Tag Archives: rejection

Guilt and Shame

It’s Narcissist Friday!  

One of the more subtle and unexplored connections between narcissism and legalism is the use of guilt and shame as motivation and control tools. So prevalent are these tools in the message of both legalism and narcissism that the connection can hardly be ignored. From the pulpit and the bedroom, from the family home to the service organization, guilt and shame are readily available and liberally applied.

Guilt and shame are usually found together, especially among Christians. The church has done a poor job of helping believers to release guilt, in spite of a message that proclaims the forgiveness of sins. Instead, the church has used guilt in a mixed message that never quite allows believers to feel forgiven.

The feeling associated with guilt, especially in the church, is shame. Shame moves church members to conformity and obedience; or, at least, compliance. Those who are intimidated by shame find it much more difficult to stand up against injustice, particularly to themselves.

Over the years I have suggested that guilt is a very inefficient motivator. It drains the accused of energy, energy that could benefit the one doing the accusing. In other words, using guilt and shame to motivate your kids to clean their rooms may work, but it costs them in both enthusiasm and creativity. Workers shamed into cooperation are still unwilling and without passion for the work. Employers and leaders who use guilt and shame will receive a lower quality of performance.

However, if you see the people in your care as somehow less than equal and less than valuable, you may be content with mediocre work and reluctant cooperation. If your members or workers are not real people in your mind and their greatest contributions are unworthy in your estimation, you may not care whether they perform with enthusiasm.

Enter the narcissist.

The narcissist has serious difficulty in valuing others or even in seeing others as real. Therefore the contributions of others have no real value to him. Slaves, servants, peons, sycophants, and moochers surround him. He expects them to serve him, but he also expects them to serve him poorly. So he uses whatever motivation will work.

I suspect that one reason a narcissist will attach to a believer is because the believer is often easier to manipulate with guilt and shame. Believers are usually pre-conditioned to accept this type of motivation. We have learned throughout our lives that most things are our fault. We have been told for years that we are inadequate and unworthy. So we accept the narcissist’s judgment as both true and normal.

But there’s more.

Guilt and shame may be very familiar to the narcissist. If we accept the typical version of a narcissist’s childhood, where parents are absent or conflicted and love is withheld except when it serves the parent, then guilt and shame are the primary motivations for the narcissist to hide and project an image. Rejection was his/her fault. He/she was to blame for the difficult childhood. If he/she had been a more worthy son/daughter the parent might have loved more.

The narcissist knows the power of guilt and shame. So it shouldn’t surprise us when narcissists seek victims who are already conditioned to that motivation. Nor should it surprise us when the compromised legalist uses it from the pulpit to control his parishioners or move them to conformity. When the narcissist tells his wife that their marriage problems are her fault, he is probably projecting the guilt and shame he has felt all his life and using it as a primary tool to control. When the legalist preacher condemns his people for the clothes they wear or the television they watch, he may well be projecting the guilt and shame he feels for the compromises of his own life.

So the answer to this control is to know the truth of God’s love and acceptance. Shame makes us feel less as persons. We relinquish our rights and our value when we live in shame. We accept the abuse of others and add to it ourselves, because we own the guilt. But that is not the message God has for us.

There is no condemnation for those who are in Jesus, according to the Scriptures. No more guilt or shame, because Jesus came to take that away from us. Yes, our actions may cause pain and our attitudes may be wrong, but that does not lessen our value to Him. We should be quick to confess injury to others and seek reconciliation, but from a position that is both secure and strong. We are loved by the greatest Judge of all and that will never change.

In other words, believers are healthy when they accept the acceptance God has toward them. We are strong when we acknowledge that nothing can remove us from His protection. We are confident when we understand that guilt and shame have been completely overcome in us by the One who sacrificed Himself for us.

Neither the narcissist nor the legalist preacher has the right to pronounce guilt on us. They have no power over us to place us under shame. We are free to simply shrug off their condemnation and manipulation. Understanding that is health and peace . . . and victory.

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Filed under Narcissism

Freedom

Grace 101

 

“It was for freedom that Christ has set us free.”  Galatians 5:1 NASB

This is the time of year our nation celebrates freedom.  It’s a big word and we use it to mean different things.  Chances are that it means something different to a fourteen year-old than it does to her parents.  It means something different to an employee than to an employer.  It may even mean something different in one country than in another.  But what does it mean in the context of grace?

Freedom is a hinge concept.  Legalists will tell us that freedom is far less than we think.  Liberals will tell us that it is far more than we think.  Grace people often get into trouble when we try to explain what it means.  Some have said that it means we are free to do whatever we want.  Others say that we are free to do what is right.  All of this is confusing and misses the point.

Freedom in Christ means deliverance from bondage.  We were slaves of sin, under condemnation and shame, bound to evil in our hearts.  We belonged to evil.  It was our master and the realm in which we lived.  When Jesus came to us, He reached into that evil and pulled us out.  He paid the price, did the work, lived the life, that was needed—and He set us free.

Sin owned us, but Jesus set us free from sin.  The law held us in condemnation, but Jesus set us free from the law.  Failure defined us, but Jesus delivered us from our failure.  This is what our freedom is about.

You see, you and I could always do what we wanted.  Nothing stopped us from sinning.  When we wanted to disobey our Lord, we found ways.  We have always lived in that “freedom.”  So when someone says, “Well, you aren’t just free to do whatever you want!”  You answer, “I always have been free to do what I want and so have you.”  The point is not that we can do things now that we couldn’t do before.  The point is that we are no longer slaves to sin and citizens of evil.

The moment you received salvation in Jesus, that moment you were set free from evil and all the strings it had attached to your life.  In that amazing gift box, Jesus has given you freedom.  You are no longer under condemnation, no longer in shame, no longer bound to sin.  You are free to make changes in your life and He will guide you and enable you.  You are free to live without fear of rejection, secure in His love.  You are free to love others without expectation.

The ways of the world, the flesh, and the devil are no longer your ways by definition.  You are free.  You are free from your past, from the ways and habits of your family, and from the judgments of others.  You are free from the old life, the old you.

And your freedom in Jesus is not just defined by what you are free from, but also by what you are free to.  You are free to experience joy and creativity and rest.  You are free to feel free.

Fireworks and parties and games and laughter are every bit as appropriate for the believer on any day as they are for our nation on the fourth of July.  We have been set free by the Lord who loves us.  That’s something to celebrate!

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Filed under Freedom, Grace 101, Uncategorized

“Grace as a Tool for Hate”

 

Did that title grab you?  The words grabbed me when I first saw them.  Each day WordPress tells me the search phrases people use to get to this blog.  They aren’t necessarily searching for this blog, but they have a topic and Google directs them here, among many other suggestions.  I like to read what people are asking about.

So a couple of days ago I came across these words, “grace as a tool for hate.”  What?  That is so foreign to me that I find it hard to read.  When I learned grace, I learned love.  How can anyone connect grace to hate?  It is hard to find any sense to these words.

But then I stopped to think about it.  Yes, it is certainly possible to use even grace as a pretext for hate.  In fact, I can think of three ways someone might see that happening.

First, there is a sense of elitism when we begin to understand grace.  I have commented on this in a variety of groups, but most find it hard to acknowledge.  Grace people sometimes think of themselves as above those who are “still stuck under the Law.”  They believe they have reached a higher plane and they mock those who don’t understand the truth they have found.  Yes, some pretty nasty things are said about legalists and certain churches—even friends and family.

What we forget, of course, is that we can’t take any credit for discovering the meaning of grace.  If we understand grace at all, we should be able to admit that our understanding is a gift of God’s love.  Our prayer and our mission should be to help others understand the incredible message we have learned.  No matter how much legalists have hurt us, we cannot hate.

There is no hate in grace.

Second, grace is a popular word today.  Legalist churches use it all the time.  I remember one teacher who claimed to have the only right interpretation of grace, one that put his people in bondage to standards and rules and laws.  The most legalist organizations and people use the word, “grace,” because it connects them with the New Testament.  Rejection, shame, condemnation—all in the name of grace.

But that isn’t grace.  There’s no condemnation in grace.

Finally, I have rarely seen more hate in theological discussion than what I see between the Calvinists and the Arminians.  These two groups came from the same movement just a few hundred years ago, but you wouldn’t know it today.  Labeling someone an Arminian seems to allow all kinds of name-calling, rejection, even charges of blasphemy.  And, of course, the reverse happens as well.

But the center of that battle is the meaning of grace.  Both sides use grace as a weapon and charge the other with its misuse.  The Calvinist idea of grace is an abomination to most Arminians; and, again, the reverse is true as well.  So, in the name of grace, one man calls another apostate and seeks to remove him from ministry.  Not that long ago in church history, people were killed for not believing what the other side believed.  All in the name of grace.

But there is no rejection or murder in grace.

Now, I don’t know what the seeker was looking for as he/she wrote those words.  It might have been one of these situations that was in mind.  It might have been something different.  But, I have to say, it breaks my heart to think that anyone could link grace and hate.  If that’s you, please respond to this post or write to me through the blog contact page.

You see, I believe grace is “the activity of God’s love.”  That’s a definition I have used to explain grace.  God has used the message of grace to show me His love and to open my heart to love others in ways I never would have before.

Grace is all about love.

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Filed under grace, Grace definition, Legalism, Theology and mystery

How to unlearn a lie

First, admit that it is a lie.  That’s not as easy as it sounds.  If your understanding has been based on a lie, it will be very difficult to see the lie unless you have found the truth.  In other words, the only way someone who believes himself to be unlovable is to learn that someone does love him.  Of course, learning a fact and believing that fact are different things.  That’s okay.  You have to know the truth first.

Once you have the truth available, even if you find it hard to believe, you can start to establish it in your heart and mind.  Begin by thanking the Lord for the truth.  Tell Him that you find it hard to believe, but thank Him for it anyway.  He understands that you want it to be true.  All your life you have felt unloved, for example, and now you hear that He loves you.  Thank Him for loving you even if you are struggling to believe it.

Then make a clear distinction in your mind between the lie and the truth.  Tell yourself that your feelings of being unloved are a lie and that the fact that God loves you is the truth.  And, when the feelings pop up, remind yourself that they are the lie and the truth is that God does love you.  Then thank Him for loving you.

Now you will want to be with people who support the truth and you will want to hear and read the truth.  Perhaps a change of churches is in order, or maybe you will want to read blogs like this one.  The lie will have its support structure in your life already.  You will begin to identify their words as part of the lie.  But the truth may not have as much support so you will want to find some.  The more the truth is supported, the easier it will be to believe it.

Don’t hesitate to put the burden on Jesus.  He wants you to know that He loves you.  Pray and ask Him to show you His love.  When the feelings of rejection come, pray and ask Him to remind you that He loves you.  Tell Him how you feel and thank Him for the truth of His love.  He will hear and answer you.

 

You see, the lie of rejection and unlove holds us in the most practical places of our lives.  Almost everything around us has been interpreted in favor of the lie.  People have deceived us and betrayed us.  We feel alone, even in the crowds and even among friends.  We are afraid of the pain.  We are weary of the fight.  So we have accepted the lie, resigned ourselves to it.

But it isn’t true!  Jesus does love you!  He reached out to you because of that love.  And every time you reject the lie, you will believe the truth a little more.  This is one of the most practical and prescriptive posts I have written and I do it because we are called to a new way of thinking, to believe differently about the Lord and about ourselves.

Please don’t think this is easy.  It may be simple, but not easy.  The lie is pervasive and persistent and has a great deal of support.  The truth is not forced on you like the lie is.  Love allows you to choose because love values your thoughts and identity.  The lie hates the truth and, honestly, it hates you.  But you knew that.

You may have to do this several times a day at first.  But it will get less.  And then you will be hit out of the blue with waves of the same old feelings.  Just do the same thing.  Reject the lie and thank Jesus for the truth.

 

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Filed under Freedom, heart, Relationship