Tag Archives: working with a narcissist

Set a Guard

It’s Narcissist Friday!     


Medieval castles and fortresses were developed along similar lines throughout Britain and Europe. In Britain, the names given to parts of the complex are still recognizable to us. We know about the moat around the castle, which was originally the trench around the motte, or mound, on which the castle itself was built. You might know someone named Bailey, or talk about someone’s bailiwick, both of which referred to the flat area where the common people lived and the market could be found, usually surrounded by a wall of some kind, a palisade. And you know the word, keep, which meant the inner tower of the castle or fortress, the place where the valuables were kept and the rulers’ families would either live or use for refuge in times of danger. (By the way, in French the keep was called the donjon. Since prisoners were often kept in the tower, either at the top or in a basement area, the English began calling the place where the prisoners were held the dungeon.)

Okay, now you know more than you wanted. But I have always been blessed by the idea of a keep being a place well-guarded, the last place of refuge, defended to the uttermost. In fact, the noun became a verb, meaning to guard or protect. When we keep something, we hold it close. The castle or fortress keep was the place where the most important and precious things (and people) were protected.

The King James version of the Bible came shortly after the medieval years and uses language based on well-known concepts of that time. So, when we are told in Proverbs 4:23,


Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.


…we know what it means. We are to guard our hearts, protect them from the influences around us, particularly in the time of attack. Nothing is more precious to us than our hearts. If the enemy breaks into the keep, and overcomes our hearts, we are lost.

I don’t have the time here to give a long definition of what the heart is, but you know. Your heart is where you know yourself. In your heart lies your identity, your courage, your hopes and dreams. Your heart is the core, the most precious part, of you.

Narcissistic relationships, particularly if they are close, always attack the heart. The narcissist goes for the heart almost immediately. This is why the narcissist wants to pull your daughter away from you and other support. This is why he wants to have a sexual relationship so soon. This is why he demands exclusive loyalty. Whereas others will be content to win your heart over time, the narcissist wants to own it as soon as possible.

This is why the narcissist quickly learns your fears and regrets and dreams. Those are things you hold in your heart. (By the way, you don’t need to keep regrets and fears in your heart, but that’s another post.) Using those things allows the narcissist to control you. Reminding you of your pain, threatening you with your fears, tempting you with your dreams—these are ways the narcissist manipulates you.

This is why the narcissist quickly learns your triggers. What words will discourage you and take away your hope? The narcissist knows and uses them. He/she knows how to make you angry or sad or defeated or confused.

So, guard your heart! Don’t let the narcissist in. You will be able to handle the cruel and cutting words as long as they stay outside your heart, but once you take them in and believe them, let them change your dreams or define you, you lose. Once you begin to think of yourself the way the narcissist thinks of you, he/she wins. So, guard your heart.

You don’t have to believe what you hear. You don’t have to accept the criticisms and discouraging words. You can hear them and not own them. Just because it is your boss or your parent or your lover—that doesn’t mean you have to agree. You may be saddened that they think of you that way, but you don’t have to think of yourself that way. You may have to deal with the boss’s assessment of you, but you don’t have to agree. There may be no way for you to protest or change their opinion, but you still don’t have to let their words into your heart.

Keep your dreams and your identity tucked away and don’t let people play with them. The only opinions that matter are the Lord’s and yours, and even yours is second to His. He loves you and accepts you. He knows you are valuable and good. He knows you belong to Him.

But, but, but… What if it’s too late? What if the damage is already done? What if the narcissist got in and ransacked your heart?

Listen: It is not too late! It’s time to rebuild. Tell yourself the truth about you and reject the lies. Rebuild the keep, sweep out the mess, set it all up again. Who are you in Christ? What gifts did the Lord give you? What dreams still exist? Gather these things and put them into the safe place.

Then, set a guard at the door. What guard? Well, the Scripture tells us what guard is supposed to be set at the door of our hearts.


Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7


Trust in the Lord who loves you. He will keep you safe as you look to Him. The attacks of the narcissist and the evil one will not destroy you. Let His peace stand guard at your heart. If your heart is secure, you will be okay.


Filed under Narcissism

Name the Enemy

It’s Narcissist Friday!     


The little girl had a new book. Grandpa sat down to read it with her. Along the way, they came to a page with a scary picture. The little girl began to squirm. She was scared of the “monster.” The grandfather said, “Oh, that’s not a monster. That’s just a shadow. See? It’s Bob’s shadow.” The little girl was still nervous at the page, but started calling the monster, “Bob’s shadow.” Every time Grandpa read the book, they called the monster, Bob’s Shadow. Grandpa also pointed out his own shadow and the little girl’s shadow. It wasn’t long before all the fear went away from that book. Naming the monster changed things.

There’s a monster in many marriages and families. There may be a monster at your work, or in your church, or in your organization. Sometimes you might wonder if your friend is a monster. The thing about monsters is that they want to stay hidden. A good portion of the fear monsters produce comes from the fact that they operate in the shadows.

Naming the monster takes away some of its power. Calling it by name, rather than just fearing the unknown, puts a box around it. When we use the word “narcissism” and refer to someone as a “narcissist,” we are not trying to make a psychological diagnosis. We are simply naming the monster we have feared.

We are often chastised for using a professional term to describe what we see. There is a category of personality disorder called narcissism by professionals. They are usually not happy when we use that term, because it is their term. They are, after all, the professionals.

We had a lot of fun a year or so ago trying to come up with other terms to use instead of narcissist. You might like to read some of the great suggestions here. In the end, however, we had to settle back to the term that has definition and literature support. It fits the monster we have seen.

If your marriage, or church, or workplace, or whatever seems to have a monster hiding somewhere; if you are afraid of what you see, but don’t know what to call the problem; if something is lurking in your relationship that feels like it needs control and attention; if you feel like you are being used or abused, but can’t quite figure out how—you might be dealing with narcissism. Read some of the literature. Check out the term online. Read some of the many posts on this blog and some of the stories in the comments.

Not every problem in marriage is related to narcissism. Not every difficult person in your life is a narcissist. As you read, be honest. If the term doesn’t fit, don’t use it. It may even be that there is no monster.

But narcissism does hide in the shadows. When it sneaks out to you, it won’t look evil. It will look loving and kind and funny and generous. The monster has a happy face. At the same time, there may be in your heart a foreboding, a fear that things are not as they seem. That’s the time to believe that the monster has a name and to begin seeking it. The day may come when the monster steps out of the shadows, and you will see its ugliness and hunger. The only way to prepare yourself is to find the name ahead of time.

Naming the monster won’t make it go away, but it will limit its definition. In other words, you will stop blaming yourself and stop trying to deny what you have been seeing. You will stop saying that these are little quirks and that everyone has weaknesses. You will begin to see the monster in the light, without as much fear and confusion. And you will find some ways to deal with it.

Even if you give the monster the wrong name, you will find the terror and anxiety diminished. Later, as you continue to study and evaluate, you may learn the real name and have even more strength. But you will no longer be afraid of something hidden in the shadows, working to destroy you and what you hold dear.

No one can effectively battle an unnamed enemy. You don’t know where it is, how it will attack, or even what it is. But once you begin to define the enemy and give it a name, you can focus your energies in the right places and avoid many distractions. Some have lived in fear and defeat for many years before they finally were able to name the enemy. That’s when things began to change.

A few years ago I wrote about narcissism as a monster. You might want to read that post as well.



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Starting Fights


It’s Narcissist Friday!     


Have you noticed that your narcissists seem to pick fights? Things that don’t have to be argued at all become angry fights. Almost any discussion is risky. Disagreeing is almost an invitation to a fight. After a while you begin to think that you should not make any statement, certainly not express an opinion.

You walk away from one of these arguments confused. You don’t know what happened or why. The argument was senseless, the timing was strange, and the outcome was unnecessary. The narcissist, on the other hand, seems happy. He/she walks away gratified, like someone who just bowled a strike or had the first swallow of coffee for the day. You feel beat up, while the narcissist feels better than ever. And you don’t even know who won!

Why does this happen? Why does it happen so often that it is almost a defining characteristic of narcissistic relationships?

Perhaps the most common suspicion of the victim in these arguments is that the narcissist was somehow threatened by something that was said. This may be right, but you may also have difficulty discovering what it was. In fact, it may not be something you said, but something else connected to the argument. In other words, the narcissist might have been in an argument before you spoke. You couldn’t hear it because it was in his head.

Or maybe you brought up something that needed to be done. The narcissist argues either to distract you from what you were suggesting or to make you stop bringing those things up. In your statement, the narcissist heard criticism of poor performance, expectation of some kind of work, or comparison with someone who does better. If you say that you need gas in the car, for example, he might think you are comparing him unfavorably to your father. Never mind that you were not thinking that. He was threatened by the comparison he always feels.

But there are other reasons the narcissist wants to fight and argue. Many narcissists believe that their supply (victims) need to be reminded occasionally that they are inferior and subservient. Fighting is a way of putting you in your place. The narcissist begins the argument about anything, then must win it. When he/she does, you are supposed to know who’s boss. The more he/she can convince you that you are stupid and uninformed, the more power the narcissist has. The whole point is control.

I also think that some narcissists use arguing and fighting as a form of play. Remember that they don’t care how you are hurt in the process. All they care about is feeling good. They enjoy watching others squirm under the accusations and disagreements. They enjoy watching others scramble to come up with answers. At the end, they are energized and fulfilled.

The truly bizarre nature of narcissistic arguing allows the narcissist to walk away victorious even though wrong. If their side of the argument is weak, they often resort to name-calling and other denigrating statements. Whatever it takes to get you to stop because, when you do, they win. Many people report that their narcissist doesn’t make any sense while arguing. He/she will bounce to unrelated subjects during the argument and bring up old conflicts. If they can’t win the current argument, they may well bring up a different argument they thought they won. Whatever it takes.

So what are you supposed to do? The best advice, I think, is to ignore the bait. Let the narcissist disagree. Let him/her be wrong. You don’t have to join the argument. But I also understand that these people are very good at needling you until you respond. You may have to walk away. Even then, the narcissist might follow you. You will have to be strong not to get sucked in.

I know that some people will think not arguing is just giving in to the narcissist. Some will say that the narcissist should be set straight, shown that he/she isn’t always right. Most of those who say these things have never really been in a narcissistic relationship, or their narcissist is weaker than most. Getting into a fight with a narcissist is futile. If you can avoid it, you should. If you can’t, remember that it isn’t about you. Like always, it’s about them.






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Both the ebook and the paperback are on Amazon.  If you buy the paperback to give away, you can have a free copy of the ebook for yourself.  (Or you can keep them both for yourself!)  Just click on the images below to be taken to the Amazon page.  

And huge thanks to those who have left reviews!  




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Supply and Demand

It’s Narcissist Friday!     


I just listened to an excellent message on how the Law is based on demand, while grace is based on supply. According to the Law, God demands our obedience and service. Under grace, God supplies everything that is expected of us.

It struck me that this idea of supply and demand is a core problem in narcissistic relationships. The narcissists demand, and we are supposed to supply. But that isn’t what they think is happening. They think they are the ones who are giving. That’s why they demand.

Think about it. How many times have you heard your narcissist say something like, “After all I have done”? (Never mind that he/she hasn’t done much of anything.) The narcissist sees most relationships as deals. He may only be blessing you with his presence, but you are supposed to keep your side of some kind of bargain.

Narcissists almost always believe they deserve our attention, praise, service, generosity. Somehow, they think they have provided something for us. If we fail to reciprocate, they become angry. Part of the nearly constant anger of the narcissist is this feeling that he/she deserves more and is being slighted.

This allows the narcissist to see what is yours as his. This allows her to take your position, your secrets, your kindness—to use for her own purposes. After all, look at what she has done for you. You owe the narcissist. This is the way the narcissist reasons.

Now, I know. You can’t see anything he/she has done for you. Or anything you think of has long ago been “paid back.” But remember that the narcissist doesn’t see us as individual people with value and needs. The narcissist only knows that he/she feels cheated—all the time. He might be angry with the boss, but you are supposed to supply his needs. She might be angry with her parents, but you are supposed to take care of her.

This is why you always lose. You give a gift and the narcissist thinks two things: “It’s about time!” and “What am I expected to do now?” A simple gracious “thank-you” seems to be foreign to a narcissist. Instead, the gift somehow fits into this business deal mentality. The narcissist always knows the cost of a gift. It will either be less than he/she deserves, or it will require something from him/her. The narcissist hates feeling like he is in debt, yet always believes others owe him. So, even when you give the supply he/she demands, you still lose.

There is no choice in a business deal. If you take something out of a business deal, you are required to put something in. Buying groceries means you spend money. Simple. Being with the narcissist means serving. Simple—to the narcissist. The formality and “law” of the deal help the narcissist feel better about himself. Anything he receives from others is only what is expected.

Frankly, I think this is a terrible way to live. Always angry. Always hurt. Always looking for more. Never satisfied. Never truly grateful. Yes, that’s what it’s like to be the narcissist.

Of course, we all want our contributions to be noticed and valued. It hurts when they are not considered worthy. But most of us don’t do things for the sake of return. We don’t think in terms of supply and demand. Life is not a business deal for us, nor are our relationships. We give because we love. The narcissist knows nothing of that.

Narcissist relationships are like one-sided agreements. Like the harsh and cruel god of the legalists, they demand and we must supply. Under grace, there is no demand, just need—and love supplies. Get your head around that!


Filed under grace, Narcissism

Feeding Trolls

It’s Narcissist Friday!     


According to the Urban Dictionary, a troll is:

“One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument”


I was commenting to my sons that I recently entered into a discussion on Facebook. One of them said, “Don’t feed the trolls, Dad.” We had an interesting discussion on what it meant to feed trolls.

Basically, these are people who drop comments intended to get your goat. (See what I did there?) They don’t care what your opinion is or what the purpose of the post was. Nor do they care if you argue with them. They just want you to get angry or upset. Their “food” comes from your emotional responses. If they can get you to say something stupid or something you might not normally say, they win. They feed on your regret and embarrassment.

Sound familiar? I continue to marvel at how narcissists seem to connect with every manipulative tactic and mean-hearted behavior out there. This one is particularly made to order. Narcissists love throwing their victims off center, making them upset enough to say or do something embarrassing. I have known narcissists who will knowingly say inaccurate things just to get someone angry. They will argue a point they don’t even believe just to keep an argument going and watch their opponent. Argument for the sake of argument.

Some of you know this behavior all too well. She enjoys saying unkind things about your friends just to get you to defend them. He accuses you of something he knows you didn’t do just to get you riled. The narcissist doesn’t care how bad he acts, he just wants to see how uncomfortable he can make you.

Why? Because when you are uncomfortable, you are vulnerable. If you say something you will regret, he wins. If you go a little too far with your defense, she won’t let you forget it. Anything that can be used to control you or make you look bad, the narcissist will use.

Internet trolling is almost everywhere. We have had trolls here, challenging people and “teaching” them. They disagree or accuse or belittle, just to get that response. They love the response.

We learn something about trolling and narcissistic arguing on these social media discussions. First, they are addicting. There is something about the adrenalin rush that comes when you try to slap down the troll. They say something provocative. You respond. They say something else, probably a little cutting. You respond. They write some insinuation or outright negative statement about your intelligence or parentage. You respond. Why do you respond? Because you have the dream of slapping them down. You begin to long for the right words that will force them to run in fear and hide in their holes. But they don’t. Almost always you have to be the one to stop. They could keep it up for much longer than you are willing.  I know you want to find that perfect response for your narcissist.  You might even find it, but it won’t work.

Another thing you learn is that these exchanges almost never end well. By the time you have to quit for your own sanity, you are writing in all caps and cussing and envisioning yourself with your hands around the troll’s neck. Your blood pressure is up, and you are angry. Not what you wanted when you started up your computer to check Facebook. You yell at the kids, kick the cat, and drive like a maniac on the way to work. And the troll knows this. Not the specifics, of course. The troll only knows that your emotions supplied his habit.

No one knows who first said it, but we have something of an Americanism that applies here. It has been used in American politics for as long as they have existed.

“Never wrestle with a pig. You both get muddied, and the pig loves it.”

The only part of this that doesn’t seem quite right to me is that the narcissist never seems to be dirtied in the exchange. The reason, of course, is that you are so aware of the mud on you that you can’t focus on the mud on her. And, she’s so busy pointing at the mud on you that she doesn’t let you or others see herself.

So, don’t feed the trolls! When the stupid statement is made, just let it go. When you are accused, shrug it off. When the narcissist tries to rattle you, don’t say anything. Remind yourself that the needling has one purpose, and it doesn’t benefit you to play along.

Yes, I know this can be hard. If you do get rattled, catch yourself and relax. Don’t give the narcissist the satisfaction of making you angry. Say as little as possible as soon as you realize what’s happening.

Need practice? Read some of the political posts on Facebook. Force yourself to stay out of the comment thread.


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It’s Narcissist Friday!     


Okay, so it wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice. Yes, a bad choice, but you made it willingly. You knew it was wrong and you did it anyway. You wouldn’t do it again, but you did it. As a Christian, you call it a sin. It wasn’t an accident or an error. It was a sin.

And the narcissist knows about it.

At best, he/she will keep it until a comparison or some manipulation is needed. At worst, you are open to blackmail. Either way, you know it will be used against you. At some point, when you are vulnerable, it will come out. The narcissist will laugh and remind you of your sin. She will call you “Goody Two-shoes” and then bring it up. Or he will threaten to tell someone who doesn’t know, who doesn’t need to know, just to get you to do something. You know it’s coming.

Actually, it has probably already happened. Narcissists scour the lives of others looking for “indiscretions,” then store the knowledge away as weapons or tools. They remember everything and aren’t afraid of making things sound even worse than they were. If you told your secrets when the narcissist pretended to be a safe person, if you connected your narcissist to someone who knew, or if you just couldn’t keep it hidden—now the narcissist thinks he/she has power over you.

Is it true? Does the narcissist have power over you? What if he tells? What if she lets it out? As long as those questions cause terror in your heart, the narcissist has power. The power disappears when you no longer fear the exposure.

Remember that no one fears exposure like the narcissist. The reason she collects dirt on others is to keep attention away from herself. The narcissist has secrets and weaknesses he never wants to be revealed. They see power in the knowledge of your sins because they fear the power others could have over them. While it can be risky, many narcissists are held in check by counter-threats. In other words, they don’t dare tell your story because you will tell theirs. That may sound disgusting, but some situations call for such a strategy.

It would be even better to take the power away from the exposure altogether. If the fear could be removed from your heart, there would be no power over you. So, let’s look at how to do that.

First, go to the Lord. Yes, He hates your sin. He hates it so much that He has paid the extreme price to remove it from you forever. He hates the pain it causes you and the separation you feel from Him because of it. But He always has loved you. That did not change when you sinned. He has always been ready to forgive you.

If you have come to Him, He has washed your sin away. That means no more guilt on your account—so no more shame. Yes, you did it. You did many other things also. That’s why you needed a Savior. And that Savior has fully forgiven you. You are free from that sin’s power over you.

Second, if there is unfinished business involved with your sin, you may have to finish it. Pay back the money, confess the crime, admit to the deed. If the narcissist is already using it against you, threatening exposure, you may have to deal with it yourself to take that power away. Pray about this and be careful. You may need to talk with someone for advice. Remember to keep the circle of your confession as small as possible. Not everyone needs to know.

Don’t be afraid to apologize. I am increasingly convinced that the person who can sincerely apologize is both rare and strong. The other person does not have to forgive you. That’s up to them. But you will want to communicate regret for the pain you caused. You may not be able to do more than that. Once you do, however, the narcissist can’t threaten you with exposure.

If these two steps are done—dealing with God and dealing with those you hurt—then move on with your life. No more shame. No more guilt. No more looking back. If the narcissist wants to make you look back or tries to bring shame on you, you are free to reject it. Every time the narcissist brings it up, you can shrug it off. You are not defined by what you did in the past. The fact that you sinned and needed a Savior is not shameful. That’s true of all of us.

But it’s embarrassing. It might be embarrassing for him to bring out pictures or for her to tell your story. We all understand that. There are things in all our lives that we would find embarrassing. Many of those things are not sins at all. Embarrassment comes when we believe our actions or decisions make us somehow lower than we want to be. No one wants to be embarrassed.

Listen: humility is a good thing. We don’t have to be better than others. God already loves us, fully knowing everything about us. We are cleansed, accepted, welcomed, and valued by Him. That’s the best anyone can achieve. The height of human accomplishment and honor is bowing at the feet of the Lord who loves you.

So, when the narcissist teases you about your sin, don’t respond with either anger or pain. The fact that he/she brings it up exposes far more about him/her than it does you. It only comes up because the narcissist feels threatened. You are the strong one.

And when the narcissist brings up your secret in front of others, you have the right to feel betrayed and devalued. That was the purpose of the narcissist. But you are also welcome to tell the others that this was something shared in confidence and it has been fully dealt with by God and the people you hurt. The blame for any embarrassment you feel is the fault of the narcissist. Your friends will see that and understand. Others will simply see a strong person trying to move on.

This is a hard post because it touches places that are already sore. I understand that some of this is easier said than done. But, please, know that sin is not forever and has no power over you that you don’t allow. Jesus has made it easy for us to deal with our sin as far as He is concerned. You may be surprised at how He prepares the way with others as well. The narcissist has no right to use your pain against you. Take the power out of sin and away from the narcissist.






Don’t forget!  You can still get Walk with Me, a 30-day grace devotional, as an ebook on Amazon for only $6.99.  And if you purchase the paperback, you get the ebook for free!  Just click the images to access the links.


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It’s Narcissist Friday!     


We live in an age of fantasy. Magical powers, superpowers, evil powers—there seems to be a fascination with having special power, something to make you better than others. We have probably all been asked what we would do if we had special powers, perhaps lots of money or high authority or persuasive abilities. Most of us would consider such a question to be playful. If we were serious at all, we might decide to stop some evil or fill some need. But that kind of fantasy is a game for us.

Fantasy about having power is not a game for the narcissist. If you look through the list of nine characteristics that define narcissism, you will see that nearly all of them have to do with power. The narcissist wants power over others. The narcissist wants others to see him/her as powerful. The narcissist believes himself to be powerful. The narcissist thinks he has a right to power. The narcissist wants you to respect her power.

If I were to ask you what you would do if you had the power, your mind might go to self-serving things. But after more serious thought, you would almost certainly want to use that power to help others. For most of us, power would be about what we could give or do for others.

For the narcissist, power is about what you can get, rather than what you can do. The narcissist isn’t going to think about all the good he can do to solve the suffering or struggles of others. The narcissist is going to think about what he can have on the basis of his power. In fact, he will consider that power to be a tool for achieving the fantasies he has always had.

We often wonder about those who misuse the trust of others for their own gain. Politicians and entertainment industry people have been in the news lately, not just because of their sexual escapades but, because of their abuse of power. They take advantage of people who come to them for help. How can they do this? Well, it is no secret that narcissists are drawn to these vocations because of the opportunities for power.

If you see a position of power, watch for narcissists. Whether it is high-level politicians, or wealthy entertainers, or pastors of churches, or even leaders in your own small organizations—wherever power seems present, there will be narcissists.

In fact, you might be surprised at the places narcissists find power.  Small organizations, church groups, neighborhood associations, even (as we know) the family.  If the narcissist cannot achieve power in a big place, he/she will seek it in a small place.

Power gives control. Power brings privilege. Power provides attention. All of these are things the narcissist craves. The fantasy of the narcissist is to be surrounded by servants fully yielded and very generous. The narcissist wants love, but will take groveling. In fact, groveling will seem better than real love, because the narcissist doesn’t understand real love.

We have talked before about how the narcissist sees people. “Tools, toys, or obstacles.” In other words, “Serve me or get out of my way.” There is no time for the needs of others, no time for treating others as real people. The narcissist only has time for meeting his/her own needs.

But… you say. Some narcissists have organized great charities and have authored great legislation and have given great speeches in support of good causes. Even your narcissist is kind and generous at times. If all they think about is themselves, why do they do these things? The answer is in another question: What does the narcissist get out of it? If the narcissist uses power to give to others, it will always be to get something for himself.

We are shocked and amazed when the great charity effort doesn’t quite reach the people it was meant to help, when the leaders prosper instead. But we shouldn’t be surprised. We notice the adoration and attention the generous narcissist gets, even though he hasn’t really given anything that cost him. Loyalty can often be purchased through kindness, as can admiration. It wasn’t about the giving, but the getting.

Good people are often shocked by the abuse of power. We are disgusted to see how some use others. But we should not be puzzled. That’s the way of the narcissist.


Filed under Narcissism