Knowing the Truth

It’s Narcissist Friday!     


“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off!” Gloria Steinem(?)


The truth, interestingly enough, is that this quote does not really belong to Gloria Steinem. She took it from someone else. But that’s the way the truth is. Someone named Joe Klaas used it in a book. The original version, the one Joe changed it from, was a little tamer: “the truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.” I suspect that both sayings are right much of the time.

There is a certain bliss in ignorance. We walk merrily on our way without fear or anger. Then we learn the truth and it ruins everything. But would it be better not to know? Some people think so. Life was happy before it all came out.

The problem is that the lie is not neutral. The lie hurts us even when we don’t know it’s a lie. Basing our actions and plans on the lie catches up to us eventually. And it is a lie. The truth does not create the problem, it only exposes it.

Is J’s marriage good because she doesn’t know that her husband is having an affair? Is the food in the restaurant better because you don’t know the conditions of the kitchen? Is that politician or leader more honest because you don’t know about his compromises? No, ignorance only covers the truth, it does not negate it. Nor does it guarantee bliss.

Putting the name of cancer on those aches and weaknesses didn’t cause the diagnosis. It was cancer before the doctor looked at it. When you learned that narcissism was behind the problems in your relationship, the problems were already there. You might have been able to ignore them easier, simply because there was no name, but they were still there.

So now you know, and it feels awful. Do you really wish you didn’t know? No, you really wish it wasn’t true. You wish there were no problems. Now you have to make choices, maybe even do something. Why is that hard? Because you are already drained from the stress of the problem you didn’t have a name for. And now you have to face the reality of what you were beginning to suspect.

And now that you have a name, a diagnosis, you can begin to move forward. You can fight or adapt or decide to do nothing. Now, you are in more of a position of power than you ever were before. You can begin to understand what has been happening, and you can make some plans or strategy.

I know it hurts. I’m sorry for your pain. I wish it could be different. But the only way it will ever be different is by facing the truth. Fighting the real enemy, getting the right help, accepting the right support: these things come out of knowing the truth.

Yes, the truth does lead to freedom, even though it might make you angry or sad at first. It’s the only way to real freedom, after all. Continuing the lie will just continue the pain and bondage.


Filed under Narcissism

13 responses to “Knowing the Truth

  1. not knowing caused confusion
    not knowing held onto hope in a hopeless situation
    not knowing caused me to think I was the problem
    not knowing allowed him to manipulate me further
    not knowing caused me to become angry with God as years went by and the darkness grew

    knowing brings clarity
    knowing creates the power to decide
    knowing understands that I’m not the problem
    knowing allows me to understand the manipulative tactics
    knowing brought clarity to my faith and realized God was there for me, not against me

    • Allie

      Beautifully said, Rebecca. Thank you.

    • SAM

      Thanks, Rebecca. Thanks, Dave, for sending a very “true” message!

    • Cecilia K

      Yes, this is essentially what I wanted to say. Learning a name for what had been going on was liberating for me; it did not cause me more pain. My eyes were finally opened, and the confusion evaporated. I mean, I was still puzzled over why he would act that way, but as you said, Rebecca, at least I finally knew that I was not the problem. So the truth did indeed set me free!

    • Victim no more

      Perfectly said!

  2. Wow! Thank you. I have always debated this in my mind.

    Candace Rojas | PR Evangelist *Media *Marketing *Events 561-573-7831


  3. Knowing the Truth does indeed help you deal with the problem. Before we know the truth, we know something is terribly wrong, we just don’t know what it is or how to deal with it. A diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder lets us know that it is incurable, non-treatable, permanent, and will get progressively worse. When we confront their lies with truth, they inevitably deny it, blame it on us or others, or justify it. And when we finally open our eyes to the truth, and start digging, we uncover a lifetime of lies that the Narcissist has been hiding from the church, the IRS, the businesses, the employees, friends, us, his children, his former wives, and, of course, the wives that will come after us. We finally make sense of things, as we discover the tangled web of lies that he wove.

    Lying is what Narcissists do – to everyone.

    When we expose the Narcissist, their supporters will try to silence us, saying that it is “unChristian” to say unkind things about people, and that God will hold us accountable. But abuse breeds in silence. That’s why Narcissists and their minions try to silence us. God is not afraid of the truth. His Word tells us to expose truth. Honorable people are not afraid of the truth either. If someone tells us not to speak truth – we need to put them in the “do not trust – friend of Satan” camp.

    • Georgette

      Amen and so true, so very true Charlene! My adopted mom was a psychopathic narcissist, exposing her broke the abuse and my healing process started. When I tried to expose the narcissist at church I became the problem. A year later some parishioners are realizing he is a fake.

  4. Many are not appreciating me exposing the truth of my life. I am determined to ‘move on’ by not hiding anymore. The Lord has been gracious to save me. Healing from abusive relationships can only be done with the truth being revealed.

  5. Fern

    The truth can be bewildering & hard to come to grips with.
    Throughout the process of going No Contact & afterward still, the truth can continue to be painful.
    In my case, mostly the Inhumaneness of it all, & the Involvement of other people, whether it was intentional or neglectful.
    It was an eye-opener about the darkness that exists in this world & that just as animals prey upon each other, so will humans.
    Coming to terms with this means You will find out who your true friends are & learn to Love yourself in a way that you never have before.
    Surround yourself with a supportive network, don’t tolerate even the slightest of abuses, & Love yourself.
    There are huge benefits waiting for you on the other side of the abuse, and getting there is a journey. You may feel up & down, high & low, but you will soon feel a Wholeness that you did not know was possible before!

  6. Still angry

    At first it was OCD. Then some sort of disassociate disorder caused by his delayed adoption, misogynism, psychopathy, sociopathy, he has a peculiar fetish, he is asexual, a cross dresser, transvestite, possibly gay, then insanity, then narcissistic personality disorder. Or maybe he’s just an asshole and I’m too sensitive. Maybe I am some sort of closed minded biggot. Maybe I’m the pervert because I just want normal sex. What’s normal? Does gender matter? How important is my sexual satisfaction or identity?

    In other words, it was complete chaos, cofusion and self-doubt.

    My identity as wife, mother, and woman was completely hijacked. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what I was doing. I couldn’t reach out. There was no one there. And I didn’t know what the question was. I didn’t know what I needed or wanted. I didn’t posess the vocabulary. I was silenced. And by design.

    It was ignorance, isolation and denial.

    The kids are adults. Divorced two years out. Separated four. It’s truly over, or is it?

    Even when I acquired the words and nominal understanding, there is still self-doubt.

    At the moment just self-pity. And I have doubts as to wether or not I am entitled to that.

    Knowing, understanding and feeling the truth comes with great relief and gratitude. I’m in a safe place now. So why the tears? Why the grief?

    Because I wasted most my life dealing with this shit. My kids, just by association, are still dealing with it. It affects them. But by how much? How much damage was done? How much more damage is being done?

    You can TRY to warn them. You can TRY to tell them the truth. But they have to discover it on their own. And maybe they never will. And maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it doesn’t affect them.

    He put me in the closet. In many ways I am still there. Coming out as a straight woman who was married to a personality disordered malignant narcissistic man with a gender identity crisis in complete denial isn’t a celebration with rainbow flags with fags in drag and dikes of all types. I inherited this bullshit.

    And I need to step especially light due to the fact my daughter is openly gay and happens to have mountains of psychological issues (as we all do) that no one can touch with a ten foot pole. Apparently sexual preference, identity and behavior has nothing to do with personality disorders and to use the two in the same sentence is not only politically incorrect, but it is heartless. Incidentally, my daughter is not the biological child of my ex so don’t even go there with genetics and being born that way with me.

    I have ALWAYS been a believer that one DOES have a “choice” in the way they behave. If we didn’t, well, just imagine what sort of world this would be.

    I truly empathize with individuals who cannot express themselves. I’m not passing bad or sick judgement on people who find ways to express themselves AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T HURT ANYONE. Easier said than done.

    As a society I feel we are making great strides in making it safe for TGBL or whatever the hell it is to tell the truth. But let’s face it, most of us aren’t interested in who, what, where, or how other people have sexual orgasms. However, had it been safer for my ex to come out 55 years ago, me myself and I might have been spared the abuse, neglect, indignation, humiliation and pain of being married to Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. Not to mention the affects on my children. I’m angry, resentful, hurt, and cynical.

    The truth hurts. It hurts like hell. And my guess is I am not the only one silenced by a very general societal opinion that even the mere suggestion that sexual orientation and malignant narcissism are very closely linked if not walking hand in hand is an atrocity to mankind. Maybe it’s too broad a generalization. Maybe it’s a very unique form of personality disorder. But maybe narcissism is more closely linked to sexuality than we want it to be. Maybe it is more Freudian.

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