Plans

It’s Narcissist Friday!

What did you expect life to be like by now?

For the past few months, the posts here have been about the things narcissists have taken away from us. Certainly one of the most common and troubling things narcissistic relationships tear from us is the plan we had for our futures. In fact, it seems that almost any kind of narcissistic relationship can affect the plans you have.

When you got married, you looked forward to the “happily ever after.” You didn’t know he/she would cheat and then leave you. You didn’t know you would have to get a divorce or live in the same house with such anger and abuse. Many young women had dreams of jobs and travel and good things until they connected with the narcissist who took it all away. Many young men looked forward to a life of love and family until they found that their narcissist had other plans.

As a child, you might have looked forward to the day you were free from your controlling parent(s). You thought you could have your own life and your own family. But Mom has never let you go. Her chronic ailments, her critical words, her manipulative gatherings. She has managed to insert herself into your future, and your plans have disappeared.

When you joined the company, you thought you could rise through the ranks. If you worked hard and did well, you could get a good wage and promotions. But the narcissistic boss only sees you as a servant to make him look good. He holds back promotions and says you haven’t earned a raise. The future you had planned has not happened. Knowing that he will be asked to give you a reference, you doubt your plans will ever come about.

Now you have debt. Now you have a baby. Now you have a dead-end job. Now you have a spouse who sees you as a servant. What happened?

You see, when the narcissist enters your life, he/she becomes the focus. Your plans are meaningless. The money you had saved is gone. The skills you used to have are almost forgotten. All because the narcissist was threatened by your abilities and/or independence.

The narcissist saw your plans either as having no value or as being a threat to his/her plans. That surprised you. You were unprepared and probably didn’t even realize what happened until too late.

But is it too late? At what age do you stop learning? I hope you say: Never! You might be able to reclaim some of those plans. You certainly can begin to make new ones. What the narcissist did was not fatal. You will recover. Things will be different, but they can still be yours.

Someone once asked, “Do you know how old I will be when I get my degree in four years?” Someone else answered, “How old will you be in four years if you don’t get your degree?” Don’t focus on what you have missed, focus on what can still be accomplished.

Make your plans now, even if the narcissist in your life might work against them. Plan for the opposition. You are stronger and smarter now. Submit your plans to the Lord who loves you, and let Him be your guide and help.

5 Comments

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5 responses to “Plans

  1. Batya Ahul

    God is good all the time😎Amen to that

  2. “Submit your plans to the Lord who loves you, and let Him be your guide and help.” ~ Amen!

    Narcissists stole everything from me: my physical health, my mental health, my reputation, and every last penny of the inheritance my grandfather left me.

    But they can’t steal the Lord away from me! They can’t steal my salvation! They can’t even steal my peace anymore. I am the Lord’s and He is my protector, my healer and my provider. The Lord God is my inheritance. I have a future, now and forever, with Him!

  3. Thank you so much for these encouraging words.

  4. Sarah

    Thank you so much for your encouraging post.

    I feel that my manipulative and deceitful husband has stolen so much from me. I am only viewed as a money making machine. If there is anything that will help me earn more then my husband will encourage me to go for it. A degree, why not? That will bring in more money. I love to travel but he does not, so I am not allowed to go on my own or with my family. If we go anywhere at all, I have to get his blessings first.

    Soon after we were married he suggested we go to a different state to live and he even sent my cv’s to prospective employers. I did get a job offer and we left and have been away for two decades. Now we are planning to return to our home state but my husband is looking to sell our existing house and buy a new house far away from my family. My family have been my support all these years even though I was working in a different state.

    Our son will be going away to college soon and my husband wants to adopt a child. I think we are to old to raise a child now. I am 56 years and am looking to retire in a few years. I am not sure if his desire to adopt a child at this stage of our lives is just an excuse to continue to latch on to me to enjoy our comfortable life and access to my money. He has not worked for 19 years and I have been supporting our family full time financially.

    He has even made plans to buy properties with the inheritance my father left me. If I disagree with him, it ends up in an argument. It is as though he has a right to decide my future. I want to travel and see the world. He looks at this as a waste of money. I also like to practice hospitality and invite friends over for meals but this becomes a battle sometimes as he will decide on the menu, etc. When I do what I want, he will criticize my cooking. He does not encourage me to cook or bake but will openly compliment others who can cook/bake. I feel that he has stolen my life with his controlling ways. Any advice will be welcome.

  5. Savedbygrace

    HI Sarah- Dave said look at what you do have..as I read your post I see an amazing woman who has
    resilience (you have stayed in this marriage as wife and mother and raised a family)
    strength (you have put up with a lot)
    insight (you are getting a handle on your husbands actual character)
    intelligence (you can study)
    dependability (you have held down a job)
    financial resources (your inheritance is YOUR inheritance)
    supportive family (they are a resource)
    plus a whole lot more..

    Everyone has the right to live their own life- to have their own voice and make their own decisions and plans… marriage should not mean that a woman signs these basic rights away, in a healthy marriage there is respect for the other person’s individuality, a healthy sharing of hopes and dreams, compromise which is ‘win-win’ and does not diminish the other person. There is a delight in differences and an affirmation and support of each other.

    You can say “no ” to him. Narcissists hate it. There will be fall out. I guess you need to think “what will my life look like if I just ‘go along to get along’ in the short term?” Really take time to imagine -“if he gets his way with all these suggestions, what will my life look life in 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now? Can I live that life?”

    eg based on past history – you will be the one doing the work for any adopted child- is that what you want? If not- say “No. I dont agree. I wont do it.”

    Like a lot of narcissists it seems to me he is ‘riding on your coat tails’- I feel angry when I read how he treats you..you deserve better, you truly do.
    you have a lot more say in your future than you realise- look at all the things you have going for you. If you are a person of faith- pray and ask God to give you wisdom to know the way forward
    Every blessing x

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