Defining Confidence

It’s Narcissist Friday!

Shamed people have trouble trusting themselves. Confused people lack confidence. Broken people live in fear and submission.

So, why do narcissists bring shame, confusion, and cruelty? Because they gain power and prestige over others. People who lack confidence are much easier to control. Narcissists need to control.

Think about narcissistic control tactics. Gaslighting. Projection. Lying. Anger. Cheating. These things are used because they work. Narcissists work hard to break people down, undercutting their enthusiasm and courage.

And do you know what narcissists fear? Confident people. People who stand up to their manipulations and cruelty. They’ll hate anyone who can slip out of their control.

It is not a coincidence that many churches seem to work hard to undermine the confidence and assurance of their people. After all, if people actually trust that their sins are forgiven and believe that Jesus has provided everything necessary for their salvation, then those people are much harder to manipulate. Legalist and abusive pastors and church leaders need to control.

Confidence comes out of identity and truth. Confidence allows you and me to hear criticisms and not fall down in shame. Confidence allows us to hold opinions that are unpopular even when others mock us. Confidence allows us to keep moving forward when others remind us of the past or the failures. Confidence makes us hard to control.

So, how do you become more confident? Learn who you are in Christ. Believe that you are forgiven. Believe that Heaven is yours because of what He has given you. Believe that you are greatly loved.

I recently watched an ad for a simple white t-shirt that cannot be stained. They poured ketchup and oil and all kinds of things on it, but all slid off without sticking. The shirt was just as white after as before.

That’s you! Nothing the narcissist says can stick to you. It doesn’t matter whether others believe it. I know it hurts. I know it might close doors. Narcissists lie very effectively. But you should not believe the lies. You should believe the truth about yourself. You should walk in confidence because of the Lord’s love.

The narcissist would take your confidence away. He/she would make you doubt yourself. Whether it’s a spouse or a legalistic teacher, the narcissist wants you to be unsure of your abilities and position.

Listen: confidence does not come from doing well. Success might give people a certain pride, but it does not guarantee confidence for the next project. Many successful and popular people lack confidence. In fact, your contribution to the narcissist is why he/she is with you. You are probably already successful in some way in the narcissist’s eyes.

No, confidence comes from within you. When you can look at yourself without rejection and shame, you can stand up straight and handle criticisms. Stop downgrading yourself! Every time you find yourself saying that you are stupid or lazy or wicked or something else, stop it! Don’t do the narcissist’s work for him. Instead, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are loved and valuable. Tell yourself that God has given you good gifts and abilities. Tell yourself that others can be blessed through you. Then walk in confidence because those things are true!

Think about this: you are loved and cherished by the King of kings! You will spend eternity in His presence. You are more than accepted, you are desired. He has committed Himself to you. You will never be alone, never be unloved, never be rejected. You are already a success in His eyes.

In that relationship is your confidence!

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Defining Confidence

  1. Judy Payne

    I love this! It is so true.
    Tomorrow I’m going to get my half of the household goods after a gruelling divorce from my narc husband after 37 years!
    I will have 4 good helpers with me but it will be hard. Praying I can keep my eyes solidly on Jesus and that he will hold me throughout my time there. I want to maintain my composure while there and practice being an emotional adult. These guys are experts at manipulation, guilt tripping, projection, playing the victim etc.
    Thankful that God says he will be my strength. Thank you for any prayers you pray for me. I will get through this and survive by God’s marvellous grace!!

  2. Batya Ahul

    “And do you know what narcissists fear? Confident people. People who stand up to their manipulations and cruelty. They’ll hate anyone who can slip out of their control.”

    Yes yes yes, this makes so much sense now.
    It’s like the Lord has sent us to shine a light on their deception.

    Awhile ago I asked for prayers for a job that would enable me to support my family (I took voluntary redundancy see from my school nursing job where my manager was high on the narc spectrum).
    Praise God I have been appointed to an amazing new job which will be setting up packages for children and young people with long-term conditions. I can largely work from home, and I will still be able to do some hours in intensive care (which I adore).

    Thank you for those who prayed for my son (he was being bullied at school ) praise God this has resolved and I am so grateful and I am so grateful to this community.

    Thank you Pastor Dave, you provide a wonderful place of refuge in Christ for us all😎.

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