It’s Narcissist Friday!
Do you find yourself fixing the motives of others, trying to explain the nastiness and abuse away? “He didn’t really mean it.” “She has so many problems of her own, that’s why she acts that way.” “Well, if you knew the truth of his life and upbringing…”
When someone calls your attention to a mean thing another said to you, are you surprised that you didn’t hear the comment? Did you think you heard something different, something more positive?
Not naive or stupid. Just happy. Just a desire to conform the world to your basic good will. You want the world to be good and other people to think like you. Your belief is not meant to be manipulative, but it does tend to change the actions and attitudes of others, at least in your mind.
Not everyone sees the world this way, of course. Some are angry. Some are afraid. Some combine their anger and fear into a general negativity. They expect the worst from others and the worst from life. I suppose this is often taught at home in various ways, and I am not suggesting that this attitude is inherent. We may well learn the way we look at life.
But I would almost be willing to bet that most of those who read this blog are people who see life positively. Or at least used to. I suspect that narcissists attach themselves mostly to people who are positive about life.
You might remember the Farside cartoon about the man whistling in hell. Whatever work he was doing was not bringing him down. One of the demons in the cartoon says to the other, “We’re just not getting through to that guy.”
Narcissists are drawn to positive people for two reasons. First, because the narcissist sees the world as negative, he/she cannot abide anyone who sees it otherwise. To allow that person to continue to be positive would be to suggest that the narcissist is either wrong or incompetent. So, like the demons of hell, the narcissists set out to break the positivity of those whistle while they work.
But, secretly, the narcissist is drawn to the positive person because he wants that positivity. It is draining and damaging to be negative all the time. Most narcissists live in competitive and fearsome worlds, believing that others will hurt them or use them. They see the worst in everyone. But the positive person is happy, at least a lot more happy than the narcissist. So the narcissist will seek to take that positivity away for himself. In other words, he will try to become happy by taking your happiness.
I have heard (and read) many people who said that they used to be happy. They used to be positive, but the narcissistic relationship drained that happiness from them. Now they live in fear and pain, distrusting others and waiting for the “other shoe” to drop. Sometimes these folks even use narcissistic techniques to try to regain their happiness at the expense of others. But they hate doing that. They hate their negativity.
I believe that the desire to be a happy person is the first step toward being that person. When we look around and begin to allow ourselves to feel that peace and joy again, it comes. God wants you to be happy. He gives you good things and wants you to live enjoying those things.
No, the narcissist doesn’t really want to be happy. The narcissist owns his negativity. He/she identifies as a negative person, no matter what facade covers the truth. The narcissist doesn’t really understand that happiness is a way of seeing the world, rather than a process of getting what you want.
You see, you know something the narcissist does not know. You know that:
Being satisfied is not the same as being happy
Being successful is not the same as being happy
Being comfortable is not the same as being happy
Being popular is not the same as being happy
Being beautiful is not the same as being happy
Being wealthy is not the same as being happy
Being powerful is not the same as being happy
The narcissist does not know these things. The narcissist will not be happy until he/she does.
You, on the other hand, are happy already. You just have to remember. The positive person is happy because that’s the way he/she sees life. In prison, in pain, even in grief, positive people find ways to laugh and whistle.
God loves you. This world is not your home. The promise of eternal peace and joy is real. The past does not define you. The days ahead will have good in them. You are forgiven. You are free. You are accepted. You are valued. You are loved.