Hierarchy

It’s Narcissist Friday!     

 

There are many things about narcissism that seem to make no sense. Unless you can see the thinking patterns of the narcissist, the acting patterns may look random and confusing. You find yourself asking, “What in the world is this now?”

I don’t think I have ever met a self-employed narcissist. I suppose they might be out there, but most of them seem to work for companies or organizations. (Of course, a narcissist could own a company and consider himself self-employed, but I am referring to someone who actually works by himself.)  It would seem that they would like to work by themselves; after all, no one else will ever measure up. But narcissists don’t like working by themselves—because they actually would have to do the work.

No, the narcissist secretly loves the hierarchy of an organization or a business. They like structures they can see and understand. I have noted before how the narcissist can walk into a room and instantly categorize every person present. They know instinctively who is worth knowing and who can be ignored. They know which person has power and which does not. And they like knowing these things. These things are important to them.

I know that narcissists chafe in a hierarchy, unless they are at the top. They struggle with authority. They want to be the ones who are noticed and admired. If there is a “totem pole,” the narcissist hates having anyone higher. They are usually vocal about their frustrations.

At the same time, the hierarchy structure establishes the game plan for the narcissist. Knowing what the ladder looks like and how to move up sets the goals and strategy for the narcissist. The newly hired narcissist will understand that system better than most of those who have been with the organization for a long time. While the rest of the people just do their jobs, the narcissist is focused on climbing that ladder.

There are other things the narcissist likes about hierarchy. There is an inherent competition in any hierarchy. From the military to the church to the boardroom, people compete to be noticed and advanced. Narcissists not only love competition, they excel at it. As I have said before, all human interaction is competitive for the narcissist.

In a hierarchical system, rewards are offered as motivation. The reward might be advancement or recognition. The narcissist sees rewards as rightfully his. If someone else is rewarded, they didn’t work as hard as the narcissist and don’t deserve the reward. “Pretty soon,” the narcissist thinks, “that reward will be mine—as it should be.” This competition for rewards gives meaning to the narcissist. Simple work, for the sake of providing for a family or contributing to society, has no value for the narcissist. The only reason to try harder is to receive the reward.

The narcissist knows that two kinds of people get noticed in a hierarchy: the shining light and the squeaky wheel. If the narcissist cannot be the best, he/she will be the most critical. This is easily seen in organizations like the church. If the narcissist cannot be the most spiritual person because of superior service or knowledge, then he will be the most spiritual because he sees and points out the faults in others. It doesn’t matter to the narcissist that people like him; what matters is that they know him and respect him. He wants attention; he doesn’t really know what to do with love. Admiration is more important than gratitude. Besides, others will give love and gratitude when he reaches the top. On the way up, he just needs to be noticed.

Hierarchies also offer a clear system of authorities and servants. Those above are authorities; those below are servants. The narcissist will move quickly into any kind of leadership, just to have servants. She will become the leader of the committee, and the others will do the work. It will be clear that she is a leader. Soon, she will be head over a department, then the organization. Her servants will make this both possible and pleasurable.

Because everyone is vulnerable in a system based on performance, which almost all hierarchical groups are, the narcissist’s inadequacy is covered. Narcissists are notoriously poor at actually doing their jobs. They are great at getting others to do their work, and they excel in offering excuses or explanations for inferior work. We might expect that the narcissist would be especially vulnerable in a hierarchical system where everyone is watching. But that is exactly what covers the narcissist—everyone is watching everyone. Any failure, any compromise, any indiscretion can be exploited, and no one knows the dirt on others like the narcissist. The narcissist will be able to use the dirt of others to cover his own dirt. Timely comments, veiled threats, anonymous reports, ominous hints—these are weapons in the narcissist’s arsenal. Many people can relate how a narcissist climbed the ladder of the hierarchy simply because everyone was too compromised to confront him.

I understand that narcissists consistently complain about whatever hierarchies they are part of. They really do chafe under authority and struggle with the weaknesses they see in others. But they love the game. Notice what kinds of jobs narcissists have. Notice what kinds of churches and organizations they join. They need the challenge of being noticed in a group, of rising above others. A simple place where people care about each other and believe their work to be of value would be boring for the narcissist.

Here’s a short and fun clip I think you will understand and enjoy:

 

 

35 Comments

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35 responses to “Hierarchy

  1. Dombeck

    My ex narc is the consummate Tom Sawyer, getting everyone else to paint the fence. He is self-employed, living under the radar, going through employees and laborers like toilet paper. A “handyman” of sorts, not bonded or licensed, avoiding permits and instructing clients on basic procedures so as to pass inspections as if they did the work themselves. He undercuts the professionals, and gets work. He gets referrals. He is even good at what he does. So is he a narcissist or a sociopath?

    He cannot take being subservient on any level. He also avoids drug tests being self-employed. Not just a narcissist. An outlaw. A gun toting, collecting, drug dealing criminal. I was absolutely terrified of him. Like Dr. Phil says, “What in the hell were you thinking?” I have no excuse. I should have never got involved.

    He seems to have beat the system on every level. He is a superb liar. I hate to disagree with your observations Pastor Dave, but this guy must be the exception and not the rule. A real gem.

    I explained to my divorce lawyers what I we were dealing with. It was an after thought really. I had been out of the house for more than two years. The locks had been changed. I was essentially homeless living with my daughter. Despite decades of marriage, two homes and mountains of hidden assets, I knew I would get nothing. On paper, he looked like a pauper. Even my children said, “Mom, you will get nothing. He will burn the house and cabin down before he gives it to you.” They were right of course. And the team of lawyers essentially agreed.

    I am still bitter/angry. But I escaped in tact, with dignity. I gave up the comfort of my material world. I accepted forced poverty. I am rebuilding my life far, far away from this dangerous man.

    I am remarried to a sober, fun loving, affectionate, sociable, law abiding citizen who appreciates every inch of me. We accept our imperfections and support each other’s dreams and aspirations. We go to drive in movies, take in concerts at the park, and shop at thrift stores and garage sales. New employment, a small town and refurbishing a run down 100-year-old farm house. I am truly blessed. We are blessed. And we never take each other for granted. We are the same age, went to school together, and both lament not ever hooking up before now. It’s bitter sweet.

    You are never too old to start over.

    • First, you are always welcome to disagree. I have a lot to learn and the stories here teach me.

      Second, I don’t see this as a disagreement at all. I have to allow that there are self-employed narcissists, especially people who employ others (as I said in the post). It just makes sense. At the same time, it sounds like your xN competes all day long with authorities and enjoys beating them by his deceptions. He still lives in a hierarchy.

      Thanks for the comment!

      • Dombeck

        Thank you for your response to my comment. You are absolutely right about my xN living in a hierarchy 24/7. Beating the law and authority is how he got his kicks. And of course, on the home front, it was his way or the highway. I chose the latter. Took me long enough…but grateful nonetheless.

      • me

        I encountered someone who purports to work as a freelance translator, but has been blacklisted by a number of translation agencies. I had referred to an agency I do translation work for, and she did very bad work, and insisted that her work was perfect and the agency was in the wrong. They paid her anyway, because they didn’t want a bad review from her, but she lost out on thousands of dollars worth of future work from them. That got me into researching her online presence. I found her listed as a translation scammer, apparently because some of her resume is falsified. She claims to work for companies she’s never done any work for and for ones that have actually blacklisted her. She’s such a clever woman, and if she spent the time she spends on trying to game the system in actual, honest work and was able to learn from her mistakes, she’d do so well.

  2. Anne

    This was a new perspective for me and helped me understand how my ex worked. He was active-duty military for ten years and loved it. I, on the other hand, did not. I asked him to get out after being moved six moves in nine years. It was difficult on our young children too. He tried private practice for a while but didn’t do very well. Then he got a job in academia which proved to be a great fit. He quickly rose through the ranks and got noticed. At the time I thought it was wonderful that he had found his niche.

    We made one more move after our children were grown. He was now a dean and had a lot of responsibility. He worked long hours and kept getting raises. Yet I wondered why people who worked under him didn’t seem to like him very much. I still thought he was Mr. Wonderful. But then he started revealing things about how he operated that I found chilling.

    This is just one example: Another former military guy, who had retired and therefore had higher rank than my husband, was hired at his school. He was tall and self-confident and apparently didn’t understand my husband’s position. One day at a meeting this guy brought up a project that was already in progress and asked specific questions. My ex, who was running the meeting, let him go on and on without telling him that those issues had already been addressed.

    When I asked him why he just didn’t tell the new guy during the meeting that everything was under control he smirked and said, don’t worry, he’ll eventually figure it out and understand who I am. I said that sounded very sneaky to me; he should have just told him upfront. No, he said, I want to watch him as it slowly dawns on him .

    He always bragged to me that he kept such a low profile on campus that most people, even in his own school, didn’t know him. He was actually the second-in-command, comparable to a COO. But he dressed down and stayed in the background, letting people think he was just an average guy.

    Now that I understand covert narcissism I see his behavior so differently than I did before. I used to think he was modest and self-effacing; now I see that he’s actually a conniving, controlling SOB. I also wonder what he has on the people he works with. He has his own secret life as a man on the down-low and I suspect that he knows other people’s secrets and uses that knowledge somehow. I am so glad to be out of my marriage. I don’t know if our children will ever see the truth but I couldn’t take it any more.

  3. Dombeck

    I remember the first time my husband and I passed a state trooper on the road and I didn’t feel enormous anxiety. It was exhilarating to say the least. We weren’t speeding. The fuzz buster wasn’t blaring. He wasn’t carrying a gun, or transporting arms, there wasn’t a gin and tonic hid in a child’s sippy cup, he wasn’t high on dope, or holding drugs. I didn’t study the mirrors looking for cherry lights. I told him how grateful I was.

    My husband later told me it wasn’t until then that he understood the full extent of my former existence married to a criminal. It wasn’t until then did I understand it either. We had been stopped several times. He sprayed ozium. Hid his pistol under the seat. He always talked his way out of a ticket. Every damned time. Just a warning. He even got apologies. Of course I figured I would be punished too, should he ever “get caught”. I watched him get patted down one time. They didn’t find his stash. Again, it seemed to me he was above the law, and I was trapped with his secrets, criminal activity and abuse. It really did a number on my psyche.

    It’s a small thing really, just passing a cop without fear, but it was monumental to me. Just one of the perks of freedom from an emotional terrorist.

  4. Sunflower

    Um, how many farmers do you know? 🙂 🙂

    • I actually thought about farmers when I wrote this. I know many, having lived in rural Iowa for several years, but I couldn’t think of any I would call narcissists.

      Of course, I don’t doubt that there are some. I also know that most narcissists seek this competition. They need to be better than others. I suppose that can happen when farmers get together and compare notes. (The police chief of the little town where I lived made the local coffee shop off limits for his officers because of the negative attitudes of the farmers who gathered there.) But I suspect that those N farmers who actually do work mostly alone find other outlets for the competition. Often they find it at church or within the family, as others have pointed out.

      In general, I found farmers to be hard-working, humble, and kind. Sounds like I knew some good ones!

      • Sunflower

        I was thinking about that some more. Yes, the family and the church are good outlets for this hierarchy game. Really good. We are just finishing harvest. Because one farmer friend is not well and another (BIL to the ill one) has just retired, the three decided to work together this year. It’s been entertaining, to say the least. 🙂 The ill one has never liked to work, so his equipment is in bad shape (his wife has a really good job which supports the farm and his hobbies). He also won’t talk to his family. “My” farmer is a master mechanic who keeps his equipment in top shape, painted, and spit-polished (don’t look at his desk or garage though, or expect a straight answer about financial stuff)…… his family is a mess! Both like to ‘be someone’ in church and have a reputation for ‘not working well with others’. I could go on, but I think it’s a flip side of the same thing.

  5. So I pray continually, because I do love and value, that my ex runs right up against/ trips over the Rock of God’s Holiness and Word and passionate Presence and awesome Authirity to break his headlong rush into the “…I know God says… BUT I want….” plunge into Hell. His name is Ervin if anyone wants to pray for him.

  6. Psycholobitch

    Hierarchy can mean family too. My ex-n is very enmeshed in his family, also self-employed for the most part, and work harder at hiding income than he actually works. He has taken 5 vacations this year (including two to Florida and one to Belize) yet claims to only make 30K a year. Of course he is well funded by his family. But because of the severity of the enmeshment, he does not need to seek out an organization. I don’t think he has enough skills or savvy to manage being in an organization and being successful. He has been stultified by his dependency on his family and his tendency to use women for their money. He keeps taking me to court to avoid child support obligations, which basically asks the court to make me and the kids foot the bill for his selfishness. In other words, he is asking us to put him on welfare. No pride in himself whatsoever, and no shame for these actions. He is becoming more successful due to his endless funding from his parents and his free time to work on legally bullying me. His family bubble, which I compare to the “Borg”, provides everything he needs. They are all a den of snakes…all of them are narcs, and his mother holds the purse strings, controlling as puppeteer.

  7. Penny

    Perhaps this explains to some degree why narcissists marry & have families: they enjoy the “hierarchy” of “family” structure, not to mention the cultural & religious pressures that cause family members to appease them, honor them and elevate them while not requiring them to actually do the work of caring & providing for a family.
    The child of a narcissist suffers for a lifetime, the spouse of a narc wrestles with escape and the rest of the family blames the targets for upsetting the hierarchy.

    • Dombeck

      Penny, I’m stuck on your last paragraph. “The child of a narc suffers a lifetime.” It is maddening but true. You can’t really escape parents. No matter how old you are. I’m stuck because I don’t want to accept it. Even if you don’t have contact, or even if they are deceased, those wounds don’t ever fully heal. Not only do you need to keep those wounds cleaned, you need to be vigilant and learn not to allow other narcissistic people into your “bubble.”

      For some, well for me, with more than half my life lived, I didn’t know the full ramifications of narcissist abuse, let alone what a real narcissist is. And even now that I do, (maybe just scratching the surface) it’s easy to fall into old patterns of self-abuse, and thinking somehow I am responsible–particularly when I became the victim of spousal abuse. “What is it about me that attracts these toxic people?” Or “Why am I attracted to toxic people?” The temptation to beat myself up is always in the shadows.

      I’ve long prayed for the gift of discernment. This site is a gift. Thank you–everyone.

      • Penny

        I understand, Dombeck. Been there, done that got the T-shirt.
        Keep coming here, keep reading & learning–it’s tough but you WILL get there.
        One thing that has helped me (and I have been at this for over 40 years, so believe me, I’m no hero nor a quick learner, ha ha) is to start viewing myself as a “target” rather than a “victim”.
        I AM certainly a victim, but that small change in semantics gave me strength & dignity.
        To be a “target” means I can change & grow & run & avoid detection & establish boundaries. I can escape.
        To be a “victim” felt like I had no choices, few options & things would never change. And that WAS true for a long long time…but not anymore. Not now.
        I developed a keen eye, a discerning spirit & a steel spine. You will too.
        Stay strong. Let’s pray for each other, wherever we may be.
        Hugs~

    • Penny, I love what you said in your last comment about thinking of yourself as a target, not a victim!! I read that and got so excited, I could almost hear an angel choir singing the hallelujah chorus!!

  8. Having head stories from other family members affected by my manipulative mother i still some times struggle accepting it and think only if I explain it to her once more… but that once more could mean that it takes me over the edge and it harms my health like it did those other family members so been no contact for around two years now and things are getting better and trauma is being replaced with longer periods of peace and compassion for myself and for those who really need help.

  9. Broken-n-hopeless

    Thank you so much for helping me realize I am not crazy. My ex Narc is relentless – he plays on my insecurities and believe me I have them. I can’t seem to get him to leave me alone, he finds some way to reach me. He plays on my insecurities and needs. He does nothing but blame shift everything to me. He refuses to take responsibility for anything that happened in our relationship. My biggest problem is I want to see the good in everyone. I believe there is good in everyone. I have lost so much to my Ex. I need help, it is so hard. But please keep the post coming, each one makes me realize that it isn’t me. That I am not the one that is crazy. Not to say I am not broken, but I know it isn’t all me.

    • One of the main traits of abusers seems to be that they project what they are feeling onto the victim and call the victim crazy and unstable…. they seems to be very similar in their behaviour and games. do you have a support group in your church or your community. you say he is your ex so what is the reason you are in contact with him, do you have children together ? Personally i keep my phone switched off or on silent, landline unplugged or on voice mail, abusers email blocked, no social media and no contact with anyone who is in contact with the abuser. Focusing on looking after myself and helping those who really need my help when i can and chose to help.

      • Broken-n-hopeless

        He is holding hostage a couple of items that belonged to my late husband that I was hoping to get back and he was saying he was going to pay me back money he took from me and I guess I was holding out hope that he meant it. I see now that he doesn’t and the best thing I can do is forget about getting any of that back. I don’t want to have to pay any more for the way he is but I will have to pay fees for changing my phone numbers. Blocking him doesn’t help because he just calls from another number. Just mad at myself that I was stupid enough to let this N into my life.

      • the police might be able to call him and warn him to stop contacting you and return your property to the police station.

    • Penny

      “My biggest problem is I want to see the good in everyone”.

      Exactly!! Which is why narcs pursue people like you, and people like me and people like most of us here.

      Narcs are predators, and sadly, they are highly-skilled predators, and it took me a long, looong, LONG time to figure out how to get “off the grid” and create boundaries that are solid and strong.

      By that, I mean I had to really sharpen my antennae, and pay attention to others (family, friends, neighbors, co-workers) who may be the “weak link”, or the “mole” or the “leak”….basically….I had to learn how NOT to see everyone as good, and WHO might actually be inadvertently LEAKING info to my narc, and thus putting me and my kids in harm’s way.

      I know that sounds counter-intuitive, b/c being positive and caring and trusting and empathic are great traits to have….UNTIL they get exploited by the predator-narc, who will use ANYone and say ANYhing to trick people into telling him/her where you are or where you live or where you work or where you shop or where you get groceries or if you drink wine or when & where you get coffee everyday on your break. I had to learn NOT to trust, which was completely foreign to me. But didn’t Jesus tell us to be as shrewd as a serpent? Yes. Yes, He did.

      So…I’m gonna say something here that sounds terrible, and i know that Ps. Dave wants us to be careful with our language, but I think he will allow this.
      My apologies if this is too harsh but here goes:

      I recently told a very trusted friend that I am naturally a kind person, a nice person, a caring person, a loving person….I don’t have to work hard to be those things b/c it’s who I am. But… I have to work hard at being a bitch.

      Ouch. There I said it. It stings. I don’t want to be that. I really,really don’t. But I had to learn to summon up my “evil twin” to protect my sanity and my family and my faith.

      So be it.

      But it’s true: I have to work hard at pushing back, at standing my ground, creating boundaries, and defending those boundaries with my life. And if someone doesn’t get it or like it or understand it or support it or even respect it, then I have no patience anymore. I learned that those are the very people who will betray me at some point. Those are the same people who will throw me under the bus, or attack me for being unkind, or will minimize the damage of the narc and falsely accuse me of being the one who is hard to please or hard to get along with or hard-hearted or unforgiving or even that I am being paranoid &/or suspicious. Those are the people who will gaslight.

      People who think that have NEVER been the target of a narc.

      Because I am naturally very trusting, I realized I may in fact be setting myself up to be targeted and exploited, so for lack of a better word or experience, I quietly began “testing” my environment. By this I mean that I would share something rather mundane or even boring, and the next thing I knew, the narc was calling me about it. Some people just can’t keep their mouths shut! It’s called gossip, and it’s glorified in today’s culture, but it’s real and it’s intrusive and it’s annoying & it can be engulfing.

      So, then I would test again, but this time with a boundary: “please don’t say anything, but I’m taking a day off to see the doctor”, or “I’m thinking of enrolling in art classes at the local city college”, or “I’m getting a puppy”. I was confiding in someone, and hoping they could be actually be trusted to maintain confidentiality. If the narc would find out, I knew who had violated my simple boundary. It was eyeopening to see how easily a boundary could be violated, and how quickly, and by so many people. It was actually quite shocking. Since when does a doctor’s appointment become fodder for the gossip mill? And why oh why would they run straight to the narc with private information? Unless, of course, the narc had already “groomed” their “informants” in ways you and I cannot even imagine. People will sell their souls to the devil for a song and a dance and a cappuccino. With the narc.

      The point of all this is that if you are blocking your narc, and they keep finding you, then there is a leak somewhere. When I finally went NC, I went completely, totally OFF the grid: no facebook, no linked-in, no instagram, no email, NOTHING. I didn’t even say I was going. I just did it. t got a new email, and sent that new email to hand-selected people with the warning that this is private and NOT to be shared! If they shared it, they were off my list. No excuses. Period. Same with a new phone number.

      And yes, the narc will call you on a different phone, so ANY number I don’t recognize, I don’t answer; so that call goes straight to voice mail. If there IS a voice mail from the narc, it gets deleted, and the number gets blocked. Every time. Every. Single. Time.

      Don’t answer texts, or emails: delete them & block the offender. Find a cheap service to block your ISP address (legal in most states) and that prevents a techie person from tracking you that way. Throw out cards, letters, notes–unless you think you need a paper trail for legal reasons, then get a safe deposit box & put them in there. Don’t read them, give them to a lawyer if you need to. (Sadly, I wouldn’t even give them to a pastor or a church leader b/c they have failed me more times than I can recount here. Pastors do not seem to be able to maintain confidentiality but instead are so focused on “reconciling” that they compromise and by so doing, place people in uncomfortable or even dangerous positions.)

      Perhaps Pastor Dave can do a posting here about going NC, about the why and when & how. It’s hard. It’s VERY hard. But….it can be done! And it is empowering in a very real and important way: It gives you back your life—your very sacred, sanctified life…. the life you desperately want to live: unmolested, in Godliness and grace and goodness and humility and privacy and peace.

      We are told in scripture to “test the spirits, to see if they are of God”, and I think this is one example (albeit an odd one) of what that means. We are also told to avoid those who drag us down, and those who devour us of their own purposes but not God’s.

      “Insofar as it depends on you, live at peace” …for many of us that means going NC, protecting our privacy, dignity and the sanctity of life.

      For that I make no excuses. And people can call me any name they want, but they don’t fight my battles and they are not the target of the narc.
      Like Jesus, I will disappear into the crowd, and will not answer them.

      Period.

      • Broken-and-hopeless

        Thank you so much for your insight and words of wisdom. I will do just that. Thanks – 💔

      • Dombeck

        Wow. Very powerful stuff. Thank you for sharing.

      • Dombeck

        During the midst of my divorce and after months of feet dragging, excuses and lies, I wrote him a letter and told him I had been advised that any further contact was to be in the form of a letter via the postal service. I didn’t say who advised me. It was the end of his games and the divorce was expedited.

        Fortunately there is absolutely no reason for communication. Our children are adults. I don’t expect to ever get any letters from him. I haven’t seen or heard from him since. I moved 150 miles away. Praise God.

      • guard your heart

        this is a post packed with wisdom and experience. thank you.

      • UnForsaken

        Penny, I need to hear this often. ❤

        Talk about useful Narc enablers who look so innocent! How can a doctor be so unprofessional to give your diagnoses to your relation…first, let alone telling them! How can the brand of toothpaste you use be so unusual it becomes a source of conversation or bone of contention? This is like every well meaning, ignorant conversation I've been around, and it grieves the spirit. Although some of it really would be innocent if the N wasn't around, most of the time it is plain foolishness doing damage that cannot be reversed. These people are NOT good friends. Perceptive people with goodwill ….and less gullibility…are good friends. Especially if they believe you. Especially if they believe you five years from now. 😉

  10. UnForsaken

    This is one of the issues that made me question if I was dealing with a Narc. My N doesn’t seem to fit here…BUT, I think the more covert the N’s behavior the harder it becomes to identify or explain. It makes you feel you’re grasping for straws, as if you Want to self diagnose them with something dreadful. But you must listen to your instinct. It becomes clearer later, and much, much more obvious.

    His love of competition seems almost inactive, until I realize his goal or prize is a different one than what is offered. Example: since one goal is to be seen as responsible when he is not, everyone sees him as responsible through his choices. You might be doing the same thing for very different reasons, such as simply for the JOY of it! ( Yard work, chores, taking the kids somewhere, etc. ) To see this takes Time! I thought of him as having many flaws, but I still thought this was one of his greatest qualities. NOT!

    I still cannot see the goal or reasoning behind his choices many times. Why does he work so hard at daily tasks and not look as if he wants praise when he Is essentially lazy in spirit and delegates whenever he can? Perhaps to show us up. Perhaps to make him feel superior. Perhaps to somehow keep up with his idea of what the respectable person looks like. Perhaps to assert his control of all situations or his right of position. Perhaps the cumulative effect on what people say or think about him. Perhaps his reasoning changes all the time, like with so many other things. Perhaps he doesn’t think it through at all and acts out of an instinct that is something like entitlement: ” I own this job”. it’s not worth muddling your head over, because perhaps he just does it to confuse us!

    I do think the personality of the Narc effects his choice of hierarchy. My N is extroverted, thinks a great deal of what society thinks and making systems work, shows his feelings more than he thinks even when he’s trying to use them to his advantage, and has distinct ideas about how every belief should be practiced in general.( Provided it suites him…anything can change as if it’s always been that way.) But some Ns might be more independent, less worried about society or fitting in, so cold as ice that it’s a wonder they connect with anyone at all, or even highly permissive in their criticism.

    All Ns change to suite the usefulness of the moment or adapt to make any situation work for them, but I think each of our Ns might look very different in how they went about it or what they chose to be a part of depending on their personalities. My N is big on family, very low on work promotion which would only give him more responsibility and having to answer higher up. Your’s may choose the career path to control, or the church. Whatever Most Easily gets that N their goal, they will use.

    I guess what I’m saying is, that their must be as many types of Ns as their are personalities in the world. Add in all the other factors , as well as other psychological personality disorders, and each situation is uniquely itself and hard to detect, even with the same Narc behaviors!

    A Narcissistic farmer? Anything is possible, but maybe not common. Mine would make a good one, but it wouldn’t be flashy enough. I’m allergic to most crops, so Thank God for small favors!

  11. it amazes how we have been trained to rationalise the abuse, today i just remembered walking around completely lost and constantly crying and in pain for moths after being around the abusers and trying reach out to friends who are missionaries to ask them to pray for me and someone at the church told me to read psalm 24 out loud to help me reduce anxiety. now that things are better for some reason minimising this reality and finding ways to blame myself and considering speaking with the abusers when that is likely to draw me back into abuse. They say that they are still upset about my behaviour when they are the ones that abuse , cheat steal and manipulate. I want to tell them that for sure they should be upset and do something about their ways…

  12. Dombeck

    I think part of the healing process involves turning it all over to God and freeing yourself from the burden of seeing them change their ways. It’s maybe the hardest part.

  13. Arendale

    Jack Sparrow saying, “You have heard of me” is a good summary of how an N feels. The last N I knew tried his hardest to at least get a reaction from me. He must have mentally hung himself when he got no reactions for the last about two weeks I lived with him. He works for a guy who is younger than him and complained several times to me that his boss is younger than him and complained about his boss’s sister being unattractive because she reminds him of his boss (that’s some serious resentment). If he’s trying to climb to the top of the company, it will be very hard in that company seeing it is family-owned and operated and he isn’t family. But he’s trying and sweating and working like a slave. And he doesn’t see the irony.

    The N’s main weakness and also a good way to spot them is that they must do evil (not that most can detect the evil that they do, but they’re always doing it); they have to hurt or abuse or use or harm someone. It is their OCD. They will do it with cameras running and in front of a live TV audience, because they are slaves to their problem while working to enslave others to themselves.

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