It’s Narcissist Friday!     


I know I am a few days late to address New Year’s resolutions. Most of the ones we made (if we made any) are already broken or seriously bent. I am not big on resolutions anyway. If any of us really wanted to change things, we could begin anytime.

But there is one resolution I would strongly suggest. It’s simple. It’s difficult. It’s life-changing. It’s necessary. It’s right. So, whether you make any other resolutions, make this one. If you hate the idea of resolutions, still make this one.

Ready? Here you go:


I resolve to think and speak positively about myself.


Like I said, simple. Narcissists and other abusers get by with their cruelties and manipulations because we let them. We let them because we believe their negative assessments of us. They see us as weak and inferior, so they use us.

We can stop most of this simply by seeing ourselves in a positive light. When the narcissist says something negative, it should sound like screeching on the chalkboard or breaking glass or clanging metal. In other words, it should be disharmonious.

Remember LP records? Remember the sound of your favorite music interrupted by the scratching of the needle sliding across the record? The simple pleasure and affirmation of your favorite music attacked by the painful sound of the scratch. That’s what the narcissistic criticism should sound like.

When the narcissist seeks a victim, he/she will choose someone who has strength and competence. That always sounds wrong to people at first hearing. But that strong and competent person is usually not confident. Somehow, the abilities grew without awareness. I suppose that makes sense. People who lack confidence often try harder and work more carefully. They remember their mistakes, and they work smarter to avoid those mistakes. But they forget their successes as they focus on their mistakes. And, as they focus on their mistakes, their confidence weakens even more.

So the “under-confident achiever” sings a negative self-song. “I am stupid. I am lazy. I make mistakes. My mind is hazy.” That song plays in the background throughout the day, dragging down self-esteem and confidence. Along comes the narcissist. He knows that song is playing. So, he sings something positive that feels good—and something negative that feels right. “You did better than I expected; here’s what needs to be corrected.” It seems to be an affirmation, but still fits with your negative self-song.

I don’t know the words to your song. What I know is that it is vital to your health to speak and sing positive words about yourself. What I also know is that those positive words are true.

You are loved.
You are valuable.
You are able to make changes.
You have strength.
You have a contribution.
You can learn.
You can make a difference.
You have hope.
You have promise.
You have a future.
God loves you
God has invested in you.
God is not disappointed with you.


I could go on and on. Look into your heart. What affirmation has been hiding in there, afraid to come out because of the negative all around you? Say that word to yourself. Say it and others over and over. Believe those words—because they are true.

Yes, the old song is familiar. You will hear yourself singing it in the days to come. But just stop yourself and speak the positive words. Don’t dwell on the negative, even to try to explain why those things are not true. Just speak positive about yourself. Over and over and over and over. Every time you do, you will be making an offering to the Lord who loves you. Every time you do, you will become just a little stronger and a little more confident.

I plan to write on this more. This is important. The opening the narcissist/abuser found that enabled him to hurt you was probably there already. Time to close it!

He has put a new song in my mouth– Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, and will trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:3




If you want to build your positive self-talk, this devotional will help.  Reaffirming (or learning for the first time) how God feels about you and what His grace means to you can truly be life-changing.

You can still get Walk with Me, a 30-day grace devotional, as an ebook on Amazon for only $4.99.  The paperback is also available.  This would be a great way to start the New Year!  Just click the images to access the links.








Filed under Narcissism

10 responses to “Resolution

  1. Pamela Shalom

    Pastor Dave, Thank you for this excellent word today !! Blessings….

  2. TRStupar

    Thank you.

  3. Maggie

    Thank you so much…just what I needed to hear. It’s so easy to forget just how amazing we really are and how much God loves us when we are in the grips of a narcissistic relationship. Keep those reminders coming.

  4. wellplannedgalceo

    Thank you.

  5. Rox

    That’s what makes what the narcissist does so reprehensible. He/She seeks out someone who has risen above the lies they were taught in childhood by early abusers and tries to undo all the positives that God has helped that person achieve. Essentially, the narcissist works against God’s message that we are all lovable, talented people with positive gifts to offer the world.

  6. deborah lawson

    Thank you so much for this much needed post. I am grateful for all of your encouraging messages.

  7. Lea Anna Curtis

    This is excellent. We all need to find our identity in Christ, instead of the spouse or whoever. This is so important. Thanks, Pastor Dave!

  8. yesterday on the train was thinking that how when i did something for myself it was good and not something to be ashamed of like some people would try and make us and it boosted my day and confidence and ability to move forward… Praise be to Him for the gifts and thank you for the great post reaffirming this.

  9. UnForsaken

    Especially if you’ve been around a narc since babyhood it’s essential to retrain your inner self talk. You’ve been made vulnerable to other narcs just by this alone, and awareness is necessary to change. Self love is not narcissistic! We can and will love ourselves and choose only to befriend those who reciprocate our love, respecting us for the remarkable beings we are.

  10. guardyourheart

    Dear pastor Dave, my book arrived here in London UK via amazon- what a blessing ! I keep reading and sharing this post

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