It’s Narcissist Friday!
I watch the television with closed captions because my family is often not up when I am. On a live or real-time broadcast, it must be difficult to keep up with the dialog. Sometimes the little mistakes are hilarious. Recently, someone passed away and the news people were interviewing family and friends. One of them said, according to the closed caption, “He was the kind of person who would give you the shirt off your back.”
When I stopped laughing, I realized that I know people like that: generous narcissists. Oh yes, there are such people. In fact, they will puzzle you. They give generous gifts, volunteer for service, and offer all kinds of help. But, when you look more closely at how things turn out, the narcissist hasn’t really done anything.
An illustration of this was a man in a church who attached himself to a landscaping project we were doing. He came to the leadership and said, “If you get me a group of guys and a tractor, I’ll get that job done.” Fortunately, the leaders were wise enough to see the truth. They had to get the workers. They had to get the tractor. The workers would do the work, and the “volunteer” would sit on the tractor. He offered to give them what they already had—and was willing to accept the credit.
A narcissist will use your money to buy you a gift and expect your thanks. She will redo work you have already done and expect credit. He will take your words and repeat them back to you as though they were his and expect you to be impressed. He may bring you flowers he picked in your yard. She will convince you to bake a cake she can bring to the event. Generous narcissists are usually sponges.
Now, there are times when the narcissist gives sacrificially. Narcissists generally believe that people can be manipulated by certain words or actions. If a generous gift will open a door or convince a person, the narcissist might be generous. But he will remember. The person who receives the gift will owe the narcissist. Special attention, agreement, special privilege, whatever. The narcissist expects the gift to accomplish something.
Again, we have to understand the motivation and perspective of the narcissist. No one is deserving of kindness. No one is worth a sacrifice. The kindness must have a purpose for the narcissist. He can appear to be kind and generous, but he is still self-serving. She may appear to want to help, may even help, but her help comes at a price. Your loyalty, your time and energy, your favor, your reciprocating thanks—these may be expected.
The generous narcissist is a phantom. He/she might seem to exist…but nope!