It’s Narcissist Friday!
Narcissists have long memories. I know they forget things like birthdays, names of important people, promises made, and rules they are supposed to keep. But they remember every detail of every time you did something wrong, even the things you only told them about. They know who they don’t like and why. They know the information that compromises you or those above them at work. And they remember.
They remember so they can use it against you. When you think you are relaxed in a group of people, enjoying a certain intimacy, the narcissist will bring up that old bit of information. He/she might refer to it directly: “Hey, is this like that time you…?” or indirectly: “Don’t you wish you were in Chicago right now?” Only you will know the reference, but you will blush or sputter or get out of there. And the narcissist will laugh at your expense.
A friend of mine rode with a narcissist to a meeting. My friend put his briefcase on top of the narcissist’s car as he took off his coat to get in. The narcissist went ballistic, accusing my friend of scratching the car. My friend apologized and took his case off the car carefully. Nothing more was said. Then. But in the weeks and months to come, the narcissist referred to the incident over and over. My friend was supposed to apologize over and over.
Forgiveness, in a narcissistic relationship, has a twisted meaning. Somehow, the narcissist can speak forgiveness and then continue to use the offense against you. So, are you forgiven or not?
Legalist Christians do much the same thing. They learn of your past indiscretions and then label you. Once you are labeled, you rarely escape. You may be considered forgiven, but you are still the person who did that thing. Unless you can be controlled, you will not be trusted. After all, they know your area of weakness. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was or how hard you have tried to overcome it. The change in you does not overcome the fact of your sin.
So, are you forgiven or not?
The Bible connects sin and debt. We see that in the Lord’s Prayer. The word for “transgression” or “sin” in the prayer is the word for “debt.” When we hurt someone, it is as though we have taken something of theirs and now owe them something. We don’t have to push that very far to understand. The two ideas of offense and debt simply run parallel.
Now, if you have a debt and it is paid off, whether by you or another, can it still be used against you? It shouldn’t be. That debt is gone. If you look on the ledger, there is nothing more on your account. You owe nothing. All your buying power, all your freedom, all your ability to deal with future debt is restored. It is finished.
And those were the words Jesus said at the end of His ordeal on the cross. The debt was paid in full. What debt? Your debt. The price of your sin. When you came to Jesus, He washed away your debt with His blood. You were and are forgiven.
The narcissist might not want to give you that freedom. The legalist might not understand that freedom. But you are still free. The sin that was on your account has been removed from you and cast away “as far as the east is from the west.” The account that was “red like scarlet” is “as white as snow.” The fact that you remember what you did changes none of that. You are forgiven.
When God forgives you, you are forgiven.
Forgiveness in the human realm is less pure, perhaps more complicated, but of less consequence. The Scripture says that all sin is ultimately against the Lord, so the only forgiveness that matters is His. But the people you hurt may still respond to you in their flesh. They may choose not to forgive what God has forgiven. But you are still forgiven.
When I counsel people who want to forgive, I usually say that forgiveness is moving on. It means turning the offense over to the Lord, perhaps repeatedly as you remember and feel the pain, and moving forward with your life. It does not mean pronouncing the person good or denying what happened. Nor does it require trusting that person again or being his/her friend. It simply means moving on without the need for justice or revenge.
In the flesh, forgiveness is hard work. In the spirit, forgiveness is walking with Jesus as we remember and relate to the other person.
Under grace, we have no need to put others down or hold their offenses against them. All that we need we find in Jesus. His love is sufficient to heal our hearts. I can release any debt I hold against others to Him. He can release those who look to Him in faith. Under grace, I remember that forgiveness is up to Him.
So, are you forgiven? Yes!
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