It’s Narcissist Friday!
Someone has been in your house. Things are not like they were. Everything has been moved and touched and changed. You call the police and a good friend, but they keep asking what the intruders took. The scene is so confusing, so filled with emotion, that you can’t even think. All you know is that you have been violated. Someone messed with your life.
The police say they really can’t do much unless you can tell them what is missing. Your friend tries to calm you with the suggestion that the violation is less because you can’t see that anything has been stolen. Yet, you know things are gone. Things that used to be there, that used to be yours, are gone. Once the police leave, you and your friend start putting things back the way they were. But you can’t because you can’t find some of the important things. That’s when you begin to see what was taken.
Healing begins as you put your life back together. When you can name what was taken, verbalize the loss, it helps you work toward restoring your home. It’s the difference between saying, “Well, they took the TV,” and staring uncomprehendingly at the large blank spot on your wall. You make a list and start to find replacements. No, they won’t be the same, but they will again be yours. Life will be different, but normal settles in.
When you leave a relationship with a narcissist, you are almost certainly coming out of a crisis. When you look at your life, all you see is a mess. Confusion, grief, anger—a mess. Nothing is the same. Your emotions are all mixed up. If you have a good friend to stand with you, you might find things a little easier. But so many don’t have anyone. Even friends and family don’t understand. Those who want to help may not know how. And, of course, there are those who just want to blame, and they blame you. What they really want is for your crisis to be over for them. So, you have to try to put things back together yourself.
Narcissists take things from you. They touch everything in your life. Nothing is off limits or special. And they mess things up. They break things, move things, change things. The more important something was to you, the closer you held it to yourself, the more the narcissist wanted it. It is not unusual for victims to feel like they have been robbed. Yet, everything is such a mess that you can barely seen what’s gone.
One of my goals for this blog is to help people see life beyond the narcissist. For many, that will mean after the relationship is over. For some, it will be a rebuilding process while the relationship continues. Narcissistic relationships come in many shapes and forms. Not all are marriage or intimate relationships. Some are family. Some are work. Some are friendships. Some are even in church. All of them take precious things from your life. All of them can leave you in a mess.
Finding what they took and learning how to get those things back will be a process of restoration and growing health. So, over the coming weeks, I want to point out some things narcissistic relationships take from us. There are many. Some will relate to almost all personal relationships: marriage, family, friends. Some will connect with organizational or corporate relationships, like work or church. I want to look at these in the context of Christian experience, but there will be applications for anyone.
Not everyone has experienced the same losses, of course. Different narcissistic relationships take different things. Different narcissists seem to need different things. While some take your sense of peace with their many and unpredictable crises, others take your sense of adventure and leave you a life of drudgery. Some take concrete things, like savings accounts, while others take more spiritual things like hope. We will talk about these and others.
Feel free to comment and suggest topics, although I have a long list already. I would especially like to hear from those who have discovered precious parts of themselves that were taken away or lost in the narcissistic relationship, and how those have been restored to you.