfather bought her a motor home. She went directly to my new husband (all of one month) with a text message and asked him if they could park it on our farm and provide hook ups. He didn’t respond.

    I’m back on zero contact with her. My husband saw “it” first hand. He heard “it” first hand. She’s insane. She’s a malignant narcissist with a severe personality disorder. She won’t change. And I won’t forgive because I can’t forget because she won’t let me.

    And now I know I have been a victim of severe narcissistic abuse nearly all my life. My husband supports me fully. I am not crazy. It’s not in my head.

    You can’t divorce your mother, but you can turn the other cheek and walk away. I had to. My very survival depends upon it. I do not have the physical or emotional strength to endure continued abuse. I cannot be a martyr. I cannot set myself on fire to keep my mother warm. It is not my responsibility to forgive her. I can’t save her.

    And still, I love her. It was the last thing I said to her. I think of her everyday. I mourn still for the loss of my father, grandfather and grandmother, husbands, father’s to my children, families that broke apart, and a childhood that never happened. Mine. I mourn my losses everyday. But somewhere in this is peace. The end of chaos is in sight.

    Do narcissists mourn? Probably not.

    • Janet

      Wow!!! This is really powerful!! Thank you for sharing, “I hate to complain, but…”!!
      I am glad you finally got out!!
      And yes, oddly enough, it is quite possible to still love our Ns, yet absolutely must maintain zero contact for our own safety.

  7. Kitkat

    Here is a link to an article that I think might be helpful in understanding the many techniques that narcissists use on people. Pastor Dave has spoken about all of these at one time or another but they are listed here with a brief description. Hope it helps. God bless you all, you are not alone!

    http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

  8. MicroGal

    Dave, where is the comment from LetItGo you were talking about?

  9. Carrie

    Thank you for calling our attention to that comment. It was very well done and exactly what I needed. I am in the middle…well I say middle…I hope at least middle of a divorce. Over 2 years in with no cooperation from the other side. He has been telling lies about me and our children and playing the victim to his friends and family. I try not to let it bother me, but it does bother me, especially the lies that make people look at my children as if they have no right to define the reality they live. They are 11 and 17. They are not toddlers and they have every right to be truthful and not feel shamed when they are legitimately angry with their father over his behavior, past and present. It is hard to get kids to understand that forgiveness and reconciliation are not necessarily the same and need not go hand in hand. They need the peace that forgiveness gives, but are not old enough or mature enough to be able to choose no contact when he still has legal rights.
    Just taking one day at a time right now.

  10. Diana

    I’m more than a little confused this morning. James 3:9 says, “With [our mouths] we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God.” Am I not grieving the Holy Spirit if I abhor and condemn the insensitive and wrongful actions of my N? How do I justify my disdain for his hurtful actions as a malignant N, and still maintain my focus to live a life worthy of God’s praise? How can my lips be pure and free from sin when I am cursing the one person who I wish were not in my life? I’m trying to reconcile the glaring differences between wanting to live a Godly life and love the sinner, and the anxiety-induced sickness in the pit of my stomach caused by a desire to be as far away from this person as possible. This confusion tests my sanity. However, God is not the author of confusion, so how do I reconcile this scripture as a child of God living with a N husband? He recently told me ‘I lie, that’s just who I am’ and defiantly said I need to deal with it. I was stunned. Why does God allow men like this to continue to walk the earth and cause ruin? Does He really love all sinners? Shouldn’t I?

    • Janet

      Diana, I have been through this very same lune of thinking and the self condeenearly killed my faith completely.
      I even at one pount considered walking into the sea and never coming back, I was so condemned. Over time the Lord began to get through to me that all of thismess was not my fault and my reactions were normal. I just read something a few moments ago, that dares to call Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder what ir is: evil.

      “Narcissism is the first step into the spectrum of mental illness-from there the delusions escalate-until you become a paranoid schizophrenic and pure sociopathic—evil and insanity are synonymous.
      The more evil a person is-the more mentally ill,
      there is no difference.
      Good people live in reality, they care as much about others as they do themselves-
      They do the right thing -not the selfish thing,
      They know that evil begets more evil-and only good begets good, that life is just-because they are just.
      Evil people always use the excuse-that life is unfair-because then they have a right to be unfair too-they don’t think they ever have to pay for their sins-they are atheists, or agnostics or satanists-all three are the same,
      They think in terms of selfishness-and only want the power to control others,-rather than to be controlled by others.
      It would never occur to them to respect others’s right to free will-is the only way to have free will for yourself.
      To love others and make them happy is the only way to be happy and loved.
      They are violent, yet accuse others of violence-their own sins they pin on others-to get away with murder.
      They manipulate-they use lies as weapons-they have no regard for the truth,
      and never admit their wrongs,
      these people end up in Hell after death-everyone in Hell is insane/evil.
      They had no conscience-about how they treated others-only they themselves were of any importance,
      people such as that can’t dwell in heaven-or it would turn into a Hell.
      You are judged after death on how you loved others and yourself (it eventually becomes one and the same)
      Only those who make life heavenly for others are welcome in Heaven.
      People on earth do not care who else they harm-as long as they themselves profit-(capitalism)
      The Universe is fair and balanced, what you make of yourself in this life-is your heaven or hell in the afterlife.
      You make for yourself your own afterlife-it is the mirror of what you are-by the time you die-good or evil
      The problem is the mentally ill think evil is good-and good is of no value to them in that case.
      It is sad that people value material things-physical beauty, status and power and money, things that do will exist in the afterlife-that are not really you-they are just what you identify with-false pride.
      If your ego is based on those things and you judge your own self worth by them-that is narcissism.
      Then your afterlife will be hell-where none of those things exist to cover up (narcissism) the real truth of what you are.
      Evil people never see the truth of their own inner evil,
      They only judge their temporary superficiality-they see themselves as their temporary earthly ego-crap.
      All that matters to a good person is their conscience, truth and Love-trying to make the world and themselves better.
      Evil only destroys others to get what it wants for itself.
      The Rich and powerful are pure evil-and evil is the same as insane.”

      • Janet

        I meant “condemnation”

      • Diana

        Janet thank you for your encouragement.

      • Savedbygrace

        Hi Janet- you have thought through so many things and have given me lots of food for thought.Thankyou.
        A few things I would like to add to the mix if I may?
        I would like to affirm that
        *a person can be rich and not evil- I know some generous rich people who bless others with their wealth.
        * a person can be powerful and not evil- we are encouraged to pray for godly leaders. I think there is a strong temptation for people to misuse power but we are blessed when a person uses their position of power for good
        * a person can be mentally ill and not evil. It is very difficult for people to suffer from mental illness and then also bear the stigma that it is somehow their fault. I believe we need to have compassionate attitudes and actions towards people living with mental illness- chances are some reading this either have suffered or will suffer from some form of mental illness.It is nothing to be ashamed of.
        * finally I believe the Bible teaches that there is none ‘good enough’ to be able to live in God’s heaven… that is why Jesus came, died to pay for our sins and that if we repent and believe,we are made new- with His spirit living in us , changing our thoughts and attitudes and actions so that we can live godly lives- faith in Jesus is what will guarantee acceptance when we stand before God.
        God bless you Janet x

    • Savedbygrace

      HI Diana, I’m sorry you are going through all this, but getting a handle on it is essential so that you can get your balance back again. James is writing to believers to tell us what living the Christian life will/should look like- he says you need faith plus works- they just go together otherwise a person is just kidding themselves about truly belonging to God. You haven’t mentioned if your h claims to be a Christian? If so- his defiant attitude to lieing is telling you something, is his ‘works’/way of life matching up to his profession of faith?
      So in Chapter 3 James is looking at how we speak – and gives many warnings and ultimately, that the tongue can be a ‘deadly poison’ ( 3:8) so this is where vs 9 comes in- we cannot claim to have faith and be praising God one moment and shouting curses the next- they are incompatible just like fresh water and salt water.. so eg if someone was to be singing at church but on the way home was swearing at their spouse or bad mouthing someone, then that is not compatible with truly being a person of faith.
      You, on the other hand are describing the godly action of calling out your husband on his evil deeds ( read one of the gospels and you will see Jesus doing this very thing with the Pharisees!) I think you honour the Holy Spirit within you by staying grounded in the reality of what is good and what is evil. Colossians 3 urges us to put to death the evil practices of our earthly nature and lieing is specifically mentioned in vs 9. There follows a picture of godly living- regardless of how your h chooses to live , you can live a life to God’s glory. Romans 12 : 17-19 exhorts us to not pay back evil for evil but to leave room for God’s wrath – “Vengence is mine, I will repay” says God.
      Hope this helps- I find it is enough for me to make sure I am living faithfully and part of that has meant to remove myself from the harm of an abusive marriage- but I leave my husband’s state/faith between him and God- it’s not my business and it only drags me down.
      Take care x

      • Carrie

        I can appreciate that we must be compassionate towards those that are mentally ill…though, the thought crossed my mind that “mentally ill” is a human term and I wonder how God would determine who is in fact “mentally ill”. From my experience with the Narcissist in my life, and what I have determined from research and speaking to others with this same issue, their problem stems from denial which is a choice. Yes, they are mentally disordered but not choosing to deal in truth was their choice. Now, some narcissists may be mentally ill in addition to being narcissists, but I would not term “narcissism” as a mental illness that I would need to compensate for or give special treatment for. This would bring you right back to the slippery slope and allow for more abuse. Just wanting to throw that out because I have been down this road…

  11. Julie

    It also says in the Lord’s good book if your arm causes you to sin cut it off it is better to have one arm and not sin than have two arms and continue in that sin, well something on those lines as my understanding. It took many years but I believe this was the case for me cut it off and sin no more.

  12. Savedbygrace

    I agree Carrie- Narcissists make choices and are fully responsible for those choices and it is unhelpful to make excuses for them..
    my comment was just intended to guard against labelling people who do have mental illness as evil

    • Janet

      Oh, ok.

      Sorry for the post.

      • Janet

        Some of us have had to pay and pay and pay for the mistake of unknowingly falling into a relationship with a person who has NPD. I didn’t even KNOW there was such a condition until I was already involved. I have born ALL for years, like many here. I HAVE HAD an ABUNDANCE of compassion. I HAVE forgiven over and over and over and over and over again, only to be continually heaped with blame.
        Like many here, I seek comfort because I SIMPLY CANNOT HEAL.
        So please, try to consider, if Ns CHOOSE to not take any responsibility for wrongs done and the pain they have caused, what is that?

      • dombeckblog

        I think narcissism, the condition, is evil. The narcissist may not be, but they act evil. It’s just a label, a category, that enables individuals to communicate with each other about it. Whether or not the “alleged” narcissist is a Christian, has a mental illness, or is condemned to hell because they are demon is really here nor there for the sake of our communucations. It’s up to God to decide eternal fate. As a victim of abuse, it’s up to you to decide when, where and how the abuse stops. You won’t heal until it stops. Quit beating yourself up because you need the abuse to stop and let God deal with the soul of the narcissist.

    • Carrie

      Thought so…just wanted to clarify because I have been down that road of excuses. If one doesn’t work, they will pick another and I have made my own excuses for them. It’s never ending.

  13. Savedbygrace

    Janet, you ask ‘what is that?’ It is abuse.
    My big ah ha moment when considering all this was the realisation that the ‘problems’ in our marriage were not relationship issues but abuse issues- nothing I can do can ‘fix’ it, so I needed to prioritise my/my children’s safety ( physical/psychological/emotional/spiritual) and I also needed to accept that ‘more of the same’ from me was not going to make a difference (eg more loving, more forgiving, more patience, more second chances etc) this was his abusive behaviour and it was his to fix. So I needed to ‘let go’ of my need to fix even though I desperately wanted it fixed! for me that has meant separation, which has provided me with the peace and distance from the drama of the everyday to gain some perspective on the confusion and pain of living with an abusive n. One great resource for healing I can recommend is Daily Wisdom from Why Does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft – it is a book or mp3 -I got the audio version and there is a 2 min session for each day of the year divided into themes: Each new day, Clarity,Surviving to thrive,Healing, Your own best friend, Staying connected. I have found it really informative and empowering and highly recommend it.

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