It’s Narcissist Friday!
Narcissists live by points. I wrote about the perils and follies of the point system of morality a couple weeks ago. It is something to consider deeply, I believe. The idea that doing good things earns us good points, while doing bad things earns us bad points, seems to ignore the truth that sometimes all a person really wants is points of some kind. Especially when we are afraid or weary, we just want something. That allows us to do things we consider wrong, just for the sake of “feel good points.”
Now, consider the narcissist from this perspective. One of the primary pitfalls of the point system is the collateral damage it does in relationships. Not only did the narcissist grow up more keenly aware of a point system, but he/she used that system to judge others. In fact, the outward look of judgment helped to distract from the inward look of self-criticism.
When I say judgment, I don’t mean legal condemnation only. Narcissists categorize everyone. They judge according to usefulness. They judge according to offense or benefit. They judge according to perceived comparisons. And that’s just a few off the top of my head. Narcissists are always judging others.
I wrote about this judging according to usefulness here. Narcissists can quickly form opinions about how useful a person will be to their (the narcissist’s) plans or needs. Some people are useful, at least for a while, and will be welcomed. Others are not useful and are usually ignored or disparaged. Still others are in the way and must be crushed.
Almost anyone in a narcissistic relationship knows how the narcissist keeps points based on offense or benefit. They seem to remember every negative thing ever done to them, and those negative points are forever on the other person’s account. Yes, they also know who has been good (read generous or subservient) to them, and those folks get positive points. It is interesting how quickly someone can lose all their positive points with the narcissist, but never the negative, but that’s another post.
Finally, the narcissist keeps points based on comparisons. This is probably part of the usefulness matrix, but that won’t be obvious. Many have noticed how the narcissist can walk into a room full of people and know almost instantly whom to avoid and whom to entertain. Comparisons are made on the basis of clothing, hairstyle, connections with others, position in the organization, facial expressions, and probably factors the rest of us barely notice. Spouses sometimes hear the narcissist say something like, “I don’t fit in that group.” Comparisons have already been made and the narcissist doesn’t like them. Contrary to what some think, most narcissists don’t like to be with people they think are “better” than themselves. They will make some kind of negative comments about the people and stay away. Nor do they like to be with a group of people deemed “less” than themselves. Not interesting, no benefit, not worthwhile. And, by the way, there are no equals. Everyone is either above or below in the mind of the narcissist.
That’s why you will see the narcissist in the group, but not with or part of the group. He/she is either the center of attention or the wallflower (is there such a word as “wallweed”?) Above and separate or just separate.
All of this is based on a system of points conceived in the mind and heart of the narcissist from long ago and reinforced over the years by life experiences viewed through the same perspective. Sadly, it also explains why the narcissist has so much difficulty accepting real love. He/she accepts service and loyalty and devotion, but love is a foreign thing.
In his heart, the narcissist never felt accepted simply on the basis of love. Acceptance/attention only came from points. So he has great difficulty believing that you ever loved him, mostly because he cannot understand or accept the reality of that love. In the same way, the narcissist has great difficulty believing that God loves him apart from a system of points.