What Truth?

It’s Narcissist Friday! 

 

Jesus said that those who belong to Him would know the truth and the truth would set them free.  Most of us have been taught that refers to the freedom that comes with our salvation, freedom from condemnation and the bondage of sin.  Of course, that’s true, but don’t we want freedom in our daily struggles?  The hope of glory is truly a blessing, but the day by day pain of dealing with narcissists and abusers can make us forget about what is coming someday.

In fact, Jesus took this further.  Just a few verses later, He tells the people that when the Son sets someone free, that person is “free indeed.”  So, maybe this isn’t just for future hope.  Maybe this does mean something in the here and now.

So, what truth?  Learning the truth about the narcissistic behavior of the abuser in your life has helped.  You have been able to see more clearly why these things have happened and keep happening.  You may even have found some support or strategy that helps.  But knowing the enemy you are fighting does not make you free.  It just clarifies your struggle.

No, the truth that sets you free in day to day living is the truth of who you are.  The abuser/narcissist attacks your heart.  There is something deep inside you that cares about what the narcissist thinks about you and how he/she treats you.  When you are abused, you struggle with far more than the pain of the abuse.  You take the negative message about yourself into your heart.   This is why the abuser is almost always someone close, someone who should be supportive and caring.  This is why the narcissist establishes a relationship with you in the beginning.  All so they can get close to your heart.

When you receive the message about yourself that the abuser/narcissist brings, you move closer to defeat and bondage.  That defeat pulls the life-energy from you.  The more you believe the lies, the more you fall into the pit.  What lies?  That you deserve the treatment; that you made bad choices and now have to live with them; that no one cares about you; that this is all there is to your life.  Those lies.

Paul said that slaves who could be free should go for it.  In the same way, I pray that a victim of abuse or narcissism should become free.  But there are those who see no way to separate from the narcissist.  (Now, I should add that if you are suffering physical abuse, you should use legal authority and other means to get out.  I am not at all suggesting that someone should stay in a dangerous situation.)  Some people are not led to divorce or separation from a narcissistic spouse.  Some can’t separate from narcissistic parents or children or co-workers.  But there is freedom indeed in Jesus!

You see, the truth that sets you free, free indeed, is the truth of God’s love for you in Jesus.  You are His treasure, the love of His heart.  He is always with you, always on your side, always working on your behalf.  In His eyes, you are beautiful, valuable, pure, perfect, and desirable.  He sees no sin in you, no blemish, no unworthiness.  When you are discouraged, He wants to lift you up.  When you are hurting, He wants to be your comfort.  When you are afraid, He wants to be your peace and safety.  You are the pearl of great price to Him.

That truth sets you free in the midst of any suffering.  When others are against you and try to make you feel bad, look to Him and see His smile.  When you have been put down, used, betrayed, manipulated—go to Him and feel His love.  You don’t have to come to Him in shame even if you have done something wrong.  Come to Him as His own beloved child, who is always welcome in His presence.  You don’t have to bargain with Him for His comfort or help, just tell Him your need and let Him work on it.  You are His, and He will take care of you.

No, this isn’t magic.  This is love.  You can trust His love for you.  You can trust the fact that you are someone very special to the heart of the Lord God Almighty, so special that He is never separate from you.  He is always working for you, because He loves you.

That’s the truth that sets you free.  If you can get out of the narcissistic relationship that hurts so much, do it; but know that you will still not be free until you learn the truth about yourself.  There are many who have gotten their divorce and kept their bondage.  At the same time, there are those who have stayed in what most of us would run from and have found true freedom.  No matter what happens to them, they know the truth.

Let the truth of God’s love in Jesus—for you—set you free!

25 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

25 responses to “What Truth?

  1. I so needed/need this reminder. Thank you! (Thank you every Friday)

  2. KayJay

    Thank you for your soothing words, Pastor Dave. It reminds me of the psalmist when he says “whom do I have in heaven or on Earth besides You, Lord….” A great truth.

  3. Tara E Mclaughlin

    amen

  4. Rachel

    Beautiful! And wise! It made me think of the Book of Wisdom,
    “ For she is more beautiful than the sun, and excels every constellation of the stars. Compared with the light she is found to be superior, for it is succeeded by the night, but against wisdom evil does not prevail.”
    This is a very consoling post, very much needed. Thankyou again for your ministry Pastor Dave. Blessings on you and yours.

  5. 2birdman2

    Pastor Dave… I don’t know how you do it but almost every week you speak directly to my heart and to my hurt… I have been divorced now for 6 months and the pain is still there and is great but I am learning everyday the freedom of which you speak… when you said “The abuser/narcissist attacks your heart.” That many times is the hardest wound or pain to heal… Thank you again Dave!!!

  6. loy

    Some days I just want to put a rope around my neck and get it all over with.
    I wake up swearing and talk to myself in the most awful ways. Why was I put on this earth do have to deal with Two narcissistic parents & a flying monkey? Attacks your heart yes, Attacks you mind yes, destroys hope and life, yes. Neglect everyday, yes. When I was growing up all I could say to myself, is I just want to survive. Just get through the day,
    Now that I am old all I want is for it to stop or to end.

    • Allison

      Loy, I have felt the very same. I am now older too, I have wondered how do you put the scarf around your neck? Yes, your words grabbed me hard. As a child I would run and hide from the flying monkeys behind the couch?
      Some of us are less fortunate than others with our parents, we do the best we can to survive. Then what? Life can be very hard. Along the way I have found a couple key people that went out of their way for me. I will never forget them and their kindness, meant the world to me. I think of them on my bad days and remember their thoughtful words and kindness. There is always hope, many good people out there that want to help.

      • Loy

        Allison, Thank you for the encouragement, I have some good days and some bad, I had a great aunt that was very kind and supportive, I wish I could have spent more time with her. I try to have more good days, and I try to think of things that make me smile.
        Hope your life if full of God’s blessings.
        🙂

  7. Patty

    Yes, first we try to reason with the abuser. How could they say such things. Do they know us at all? Yes, yes they do. They know we greatly care (cared) what their opinion was of us. That’s why the manipulation / abuse is so effective.

    “Knowing the enemy you are fighting does not make you free. It just clarifies your struggle”. This is so true! I am thankful that I came to realize the enemy I was fighting. However, it’s not until I realized “who I am in Christ” that I began to heal from the humiliation and shame dumped on me by my abuser.

    Run to Jesus. He is able to heal your broken and wounded heart and make it whole. He is faithful. He is True. He is everything and anything you will ever need. Run to Jesus.

  8. Joy Witt

    It’s my birthday tomorrow and this sweet essay was pure gift! Yes, I am free and beloved by Christ, myself, and others. Thank you for this website.

  9. I needed this today, so much. I did a very stupid thing, I reached out to my extremely malignant narcissistic mother, after being peacefully No Contact for several years.

    Every time that I have reached out to her in the past, sooner or later she has hurt me, very badly. But usually we would have a few weeks, or maybe a few months, of a light, pleasant relationship before the you-know-what would hit the fan. But this time, she did not wait even thirty minutes. We were having a pleasant phone conversation, the first real conversation in over twelve years, catching up on news, and then, WHAM. Out of nowhere she hits me with the worst gaslighting projecting lies that she has ever said to me. Just… BOOM.

    WHY did I reach out to her? What was I thinking?? Well, I had a milestone birthday three months ago, followed by surgery and a serious cancer scare. As it turned out, I don’t have cancer again, thank the Lord! But all of that, plus my granddaughter graduating from college, made me hyper aware of how fast life is flying by. So, before it is too late, I wanted to make sure that I haven’t left anything undone in my attempts to have a right relationship with certain people. My mother is 83 years old now, and she is super religious, all about “winning people to the Lord.” After years as an agnostic, 15 years ago, when I was 50, I came to believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior and my Lord, I have given my life to Him, and I love Him with all of my heart and soul. So, I hoped that my mother and I could relate on this level. And, at her advanced age, who knows how much time she has left? None of us know how much time we have left on this earth.

    I made a card for my mother on my computer graphic design program. On the front of the card, I put several pictures from my childhood, special, sweet, old black and white pictures of me as a tiny child with my parents and grandparents. I put a caption above the pictures that said “Good Memories.” On the inside of the card, I printed my favorite chapter in the Bible, Psalm 103, in its entirety. And on the back of the card I printed some recent pictures of me with my daughter and our rescue dog. Inside the card, I wrote that I was sending it with the love of the Lord Jesus, and I explained that Psalm 103 is my favorite in the Bible. I also said that I have been praying that she is well.

    My mother replied with a beautiful store bought card that featured a painting of a church of the front, and included a recent picture of herself inside, standing is a group with her “church ladies.” What she wrote in the card was so very loving, that I was utterly amazed. I felt like I had a real mother for the first time in my life. My husband read the card and said “She must have had a stroke. This is too nice to be from her!”

    On the back of the card, my mother put her cell phone number. So this morning I sent a text saying that I loved her and that I had just read her wonderful card. I soon got a text in reply asking me to call her this evening.

    Hearing my mother’s voice for the first time in so many years was wonderful. Magical! I prayed long and hard before I called, and asked my husband to pray with me. I was determined not to say anything or to bring up any subject that could lead to strife.

    At first, our conversation was perfect. Sweet. Blessed. Full of “I love you,” and “God is so good,” and “yes, Mom, I believe that Jesus Christ is Lord, and that no one comes to the Father but through Him.”

    And then, out of nowhere, my mother starts accusing me of a horrible evil wrong that I supposedly did over 50 years ago when I was a young and deeply traumatized teenager — and I know that I never did anything like what she was saying — in fact, SHE did was she was accusing me of!

    They do not change. These malignant narcissists Do. Not. Change. Old age and death can be staring them right in the face and they only get WORSE.

    Sorry this is so long. But oh, wow, that HURT. I almost feel like I have been gutted.

    • Penny

      My Dear Linda/Lady: you are not stupid. You are normal for wanting a real, loving mother. You got love-bombed and you were vulnerable. You did a normal, loving thing and got beat up for it. In the process, you learned a painful lesson that “they do not change….Do. Not. Change”. Give yourself forgiveness…you were betrayed, but did nothing wrong. Ouch, it DOES hurt. We all get it, we’ve all been there. I have been NC for 6 ½ years now, and have learned to throw away cards when they arrive, how to go “off the grid” to avoid her stalking (think facebook, set up by a family member)….but it’s constant vigilance. Its tiring. I’m so weary of the battle, the hyper vigilance that we develop as a result of the abuse. My narc is almost 93, & in better health than I am, and I joke that she is never going to die. When will it ever end????? I’m determined to outlive her.

  10. Reblogged this on A Blog About Healing From PTSD and commented:
    I am reblogging Pastor Dave’s Narcissistic Friday post because I needed this so much right now. I did a very stupid thing today. I reached out to an extremely malignant narcissistic relative of mine, after years of peaceful No Contact. I was lured in with a wonderful sweet card that she sent. And I was hoping, you know, that something might have changed. Nope! Gaslighting. Projecting. Denial and soul killing LIES. I almost feel gutted.
    Thank you, Pastor Dave, for being so AWESOME.

    • Linda Lee: thank you for your post and transparency. I agree, Pastor Dave’s comments are awesome as well as healing. I’m sorry after all this time this happened again.. I am not “no contact” at this point but considering it. I too, have had outrageous accusations. It feels like I’m Alice in Wonderland and my mother’s eaten the mushrooms. You just can’t make this stuff up-its like a really bad movie script except it’s your life. And you just can’t fix it. But I go along, get relaxed and boom! There’s the crazy jumping out of her. Your sharing made me feel better. Weird how that works, isn’t it. I pray this “gutted” feeling will pass soon and you give the grace to yourself and be the mom to yourself that you never had. Thanks again for your post.

      • Oh, dear freedom fighter, thank you so much for your precious, understanding, affirming comment! I’m sorry I did not see this sooner.

        What you said: “It feels like I’m Alice in Wonderland and my mother’s eaten the mushrooms. You just can’t make this stuff up-its like a really bad movie script except it’s your life. And you just can’t fix it. But I go along, get relaxed and boom! There’s the crazy…” Yes!!

        And what you said after that: “Your sharing made me feel better. Weird how that works, isn’t it.” Yes, it is weird. And yes, it somehow works. I, too, feel better after reading your comment.

        I still feel broken inside. I keep praying and trying to force my heart not to ache, but it aches anyway. I guess there isn’t any shortcut to healing besides just going ahead and grieving through the emotions. Sigh.

  11. I needed this. Still so much crazy-making to deal with. I am tired and very grateful for the Lord’s strength … and yet, still very, very tired.
    Thank you for posting these words of exhortation and thank you to the commenters for sharing and encouraging each other. Thankful and praying for everyone.

  12. ((hugs)) ❤ Linda Lee/@LadyQuixote

  13. Mama

    Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. “You are His treasure, the love of His heart. He is always with you, always on your side, always working on your behalf. In His eyes, you are beautiful, valuable, pure, perfect, and desirable. He sees no sin in you, no blemish, no unworthiness. When you are discouraged, He wants to lift you up. When you are hurting, He wants to be your comfort. When you are afraid, He wants to be your peace and safety. You are the pearl of great price to Him.”

    • Mama

      Just to put my gratitude to you and your work in context, you and a number of other loving and kind writers have helped me move on from the lament that was on my lips for so many years: “Help me God, for the waters have come in unto my soul. I sink in deep mire.” I will learn the above by heart and make a solemn vow to you and all who read this, that I will replace future laments with this ode to joy, to hope. Thank you again.

  14. Penny

    Pastor Dave:
    In reading the comments here & elsewhere, there is a common thread that keeps coming up: we are tired… sooooo very tired.
    We are weary. We are gutted, broken, exhausted, sapped & zapped.
    Sounds like a posting to me?
    Could you do a posting on what it is about the narc that makes us so tired?
    We need rest….so many of us persevere in the face of opposition, resistance, ignorance, betrayal….and then we get sick b/c we are so tired. Our health is impacted from the constant struggle….we are hypervigilant of our abusers & can never seem to relax. It takes a toll.
    I find myself wistful over others who seem to enjoy life without a care, oblivious to the silent burden of an abusive narc.
    Can you do a posting on weariness?
    Thx in advance.

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