Severe Heart Pain

It’s Narcissist Friday!    

How bad can heart pain get?

I recently had a conversation with some good friends who asked what would happen to a believer who committed suicide.  I’m not sure when the idea started that someone who ended his or her own life would go to hell, no matter what faith the person professed before, but it has certainly caused a lot of grief.  My friends knew a person who had spoken strongly and often about love for the Savior, sharing with others the good news, and living a kind and open life.  But the last couple of years had been very hard.  At the end, there was a harsh note filled with despair and pain and a body.

So, what happened to this “formerly” strong believer?  Straight to hell?  No.  I can’t find that in Scripture.  I believe Jesus hold on to His people even when they can no longer hold on to Him.  “Neither death nor life” will be able to separate us from Him.

We need to be honest.  Believers can go through unbelieving times.  Times filled with such heart pain that an end seems better than another day.  I wish that were not true.  I wish every believer would be able to look with joy and hope to the Lord’s face every moment of every day.  I wish I could.  But sometimes the pain is so strong that it’s all you can think about.

Do you make good decisions when you are in pain?  Do you “keep your hopes up,” as they say?  Or are you like the rest of us, doing stupid things just to get it to stop—or even for a few moments of some better feeling?  Another cookie, another online purchase, another drink—these are small things.  What about a quick fling with a neighbor or co-worker, something you will regret for the rest of your life?  It would feel good for a while, take your mind and heart away from the pain that won’t stop, even as you know it won’t be good in the long run. 

Johnny Cash was the one who sang, “I hurt myself today,” when I first heard the song.  “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.” (I don’t think I have ever heard the Nine Inch Nails version.)  An affair, cutting, spending money we don’t have—these are ways of hurting ourselves (we know they will hurt us), but they also affirm that we can still feel.  Stupid acts with lasting consequences, but the things we do when we are becoming numb from so much pain.

The folks who claim to know say that 10 million Americans seriously considered suicide in the past year.  About a third of them made a plan.  You might be one of them.  Or maybe you were a few years ago.  Yes, it would have been stupid, especially as you look back from today.  Today, for some, that pain is a memory.  A new life has begun.  There was hope, but you couldn’t see it. 

Some will actually do it.  They will hurt themselves to a point from which there is no return.  Even the fear of hell will not stop them, because the pain is already hell.  And, like many other bad decisions, there is no turning back.  Once you have had the affair, you can’t undo it.  And you may call for help and be saved in time from your suicide attempt, or you might not be able to.  Some decisions are like that.

Please, there is hope.  Find some help if you are going through this kind of pain.  There are other ways to end it.  There really are.  Cry out to Jesus, He loves you.  Find your way back to Him.  Find someone who can help you find your way back.  Don’t take your own life.  There are many who care.  They may not realize how much you hurt.

And, if you have had these thoughts, don’t think about them as sin, think of them as desperation.  Severe heart pain is also real.  Pain so great that you long for a way out, no matter what options are offered.

If you have had such thoughts, don’t feel guilty.  If you are having these thoughts now, you are not evil.  But you are hurting at a level that may be out of control.  Please stop everything and find help.  Please.


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17 responses to “Severe Heart Pain

  1. Valerie Adair

    Thank you.

    Sent from my iPhone


  2. anne

    When you are abused emotionally on and off for 40 years ant then physically assaulted by a nacissistic pastor husband who has manipulated the elders in the church and your grown children into believing it’s all you…..the heart pain is overwhelming. He uses my serious heath problems against me and says that I manipulate and use my chronic physical pain conditions and my fight with cancer as my ace card……the heart pain causes you to think about suicide often!

    • God bless you, Anne. Your words touched my heart. ((HUG))

    • Lea Curtis

      I am so sorry, Anne. That is horrible that he has done that to you. I pray God will give you peace and comfort and please know that God sees and knows all and he will deal with those who do such things.

      • Anne

        Thank you so much Lea. I thank God for true Christian friends like you who Encourage others. God bless you too!

    • Oh, Anne, I am so sorry. Especially the part about your grown children having bought in to the narcissistic lies, taking the love and comfort of your own children from you. My heart is breaking for you. My own story is not the same but it shares many of the elements of yours, and I have been in such pain I wanted to die just so the pain would stop. But the Lord stopped me and taught me not to dwell on thoughts about ending my life. And He got me through by teaching me that He is the lover of my soul, my primary relationship. He is always faithful. He always has my back. He knows my spirit was wounded and broken. He’s been so patient and gentle with me. Knowing that He knows, understands, and tenderly loves me, and now over the years having lived with that growing knowledge, has lessened the pain and comforted me so that I now trust Him completely to take care of both my heart and my material provisions. I didn’t know that “when all you have is Jesus, Jesus is enough” until all I had was Jesus. And now I know. And no one can take that from me. I pray the Lord will visit you with all the grace and comfort you need to get you through all this. You are not alone!

      • “I didn’t know that “when all you have is Jesus, Jesus is enough” until all I had was Jesus. And now I know. And no one can take that from me.” ~ Beautifully said, Mary Lee. And so true!

      • Anne

        Thanks so much MaryLee! I have tears of gratitude for your comforting words. I am sorry that you had to go through terrible experiences and got to the point of thinking to end your life. It is so difficult to climb back out of that pit or pits over and over. It is good to hear that you’ve stayed close to the Lord. I praise Him for that! Thanks for helping me out today! Hugs! God bless!

  3. Trish

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts that Jesus hold onto us even when we can no longer hold onto him.

    I went through a period of “suicide ideation” which I understand can be one of many typical responses or results of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and Narcissist Abuse Syndrome.

    When a Highly Sensitive Person is scapegoated in the family of origin and the covert, crazy making abuse gets to the point where you finally know, deep down, there is no resolving this other than walking away. To know on a soul level you will never belong, you are unloved, you will never have a family, that you never really had a family, it was all you doing the doing to try to make one, well, the truth can set one free but the jagged pill of pain is not so easy to swallow. It was a deep period of grief and I frequently thought suicide who’ll make the pain go away, would imagine different ways to do it, but never take any real steps, thus called suicide ideation.

    I stand alone now without contact with my FOO. It was just too toxic and dysfunctional. The Narcissistic abuse was to painful to continue to bear. God blessed me with a wonderful husband, a believing friend who has stood by me. I have been ostracized, smeared, but I will be accused of abandonment and labelled unstable etc. I have clung to the one scripture that says even though my father, mother, siblings forsake me, God will never abandon me, I choose to believe thanks to you Pastor Dave in God’s Grace. That he loves me, in spite of my self soothing, in spite of my humanity, because of who He is. That His love is not something. Have to earn, buy, compete for or be perfect for, this was my FOO standards and as perfect as I tried to be, well, would always find something to throw at you.

    When I can’t sleep at night I tell myself God loves me. I tell myself I am safe. I am safe. And slowly, I have imperfectly rebuild my life. Created a new family of friends, pockets of belonging. God sees the need, carries us through, renews, provides. I am not fully healed, I may never be, but I have made progress. Faith is something that can be diminished by Narc abuse and CPTSD symptoms. I try to keep it simple now. Know God loves me, I am never alone. God’s grace is sufficient for me. Trust God, do good. I will never be perfect. That’s God’s job.

  4. Anne

    Hi Trish,
    Sorry that you had to go through all those awful experiences. Your comments ae so helpful for me. I thank God for you and pray you sleep well. Your suggestions are great re: sleep. I’m glad you got help. A week or two ago a pain psychologist suggested trauma counseling for me. You are a blessing to others! Hugs! God bless!

  5. Janet Siegel

    Powerful, comforting and so compassionate!! Thank you!!!

  6. Singing Eagle

    Thank you ALL for sharing your heart and the courage to share your story. I too can identify with having been on the roller coaster of suicidal thoughts years ago. Others could not believe me as a result of his amazing “charm”. (Married now over 40 yrs.) If it wasn’t for a friend calling me at the exact right time (divine appointment??), my kids may have had the unfortunate and devastating moment of finding me as they arrived home from school. Yes, as I look back now, I am grateful for the Lords intervention but now I use this experience to fuel the desire to help and minister to other women, to help them find the words to vent and validate their pain, to recognize their value to this world and embrace the tender hearted person God intentionally made for His Divine purposes!!

  7. Anne

    Thanks you for helping other women. I am positive God divinely stoplad ped you from committing suicide. I’m glad He did! Your children are blessed to have you and so are the many women you have helped! Thanks for allowing God to use you! Anne

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