Tag Archives: narcissistic patterns

The New You

It’s Narcissist Friday!     

 

If you have walked a similar path to mine, and I know some of you have, you probably hate the term “character building.”  I know my kids hate it.  Back in the day when we were told that character was everything, almost every negative experience was considered character building.  During some periods of my life I have wondered how much more my character could stand.  Having a friend stab you in the back doesn’t feel like a positive thing for your character.  It just hurts.  Health or financial crises don’t seem particularly character building at the time.

There’s a lot I could say about this worship of character, but that would be another post (or series).  Character is not the end all for believers.  The ultimate test of life is not about what kind of person we are or were.  Identity is the central theme for believers, who you are in Christ and who Christ is in you.  The new life we have in Him is who and what we are.

Recently I have been listening to a very good book where the author said that adversity has made us who we are.  I agree with his idea in context, but I want to rush to say that adversity is not the good thing that has made us better people.  No, our response to adversity both reveals the hidden strength we had forgotten and reminds us of our identity.  What we do in times of adversity comes out of and exposes our identity.

You see, I will give thanks to the Lord for using adversities to reveal His strength in me.  I will even thank Him for allowing the path that involved the narcissist.  But I will not say, not ever, that the narcissist was good.

I believe narcissism is evil.  I believe it springs from an evil root in a person’s heart and develops into an evil fruit that poisons anyone who has the misfortune to come near it.  Overcoming that evil is a wonderful thing, a great blessing, but that doesn’t make it less evil.

I read your emails and comments, and I see strong people.  You are either victorious over the painful abuse of narcissism or you are becoming victorious.  You have discovered who you are in Christ.  You have found strength and courage and wisdom.  You have been through the battles and have come out even stronger.

But you don’t have to say that the narcissist was good for you.  You don’t have to give the narcissist any credit for what you have become.  You looked at yourself and realized that you were not the person the liar said you were.  You found that strength and courage the narcissist tried to take away.  You became who you are today because you overcame the lie and abuse, not because of the narcissist.

There is good in this world, and there is evil.  Make sure you keep the two separate.  As you learn more of your identity in Jesus and live as the person He has made you to be, you experience and proclaim something good.  The evil that tried to conquer you, that held you in bondage for so long, is still evil.

Adversity has not made you a better person.  Overcoming adversity has revealed the good that was already in you so that you can be even stronger in the future.  Give thanks to God for that.

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Why?

It’s Narcissist Friday!  

(This post needs to be repeated occasionally, if for no other reason than to keep the T. S. Eliot quote in our minds.)

 

Why do the narcissists abuse people?  Why do they do such things?  They hurt.  They use.  They manipulate.  They destroy.

Why?

Some have attributed their cruelty to hatred.  Some to anger.  Others to envy.  Perhaps they look at the rest of us and create ways to demolish what we or others have built into our lives.   Perhaps they do it for fun, excitement, maybe challenge.

Narcissists can cause a lot of pain.  I read the stories people send to me privately and those shared in the comments and I grieve for those who have had to endure so much.  Some of the stories are hard to believe, but I know narcissists and I do believe them.  And, again, why do they do these things?

I have written about this before, but it seems important to say it again: it isn’t your fault.  You are not an inferior person destined to be the kick-toy for others.  You are not suffering because of some sin in your life.  Narcissists don’t need our sin in order to accomplish their nastiness.  God is not angry with you.  He did not send the narcissist to punish you.  Basically, it isn’t about you.

I’m not sure the truth will make you feel better about the reality in which we live, but I hope it allows you to feel better about yourself.  It’s the narcissist who is broken.  There is something lacking in them that allows them to hurt others without concern.  There is something in them that is very different from the rest of us.  No, they are not normal.

You see, the narcissist simply doesn’t care.  He will do whatever he wants.  She will say whatever she thinks.  Words and actions are part of the narcissists’ tools to get what they want.  They do the things they do because they are means to an end.  If it hurts you, so what?

But, you say, how can a spouse or a friend or a parent think like that?  I don’t know.  I just know that some of them do.  They manipulate in whatever way works.  If it takes being nice to you and making you feel very good, they will do that.  If it takes being mean and cruel, they will do that.  Either one is simply useful, not good or bad.

So is it envy or hatred or sadism or some other perverted motivation?  Maybe.  But I will guarantee you that the narcissist does not feel these things in the same way you do.  If they envy, they don’t think of it as envy.  It is probably much more like base desire.  If it is hatred, it may still have nothing to do with you as a person.  If it is sadism, it does not bring the pleasure you might think.  The narcissist is motivated simply by the desire to feel better about themselves.  Whatever it takes…

Don’t try to figure it out.  There is probably no cause and effect that will make sense to you.  Just don’t believe the lie that it is about you.  A few years ago I ran across this little selection from T. S. Eliot.  I have shared it here before, but it seems good to share it again.  It might help.

 

Half the harm that is done in this world

Is due to people who want to feel important

They don’t mean to do harm ­

But the harm does not interest them.

Or they do not see it, or they justify it

Because they are absorbed in the endless struggle

To think well of themselves.

T. S. Eliot

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Shy?

It’s Narcissist Friday!

“But my husband is so shy. He can’t be a narcissist.”

Those who read here regularly know that I am cautious in diagnosing someone as a narcissist. First, I am not a psychological professional, and few of those who find themselves in narcissistic relationships are. We understand that there are many other reasons a person could be controlling or cruel. We also understand that the term “narcissist” has a popular, non-professional, usage. So, when we suggest that a person may be a narcissist, we usually mean that study of the term and the attributes may be helpful in understanding what a victim is suffering.

The popular image of a narcissist is that of a loud, gregarious, controlling good-old-boy who seems to be friends with everyone in public while criticizing and abusing them in private. We generally think we will know when the narcissist enters the room. But that only refers to some overt narcissists. There are others who are quiet.

Still, I would be hard-pressed to call a narcissist shy. I suppose the discussion centers around definitions. Most of us would think that a shy person may lack confidence or not consider himself important enough or fit to meet and interact with others. That would not describe a narcissist.

However, a narcissist might be quiet. To be quiet is not the same as being shy. Nor is being cautious. In fact, some narcissists do not enter a room with fanfare. They do not go around shaking hands and laughing loudly. Nor do they show off to get attention. Perhaps the narcissist is simply “casing the joint,” observing the people and the interactions.

Narcissists are keenly aware of relationships and expectations in a room. Some may choose to act in a way that seems oblivious, but narcissists will rarely act in ways that seem wrong to them. They choose their actions based on the judgments they have made on those around them.

The young lady might consider her boyfriend shy when he doesn’t want to meet her parents or friends. Then, when he consents and pouts because he thinks they don’t like him, she has sympathy for him. But this may well be a prelude to the isolation that will give him total control over her. Or it could be an assessment of her family and friends as unworthy of him. But, if he is a narcissist, it isn’t that he is shy.

After they are married, he will probably not want to visit family or connect with people in the neighborhood or spend time with mutual friends. She will say that he is shy, but his harsh words of criticism and his willingness to meet strangers or others will betray his real heart. He isn’t shy, he’s manipulative and judgmental.

In some groups, like accepting and friendly families, the quiet person gets a lot of attention. People try to connect with them. People listen to them. Other groups have subtle interactions and structures the narcissist will want to observe and use. And, sometimes, the narcissist walks into a room and sees no one worthy of his attention. Shyness has nothing to do with any of these.

Now, I am not suggesting that quiet people are narcissists. What I want to point out is that some narcissists are quiet—for their own reasons.

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The Path

It’s Narcissist Friday!     

 

Most professionals agree that narcissism begins quite early in life.  The child may be ignored, abandoned, coddled, or abused—but he/she lacks the normal and appropriate nurture of parents.  Other siblings in the same home may be treated differently or may learn to cope in different ways, but some will choose a narcissistic path.  They learn to get the attention and support they need by manipulating parents and siblings and, later, friends.  They might decide that being hurt and needy will work.  They might learn that being loud and irritating will work.  Or they might learn to be devious and scheming to get their needs met.

Now, I understand that parents of narcissists sometimes find this hard to accept.  But the truth is that we all lack parenting skills, particularly those specifically needed by certain children.  If we raise all our kids the same, we fail to meet special needs.  If we try to deal with each one differently, we may be viewed as playing favorites.  The problem is not always in the parenting.  The problem is in how each child views their own upbringing.  It may be a long time ago, but we all remember times in our childhood when we felt alone or afraid or unloved.  We each had to learn how to deal with those feelings and those needs.

So, some children set out on a path that leads them into the darkness and loneliness of narcissism.  Children try things.  They learn what works and what does not.  They are not good judges of why and how certain things work, of course.  Nor are they aware of the long-term risks of certain behaviors.  All they know is that certain things seem to work better than others.  That begins a journey on a long path.

Years ago, there was a management teaching called “GMP” – the Greatest Management Principle.  It was very simple.  People will repeat the behavior that is reinforced.  In other words, if a certain behavior is practiced regularly—positive or negative—something is reinforcing that behavior.  Find the reinforcement and you may be able to change or encourage the behavior.

Narcissistic behavior is readily reinforced in a culture like ours, even in most homes.  Busy parents give in to the loud or needy child.  Disciplining a headstrong child is challenging, and a cooperative and quiet child is easy to leave alone.  So, some learn to fight, while others learn to work the system.  Once on the narcissist path, the child finds a great deal of reinforcement.

Of course, not all such behavior is reinforced.  Sometimes there is discipline, but some children simply learn that occasional discipline is the price to pay for the behavior that, more often than not, will work.  Children on a narcissistic path often face resistance.  The loud child in the classroom may not be liked by the other kids and the teacher may have to devise some kind of punishment.  But if that child believes the path is right for him/her, the loud behavior will continue (or it will be subdued until a better time).

This is what I mean when I say that narcissism is a choice.  It is a path that is chosen, a way of looking at others and self.  Eventually, the distance between the child and others will grow and more abusive or manipulative behaviors will assert.  Narcissists learn to use others from the beginning of the path, but their methods are refined and intensified as the years go on.  By the time the child is an adult, he/she is convinced that narcissistic behavior is not only working but is necessary and right.  Arguments to the contrary fall on unbelieving ears.

So, why do some children in a family become narcissistic, while others do not?  By my study, no one really knows.  It might be easy to assign some genetic predisposition or some chemical or mental/emotional imbalance, but almost none of the professionals believe that to be the case—except, perhaps, with those narcissists who become malignant sociopaths.  Instead, some simply choose a path.  Along the way, the darkness grows, but the child doesn’t notice or care.  As long as the chosen path seems to work, at least enough to provide reinforcement, the hardness of heart and the distance from others will grow.

Then can this path be changed?  Can the person who chose narcissism be convinced to choose another way?  Well, there are some who claim to be able to help narcissists change.  I think the only change will be utilitarian, behavior change for the purpose of personal benefit, and I don’t think heart motivations change as easily.  And there is nothing easy about changing narcissistic behavior.

 

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I’m Here!

It’s Narcissist Friday!     

 

Many years ago, a family came to our church with a young boy who would open the door of the church and yell, “I’m here!”  Every week it was the same.  I began an experiment.  Each time he would say that, I would ask him his name as though I didn’t know it.  And every time, he seemed shocked and offended that I didn’t know his name.  He would shout his name at me.  Eventually I stopped because I could see that it was truly an issue with him.  His need to be known and welcomed was so great that he had to announce his presence and make sure everyone saw him.

The family moved away before I could watch the boy grow, but I have always wondered.  The parents seemed kind and appreciative.  They gave him attention and discipline.  Some of it was the exuberance of life that a child has, but it was more than that.  His brother had no such need.  Nor did his parents.

So, was this the beginning of a narcissist?  I don’t know.  I do know that narcissists expect you to know they are with you.  We are all supposed to notice them.  We are supposed to remember their names.  In fact, we should be happy they came.

The need for attention is part of the basic definition of narcissism.  If the narcissist cannot get it by announcing his presence, he may “act out” to get it.  I have seen adults do some foolish and obnoxious things to get attention.  Even when most of the room finds their behavior disgusting, they get the attention they need.

You see, it didn’t bother this young boy that he sounded silly when he shouted, “I’m here!”  It didn’t concern him that no one else did such a thing.  The fact that his embarrassed parents tried to get him to stop meant nothing.  All that mattered was that people should see him and appreciate him.  The few people that would laugh and welcome him provided what he wanted.

I have wondered what he would have thought if some of us had preempted his announcement with something like, “He’s here!”  I think he would have been happy.  It may have made him feel superior, worth more than others.  After all, people didn’t make a big deal when others entered the room.  His announcement may well have been a way of telling people that they should notice him.

Narcissistic adults, particularly those we consider “overt,” do consider themselves to be of greater value than others.  That’s another part of the basic definition.  They should have special privileges and special voice.  The fact that others fail to see this superiority does not negate it.  If they have to announce it themselves, they will.

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Medication?

 

It’s Narcissist Friday!     

 

We all try to make sense of why narcissism happens. The person who seemed so loving and attentive is now cruel and manipulative. Maybe something is wrong. Maybe it’s a disease or maybe something was broken before and only came out later. We try to rationalize the cause of the cruelty.

The first stage of grief is denial. When we begin to realize that what we thought we had was false or is now gone, we feel we have to come up with some kind of excuse. No one could or would choose to be that cruel, we say. No person could treat another that way, we say. There must be a cause, we say. Once we face the reality of what happened, we want to explain the reason it happened.

At first, most people think they misunderstood. Then they often wonder if they did something wrong to deserve the treatment. Once they go through that process of self-examination, they begin to look at the offender. Something must be wrong. Some terrible upbringing, some kind of chemical imbalance, some genetic defect. There must be some way to explain this terrible behavior.

When we see others behaving inappropriately, we sometimes realize that they suffer from a psychological or physiological disorder. Those who suffer from Bi-polar Disorder or Tourette Syndrome have medications that can help, why not narcissists? Well, sometimes anti-depressants are used to mitigate narcissistic behavior. Certain medications will help with fear and anxiety and reduce the negative interactions in relationships, but they don’t change the thinking of the narcissist.

In other words, if your narcissist is plagued with feelings of paranoia or obsessed with unreasonable goals or compulsive about appearance, medication might help. Anti-depressants tend to pull emotions toward a more reasonable center, but they don’t change the decisions the narcissist will make when he/she feels threatened. They may simply help the narcissist to feel less threatened. There is no denying that, in certain circumstances, that use of medication might be helpful.

However, there is no medication to cure narcissism. Most behavioral medications are not meant to cure anything. The best they can do is help the person handle the stresses of life so that he/she behaves reasonably. And almost all of them depend on the willingness of the person to cooperate with this help.

Would your narcissist take medication to be a better person? Most already feel they are better than everyone else. Is your narcissist depressed or worried? Most are not or would never admit it. Their narcissism is a tool they use, not a disease they suffer. If your marriage counselor or your pastor would dare to suggest that the narcissist might be helped by medication, would that persuade him?

Now, I understand that unwillingness to admit a problem does not mean there is no problem. My point is that medical treatments are almost always dependent on the participation of the “sufferer.” We hear stories all the time of those who truly are helped by medication and won’t stay on it. Considering all the narcissists I have known, I don’t know any who would accept a diagnosis that would warrant medication. In fact, most narcissists will only go to counseling on the hope that their spouse will be changed.

Read the literature. Do the web search. From Mayo Clinic to WebMD they all say the same things. Yes, narcissism might be helped by medication. No, medication will not change the narcissist. The only effective therapy for narcissism is counseling, talk therapy. Even that has limited success for most. In most cases, the only real change will be behavioral.

The more I read, the more I counsel, the more I believe that narcissism is a choice. Somehow, sometime, the child decided that others were not real enough to hurt him. This was probably not a conscious decision as much as it was a way of looking at others that made things easier. From there he learned to handle relationships by manipulation and without heart connection. As an adult, the thinking process is so entrenched that it has become subconscious. Could a good counselor take a narcissist back to those early choices and help him/her see other ways to deal with the pain and fear? Yes, I think so. But a good counselor means one who will take the time and handle the manipulation, and one who has the opportunity to keep the narcissist in the chair.

Treating the narcissist is not an easy task. Since therapy is voluntary (unless somehow demanded by authorities), most narcissists will not participate. Those who do almost always play so many games with the counselors that the counselors become frustrated and the sessions are useless. And among those very few who will take therapy seriously and try to change, most will only be able to change behavior. It may be possible to make significant progress into the thinking of the narcissist, but such “success stories” seem to be very hard to find.

And medication? Well, it seems to me that the narcissists are those who drive others to medication.

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Do We Need Narcissistic Leaders?

It’s Narcissist Friday!     

 

The word out there is that we need narcissists as leaders in our current culture. This is no longer a “nice guy” world. Today, we are told, we need people who can make decisions quickly and without regret. Today’s leaders must be ruthless and aggressive. People who care are slow and compromised. When things have to get done, narcissists can do them.

There was a day when the small town had one grocery. The grocer’s children went to school with everyone else, and people had accounts they could pay off over time. Eventually, the town grew to benefit from two groceries. Even then, the competition was friendly and relaxed. Many people went to both stores, depending on what each could get from their suppliers. When one store ran out of a product, boys who worked for the store would run over to the other to get it as a service to the customer. The two stores had accounts with each other.

But then the chain store came to town. The little groceries couldn’t keep up. The manager’s kids might have gone to the same schools as the rest of the kids of the town, but they might have lived in the next town. The owners were from far away. No one had personal accounts at the chain store. If you didn’t have money, you would have to use a credit card. Otherwise, the chain store simply didn’t care.

For the most part, prices were better at the chain store. So most people liked having them come to town. The distance from the owners and managers didn’t really matter as long as the prices were lower. As the town grew, other chains came in and other private shops disappeared. Soon, everyone expected that distance from the owners of a store. It was just what was.

But, behind the scenes, where shoppers had no access, the chain stores competed with great intensity. Eventually, the chains were bought by larger corporations. Those corporations answered not to shoppers, but to stockholders. Shoppers were a necessary bother. They had to be a part of the system, but they were seen as categories and groups, rather than individuals. The corporations could not afford to focus on people, they had to think about money.

Of course, Mr. Johnson down at Johnson’s Grocery had to think about money, too. In fact, he probably thought about money a lot. But he also thought about the people who came to his store. He had to carry certain products and perform certain services for individuals. People were important to Mr. Johnson, as important as money. In fact, money and people were not disconnected.

The grocery I visit most is a Kroger store. Kroger is the second largest retailer in our nation, just behind Walmart. Kroger handles nearly $120 billion each year through its 4000 or so stores. It has about 450,000 employees. That’s a long way from Bernard Kroger’s grocery store on Pearl Street in Cincinnati. Even the original street is now somewhere under interstate highway 71.

I suppose this is progress. We might long for the days that used to be, but we aren’t going back there soon. Nor would we want to go back all the way. Things might have been slower and more personal then, but they were not necessarily easier. At the same time, we didn’t seem to have so many narcissists.

There are about 500 companies in our country with revenue (sales) of $1 billion or more. Many more with sales over $100 million. That’s business in the US. This is what people are talking about when they say we need narcissistic leaders. The competition among these businesses, for sales and for investment dollars, is intense. They have neither the time nor the interest to focus on people.

Now, you say, a lot of stores focus on people today. The staff is friendly and helpful, the prices are great, the product lines are wide—American business is very interested in me and what I like. Sadly, American business today is interested in us as groups. They gather as much information, without regard to privacy, as they can about you and me. They do need to sell product to generate money. But we are all calculated as categories. If one category is dropped in favor of another, that’s just business.

What kind of leader could make a decision that would negatively affect a large group of customers? What kind of leader would sell an inferior or compromised product just to generate more sales income? What kind of leader would close stores that are needed in communities just to save money? What kind of leader would use, abuse, or push out large numbers of faithful employees? Do you see why people say we need narcissists in charge?

I know that not all those in charge of large companies are narcissists. I also know that not all the decisions made by narcissists are good for the companies they work with. But we can see that the distance from people in business has created a favorable environment for narcissists.

And this is just business. We have leaders in many other capacities. Let’s not get started on politics. When was the last time you sat down and shared your concerns with your representative? And then we have churches, big churches, where no one except staff and major donors ever get an audience with the senior pastor. Schools, charities, banks, and so many other organizations have grown to the point where the leaders never have to connect with the people they are thought to serve. That disconnect from people, with the promise of power and money and prestige, is very attractive to narcissists.

So, do we need narcissists in leadership? I suppose we could ask if this is really leadership. It’s more like ruler-ship or some kind of oligarchy. Narcissists don’t care about leading. They only care about others serving them. Apparently, our growing culture accepts the fact that what benefits narcissists benefits the rest of us. In other words, someone has fallen into the trap.

No, I don’t think we need narcissistic leadership today. I think even leaders of large corporations could stop often to think about the people they serve. The large groceries and the large churches could make a point of making their leaders accountable to people. They could stop rewarding leaders with ridiculous salaries and severance packages (Perfect for the narcissist. Imagine a job where you get rich just for being there. If you fail, you get richer!) In fact, they could begin to hold leaders accountable.

Will it ever happen? Maybe. Maybe not soon, but there is a weariness among the people that longs for connection to others. Small businesses are popping up all over because people like to know those who serve them. I don’t expect large companies or even churches to go away soon, but we are getting tired of narcissists.

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