The End of the Narcissistic Friendship

It’s Narcissist Friday!

 

You are probably exhausted.  Perhaps a little confused.  Balancing between conflicting emotions.  On one hand you are glad that person is finally out of your life.  On the other you feel guilty for not doing something you feel you should have done better.  On yet another you feel used and abused.  And you are angry.

Yes, I know that’s more hands than you have, but when the narcissistic friend finally leaves you behind, your world is likely in such a mess that you feel like you could have three or four hands.  Or heads.  In fact, did she leave you behind or did you leave her?  It was her decision, but you were to blame—or something like that.  Narcissistic friendships are confusing.

I have suggested that narcissistic friendships are among the most difficult of narcissistic relationships because they lack the normal bonds narcissists use to keep people close.  A friend can simply walk away without a divorce or the break-up of a family.  The narcissist must manipulate and bind through a variety of powerful tools.  Those tools, including intimidation, addiction, even blackmail, compromise boundaries in unexpected ways.

So the narcissist concentrated his or her super-power on you.  Few people are able to resist a narcissist when he turns on his charm.  You might feel foolish for having trusted such a person, but you should understand that this is what they do best.  Narcissists use people.  In order to do that, they twist and manipulate and compromise until they get what they want.  This time it was you, but it has happened to many.

How did it end?  Maybe you were unceremoniously dumped.  Someone better came along.  Your bank account is empty.  You no longer laughed convincingly when the narcissist said something funny.  You were so drained that you couldn’t jump when the narcissist wanted you.  Maybe you became needy in some way.  The narcissist simply found someone else to use.

Yes, your “friend” was like that.

Or maybe you finally realized the truth about the relationship.  It was one-sided.  You gave, but you didn’t receive.  You gave all the time and usually it was inconvenient.  But you came to the point where you wanted out and you had enough personal strength left or enough support around you to make it happen.  And the narcissist cried—and accused—and pleaded—and threatened—and manipulated—and pretended not to care.

But now that the narcissist is gone, however it happened, puzzling feelings are running through your heart.

You may feel empty.  Narcissists are consuming people.  They take up time and energy.  But they also provide a sense of thrill and joy and purpose.  This is what they give in the relationship.  Like a drug, they become addicting.  Nothing is the same without them and, even if you know you are better for getting out, you still miss them and miss the drama and the high.

But the high came from you.  That’s why you are drained and empty now.  The narcissist gave you nothing.  You felt good in his presence because of what was happening in you.  The energy and excitement came at your expense.  Like a parasite, the narcissist gave just enough back to keep you giving more and more.  Until you were consumed . . . or almost.

You may feel afraid.  The narcissist probably knows a lot about you, enough to hurt you.  Will she use it against you in some way?  Will your “friend” seek to destroy you?  Maybe.  Narcissists are ruthless and cruel.  If they think they will gain something from your pain, even amusement, they will cause it.  But you will survive the damage.  Just keep going.  The threat is there because the narcissist knows, not because the relationship ended.  You faced the same danger the whole way and you survived.

And you may feel afraid for other reasons.  Do you go back to a life that is somehow less now?  If the narcissist brought excitement with the risk and pain, what is life like now?  The narcissist probably tried to convince you that your life was worthless and boring without him.  Or she made you believe you needed her and that you were incompetent to handle things on your own.

You can overcome all these fears as you understand that the narcissist is a weak and frightened child who throws tantrums and wants to be coddled.  Move on with confidence.

You may feel angry.  When you begin to understand that you were used and deceived, it is natural to feel anger toward the narcissist and toward yourself.  Anger toward the narcissist makes sense; but why should you feel angry toward yourself?  You should have known better.  You should have tried harder.  You should have seen the red flags or listened to other friends.  You should have done this long ago.

Remember that the narcissist messes with your head.  Not only do they blame others for their own problems, but they are very good at getting the others to accept the blame.  Part of what you feel is what the narcissist has planted into your thinking.  You have to reject the blame.

The bottom line in all of this is that separation from the narcissist may lead to symptoms of depression.  That depression may be serious, depending on the level of addiction or self-incrimination.

Please don’t be afraid of getting some good counsel!  You can work through these things.  Just lay it all out for the counselor and learn what you can about the powers of the narcissist.

One more thing: be careful of the next narcissist.  Narcissists mold people into victims (supply).  Many people jump from one narcissistic relationship to another.  This time, listen to your friends and family.  This time pay attention to the red flags.  Don’t let yourself get connected to another one.

 

Help me out here. What would you say to someone who is just starting to move past the narcissistic friend relationship?

150 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

150 responses to “The End of the Narcissistic Friendship

  1. I thank you so much for this article. My ex boyfriend of nearly four years, which was one huge roller coaster ride, on and off, recently got married to a woman he has just met a month ago. They claim they are “soul-mates” and the demise of are relationship occurred one week prior to him getting into a relationship with this woman and than a week later marrying her. I actually deceived him by showing him a bit of attention and than puled the plug. I did this to test him. He went completely crazy, began to email me and text me uncontrollably. He wasn’t able to call me since I have his # blocked, but I can receive his texts. He began to threaten me, telling me he would show up at my house and that if I dont answer ill loose him and we wont get married like we spoke about and I must answer him and I have to tell him why I was ignoring him. He continued this for several days, until I gave into his demands. We spoke briefly for the next few days, but I was away on vacation. I had come back from vacation and he literally stopped calling me at all, so I knew something must have happened within a day. I called him and we spoke, he pretty much changed his complete story, saying he only wanted me to answer because he wanted to know why I would ignore him when we decided to be friends and thats ll he wanted, and I ended up dragging out of him what had happened and he pretty much told me the day before while he was the pool party and woman was at this party that he was interested in and she let her guard down, mind you while he was at this party he was texting me the whole time, telling me how much he cares about me and how much Ive meant to him all these years and cares about me, etc. I ended up hanging up the phone on him, he texted me saying im not being nice and for me to stop, I told him to have a nice life and hope he enjoys his life with his new interest, and the last I heard from him was really?? And now two weeks later, he is married to her. I of course Congratulated him, but then things turned ugly and he has the audacity to tell me that Im clearly not over him and we haven’t been together in years and that I care too much after I had insulted him for stooping so low and marrying a woman he barely knows with a child. He’s 29, turning 30 in a few weeks and he told me he barely knows if he wants kids. I see him as one BIG JOKE NOW and part of me knows he did this to hurt me and shove it in my face that i wasn’t good enough to marry. I knew for months that he has NPD after doing all of my research. We have been playing the “monkey dance” for nearly two years since our last break-up. I am in a much better place than i was two years ago with him, because i didn’t know what i was dealing with before but i do now and i see right through him. the only thing i fear is that this marriage will blow up in his face and he will return. Im moving on with my life and i am happy but like you said he has the charm and in the beginning he was everything I wanted in a man, we were so perfect for each other until the true colors came out. I fell in love with an image and that is the image that is hard to let go of. I need some advice, do you think he will return? I hope I don’t fall under his spell, when he begins to cry and beg, I have been the only woman that has truly ever been there for him out of his whole life besides his grandmother that passed away few years ago, but I know that he knows that i see right through him and I feel he is scared of that because I am a threat to him..I would like to be civil with him as a friend one day but I dont even know if that is even possible..

    • Carol

      To Nooksoflove, In Dante’s Inferno the quote above the entrance to hell says “Abandon all hope you who enter here.” And you have been in hell being in a narcissistic relationship, as I can sympathize with completely. Yet, ironically, to heal you must abandon all hope. Hope that somehow you were special to him, or loved by him, or even can be friends or civil to each other. Hope that he will come to his senses and realize how special you were and how much you cared. John, below, is correct that it is not you in any way, he is an evil sociopathic user who never cared about you and will never care about anyone but himself. The best advice I got, that took me 6 months to do, was go NO CONTACT forever. Don’t feel sorry for him in any way, he certainly is not giving you a second thought. You are capable of love and empathy. Give yourself some of that love now to heal and learn to treat yourself with the kindness you deserve, eventually you’ll find someone worthy of your love who can return love to you. God bless.

    • Dawn

      The fact that he married so soon is likely just another way of abusing you. That’s all he knows and does. He is using this situation to get your guard down. It’s a trick, a plan to see how you will react. Remember he only cares about himself, he does not feel remorse, he only does things to get what he wants, to have his God complex fulfilled. If you are still abusable, ie: of use to him then he will continue to use you or pray on you. He feels no love, and no love loss, it’s all about him. You are a smart person, he is a pro at manipulation, and the fact that you stayed so long is because you do care, you have real feelings. Find someone who will love you back the way you deserve to be loved. And be alert to the red flags. Us caring people will be prayed upon by narcissist’s. I went through this with someone I thought was my friend. I have completely stopped talking to her now after being sucked back in time and time again. Only to feel sadder and more empty inside, And now I’m left depressed with a hurting heart and a big hole to fill… The healing process has started!

  2. Fellow Survivor

    My now Ex wife has gone through many cycles of friends. One friend even acurately told her she was a social climber. Boy was that girl correct and that was 15 years ago. Even her best friend from college, the maid of honor at our wedding she wont talk to. Its crazy. Today is not a good day for me. I am moving out of our house that we sold yesterday so I have to see her. Even now she can’t help those sly little cuts that have an element of truth to them but non the less are not neccessary. I was feeling so much better but its like a sound that will not heal everytime I see her.

    • Penny

      Dear FellowSurvivor: Those “elements of truth” are the stock-in-trade of a Narc attack, as explained here: “What I’m talking about today is how you are set up by the narcissist for criticism. Not only does admitting to having needs of [her] own threaten [her] god-like status, but your expressing a need that you want the narcissist to fulfill, or your telling him/her how you feel about something he/she has said or done, puts a target on your head. Zap. You hardly know what hit you. He/She can turn it around on you in an instant.

      Example: a narcissist who is nurturing a grandiose vision of herself as a spiritual paragon of virtue is asked to admit that she gossiped about you. Rather than admit to being a gossip she will tell you that she only stated the truth about you and apparently you can’t handle the truth being said. Because there some truth in her gossip, you suddenly feel like you have no right to expect an apology or restitution. The narcissist successfully transfers attention from their defects of character to your alleged defects. You were disarmed because of the smidgen of truth in the accusations.

      In psychological terms, the narcissist pathologizes you in order to preserve the false grand image of themselves. In the wake of the narcissistic attack you are left feeling like you are bad. This is related to the idea of projection. You challenged their god-like and perfect image in some way, so they are compelled to transfer their unconscious sense of badness onto you in order to render themselves without fault or imperfection. This is very destructive to you.”
      The rest of the post can be found here:
      http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2006/09/criticism-and-narcissist.html

      The less you interact with her, the more you will heal. You are not the problem….remember that.

      • Fellow Survivor

        Penny, Anna Valarious has a nac of describing all of the NARC behaviours. She tends to alert people to stay away, far away from them. Its just unfortunate that I would never have found her blog or this graceformyheart site if not for the damage already inflicted on my heart and spirit. To be truthful, I have had many warnings along the way that I just egnored. She was so beautiful and talented that i was willing to tolerate way to much in order to be around all the action. As long as I adored her body and told her how beautiful she was I was a good mirror. But finally, when she would completely blow off my needs and critsize my weaknesses, she no longer loked beautiful to me. her body was beautiful but what was inside was not. I could not tell her she was beatiful anymore.

      • Fellow Survivor

        Don’t know exactly where this new story should be posted so I’ll just post it here. My daughter on the High School Volleyball team and they are going on an away trip for games in Oklahoma. She told me last night that she and her mom had planing to go on the trip together to look at colleges after the games. Well, something better came up and the mom (my ex N) told my daughter she wasn’t going to go. She asked my daughter if that was OK, her not going and my daughter replied, “no mom, its not OK we have been planning this trip for 6 months” The mom said “to bad” Poor little girl. She has her mom’s number now so, although it still hurts, it doesn’t hurt as much. The good news is “I GET TO GO TO OKLAHOMA INSTEAD” In two years the daughter will be off to college, couldn’t the ex put off her fun for just a little bit longer?

    • Scarlett

      Dear Fellow Survivor,
      I has such empathy for you. I had several former narc friends who fit the description of you wife. I did not understand the scope of how damaging these relationships and narcs were until I started searching out blogs such as this one,and it is such a relief to know how much these people can haunt us. Is it possible for you to go no contact?

      • Tricia21

        Oh my…This describes my sister perfectly! It’s all about her good time even at the expense of her kids, daughter especially. Thank you for sharing – It’s helpful to know my instincts are right on. And you’re right- as the dad, YOU will have all of those memorable moments with your daughter. I’m so happy for you in that sense 🙂

      • Fellow Survivor

        Tricia21, thank you for your kind response. I wrote that post over 2 years ago and so much more has happened. I still have “no contact” with the x because to be honest,she frightens me. For 20 years I witnessed her trash talk others behind their backs, even so called friends. I would always gently remind her to take the log out of your own eye before trying to remove the spec from her friend’s eye. She would never listen so I am sure I am the target of her smear now. But who cares. The people that know me, know me and won’t listen to her. The people that don’t know me, well who cares, right?

        My daughter is established in a great college now “out of state” and thriving. She was asked to speak at “The Midnight Worship” service last week and gave a presentation on “waiting” I am so proud of her.

        Me, when I first started writing on this blog over 3 years ago I was a mess. A complete basket case. Couldn’t focus on anything. Could not even read the newspaper with any kind of comprehension. Now I can actually enjoy reading again. That is a very big step in recovery. I still think about the lost 25 years of my life, which hurts a lot. If I stay there I get depressed so I try to think of the future more and more now and not the past which is another step towards recovery.

        Ask anyone that has been through this abuse and the one thing we will all say is ” I want to be me again” At least that is how I feel. I want to feel happiness and joy again. Its to bad we can’t just click our heals together and say ” I want to go home”. I wish it was that easy.

        Still Surviving looking forward to thriving again.

  3. John

    This is a very accurate description if the end of a narcissistic relationship. There is a flood of emotions and if you knew them well, you know they are feeling none of them. If they did, when you met them they would have been (sad, mad, hurt, confused, bitter etc) from the end of their previous relationship(s). They never were. No, they were so excited about you that the previous discard they felt nothing for, remember. This is part of what made you feel special in the beginning. You had found your soulmate.

    Think about it now that it is over. It was so unnatural that they left someone for you without any feeling. Now that person is you. You now understand the definition of sociopath, a user, one who is unable to feel empathy or connect. You are part of the string of their failed relationships. You are no better or worse than those that came before or came after and this realization is painful. They have tapped into your own narcissism and you are feeling their narcissistic wound. They have taught you that you are not special.

    Somewhere in this idea of not being special though is your salvation. Your not being special means you are tied to the rest of humanity with something called humility. It is what the narcissist does not have or know, but it will allow you to go forward making real connections. Embrace the fact that the narcissist was wrong, that you and they were not the only two perfect beings. When you do this, you will heal. You heal by living for yourself, but also by living for others, even imperfect others.

    • prodigalkatherine

      thank you, John. I like your point about how the painful understandings in the wake of a failed friendship help you to move forward and make real connections in the future.

    • DR

      John – I love you. I have been saying to myself, and a few trusted people that “he taught me that I’m not special.” I knew at some level that was a good thing, but didn’t have a clear picture of why. Your post brought it home to be beautifully. Thank you.

    • So nicely put, John.

      I would like to learn more about confronting and healing my own narcissism. It really is the sticking point for me when I am overcome with feeling the stinging injustice done by the narcissists in my life. Your point about humility seems to be the culminating answer — and especially tough is the trap of not becoming proud of all that humility!

      This predicament is beautifully articulated in Step 18 of the book “30 Steps To Heaven” by Vassilios Papavassiliou. I would be interested to hear anyone’s perspective on this book, especially as I imagine there may be many hues of faith and devotion with which the non-prescriptive messages in this blog directly contrast. As for me, I have gained a lot from reading both.

      But John, you nailed it. Thank you DR for bringing your recent attention to it!

    • Annette

      “Your not being special means you are tied to the rest of humanity with something called humility. It is what the narcissist does not have or know, but it will allow you to go forward making real connections.” Very well put, as others have already said. Coming from a narcissistic family, it took me ages to get to that point. God blesses it when we do things his way. As a result, however, I often have a very hard time relating to the relatives from my mother’s narcissistic family, regardless of them calling themselves Christians. They often strike me as so narcissistic that they make me cringe.

      Actually we are special, at least in God’s eyes, but not “better than … (most everybody else)” as in the narcissistic worldview.

    • Marcy

      Well said. Humility, yes. We were not the only perfect beings in the universe. What a lie.

  4. J

    “Narcissists are consuming people. They take up time and energy. But they also provide a sense of thrill and joy and purpose.” So true. I always thought that my NH was the biggest consumer I knew — whether it was food, alcohol, paper towels, etc. I just didn’t fully realize at the time that that included people as well. Now, moving forward, life is calmer and more peaceful. But it is hard getting used to having less drama/turmoil/change/direction. That is what our lives have consisted of for 16 years and we all certainly worked around him. I think the children feel a huge void too. I was the stable, calming element but I lack the charisma and excitement that he has. It has been good for me to make decisions on my own, although it’s been terrifying. I will continue to heal and not look to others to “complete” me in the future.

    • Fellow Survivor

      So true. I was the calming influence in our marriage but she was the exciting one. Always on the move, always big plans and parties etc. I just sat back and soaked it all in until I, her hasband, started to be excluded from all the fun stuff to stay at home with the child. For so long I could never make a decision because it was always wrong. And now I have to start doing that again. It aint fun.

  5. Angela

    a lot of good advice and insight in all the above comments..
    the latest N I have tried unsuccessfully to get away from has left, moved, gone. Greener pastures that have not yet been polluted by police/humiliation/loss of his god-image. The first couple of days I was euphoric, then I crashed and have been awake only long enough to eat ravenously and fall asleep again for hours. Today is the first day I have been able to stay awake more than 4 hours. But I know although it looks pathetic, I am getting better. I celebrate every baby step.
    It is true- not being special is the key to your salvation. Praise God. I am human. I cannot save a N, I can’t ride their roller coaster forever, I am neither perfect nor omnipotent, neither am I an eternal N “supply”.
    Only God is God. If a narcissist thinks you are forgettable, fine and dandy. God thinks you are just fine, and when we get back on that potters wheel, He can make us who we were meant to be.

  6. I was very good friends in college with a girl with narcissistic tendencies. I don’t think she’s a full blown narcissist, but I definitely see many similarities. And this piece perfectly described the turmoil of emotions I felt when I finally ended things between us–right down to the “did I leave or did she leave?” question lingering in my mind today, 2 years later.

    This girl was a severe control freak and eventually accused me of being too self absorbed because we both got engaged around the same time and I talked about wedding dresses a week before I got engaged but one after she got engaged. Once she wrote a letter (and getting a close mutual friend to sign it) telling me how sinful and self-centered I was, I realized how unhealthy everything had become and began slowly, carefully withdrawing.

    It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I cried myself to sleep and I had the most horrible nightmares about her for almost a year afterward. I tried to remain friendly, but she cut me off and told our social group ugly things about me.

    I had so much hurt and anger, but thankfully God provided a clear way out and has healed me since. I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with a classic, textbook narcissist!

  7. Anna

    My flatmate – a friend who moved in with me a year ago when he had nowhere else to live – is a narcissist. The highs, the lows and the constant criticism has drained me absolutely and I’m a shadow of my former self. But I continue to let him live with me, making excuses for his attitude, and questioning my own behaviour and responses. A few years ago I was strong enough to break off a relationship that was actually kind and loving (but just not right for either of us) losing my house and belongings in the process but somehow I’m unable to take steps to remove this parasitic negative friend from my new home and life. What is wrong with me. If I can see what is happening but don’t fix it, I must somehow deserve everything I get and I don’t know how to change myself to stop this happening.

    • Anna, narcissists are both addicting and consuming. Your word is right on – parasite. You do not deserve to be used and abused like this. There is nothing wrong with you that has not been wrong with many, many other. The wrong here is the narcissist. This is not love. You have been manipulated and are being manipulated.

      Is there some kind of advocate service near you? Is there a way for friends or family to come to you and stand with you as you tell this person to leave? You don’t have the strength to do this yourself, so find some strong help. Are you in danger from this person? If you are, then find some legal help and tell them you are in danger.

      I fear that you will lose even more of yourself if you do not act soon. Narcissists wear people down until they simply cannot function. Please let someone help you. Just because you helped him out when he had need does not mean that you have to continue to put up with his abuse.

      We will be praying for you and we would love to know how you are doing in the coming days. If you are willing to give us a hint of where you are, there may even be someone reading this blog who can help.

  8. Repol

    How long does it take before the loss of the friendship begins to hurt less? It’s been about 7 weeks for me, after an almost-5-year friendship. Only the first 2-3 months of the friendship were “perfect,” then it got difficult with the demands getting balanced out by forgetfulness and diminishment. Then it got downright mean. But I agree that there’s something so charismatic about these people that it is addictive. I am having such a hard time letting go–believing, really accepting, that the first months weren’t sincere, that I was just the secondary supply for a time. (Still not fully sure if my friend was npd, or bpd, or something else entirely; there was abuse/molestation involved in his childhood, and hardening of heart from how he worked through that in later years; but the effects seem the same to me, except that when I had to make the break to go, for my own health, he was angry but he didn’t fight to hold on. He let go far more easily than I did, even though I had to initiate it.)
    But really, how long does it take to get over the absence of someone like this? Life is busy. I’m not sitting around with nothing. I have friends. But it still feels like a hole. A big, unexplainable hole, where I care too much and I shouldn’t; where I want the good back but can’t bear the manipulation; where I actually feel real fear (with trembling, even) at the thought of contact, and yet miss the person.

    • You are struggling with the strange and unfamiliar mixture of your emotions. One of the reasons they are hard to sort out is that you think you have to understand what happened. Perhaps it doesn’t matter what he was or why he changed. The simple fact was that he became toxic to you and you had to step away for your own health. The emptiness you feel is more than just missing him; it is the lack of the firm answers you need to justify the separation. As long as you feel guilty, you will attach that to missing him.

      So, stop trying to understand. Some people cannot eat certain foods, maybe foods they used to love. Now they just know they can’t because of what those foods do to them. Try to think of this person in the same way. You don’t have to judge him or his motives. You don’t have to think of him as evil. You just have to know that you can’t be with him anymore. For you.

      You have every right to be healthy. In fact, you have a certain responsibility to be healthy, for yourself and for others. Something about your relationship with this person threatened that health and you had to end it. Yes, it is that simple. But you won’t move on until you believe that it was necessary whatever the cause.

      • Repol

        You are right, Pastor Dave, that I want answers. I want him to be rational. I do want him to see, really see, how much I gave of myself to try to help him all those years. For most people, that kind of outpouring of affection and support and resources would generate a response, like it does when God loves us; We love because God first loved us. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t generate respect even. It just opens the door for more “use” of me.
        He wants to talk. I said no to a phone call, but left open the option to meet a few weeks out from now if there’s a time that works (there might not be). And then I felt almost totally sick. I can’t believe how turbulent my emotions are after that contact. I know I can’t go back into that friendship, no matter what. I felt like I was going to fly apart into a million pieces. I feel fear and anxiety and dread and certainty that it won’t end well. (None of those words are emphatic enough. No one should be able to make me feel this way. How did I get like this?)

  9. Repol

    I don’t think I should meet with him.
    Even though it is a few weeks away, and I would hope to be stronger, I think it will be emotional suicide if I meet with him.
    The fear and physical evidence of that fear in my own body after just a couple of messages from him really made me feel like there is some sort of demonic presence here. Am I truly crazy to say that? Honestly, and I mean honestly, just thinking of seeing him again sucked all the warmth from my bones and left me shaking.
    Oh, I pray God will heal him. But I think it has to be completely apart from me. It was just a few additional griefs and pains too many to recover from. I think any attempt at reconciliation would be dangerous. I can never go back to how it was before.

  10. Repol

    Well, I spoke to a youth pastor briefly about my friend yesterday, without revealing to that pastor who my friend was (there is a slim chance he might know him, or family members), and he advised me to be very cautious about setting firm, secure, immovable boundaries. I slept on it, prayed about it, and woke up this morning with a feeling of almost absolute certainty that it is far too soon to meet with him. The wounds run too deep, and I am too likely to be talked into just sliding back, out of empathy, pity, concern, desire to be the suffering servant myself, into just the way things always were. So I wrote a letter explaining that I won’t be meeting him later, that I can never go back to the way things have been for the last several years, but that if he can admit and recognize some very specific and significant aspects of how he sees me and treats me, and repent of those with real heartfelt actions that will help ensure respectful, balanced treatment of me in the future, then at some later point we can talk, but not yet. I am not, however, hopeful that he will hear me, not for a long time at least. And that’s what the youth pastor said: at his age, it could be years or decades before that happens, if it does, so I need to begin the process of accepting that this is probably truly the very end of the friendship for this earthly life.
    I feel OK. I am still in some grief and depression over it, but I feel better than dreading and trembling over the possibility of meeting anytime soon.

  11. Mel

    This is a great article. I just got out of a narcissistic friendship. All I keep thinking is did I do the right thing? My life seems so empty without her but what did I lose. I was her everyday Prozac pill. When she was troubled she called me all the time and when she wasn’t or busy, the calls would be inconsistent. Her biggest narcissistic supply was her over codependent husband. As long as she has him her narcissistic supply will always be fill. She actually admitted to me that she loved that he worshipped her and would stay with him even though she wanted to cheat on him and thought he was pathetic because he would be the only one that would be there for her when she is old and feeble. Everything good thing she did was to show people how good she was or just to make herself feel good. She could never commit to hanging out with me. It was always last minute or when it work for her. During hurricane Sandy we were in a big fight. She called me to see if I was ok but she only did that because her sappy husband said she should check on me. She told me if I needed anything to call her. I had no power, and she did. When I tried to take her up on her offer, she lied that she had to go to her sisters when I asked if I could wash my clothes in her house and when she offer me to come over one night so I did not have to sit in the dark, she did not call me that night to tell me when to come over. She was a walking contradiction. Everything was my fault. I had no right to feel what I was feeling. She felt like I was being to demanding and constantly making her validate her friendship to me. With people like this, you never know how you stand with them. She was a user. Even though she hated her sister in law and said that the woman was trying to destroy her, she said that when she was going to get an operation she would ask her sister in law to get her a good doctor. I was like you can’t ask her for anything, you are constantly putting her down to your family. I hope someone comments on this and lets me know I did do the right thing by walking away from this friendship. Right now I am in the regret stage and I need all the support I can get to stay away from this person.

  12. Repol

    This:
    “She was a walking contradiction. Everything was my fault. I had no right to feel what I was feeling. She felt like I was being to demanding and constantly making her validate her friendship to me. With people like this, you never know how you stand with them.”

    That is EXACTLY how it was with my friend. I had no right to be hurt, he would say, when he did terribly mean or thoughtless or contradictory or consuming things to me. Why not? Why do I not have a right to be hurt by someone’s hurtful actions? And yes, when I would say that such things didn’t communicate friendship, he would say I was wrong to make him validate our friendship. I should just accept that he was my friend even if he didn’t act like a friend would act. I was dismissable when not needed or wanted, and yet, he would keep coming around or making contact when he needed something, and then often with flowery, lavish words of how much I meant to him… but they were always forgotten by the next day. Always. Three times he referred to me as “the best friend he’d ever had,” but then when I asked for something in return (such as, I’m going to be going through a hard trial next week, would you please just check on me–hearing from you would help me get through it; but he wouldn’t; it was too much for me to ask), he told me that he “never thought of me that way.” Never? What?
    Fake. So much fake-itude.
    I think you did the right thing. I am very, very gradually beginning to get some emotional stability back. I still have another N in my life that I can’t as easily be freed from. But until this one repents, truly repents. I have to put distance and protect myself. Other people need me. And you know what? Other people WANT me–want me for me, not for what I can do for them. I’ve seen an outpouring of offers of friendship lately, that come in unexpected, active, sincere ways. I am so thankful for that. I think it is God saying, “I will love you through other people, and you don’t deserve this.”
    Accept the love you DESERVE, not the “love” some N thinks in his/her own mind you deserve. It will never measure up.

  13. Repol

    Coming back for a reality check.
    Why are these emotions so difficult to control? I just want my friend back, but it wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. It won’t be any better if I tried to accept whatever little there might be left.
    I have to get a grip on the reality of the situation and let that overcome this persistent concern and desire to reconcile every relationship into perfect harmony.

  14. Many colleges are on fall break this weekend and beginning of the week. Last night, a dear college-aged friend came over with three of her buddies from school, who came home with her for the break, and one of her local friends. We talked, played games, snacked, and laughed and laughed and laughed. And I realized something: this is the way friendships are supposed to be. We enjoyed one another so much. We talked about missions and the spread of the gospel. We talked about majors and work plans. We talked about relationships. We talked about silly, goofy, lighthearted things. We just enjoyed one another, and at the end of the evening, I was sorry it was over, but refreshed and ready for rest.
    It’s eye opening, when you break free of a destructive relationship and find that weight gone. Had the friend I usually would have spent such an evening with, for years past, been there, everyone would have been under the cloud. He would have refused to have fun, refused to participate in the group engagement, either drawn one person away to get that one’s full attention, or drawn himself away to make us all feel uncomfortable, wondering whether someone should pursue or not. And if I had pursued, I would have been made to feel like a failure–impossibly insufficient to improve his gloomy mood. Never good enough.
    I’m so thankful for last night, and the certainty of what it really does feel like to be accepted. And it wasn’t even just last night, though that was the pinnacle. It was the whole weekend. Another friend invited me and my girls to go on an outing with her and some extended family the previous day. It was a weekend of feeling included and accepted and good enough. What a blessing.
    I’m beginning to learn to breathe again, and to see beauty around me. Two months out of a destructive friendship that had at least narcissistic tendencies if not full-blown npd.

  15. Troubled

    Repol, Tonight I too had a night like that. Since meeting this person it’s like gosh that wasn’t fun at all when we spend time together or hmmm where I come from if you saw a friend you would say hi, sit with them at a meeting or you know act like you know them. This person, non of that you just feel fortunate if you were lucky enough for him to say hi. But then other days, especially when no one else was around he would spend an hour talking, kidding lauhing. So anyhow tonight I joined a new club and everyone was so nice, instantly nice. No weird, no drama, and it was like Oh, wow I wasn’t even sure people would like me. That N stole something from me, made me feel so self conscious, so worthless. I mean if he didn’t like me who would. Ha!! The spell is broken. I am worthwhile…you are worthwhile. They are not normal. I think we want so bad for them to like us that we just get lost in it. There is normal life out there. Wow. You know I was going to go for trying to get on his good side. Heck with it…NC. And 2 months NC for you woo hoo. This was the best story so far. It is not us…its them…yayyy us!!!!

    • Troubled, you said, “I wasn’t even sure people would like me. That N stole something from me, made me feel so self conscious, so worthless. I mean if he didn’t like me who would. ”

      I was by nature both an extrovert and an optimist about people. I always assumed that people would like each other from the start–and that would change only if one chose to do harm to another. So I expected that people would like me, would give me the benefit of the doubt until or unless I proved myself a scoundrel. But my whole personality got eaten away by my two destructive relationships. And what you said about how they stole that from me, made me feel so self conscious, yes! That’s it.

      I found myself turning so inward, looking at me, worrying about me all the time. I became a navel-gazer because I was trying to figure out what was so wrong with me, so that I could hide it, cover it up. And in that sense, they were stumbling blocks for me, causing me to sin in a way that I hadn’t before. God doesn’t want us to think about ourselves all the time. He doesn’t want us to think too highly of ourselves, but he doesn’t want us to grovel in misery thinking too lowly of ourselves either. He wants us to be free in our confidence that HE loves us so that we can think about others! And I lost that ability when being hit from two sides by two different people–my husband and my “friend.” I still love them both. I came to realize that this weekend, as I’ve been reading about forgiveness. I have a lot of hurt. I’m finding my ability to express my righteous anger. I always felt that anger itself was just wrong, and so I would get hurt and keep getting hurt, and never let myself get angry and stand up for myself and deal with it. I gave like The Giving Tree in Shel Silverstein’s kids’ book–until there was nothing left. And only very recently did I realize that I should have gotten angry a few times and nipped the misuse in the bud. Then I would have less hurt, and the anger wouldn’t have been down in there all this time, festering, and making me feel like I was carrying unconfessed sin for feeling angry at all, when I thought it was wrong to be angry.
      I’ve also come to realize that part of the greater hurt my possibly N friend did to me came through his family. They hated our friendship and wanted to stop it. They have a hyper-patriarchal view of family, and their ideal (idol) is the parents enthroned on high with their adult children in subjugation under them, obeying them and honoring them above even God’s individual calling for them, throughout their earthly life. So for one of their adult children to make friends with a person between his age and theirs was rocking their idol. I was too old and far along in my own life to subjugate to them. They couldn’t control me. So they began to gossip about me to others in the church. They painted a picture of me as trying to seduce him, when really, I was trying to help him through the pain of living a life with molestation covered up in it, and help him find and know that God’s grace covered that and covered him, even if his family could never bear to have the stain of that occurrence on their personal reputation. They had to appear like Good People, and Good People don’t have child abuse in their family history, right? So then, when my husband’s abuse of me became so public that it could not be hidden any longer (my pastor knew, others suspected, elders and wives had been told enough and seen enough that there should have been some concern), his family had pictured me as a harlot and a whore, and so there was no sympathy for me. They had created a disposition toward me that said, “Well, she got what she deserved.” So there was only blame for me, not support. Not help.
      And then I had an emotional breakdown. When I realized that my church, where I had plugged in to be active, like a member of a big family, from nursery age through to the elderly–that in my need, they had turned their backs on me. In part it was just apathy. But in part it was the seeds of suspicion and accusation that my friend’s parents had planted against me.
      Only on other family in the church knew his family for what they really are, and he was formerly their pastor at another congregation. He stepped down from the ministry in part because of the pressure they were always putting on him to discipline others who weren’t acting the way they thought people should. Eventually, he felt they were causing so much division that he could not reconcile that he chose to step down from his role as pastor there. Then they followed him to our church. And I was the one they hit this time.

      I’m at a different church now. And I’m free from the young man. But I do still love him. I know he was damaged badly in life, and even though I do believe his parents love him too, I know he won’t likely experience God’s true depth of grace under their legalism and image-controlling idolatry. How will God reach him? I do pray that he does. I can’t forget him. I just can’t bear the burden myself. That whole family has hurt me as much as I can take.

  16. Troubled

    Repol, sorry I lost this thread. It would be neat if we could search by name or subject pastor Dave. I don’t have responses emailed so it’s easy to lose a thread. This is tough to face alone and I am just appalled at your churches behavior. Everything about N’s defies logic. With every fiber of my being I just want my friend back. I feel I must be terribly terribly weak to care so much. I am just so hurt. Mainly because he has silently singled me out. He knows that only I know what he is doing. Yet if he had an anterior motive why wouldn’t he even talk to me when I tried. Stay strong. For me I have to face n again tomorrow. Usually it’s once or twice a week but this week it’s been every day. I am wore out!

  17. Troubled

    Oops and pastor Dave I found the search…of course 2 seconds after I posted my brilliant idea. Of course.

  18. Missing my friend tonight. Worrying about him.
    I know I didn’t do wrong to care about him. I really just want to sit down with him and talk it through, try again to set things right, at least, if it has to end, end in peace. (Though I don’t want it to end; I just want to be safe from harm and fear within the friendship.)
    I hate sin. I hate it. I want reconciliation. And I am so impatient!

    • Fellow Survivor

      Repol, WE ALL DO. We all miss the one that we thought we knew. But apparently, like the reptile referenced in previous post, they shed their skin, leave it behind and never think about it again, but we do. That is our challenge, to recognize that they have completely shed that “old self” and now they are covered by a completely new skin “personality”. If I think back to my earliest memories, when I was 3 or 4, I still recognize myself, the same me. N’s can’t do this And they do it often. I often think that if my ex N, as she was 15 years ago, could travel through time and see what she has become she would be ashamed of herself. But who knows, maybe not.

  19. Apparently, he has shed that skin and moved on.
    Everyone goes away in the end, it seems.
    I will never understand that.
    I have gotten some new perspective in the last week which is allowing me to forgive a lot of the hurts done to me, by this friend, his family, my husband, another friend who left. Even if one or more of those people are N’s, I expected a certain type of action, reaction, response, interaction, etc. from people. When they didn’t meet my expectations for rational behavior or normalcy, for a long time I would assume that what I was seeing was an anomaly that wouldn’t happen again, especially if there was communication: That hurts when you do that. Please don’t do it again. This doesn’t hurt. If you care for me, please try to do this.
    But I didn’t recognize that, for whatever reason: personality disorder, former abuse, attachment disorder, co-dependency, unrepentant sin, idolatry of personal reputation, fear of loss of something, fear of intimacy, whatever the reason–there is disability in each of us. Disability. That means an inability to do or be something.
    I became disabled myself, in a sense, when I had my emotional breakdown.I was honestly dying from a broken heart and catastrophic loneliness. God put two people in my life whom I clung to as greatly as a drowning paralytic would try to cling to a lifeguard. One was strong enough to handle it. Though she has her own set of disabilities, I didn’t pull her down with me. This friend, however, had a different set of disabilities, and even though I knew what caused them, I didn’t understand at all (and still don’t) why love and more love wasn’t the answer to helping him. It was what I needed. But he couldn’t receive it well and he couldn’t give it back with any kind of consistency.
    Add to that his overbearing, legalistic parents who wanted to control their own world and him in it, even if he was an adult, and all his confusion and need to be justified in their eyes by his behavior made him react to me with greater withdrawal and even punishment against me.
    In a sense, they stole from him the ability to see and testify to God providing open, caring love for him through another member of the Body.
    That’s a terrible theft, and I grieve that he is not allowed by the legalists to see and claim God’s work for him. God too is robbed of his glory.
    I recently wrote on my blog about a man who had a HUGE impact on me, and bringing me to faith and giving me love and stability in my childhood, teen, and young adult years. I lost him too, but to death, not to human judgment and brokenness.
    I can look at my life and declare that that man was used by God to love me into the Kingdom.
    My friend has had that stolen from him, though, by those who judged our friendship because it didn’t suit them. He isn’t allowed by those he needs to please to give God his glory for the way God worked to love him through the Body of believers, because the way God worked was with me. And I don’t suit their expectations.
    So I failed the Romans13 exhortation. The weak judged me. And for awhile I held up under it. But eventually, when they would not alter and relent, I failed. I fell into the sin of despising them. Paul told me not to despise them, but they persisted and wore me down and I was not consistent enough or confident enough in my Christ-given freedom through perfect redemption to hold on and keep loving. My own disability came into play–my disability to hold on to believing that I was fully and permanently loved by God, perfectly.
    I couldn’t see their disabilities, their weakness, their failings as something to have compassion on indefinitely. I eventually needed to defend and protect myself. I responded to their harsh judgment of me with eventually rejecting them. Giving up hope. Just wanting their judgment to STOP.
    I have reached a point of more openness now, more willingness to consider I couldn’t see it all. More willingness to accept something different than my own expectations, assumptions, and ideals. Awareness that I have repenting to do too, and in at least one case, I need to ask forgiveness. But it’s probably too late to change anything. My former friend wants absolutely nothing to do with me now.
    There’s a meme going around on Facebook that’s related to 2 Corinthians 13, about love. Love is resisting the urge to jump ship when you see another person’s darkness. I’m learning that and struggling with it at the same time–when is protecting self from further injury necessary, and when is it idolatry of self?
    I think it comes down to when the giving of self is for a redemptive purpose, but even that is hard to tell.
    At some point, everyone breaks. That’s not the goal of sticking with another in love. So, I have no answers. Just a lot of pain.

    • Fellow Survivor

      Repol, we all ask ourselves “why” about these behaviors. I to would say “what you are doing is hurting me” “Its not good for you, for me, for our daughter, for our marraige. Can’t we just have conversations about difficult subjects like normal couples do?”

      I have come to the conclusion that this “skin shedding”, or adopting a completely new personality is their way of obtaining N supply. It is classic. What audience do I want to impress? Act in a way and become what will impress them the most. My ex probably had 3 or 4 different personalities over the last 25 years. We were once in a restaurant and saw a couple having dinner. The “ex” told me she wanted to be just like her, meaning the wife. Now she has become just like her BF divorce lawyer. I could predict her behavior in advance knowing how the divorce lawyer treated her ex husband. Same game plan. Now she treats our daughter the way her father treated her, with indifference.

      This morning while I was in conversation with Jesus I just told him I loved her, cared for her, took care of her, all things that love does and that was from HIM, so we suffer together. I also said “she is damaged” I wish it wasn’t so but only a damaged person can treat another the way I have been treated. If I treated another the way she treated me I would be curled up in a little ball of shame. But again, another gift.

      She is the damaged one, and I have become damaged as a result of her damaged self. I need to cast off the damage that doesn’t belong to me. ITS NOT MINE. And I don’t want to carry it around any more.

      Repol, stop carrying the damage that rightfully belongs to the damaged one. ITS NOT YOURS. It is paralyzing, literally paralyzing.

  20. Fellow Survivor

    Repol, I went to another volley ball game this afternoon and the evil divorce lawyer was there. The other day I was so terrified of her presence that I left rather than sit in the stands for my daughter’s game. Today i said to myself. Wait a minute. She and the ex are the ones with the dark hearts and empty souls, not me. Why should their dark souls drive me away. I want to do right and treat others with respect and decency. Why am I running from them. I know in my heart I tried everything I could to have a happy marriage. She did not.

    Paul warns Timothy to stay away from such harmful people. I am sure you have read the list of characteristics, lovers of money, lovers of self, deceitful etc. He also gives us a benchmark for those that exhibit the Fruits of the Spirit. We just need to find people that “Try” to live by the Fruits of the Spirit and not those that don’t even try and worse don’t care when they don’t.

  21. Keli

    Thank you so much for this article, this couldn’t have been more accurate.
    I was best friends with a narcissist for over 4 years. We first met when I changed schools because of troubles in my old school. We were both new in our class when everyone else had strong groups and friendships. We became best friends really quickly and we shared everything with each other. She told me she had been bullied a lot in a really rough manner and we could bond a lot through that. We only had each other, and we had no room for anyone else in school.
    I first started noticing the red flags when she started playing her games on me. She would call me and tell me some crazy lie, like that she was in the hospital or she had cancer and such and then later laugh at me when i got worried and found it funny that i believed her. Whenever i didn’t answer my phone she would send me messages like, 911, SOS, i really need to talk to you, its serious and then when I would call her she would tell me that she was just bored and needed someone to talk to so she could kill time. She had another good friend before she met me, but started getting bored with her and she would tell me how sick she was of her and then lie to her in front of me. She completely threw her out of her life in a really ugly way. Even though i could see the flags, i was really happy in this relationship for the first 2 years. I never realized that the small comments she would make, about my appearance and even my body were started to kill my confidence that was already pretty weak. She would always make them really smooth and pick one thing at a time. Whenever i was with her we just had so much fun. As we got older she started to talk to boys. They were always some complete deadbeats, drug addicts and they treated her like crap. She got into one relationship after another and the guys kept getting worse and worse. I was really stunned that such a “strong” person would let so many walk over her. Then she started introducing me to her guy’s friends and after all the rejection i had experienced in my previous school I accepted, and even begged her to find me some guys. Needless to say none of those guys worked out. She never felt sorry for me, she just told me it was my fault, i was just being dramatic and i was too high maintenance and i would neve find a guy that never treated me badly. Around three years into our relationship we headed to different schools (some kind of college, we have different school system here). I went to a reputable school, when she went to a school meant for those with learning disability so she could retake 9th and 10th grade. She met her first long time boyfriend she said was mentally abusive. She almost cut off all her relationship with me, and she was always busy with her boyfriend. I met her once after not seeing her for two weeks and after an hour of meeting her, her boyfriend calls and she bailed on me, giving me the explanation that she hadn’t seen him for almost two days!
    I got mad at her and when he breaks up with her, she calls me and suddenly she needs me again. She apologizes and gives me the reason that he had so much power over her that she couldn’t maintain the relationship with me. I forgive her of course and everything seemed to be getting better. In her new school she met new people and forms a best friend relationship with another girl. I also meet new people in my new school but i don’t get close to anyone, because she was taking all of my space. Even though we were both busy with different things we spoke everyday, but the conversations were getting shorter and less important. I start seeing more red flags, she started to make everything a competition in which she always had to win. I was having troubles in my family, so she started bragging about how amazing her family was. I didn’t have any money for a two month period and she starts bragging about all her money that her mother was giving her. If i had trouble in any aspect she had to show me how amazing it was for her. Her comments were started to get worse and more obvious. I had horrible music taste, and she couldn’t listen to my music without being depressed. We had to listen to her music all the time. If i tried to change that she would just get mad. She would tell me that my clothes were ugly and that my style was terrible. I needed her to shop with me, otherwise i would just pick up ugly clothes. I only bought clothes that she accepted. I was beginning to get frustrated with her and I started listening to my parents who had been warning me about her since the beginning. Then I got frustrated with them and told her everything that they had been saying and she started getting the idea that they were the worst in my life, and that they just wanted to hurt me by ruining our special friendship. She even told me that they were jealous that i had bonded with another person in this “special” way. Every time i had a disagreement or trouble with my parents, she would use the opportunity to get into my head. Confused and tired of conflicts I went away for the summer to work on the countryside, where i lived by myself in my own room. I met so many amazing people there and i became much stronger. I was free from all the constant negative comments, i was free from my family drama and I just found myself. I spoke to her on the phone a lot, but not as often as we used to. Then she came for a visit after i had been there for a little over a month. It was a constant fight, because I was feeling strong and confident and she wasn’t having it. She tried in all ways to push my boundaries and for the first time I fought back. For some reason we made peace. I met someone there, for the first time it was someone that she had nothing to do with. When I told her about him she was absolutely not happy for me. She tried her ruin this relationship that was threatening to her control over me. After the summer I came back heartbroken, we live in different countries and decided that the long distance thing wouldn’t work out. I had recently lost two close relatives and i was extremely vulnerable and I just needed my best friend to help me through this. She was never there for me. I barely saw her, she stopped calling and i always had to call her. When I called her crying she would tell me to stop being dramatic and that it was weird that I was still thinking about this guy who was just an asshole. She never listened, and after that harsh advice, she started talking about the guy she was seeing. Whenever I tried to talk about the death of my relatives she never listened and got herself out of the conversation as quickly as possible and started talking about herself. All those phone calls were only about her. What had happened in her life. How she felt. They only lasted about 5 minutes at at time when she always said she would call me right back but never did. For some reason i still tried to keep our relationship going and i kept calling. I always had to be the one who called, i always asked her if she could meet me, but she never made the first contact. After two months of this i got absolutely sick of this and stopped contacting her. A week went by and then all of the sudden she started calling. I didn’t pick up. She started sending me messages, she called my friends and came to my house. She sent me messages about her being in the hospital and of course i knew that was a lie so I didn’t respond so she got angry. She sent me a bunch of angry messages. After a few days of her extreme ways of contacting me I gave in. I met her and we talked and all was forgiven. She promised everything would get better and that she loved me. After just a week everything went right back to the way it was. Except her comments got worse. She was started to make me feel really bad about myself and i finally reached my boiling point. I was filled with anger and I called her and told her that I couldn’t do this anymore. I had enough of her mean comments and attitude. I couldn’t trust her anymore. All I got in response was: “Oh that sucks for you, I’m sorry you feel this way”. Then she said; “Can I call you back, i’m going to McDonalds with my friend”. I just said goodbye. It’s been 4 days since that and I haven’t heard a word from her since. I just hope that this time I won’t be as stupid and give her another chance. I realized that I don’t deserve this treatment and she doesn’t deserve to have me in her life. Iv’e met new people who actually care for me, and through them I have seen that this is not a real friendship. The girl who “saved” me was actually hurting me. My best friend was my worst enemy.

  22. Pingback: Reblog: The End of the Narcissistic Friendship | Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

  23. Nuta

    Or maybe you finally realized the truth about the relationship. It was one-sided… WOW!!!!

  24. Vivienne

    This is great to read… I have had a year getting Narsistic Frenemies out of my life – one was a close married couple whose children grew up with ours- long history, family holidays together etc
    And both husband and wife Narsistic ” friends” treated my husband & I as a source for their supply. Until I started standing up to them. The wrath & revenge is quite shocking – as they sought to exclude us from mutual friend get-togethers.
    Another friend was a manipulative, inflexible, control freak who when confronted in a loving, polite but truthful way- she threw tantrums, falsely accused me – Devalued- then Discarded.
    The traumatic thing I feel – and especial at Christmas time – is that feeling of being dudded, ripped off, used, abused – of there being no understanding, no give & take- even after all the concessions that were made. Empathy V No empathy- it’s just freaky.
    But at the same time- there’s relief- and then a healing that has to happen.
    There’s also the ever-present Narsisists in church- who thrive on art & music – pushing themselves forward & upfront. It’s never ending – I just crave being around lovely, simple, normal, loving people with no agenda, and no Narsisism- it just seems like way too many people have it- or that I am a sucker who attracts them!
    The challenge is how to pick them in order to cease wasting precious years (each friendship here was at least 7 years long!) and how to avoid them – however they squirm their way through your social circle & try to turn others against you.

    • UnForsaken

      Vivienne, it seems we know similar people. I’ve really had to convince myself that They are the weird ones – not us! But that’s the normal I’ve always known. You are So lucky to have a husband who has also experienced this with you, even if it just feels like shock right now it will grow both of you towards eachother and God. Picking friends is not possible for me, but I do look around and ponder what makes a healthy person and friend . I’d love to know your thoughts on it!

      Have the best of Christmases with your loved ones!!!!

    • Pricilla

      Vivienne said: “There’s also the ever-present Narsisists in church- who thrive on art & music – pushing themselves forward & upfront.”
      I do believe you can find a narcissist in just about any crowd. Even in the pews. The church, the world really, these days, has become a facilitator of NPD. We can program our tech toys to our needs, order our food now in ways we couldn’t not that long ago, work for companies who cater to needs in ways once unheard of and there are a flood of apps to download to enable a scary someone with their control/stalking issues. The bible speaks of those in the last days who will have ‘Itching ears” looking for a church that will cater to their wants and needs.
      I am a wallflower by nature and do not like being singled out in a crowd or being front and center. It is my worst nightmare. So I hid from God tugging on me for years to get up on the stage of my church. Scared, afraid, insecure; nonetheless, God put responsibility in my life in the arts and performance in the church and my drive to be involved in them was as service to God, an obedience to that call. I would sweat so terribly from anxiety and fear that I would go in the bathroom before service, before having to get up stage, and line my bra with paper towels so to avoid soaking my clothes, I’d have nightmares, and sleepless nights after performances. It was terrible. It was a terrible struggle I only shared with a few I trusted. I did not have confidence in myself but I had a huge heart for God and to see people come to know him. Over the years I would write plays, perform in plays and have more nightmares and quietly abuse the churches paper towel supply. Because of it, being on the platform or being in a skit or a play, I was ridiculed, as a woman I was oppressed by the men but I persisted because that nagging inner-voice kept saying “do it for Me”. So I put aside my fears, emotions and it was terrifying.
      I was accused of all kinds of things purely to tear me down and make me stop. But I knew two very important things:
      a.) God is on the throne and my decision to give my life to Jesus Christ came long before these people came into my life and He is central to my comings and goings and because of that b.) I didn’t come to church for them, to please them, I came to please God.
      I had to learn that the words spoken to me and about me behind my back, designed to harm me and get me to stop stepping up in ministry, was coming from controlling, narcissistic people who, for reasons I could not understand, set out to make ME feel bad because THEY felt bad about themselves. These are people sitting out there on stand-by, available for Satan to pull their strings and use their NPD to damage the church and it’s progress. Although I may not have crossed words, just out of the blue I’d get people cut me down and speak things of me that were light years away from my true character. My pastor called it ‘crabology’, some say it was a spiritual attack or jealousy, which is bizarre to me because if you wanted to be involved all you had to do was show up and join in! And then there were the classic pew-warming narcissist who would be so ‘warmly’ insulting using scripture to justify their controlling nature – submit, obey, not listening to an elder or leader was disobedience against God so you were rebellious and God hated you now because you wouldn’t submit to the Narcissist who was trashing you because you were doing something good and it was making them feel bad. Their end was for you to appease them because you were the source of their misery, you were doing something that caused a self-evaluation (that you didn’t even prompt or know they were doing) but now they had found THEMSELVES wanting and now YOU were going to pay for their insecurities! I never got that and still don’t.
      So, you see, it’s actually a very different experience when you are a performer up on the stage in your church when your Heavenly Father pushes you forward & upfront.
      Yes, I learned its possible to find a narcissist in any crowd. And if you are up on a stage in a church out of your love for God and your church, mark it down – the narcissists sitting out in the chairs or in the pews will let you know who they are in no time. It is imperative to always stay focused, stay the course, on why you do what you do, what drives you and not be rattled. Trust me – some of the most hateful things will be said to you and about you by the narcissists in church, sitting out there doing nothing and hating YOU because of it.
      Just imagine the church, the outreach, the worship service…if we didn’t stay strong, keep our motivation in focus and let them have their way and tear down the leaders, musicians, artists, performers… . Let them have their way and we’ll all just stop. Is it worth it? Fifteen years later I still don’t think it is, to give in to their insults & abuse, I”m still going, I’m not Quitting and I’m not Leaving but the funny thing is, over the years each and every one of my accusers & abusers eventually left or simply gave up & left me alone.

  25. I want to say Happy Christmas to everyone here.
    And to Vivienne, yes, it happens, and it takes a long time to heal. The more you were invested, the longer it takes to stop hurting. One thing I have found that does help is to establish a friendship or two with people who are “normal.” Truth is, I have a friend who just simply does not have anything to give outside of himself. I don’t know that he’s an N; maybe just so damaged from his own history and the culture he is in, and a drive to find one and only one thing that will make him feel whole. I forget sometimes that he can’t be normal, at least not now, and it’s when I expect normal that he consistently hurts me. I think I am being rejected. (And I am being rejected, but not by a person with the normal abilities to care for people other than himself or someone he is seeking to conquer for himself.) Last week I was in that place–rejection after rejection had piled on, and I was shrinking away into that hurt place, when a normal friend texted and asked if we could get together the next day. I worked it out and I’m so glad I did, because the time with this other person was so completely different. We just went out for a light dinner at a busy local grill near my house, and as soon as we walked in, my friend saw a family he knew. He immediately introduced me and found ways to pull me into the conversation with these other friends of his, to make me feel welcomed into his broader community while we waited to be seated.
    My other friend who have never thought to try to include me, and probably would have even felt ashamed to have been seen with me. But he’s not normal, and he hasn’t the confidence of the normal friend to just be real. Everything has to be shaped to fit some idea he thinks other people should have about him, and my whole personhood doesn’t fit in that. My eyes were so opened just by that event, that all the next day I just kept thinking: Yes, it’s a sickness of some type, and it’s not my fault and it doesn’t have to be that way. Time, distance (if the circumstance allows it), and contact with genuine people helps heal. But I don’t know if it ever heals completely. We were made to love, to build deep, meaningful friendships. When those fail, or become destructive, it really does hurt, sometimes for a very long time.

    Blessings to you all.

    • UnForsaken

      Repol, Thanks for the Great example of a healthy friendship. Your response to how it effected you and your thinking is esp. helpful. I’m more used to having people “ashamed of having been seen with me”, but that is likely in a closed minded place where few people are genuine and are easily duped into cultish thinking. When it’s the majority of people, I just see so many contantly repeating lies about truths , saying that other genuine people are fakes….and you feel like a fool for not believing them! Time and distance, like you say, and contact with people that don’t twist Everything you say, that is what I’m looking for too. Your words are practicaly a step by step for helping me understand and put some of it into my own words…..Wow!

      A Happy Christmas season to you and your loved ones, and many blessings this coming year!

  26. Fellow Survivor

    Repol, its so nice to hear from you and I know exactly what you mean. One of my best buddies, the one who called me everyday for 3 months when I was in the depths of my despair, invited me to go see one of his other friend’s bands play in a local club. There was a girl there who I have known for 35 years and we have always been friends. You know, one of those friends you don’t see for 10 years and when you see them again its like nothing has changed

    I invited her for lunch and we talked for 3 hours and it was all just NORMAL. She reminded me about how I used to be because she has known me so long. We are going to go to Church on Sunday together for our second get together.

    I know what you mean. Normal people are so much fun to be around. No one is acting or trying to be the “center of it all”. I am making it a point to surround myself with only “safe” people right now. Just trying to find myself again. People that have known me for 35 years are the ones that can remind me of who I was before the transformation that happens when you are under the influence of the disordered types.

    • UnForsaken

      Fellow Survivor, I was deeply encouraged by what God is doing in your life this Christmas!! Isn’t it great to see facts that are also Positive?! Our Father is doing miraculous things in your life and I’m so happy for you!

      My Christmas had one sad thing at the end … But, it was the best celebration we have had in a long time. I can feel when God has arranged things, because I couldn’t have begun to make it work out, and He did! We gave the N a “gag” gift of a stuffed character toy , very plush, at the beginning of opening presents and he Hugged it the whole time. Talk about a security blanket! He always talkes Money , cost of gifts, and Age ….but not as much this year!! Maybe it was the stuffed toy, and mabe he was just in the mood to be distacted , but either way , we are So grateful to God for a Good Christmas!

  27. Fellow Survivor–Yes! That example is so parallel with my own. None of my “old” friends, the ones who knew me before all this, are close by, but I keep in touch with two in particular on Facebook. They do remind me who I really am. But face-to-face is still so much better. I’m glad you’ve reconnected with that friend. How wonderful for you.

    Unforsaken, thankful for you also to have gotten through your Christmas well. God is good. Sorry to hear there was one sad thing at the end, but I am thankful with you for the good you can report. Interesting about the plush toy. I wonder what that means.

    I have come to realize that my friend who hurts me has deep issues with insecurity too. I’ve come to think of him as sort of like an octopus. As soon as anything begins to bring him into close contact, he gets frightened, and creates a diversion–like an octopus “inking” to create a shield–and then he runs away and withdraws, claiming it’s ME who needs to leave him alone, or ME who isn’t the right person to be his friend, or something like that. Fear of getting close. Fear of being known. So he “inks” by doing something either to divert to something else (a red herring) or he does something mean or hurtful, and dashes away.

    Sigh. I can’t help him if he doesn’t want to be helped. And right now, he doesn’t. And I can’t let myself be abused either. I just finished reading Steve Brown’s book, Three Free Sins. It is ALL about grace and the subtle way that legalism and works righteousness burdens us all and creeps into our churches. And near the end, he just flat out says, about the legalists, “Don’t let them do this to you.” It’s the same way with abusers, narcs. We have to choose NOT to let them abuse us. I have to choose NOT to be a victim any longer, because the narcissists and the otherwise hurtful people who just aren’t ready yet to face their own issues will keep causing pain, as long as I let them. It’s a fine line, though, and one I’m still trying to understand–how to be giving like Christ (the anti-narcissist) without giving UP my own identity and mental health. There have to be boundaries so that I keep enough of my self to have a self to give to others.

    So we get to carry each other through this.
    Happy New Year, all. Has anyone heard from Penny?

    • UnForsaken

      Repol, it is about insecuriy. It’s a funny thing, but I probably knew that even as a child when everything else was unclear. It took me a long time to admit it! My “one sad thong ” is actually a praise, even if I couldn’t make it sound Wonderful….there are usually many more , And I’ve come to the place that I know what he is thinking. It seems like a good thing to be reminded I’m not crazy or being spiteful, that what I think about his behavior Is true. So it was more of an affirmation: he had to show that he was still the one in control at the end of the day.
      Your words do So encourage me! I can feel the support of the kind people here, and just hope I can convey the appreciation I have for you !
      Penny….I’ve missed her too. My N has off work until past the New Year, so perhaps some others are waiting for things to get back to “normal” too! Yes, let it be a Happy year!!

  28. JB

    I just found this site and I am so thankful. I have the unfortunate experience of having a N, a gay male friend of 3 years, who after I lost my place as the primary supplier, found another supplier (who started as a friend of mine) another female, who is ALSO A N!!! As expected the male N and female N are thick as theives, and male N’s partner is very self absorbed as well. The trio is at best impossible to associate with. Get togethers with the four of us consisted of the 3 person show, all inside jokes and a laugh a minute about things I wasnt involved in. I was accused of being withdrawn and mopey. The female N felt threatened when I approached my gay friend N about some frustrations I had with communications with her. Wouldn’t you know they were in cohoots?!? Everything I said to my gay friend went right back to her. She retaliated by spreading bad things about me. Lately my gay friend has been distant. I asked him for a favor which he said he would do . He did not help me as he said. When I asked him what happened and said I felt a bit blown off, he reacted horribly. Blamed me for not reminding him, not doing a, b, and c, even chastised me for not bringing it up until a day or two later. EVERYTHING was my fault. I went back and forth explaining and, of course, apologizing. I asked him to see my side of things, asked if there was anything I had done wrong and that I hoped we could discuss it. That was 2 days ago. He has not responded, nor, after reading about N’s, do I expect him to. I am making the step today not to try and contact again. I can’t do it anymore. The feelings I have are SO accurately described above. It is such a relief to know I am not the only one this happened to. This is not the first time I have seen narcissistic rage from him. The first time he came back rather quickly and sucked me back in, never apologized, but told me I was important and he wanted me in his life. He has told me that, or something similar, a few times. Each time he reels me back in. I need to be done with this person but, like so many others, I still believe that all those good feelings he brought out in me were real, that I WAS special. I have to recognize that in his eyes, I was an object he could feel off of, then discard when I was no longer useful, only to find a new supplier. Female N thinks she has me in her clutches but I know her game now. She asked if I was ok today and asked if I needed to talk about anything. Um, no, thank you, I’ll keep that to myself.

  29. Hermione Hatter

    I’m glad to find this site as I can relate with the common narc difficulties.

    I have a friend who fits the categories described.

    With me looking for a place to stay, I stayed over to a friend’s house whom at that time I didn’t know was a narc…

    The person had been very accommodating in every sense… And we sort of clicked in my mind we are best of friends despite the age gap.

    It’s only after this end of the year, 2013 that I came to realize that the person is truly a narcissist. there were signs already that I’ve been noticing during the month of July and Aug where we constantly fought…

    And like everybody else i found it hard to leave… I thought I wasn’t mature enough coz of the huge age difference.. I’m 27 and the person is 40…. And I tried to be understanding that perhaps she has issues to deal with….

    But what confirmed me was when I realized how easy was I to be dumped out in favor of the person’s friend who was much more financially and career established… I was left at the house, I thought the person needed my company as a friend… But the true motive was so that I could be a house sitter.. I felt like an absolute s**t at that time… When I said I need to go back and had to get the keys to visit my aunt through text message- the person started saying how busy and precious time was for her that getting the keys is not a priority…again I felt terrible…

    This January I made a conscious choice of leaving the person, and yes I’m dealing with this burnt out and confusion.. I had a hard time leaving the narc- I even made text asking how are things and if ever the person misses me as a friend and the hangouts… The reply was NO I am busy… And I’m with a friend why would I miss a hangout…
    Every time I’d try to ask how are things going- the person would reply things that is about her friend like it was a rub on the face I got no life…

    That was the final straw for me. To this day I’m not contacting her. It is hard but I tell myself I deserve better and respect myself. thanks to websites like and youtube channel, I’m able to understand things.

    I think the hardest part is dealing with missing them of the highs.. But hey I told to myself its not a healthy one… Best find other things to get busy with…

  30. MelMel

    I can agree with much of what you stated in this article. I just got done ending an unhealthy relationship with a narcissistic friend. It was so very hard. I cried so many times just today, as I tried to put into words how I was going to end it. I didn’t even want to end it, because I truly love this person, but I knew that I needed to, for me. I kept forgiving her and acknowledging the fact that this person had a terrible, terrible past and made excuses for her behavior. Yet, if I ever had even one bad day it was not allowed. It was as if I was trapped in a cage of her unrealistic expectations for me and then having a magnifying glass over me and my life. No matter what I did or didn’t do, no matter what I said or didn’t say, I was criticized and condemned for it. I made allowances for her behavior and when I would stand up for myself she would manipulate me and tell me that if I valued our friendship or her then I would not turn my back from her. Yet, she could threaten our friendship when it suited her. I don’t feel angry, like this article said I may feel…instead I feel sad and yes empty. I am grieving for what we used to have, what we could have had, and for our dreams of being old and grey together still being best friends. I grieve for the possibility and I grieve for the woman she could have grown up being if she had not been so abused and neglected as a child. As much as I want to be there for her, because that is who I am, I cannot allow myself to give of myself until there is nothing left. I need to heal. I need to become whole. I know I cannot do that with her in my life when she is the one who causes me the most grief in my life and then finds ways to justify doing it. I’m raw, I am hurt, but as hard as it is right now…I feel like i just killed “us”, this feels like a death to me, but I still know that it will get better with time. I am grieving and have to find the things that make me happy right now. I need to hold on to those I love and who support me. I need to trust in God. Thank you.

    • I just want to say, “I know,” MelMel.
      I know how you feel right now. And it may take a long time to feel better, even if you are getting better a little at a time. Do work to stay busy with other people while you give yourself time to heal. Make efforts to be with others. It helps, for a number of reasons. It helps to distract from the loss and grief, and it helps to interact with others who aren’t so consuming–to be with people who are more normal as far as relating is concerned.

      • UnForsaken

        Thank you, MelMel ! I know that grief too, and you put it So well. Repol is right about being with caring people who aren’t Narcissistic. For me it was hard to find these people, but talking here has helped…..and spending more time with God most of all. He can truly comfort you as He did Job!

  31. stupidme

    Thank you I searched the web for answers because I feel so stupid for falling into his trap and I’m afraid of discussing it with anyone. I have a better understanding and I need to seek professional help because I’m scared.

    • prodigalkatherine

      you’re not stupid. You’ve been through a trauma. Feeling a bit insane is a sane response to insane treatment from someone you care for.

      • prodigalkatherine

        and I’m sorry you’re scared. I think we all can relate. Having your trust horribly violated is disorienting and unnerving. It will get easier.

  32. Ann B.

    I finally after 15 years was able to end a narcssistic so called friendship with help from this site, Thank You, and Thank God
    I do feel very different. I never thought our so called friendship would end. I couldn’t believe it when I read all of the things that I was allowing her to get away with.
    Thanks for Listening
    God Speed & Many Blessings

  33. imoldprof

    When I read the first few pages of the book, Toxic People in the Workplace, I thought the authors had me the narcissist with whom I work. No one should ever feel stupid at being sucked into one of these relationships. I have 2 advanced university degrees and was completed taken in by a master manipulator. Hopefully, we’ll be wiser when we encounter the next narcissist.

  34. imoldprof

    MET not me

  35. Anonymous

    What do I do when this was my therapist?

  36. Kitkat

    My narcissist friend recently ended our friendship (thank goodness). We had been what I thought were close friends for about 7 years. I am a hands on kind of person. I like to get things done. This friend and I started attending the same church and we both got involved in different groups. As I became more involved, I noticed that she would start to say things like, “You’re a big shot now.” All the things that I was involved in, she could have been a part of too. But she refused. She continued to make snide remarks about the others that I worked with or she would become, “depressed”. Then I noticed that she would try to get my attention when she was talking or laughing with others to see if I would be jealous. Which I didn’t get jealous as I thought it was good for her to interact with others. However, the same couldn’t be said of her. When I would laugh and joke with others you could tell she didn’t like it, and at one point told me to “shut my mouth”. Then she would begin to say things about those people that just weren’t true. Things like, “I think so and so hates me.” Or “So and so was nasty to me.”, even though I witnessed their conversation and it just wasn’t true. In the end I found out that she was jealous of me, my family and anyone who associated with me. And because she could not manipulate me like she wanted, she ended the friendship. I might add that, she had told me once I was the only best friend she ever had because she couldn’t keep friends. Then I realized that she dumped some “close friends” not long after we became friends. I try to see the good in everyone and she has many good qualities but she chooses to be miserable because that is all she knows. She hates her husband, kids, home, and her life and I realized that I can’t fix her. To everyone who has posted, know that you are empathetic people. It means you care deeply for others. And because you care, you are a target for narcissistic people. They crave what you are and what you have. Forgive them and don’t blame yourselves. Look for the signs when you seek out new friendships. My red flag should have been her very negative attitude and constant comparing herself to others. The red flag for myself was my thinking that I could help her.

    • UnForsaken

      Kitkat, what a kind post! And true. I appreciate your words of wisdom…..listening here!

      • Kitkat

        I am so very grateful to have found this site. I will be passing it along to my sister who is a counselor and also to my pastor. Both have helped me tremendously with my now former friend. And I know that they both have to deal with these kinds of issues in their everyday work-a-day world. It is another tool that they can recommend to others who have had to deal with narcissistic people. My pastor set up a couseling session with this former friend and I, to see if we could patch things up and all she wanted to do was accuse and disparage me. There were no apologies, no heartfelt concern that I was hurt, and therefore no mending of fences. She only came to get her last digs in. Fortunately for me, I was prepared as to how to deal with her and she ultimately left sobbing telling me I didn’t know what it meant to be a true friend. The irony was, that it was me who asked for help to see if we could resolve our differences. With people like these it is oh so easy to slip into the negative emotions. Try not to take the abuse personally, they really don’t know what they are doing to others. I was terribly hurt and angry as I didn’t know what I had done to cause her to snap at me the way she did in the last few months. So with the help of both my sister and pastor I was able to understand what was going on. Knowledge is power, and this site is a great resource for those who don’t have help close to them to deal with these kinds of folks. I would say also, forgiveness is crucial, as with my friend, they have had things in their lives that helped to shape them this way. She was never really loved by her parents or brother and so she isolated herself to protect herself. But forgiveness doesn’t mean that you return to the negative relationship or abuse. Love yourself, you are valuable. Pray for those that hurt you. And continue to love and care for others the best that you can. It is the only thing you can do. And by God’s Great Grace we wait for Him to sort all of us out.

      • UnForsaken

        Yup, “never take it personally” is one of my favorites, although hard to follow. I think some are not smart enough to know what they are doing, but neither do they care……and most are smarter than we give them credit.

        Loving our neighbor as ourselves can be hard to interperate, but isn’t Whole until we realize it also includes ourselves. We think it’s humble to forget our own needs, but you can only live that way so long without disfunction. Funny how that also puts our love for others into perspective . I know I began to love people, life, and God’s way the more I saw lifes flaws and God’s grace towards Me. It became easier for me to forgive the more I knew Christ had forgiven….but I needed to see it in myself first to understand it.

        Great words of joy, Kitkat. Thanks!!!

  37. Pricilla

    Leigh Nash from the Christian band Sixpence None the Richer and now with Fauxliage, perform a song titled “All The World”. From what I gather in my search for the song and the lyrics, it was penned after the demise of her marriage to a narcissist.
    After the breakup with my childhood non-christian narcissistic best friend of over 35+ years (we lived – eventually – in separate states), with little contact over the years until she was going through her third divorce and blew all her friendships and had no one to feel bad for her destructive behavior and mistakes, she suddenly started calling/texting me …e v e r y… day.
    I learned quickly through that renewed constant contact how childish she was and how ultra-needy she was, making everything I said about her. I couldn’t just say, “I’m reading this book and …”. She would cut me off and say, “oh, I hate reading”. Which meant the topic was closed and if you persisted she would act distant and look off and not listen. So rude. When I wouldn’t go along with her self-pity she would get nasty. She had this weird thing about ‘Loyalty”. To her it meant that you always stand by her and what she said and what she did and always agree no mater how wrong, delusional or misguided she was. Disloyalty was an abomination to her. I rarely if ever disagreed with her. It was the old nodding and “hmmm”. But I knew if I voiced a counter-opinion she would blow up! And she would blow-up and fly-off and snip at you over the stupidest stuff. So I learned very early on to shut my trap and keep her at a distance. But that did not leave me immune to her insults.
    Once while visiting with her extended family with my new husband around her dinner table, I was talking about something with her mom and dad and she blurts out – out of no where for no reason! – she tells me, “You need to get a tan. You’re too white…” Her dad couldn’t believe the way she was treating me and made a comment. She shot back at him, “she doesn’t mind, I talk that way to her all the time” And she never stopped. For years.
    My teeth needed bleaching, my hair needed straightening, my face needed a better cleanser, my makeup was this or that, my clothes could look and fit better, my purse was out of style and I needed to get in a spray tan booth. Head to toe I was flawed. Oh, and I was an angry person. She’s the only one in my life who ever said that to me and yet everyone in her life always told her that she had major anger problems. She has fake boobs, fake color eye contact lenses (to make her eyes look blue like mine are naturally – interesting) and would lie and act like they were real (so insecure!), would fake tan so bad it looked like a “do-not” poster, did lip injections, hair extensions, false eyelashes, demanded a top of the line car from her husband to flash and look good in (she scoffed at Nissan or Toyota and demanded higher end. Lexus won), When I got the tour of the new expansive, 5 bedroom house that her ex got them, she strutted around like a proud peacock, shaking her butt, head held high and scoffing her feet as I got dragged room to room complimenting her decor and …so, so proud and showy. I didn’t even ASK for a tour. It was like walking behind the proud strut of Nebuchadnezzar. I wanted to say, “what monies of yours bought this house?” None. Her husband/soon to be ex bought it. And has it.
    So much wrong with me, I was so less-than. But in reality, I was the screen upon which she projected all her insecurities. And I knew that.
    After her second texting-tirade of all CAPS and a gazillion exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that she threw at me (the first lasted five hours – she woke me up for it at 7:am and got mad when she asked what I was doing and I text back “I’m sleeping, we’re on a two hour time difference”. She totally FLEW off the handle!), she pretty much knew that second time that she had blown it with me on this one. I had attempted, like before, to call and end the text abuse but she would not answer the call – 3 to 4 times over hours of her cruel verbiage and brow-beating. All the things I had trusted her with, dreams, hurts; the usual things you share with a friend, she used as a weapon and mocked me with them and beat me over the head with them. To me, that was the worst betrayal of any friend ever. Even worse than the one who slept with my boyfriend way back in high school and had his baby. At the end of the conversation I told her how it is NOT ok to treat people like this, and she owed me an apology. She refused and her parting words were, “PUT ME ON YOUR LIST!!”
    list?!? what list?!? Only the mindset of a narcissist would think in terms of having a “list” of people who no longer suited them. In closing that final conversation with her, knowing how she never takes responsibility for her behavior, I pointed out to her, “always remember, for once own up to your behavior and when people ask about me and why you don’t talk with me, instead of brushing it off and saying, …”oh, I dunno”… which is code for “I totally blew it”… tell the truth! You were cruel and insulting over nothing, I didn’t deserve it, you refuse to apologize then nominate yourself to the company of a couple of people in my life that YOU were the first to say were rude, brash, and that I didn’t need them in my life (which was said to thrust YOURSELF to the center of my life – weird). And now I have a “list” of people you disproved of recently and now you put yourself as their leader!?”
    Nice to have got some honesty out of her! Lol. But I told her, “always remember that YOU did this. YOU. YOU blew this friendship, Not me. YOU.”
    Boy NPDers hate being held accountable, don’t they? lol
    By now it would be easy to assume I’m talking about a teenager but not so. We’re in our late 40′s. I know…. So. Childish. Three divorces. No friends left. Family distances themselves from her but “it’s them”.
    I get it now.
    There were a couple of moments early in our lives I dropped her, once in high school and again later in my twenties (but who dropped who I’ts debatable with a N) when I moved out of state. I used the opportunity to “fall out of communication”, which was easy back then with no cell phones or answering machine. But I am fatally optimistic with no apologies because there are those who have been worth believing in. But this time, this late in life when no adult should behave that way…. no. Done. I don’t deserve that and I will not tolerate it.
    A few months later after her departure from my life or did I put her on my list? hmmm…. who left? lol…. anyway, I heard that Leigh Nash song and had to dig around a bit to find out who it was and then the lyrics because like all of us here, we struggle with the closure of a relationship we exhaustively poured ourself into. Where’s the reward? Where’s the RESPECT!?
    I loosely held on to her over the decades because I knew, as I watched marriages come and go, friends she would talk about often then all the sudden never mention their name … I knew. I know how she is and on the chance the day came that she began to change or let God help her I always wanted to be there for that day. But instead a different day came.
    18 months later since …the breakup?…there is still no apology and no words. Nothing. But I did get a call while I was sleeping late last year that her dad had a heart attack. I’ve known the family forever and none of this was about them. Her dad had walked me down the Isle of my wedding. It was time to set things aside but I also knew to be cautious because she would use this opportunity to glaze over her horrible treatment toward me. Within a few hours the message came that he had passed. I relayed my condolences then I waited a day, two days, another day then I text her about funeral arrangements. . So she text me back telling me that the funeral had been yesterday.
    What kind of person makes a ‘funeral’ all about their own feelings?
    A Stone Cold Narcissist.
    Time marches on and I’m being punished for standing up to her, and I say that with a grin. I don’t have to pretend anymore and I have had to go back and explain to people on my end why she’s no longer around because it is very unlike me to treat people like that. At first I watered the story down to make her look good because I, unlike her, didn’t want to be nasty about it. It’s done. let it go. But after awhile and the whole thing plaguing me I decided I needed to be honest and relieve myself of the bondage of her treatment towards me.
    That song gave me chills because it nailed it. So sad, it really is but I will NOT be treated that way. What a bondage these people live in> google and listen. Well said, Leigh Nash, well said.
    All the World
    by Fauxliage
    ‘ll break you down
    I’ll take you down, down
    Fill you with sadness
    Make your life madness
    I’m having a hard time
    I’m making you do the hard time, too
    I’m stuck in a bad way
    And I’m gonna make you pay for it
    Give me a mile
    I’ll take a hundred miles
    Such a mistake
    Sorry you made
    I’m having a hard time
    I’m making you do the hard time, too
    I’m stuck in a bad way
    And I’m gonna make you pay for it

  38. Ann B.

    I can see where you relate to the lyrics. I’m sorry that you had to go thru what you did. I had a simular situation. This site helped me a lot. There was so much about this persons behavior that I didn’t realize was actually her being her narciissistist.
    God Speed and Many Blessings

  39. Kitkat

    I have a question for anyone, when my N ex-friend and I had our meeting to see if we could repair the relationship, she refused vehemently to try and work out our differences. And she then said several times, rather strongly during the course of the conversation, that she was leaving the church and she was never coming back! I didn’t see her for several weeks and thought that she had definitely left. I got invited to a dinner party by someone at my church and someone else who knows her suggested to the hostess that they also invite my ex-friend as a common courtesy. The hostess, who had no idea what had been happening between us, called me back and told me. I said, “By all means invite her but I will not attend if she is there, because of her need to cause drama now between us. And since this was a celebration, I didn’t want people to feel awkward or uncomfortable.” I said that we could meet at another time and I would be fine if she decided to attend. This lady is very savvy, and she said that she would let her know that we were already planning on coming. She contacted this ex-friend and she declined to attend knowing that I had already been asked FIRST and that I was going to be there. We attended the dinner party and had a really good time. The next day was Sunday and she (who was leaving the church and never coming back) showed up at church looking like death warmed over. She saw me, looked at me as though this was all my fault and I realized that she was going to go in and play the poor, wounded, and depressed party and make the others pay for not inviting her first. At least that was what I sensed. I decided not to stay, so she wouldn’t cause a scene between us at church. It was then that I realized that this isn’t ever going to end with her. And I’ve decided I have to leave the church that I love because I know that she will continue to make people chose between us all the time. I don’t want to cause division and I don’t want to give her any opportunity if I am there, to make scene. Most times when I am there she will just give me dirty looks, but as long as she is there, I find I no longer enjoy going to Sunday services. I might add that I didn’t do anything to cause this rift. She became jealous of me making friends with others and becoming involved in activities she didn’t want to do. And she would accused me of things that I didn’t do. I was beginning to feel like I was her possession and not her friend. So, I just want to know if any of you think she will eventually leave or if I am making the right decision here. I usually try to resolve differences but I don’t believe she wants to make amends, she wants revenge for what SHE did, and make me pay for it. I truly would appreciate your comments.

    • I like Kathy’s answer. The only thing I would add is that you want to prepare yourself for the pastor not to believe you or not to do anything. N’s often prepare the way with authorities long before you think of it. She may already have talked with him. On the other hand, it will be good for him to know your concerns. I would not use the N word and I would avoid the “sordid details,” as Kathy said.

      Remember that she is only there because you are there. If you were to take a break from your church but stay in touch with the people and the ministry in other ways, she may just drift away. I doubt she would come back unless she can hook another victim. Of course, she may come back when she hears that you have come back, but if you have stayed in touch with the people and have let them know – gently – of your concerns, they will see that she only comes back when you do. Just be sure not to badmouth her and make her appear the victim. She may try to do that herself, but you don’t want to help.

      Keep us posted. We will be praying.

  40. Kathy

    Well, my answer makes me nervous. I could be WAY off base. I am hopeful that Pastor Dave will read your post, my response, and let us both know if I’m nuts.
    Are you happy there? These are your friends? See, if your friend is really an N, there’s going to be a smear campaign whether you like it or not. If you leave, she’ll make up reasons why and try to ruin your reputation. If you stay, well, she’ll still try to ruin your reputation. If she’s an N, that’s what they do. She’s fearful that you may expose you, and she needs to head you off at the pass.
    This is what I would do – maybe — and Pastor Dave, please respond — I would go to the pastor. I would tell him, with NO sordid details, that you and she have had a falling out. I would tell him that based on your relationship with her you have reason to believe that she may try to gossip about you and ruin your reputation. However, tell him that you’re not positive she will do that and you in no way want to taint his opinion towards you or her. Just tell him that you fear gossip, and would he kindly, if he hears any, take the gossiper aside and please ask them to stop?
    That’s my opinion, for what it’s worth.

  41. Kitkat

    Thank you for responding so quickly. My pastor has been involved from the beginning and he has been very good. His wife was the mediator that was trying to bring some peace to the relationship when I asked for help from the pastor in dealing with this situation. I believe that my N ex-friend was not happy with the way the pastor’s wife handled the situation that is another reason I believe, why she said she was going to leave the church. Other people have witnessed her harsh behavior towards me but have been very careful not to gossip about it and have not asked for any details from me. So I am good in that department. However, my son and his family are about to head to West Africa as missionaries, so this is a particularly hard time for me. When I thought my good friend would be there to help me through this difficult time, she became very jealous of my son and his mission as well, so she hurt me at the worst possible time. My son and his family will be gone for 4 years and I am very close to them and the children, and I am having a hard time dealing with them leaving and my ex-friend’s childish behavior all at the same time. So every time I am at church now, it is more than I can bear. I have had several people pleading with me not to leave, but I feel I won’t be able to cope with my son and his family leaving (in three weeks) and this other person shooting daggers at me whenever I am around. A church should be a place of safety, as our pastor likes to say, but with her there, I don’t feel so safe emotionally. Especially now. She has already tried to ruin my reputation, as that is what she is so jealous of. I left a project because I became ill that we were both working on, but before I got sick she was relentless in her hostility towards me, because people, unbeknownst to myself, had been paying compliments about how well I had worked not only on that project but others that I had done. She was telling everyone I had a hissy fit and left her in the lurch. I could have come back when I felt well enough but I thought she was so desperate to be solely in charge, that I let her finish the project. She did not handle the pressure very well and found it difficult. This is the same person who always criticized anyone in charge because she always felt she could do better, but when she was faced with actually doing the work she was unable to do it very well and then blamed me, saying I faked my illness. I liken it to someone having a stone in their shoe, while the whole body is basically okay, the irritation in the shoe won’t be right until it is dealt with and I don’t know what else I can do to deal with it. I’ve tried talking to her on the phone, when I tried to talk to her at church she would just turn away, and then when we went to mediation she only came to accuse and disparage me in front of the pastor’s wife. I did not sugarcoat anything for her in the meeting, and any accusation she leveled at me I refuted it soundly. She never once said, “Oh I’m sorry, I was mistaken.” or “I didn’t know.” She would just move onto the next accusation. In the end she said very angrily, “Well you win, and I am never coming back to this church again.” She left sobbing profusely. I tried to give her a hug and say this wasn’t necessary, but she pushed me away and said, “Get away from me!” She didn’t want to make any amends, she only wanted to have a big drama for the benefit of the pastor’s wife and get her last digs into me. I told the pastor that I felt I should leave and he doesn’t want me to leave, but I have a hard time going to church and ignoring her when I have to turn around and face the congregation to do a reading or sing. So this is where I am.

    • Kitkat

      I would also like to add that my sister is a counselor and she recognized the N behavior in my friend last fall when she came to a dinner party at my house. She knew that this was coming but because of her position she felt she shouldn’t interfere until I asked for her help.

  42. Kathy

    Kitkat (((hugs))) Take a deep breath. Re-read everything you wrote. This is what they do — they drive you nuts. You have listed so many wrongs she’s done. Believe me, I don’t disbelieve you.
    But the pastor and his wife already see it. Others already see it. Same with my former in-laws — other people in their extended family see it.
    So why does it still hurt so much? Because in our heads, it’s still not resolved. We think for some reason that the wicked prosper because ONE thing is lacking — their recognition of the hurt they’ve caused. Doesn’t matter who else sees it — we want THEM to see it. We want validation from THEM. We seem to NEED it.
    Ns attack when you’re most vulnerable. They take advantage of the chaos that’s already in our lives (in your case, your vulnerability because your son and his family are moving). You need comfort – she kicks you in the butt.
    This will sound stupid to those who have never dealt with Ns, and it’s not something I talk about — but I’ll say it and I hope it helps you:
    I adored my husband, and he adored me. But when he died I could not grieve him properly, I could not miss him. I was more ENRAGED at how they treated me, him, and our children during his last 18 months, which had slowly escalated. ENRAGED. I was more consumed with anger than with grief. I could not think of him without thinking of THEM.
    Sick, huh? I was so emotionally twisted up.

    That’s what she’s doing. You are going to have a loss — your son will be alive, but his moving is still a loss for you. You need to grieve. She’s got you twisted up. It’s horrible. And now they’re interconnected.

    I don’t know about you, but I have pretty dumb coping mechanisms. When I’m upset, I’ll flip the channels but watch nothing. Or go in and out of the kitchen and stuff an Oreo in my mouth. Or surf the web on more STUFF on Ns. Or throw a pity party.

    One thing that helps me is REMOVING my routine. Can’t pace the kitchen with an Oreo if I’m at the movies or at a hotel. Remove yourself from the familiar where you’re allowed to have your coping mechanisms. Get Groupon? Get it. Go to a local hotel for 2 nights and go swimming, out to dinner, whatever. Just break away from the place where you “cope.”
    That won’t help longterm, but you need an emotional break, a respite. Please, please take it. I do understand how Ns mess with your head when you’re so very down already.
    (((hugs)))

    • Kathy

      P.S. — And get in the Word, the Word, the Word!! Only read for a while the verses that are soothing.
      I like Isaiah 49:15-17:
      “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
      and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
      Though she may forget,
      I will not forget you!
      See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
      your walls are ever before me.
      Your children hasten back,
      and those who laid you waste depart from you

      HE will NOT forget you!!!!

  43. Kitkat

    Kathy, thank you, thank you, thank you! I guess by leaving the church, I am removing myself, but it is so unfair because I didn’t cause this. I have been so happy at this church and I have met some great people but I have to give it up because of one person. I know if I stay, this is never going to end. It is like you say, she will do everything to ruin or undermine my reputation whether I stay or go. But if I go, at least I don’t have to witness it. My husband thinks I should stay and fight, but I don’t have it in me to fight this anymore. I have known this N for about 7 years. She was always miserable and I tried to help her. I just didn’t realize this was a trap. There was always something new that was causing her unhappiness. And I was starting to realize in the last couple of years, that she was the one causing much of the unhappiness herself. She would cause a fight with her kids and then cry to me that they were cruel to her. She was always fighting with her husband and she was always complaining about her medical issues. She could never look on the positive side of anything. I have learned my lesson, if someone is that unhappy, I need to refer them to a professional and walk away from them. My husband is an agnostic and church is not his thing, but the pastor at this church has been great to him. He is the first pastor that my husband has had any respect for and considers him a good friend. Which speaks volumes about this pastor. And the pastor has told me that we will all still be friends which has been helpful. You are right, I want some accountability, I want her to get the proper counseling that she needs so there is some healing. But I doubt that she will seek it. I am so grateful for this site, it has been so very helpful to me. Your kindness and grace have been a blessing to me, I am so sorry about what happened to your husband and all the sorrow you have had to endure. But I know the Lord is good and we will all be okay someday. I will pray for you and continue to pray for my ex-friend. I find there is some healing for me by praying for her. Thank you again and also to Pastor Dave for this wonderful site.

    • UnForsaken

      Kitkat, please don’t feel you have to leave your church permanently. Kathy’s idea of a break with the Word is Wonderful ! Someday I hope to do very much the same thing. Healing and grief takes time, but also space. It sounds as if you have a real church Family, and if you choose to return in the months to come, they will still be there for you .

      Today 2 Cor. 1 ( in the ESV ) encouraged me. It acknowledges that sometimes things are too much for us, but He raises us even from the dead. I hope it encourages you, because I for one only remember the passage about how things will be only so much as we can bear. ( An incorrect paraphrase on purpose…..He really says He makes us Able to bear it. If only I could remember this. 🙂 )

      Bless you on this journey. You must be very proud of your son and his family. Maybe you shouldn’t stay and fight, but it sounds as if you may have something lovely to return to. In the meantime keep well, and take care !!! Kitkat – You, your family, husband, and church are all in my prayers. 🙂

      • Kitkat

        Unforsaken, thank you for the encouragement. The only time I ever see this person is at church. So the only way to have no contact is to stay away from church. My biggest concern is not only for myself, but also for the other people at the church. She is causing division where there should be none and I don’t want to have people on my side vs. her side. If I take myself out of the equation then there will be no sides. People won’t have to tread lightly around us or walk on eggshells because we happen to be at the same church function. It makes things difficult for other church members to have to navigate around this broken friendship and I don’t want them to have to do that. I just hope she doesn’t get a new supply from someone else at the church. I really appreciate the prayers especially for my son and his family as they are going to a very dangerous place. There are other missionaries there that they will be working with, so it is not like they are out there alone. Your kindness is much appreciated!

  44. Elvira Perez

    I’m 48 years old n I fell inlove for my first time ever with a narcissistic man , I Never knew of such a loving monster or rather selfish n ungiving ass like , until I lived an almost 2 year relationship , I’m exhausted n tired of giving n compromising my everything to make him happy n that’s all it mattered to me , until today , he flew to California because his father is dieing n not one call n I’m his Best Friend n lover n I don’t know his parents , family nor friends n he won’t open up , unless I threaten to leave him….help me NOT feel empty

  45. Kitkat

    Elvira, read through the comments of others in your situation. You will find that you are not alone. If he truly felt that you were his Best Friend he wouldn’t treat you this way. I would ask for God’s help in what to do. There are several people on this site that have been where you are, look at their responses and see if some of what they have had to do, will help you. Also, read Pastor Dave’s blog posts, they are very helpful in understanding and dealing with your situation.

  46. Veronica Christiansen

    Thank so much. I recognize that I have been codepent most of my life and overly loyal. My narcissistic friend of many years cut me off after I was physically unable to help her with another move. This is the fourth move I have helped her with. This time it was a hot and humid day and I nearly became ill. I had been with her for over 7 hours. We are getting older. She needs to ask younger people to help her move and pack. I explained to her that I may need to go into the hospital because of pain in abdomen. She pouted, spoke to me in a harsh and demanding way and made a sneering sound. I apologized, but told her I had to leave. I actually felt like I might pass out.

    I knew deep in my heart that she is a fair weather friend, but because of my insecurities I continued to be friends. I would listen for hours to her complaining about her coworkers, boss, parents, ex husband and people I don’t know. It was always the same song. “People don’t like me because I do things better than them or I’m the expert, or I look so young for my age and I’m so slim” Usually, all I did was say, “umm, ok,” and she did all the talking. When I did get a word in, she would immediately cut me off. I have seen her do that to others, too. She has thanked me for being a sounding board, which I found to be insulting. She has said that I have given her some profound advice, which I found to be a compliment.

    I feel hurt, but also relieved. When the phone rings, I am not on edge. Thinking it’s her. What’s wrong now. How long do I have to endure the sulking and complaining. Even when I said, I’m busy or cooking dinner, or helping with homework etc., she would keep talking. Once I felt so overwhelmed, I just hung the phone up, but she called right back. I have explained that it would be nice to discuss a book, a movie, the News etc., but no, her conversation centered around her and how mean everyone is to her.

    I continue to pray for her and myself. Thanks so much for your advice. I turned on TV and Joyce Meyer was speaking about taking care of yourself. God has let me know that when you are always at the ready to help someone, it becomes never enough.

  47. laraine

    I have a friend who I suspect is narcissistic. She will routinely give me the silent treatment for petty things. For example, Sunday, when I was talking to her on my cell phone, I dropped it on the floor & it immediately turned itself off. I tried calling her back right away to tell her what happened & she refused to take my calls for 2 days, She does this ALOT! Do something she doesn’t like(and it’s stupid, petty stuff like the above) and she will cut me off for days. When she resumes communication, she refuses to explain her reasons for the silent treatment. Acts like nothing is wrong.

    Whenever I tell her any good news in my life, she acts bored and disinterested. For example, yesterday I texted her about something good that happened to my mom yesterday, she texted me back and said “Gee, that’s nice. Going to bed now.” I’m an artist, and if I recently sent her a pic of something I had made. She goes, “That’s nice. Gotta nap now.” The “gotta go to bed or gotta nap now” thing is very common with her. I am seriously thinking about ending this friendship. I am tired of all the one-sidedness and passive aggressiveness!

  48. marie

    Iv gone approx 7weeks now of no contact with my ex. In that time i feel iv been strong . Until 2 days ago he sent me a letter half stating responsibility and half blaming me . The thing is, i do feel guilty for walking out for the 50th time on him and ending it by just walking away from him never to return. If i cud tell him that im truly sorry just for this part alone , without feeling manipulated or have him twist my words. I wud be happier to move on. After spending 5 years reacting to his behaviour in this way i feel like i owe him an apology. But i wud be afraid that by breaking my no contact . Im allowing the circle of it to begin all over again . Thats Defo not what i want. PLEASE if any one can comment on this . Should i make brief statement of apology to him ?

  49. Kathy

    NO NO NO.
    No contact MEANS No Contact.
    You’ve done this before — and each time you do it don’t you think to yourself “Darn! Tricked again!! I should have stuck to it.”
    NO. Don’t put yourself through that.
    A Narcissist will suck you into defending yourself, manipulating you to believe it was partially, or wholly, your fault.
    And then the tug-of-war starts all over again.
    NO CONTACT!!!!
    YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!
    Everyone is cheering you on!!!

  50. Ann

    Marie, I hope you didn’t contact him. I know it is hard, but, it can be done.

  51. Joy

    So many comments recommend avoiding the N. I’ve been “no contact” for over a year, but run into her at the gym or school many times a week. She will often say hi or has stalked me some in the past. Went thru the whole smear campaign last year and have many strained relationships within our church because of it. She is a gifted musician and unfortunately many believed her lies and crazy behavior was overlooked. I don’t know what I’m really asking here. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD because of this along with an abusive N counselor who got involved. It has been horrible, but I’m so grateful The Lord rescued me from the relationship. It’s just so painful to keep seeing my other friends post about her on FB or talking to her in the hallways at church. I feel like I’ve lost a lot; yet gained so much freedom and wisdom. I just don’t know who to trust since we run in the same circles at church. It’s painful. I thought I’d be over this by now but it triggered so much abuse from my childhood. He is healing and He is good…fighting to believe truth when I’m triggered so much by seeing her so often.

  52. Kitkat

    Feeling a bit down today. I finally said all my goodbyes at the church I had been attending, and finished up the work that I started. It is very hard for me right now because of the Christmas holiday services, and I won’t be with the friends I’ve made at the church because I had to leave because of the N. But I will say that the N is already making enemies even without me being there. She was bad mouthing a place that many of the congregation like to go to and they are not happy with her. One of my friends said that the last time they saw the N’s husband he looked awful. I told her that the N is making his life miserable now. He is terribly hen-pecked and he tries to appease her but nothing he does is ever good enough. Just needed to get this out of my system. I know it will get better the longer I am away, but it was difficult because so many of them didn’t want me to go.

  53. Kitkat

    Didn’t realize that the last post on this thread was mine too. And as I read through it, I realize that I am in a much different place than I was at Christmas time. Okay, I am in need of some advice. So here goes, I was contacted by a couple of people from the church that I left. They asked me out to lunch and I went and was glad to see them. They asked me to come back to the church that I left. It was a very loving and at times emotional meeting. I was overwhelmed. The N still attends there, but it sounds like she is burning bridges with many of the people there. She continues to spread lies about me, but from what my friends told me, I don’t think many people believe the lies. They told of other behavior they witnessed that didn’t set to well with them either. They told me there are other squirrely characters there that they all have to deal with and this N is no different, and that they try to love everyone. They try to stay away from them and just work with the people they know are amiable. I am concerned about going back. Because of how competitive this N is, she and her husband decided one day to drive around and see the houses where many of the people at the church lived. They went so far, that they drove over an hour away, more than 60 miles, just to see the house of someone who comes occasionally to church, while this person was in Florida. At the time I told the N in a jesting manner that, that smacked of stalker behavior. (I did BTW tell the pastor about this). My sister, who is a counselor, had said at the time that she felt this N wanted to be me. Which creeps me out. In addition, there were a few people who bought into her lies and were cold or accusatory towards me. So, it is a mixed bag of emotions for me if I return. I have had over 2 dozen people approach me, either to ask how I am doing and tell me they miss seeing me since I left, or just ask me directly to come back. Have any of you had a situation like this? And can you give me some input? I have asked my sister and one of her counselor friends, but I would like to hear from people who may have had some experience with this at a personal level, not just a clinical view.

    • Just a quick response for now. I would be very cautious. These are folks who were little or no support to you earlier, and there is little real indication that anything has changed. If you are happy in a new church, stay there. At least for a while more. If the N is truly burning bridges and the environment is becoming less positive for the N, she will leave. Until then, something in the make-up of the church allows her behavior. It may be changing, but it hasn’t changed much yet.

      In the meantime, tell these folks that you continue to pray for all of them and continue to seek the Lord’s leading for yourself. Let them know that you are not rejecting them, that you still love them, but that you are at peace with your choices at this point in your life. Love them, but be slow in trusting them.

      Just my two cents!

  54. Kitkat

    Thanks Pastor Dave. I needed to hear from an unbiased source. I haven’t attended any church since I left this one. I have been gone now for about 6 months for the regular church services and gone about 2 months from finishing up my obligations on church council and remaining projects that I had to finish. For the most part when this whole thing blew up, most of the folks didn’t want to get involved and didn’t want to know anything about what happened. They didn’t want to gossip, they only at the time asked me not to leave. But since I’ve been gone I have had phone calls or e-mails asking me to come back or they miss me. At the last dinner I attended, I was swamped with people asking me to come back. But I fear that it has more to do with what I can do for them and maybe not so much about caring for me. Although, I do believe the 2 that I had lunch with were sincere in their affection for me. I did not make any promises that I would come back, I only told them I would think about it and that it will take some time. I will be cautious, but this makes me gun shy to even attempt to find a new church.

    • UnForsaken

      Kitkat, you are right to be wary. It seems that there are those who really care about you. Only time can tell you who is being merely social, but in the meantime you are showing you really care about them and getting your space.

      In my own experience I was never on such demand and almost no one spoke to me personally except those who scolded. ( Based entirely on what they had heard – an interesting view of oneself! ) I always thought of them as friends and equals because of what I thought scripture teaches, but obviously they didn’t. The interesting thing is, that some of the kind people at the beginning, became disgusted later because of gossip. If only they had asked if it was true!

      It took them two more years for the Highly destructive Narcs to leave. Most of them still wouldn’t admit the whole thing, blaming the people who left ‘too soon’ or ‘the wrong way’. All of us left differently at different times, so I can only assume leaving at all was ‘ the wrong way ‘. 🙂

      This is where I begin to gratefully see God’s guidance. It took maybe two years to find a new church. All the while carrying my own unacknowledged ‘N bubble’ with me, I ended up in a different denomination to get away from the bad taste, which didn’t go away. Another N pastor, another five to seven years and I finally figured out something was wrong in what I Thought was Normal. I began looking for answers about Ns and found Grace For My heart. SING FOR JOY!

      All that to say: it’s a journey and and each of us have it very differently. You were serving in a visible way and active in programs. You had some support from your pastor. You probably had many personal, healthy relationships. It sounds as if some are at least willing to believe you , to ask questions and listen. Even if you do need a new place of worship these people may continue to be mutual spiritual encouragement in everyday fellowship. They do sound as of they are comfortable that not everyone worships in one place. You didn’t leave With a Narc. You know and recognize N behavior to avoid in future. These things are all in your favor.

      There is something that strikes me as similar about church situations. What’s the rush? It’s wonderful they want to make you feel welcome, but if it’s sincere, that will continue. I know I’m Very gun shy about the ‘church organized’, but it is plausable they are sweetly fervent because they are just now realizing what you mean to them and missing you, not only for skills, but for yourself. In any case, Only Absence makes the heart grow fonder! Also, it must be a charged situation with her continued unwelcome attendance where you left. With her stalker tendencies this could start all over again, something your friends may only see as ‘trying to make up’.

      Please do take time. If you want to, maybe give yourself a little cultural outing, visiting other churches and get involved in a few independent ministries. You will run into other Ns, but you won’t be emotionally involved with them and you will meet so many more believers. Your taking a break for a while is a Wonderful idea.You could be an even more active prayer partner for missionaries, your family, the nursing homes near you, whatever God lays on Your Heart . Be yourself. Be Free. This can be an opportunity. You might even find you need to make a commitment to not be over committed! 😉

      You are a special person, Kitkat, and God Will guide you specifically when the time comes to make decisions about church. Keep trusting Him as you have been, and many blessings! ❤

  55. Kitkat

    Unforsaken, thank you so much This has had me in such a state. My head it seems, like it is swimming all the time. So, I go back and forth and then think about best and worse case scenarios. I miss not going, but I also know what this N has done and will continue to do, if I go back. At the same time there is a part of me that thinks I should fight this, but I don’t want to turn the church into a war zone, because this is the only place I see the N. I think I will continue to lay low for awhile and see if the N leaves. If she continues to make herself a nuisance, I can’t see her staying too long. Although, because she likes to be miserable, she may be creating an environment that she can live miserably in. I will also wait to see if they ask to meet me again. If they are persistent, I will find it harder and harder to stay away. Again, thank you! I don’t know what I would do without this site.

    • UnForsaken

      Kitkat, bless you sister. I know the pull. This is So familiar. There was no way I could go back, but can see how this possibility must leave you feeling up in the air . Hey, we Love these people. Just be wary, as I said. Churches may not want to be pulled into it, but you are totally right about war zones!

      Praying for you! ❤

  56. Kitkat

    Unforsaken, thank you again. I appreciate the wisdom of who you are and I appreciate the prayers. It is wonderful to be anonymous on here, because I can let off steam, ask advice and seek the prayers of those who have gone through or are going through the same thing and not worry about the judgmental people that are in so many churches these days. I got another phone call today from someone at the church and they were very kind but again, really pushing for me to return. This person has been very angry at the N for what she has done to me. And she says, “Just ignore her.” I wish it were just that easy. I could do that, if I didn’t have people who bought into the N’s lies, sling new issues or accusations in my direction. Church shouldn’t be a chore. It should be a joyful, safe place where you can feel like its home. It should be a place where you can help and be helped, share your gifts and appreciate the gifts of others, pray, fellowship and joy in the blessings of church family, not come in on a Sunday suited up to do battle. I don’t think that is what the Lord wants, but unfortunately, it is too often the case. There are wolves among the sheep and we need some rams or sheepdogs to help the shepherd protect the sheep. Thanks again, it is appreciated more than you know.

  57. Mel

    I was on this tread over a year ago and once again my friendship with the N is over again. she would always tell me that she was afraid that one day that something she told me would get back to her. Well it did but nothing sacred. A woman told me her husband wanted to apply for a job at the N hospital. she is a nurse (scary) and he is a doctor. I told my friend you don’t want him to go there. she hates it and there is a 2 year rule that you can’t work at a hospital that is managed by the same company. she is having a hard time getting a job so you should apply at this hospital where she applied because there are so many openings. This guy leaves a message thinking she is the hospital with all the info I gave her. She doesn’t get the job and flips out on me saying how dare I tell him her personal information and that she is so mad at me and can’t trust me. she called me some really gross words and said I was a meddler with no life. I was like so what does this mean for our friendship. she said I can’t think about that. The day before she was telling me how great I was and what a great friend I was because I talked her out of doing something stupid. How borderline personality. I waited a week for her to call me and then I defriended her on facebook. I have not talked to her since. Its been a month and a half. I can’t believe after 7 years this is how our friendship is going to end. This was a one sided friendship. She called me incessantly to complain about her family, job, life, etc. I could never call her without getting an attitude of what do you want. I was always open to her when she called. We could never go out unless she wanted to and it was at her convenience. I did wonderful favors for her and it seemed that the wonderfulness of it lasted only for that day. The next day it was like I never took her to ER and waited four hours, picked her up from an operation, took her to her doctor or listen to her incessant stories about how she liked this doctor at work and wanted to cheat on her husband who was a devoted sap codependent who knew his wife was not in love with him. She could never do me a favor. she would stress interest to do me a favor but when I asked her for one, it was always a problem. If I ever confronted her on how she made me feel, she would say I was needy and draining. My feelings did not matter. I was constantly apologizing for things that I should not be apologizing for. Even though she was a terrible friend, I missed her. My heart is broken from how could someone treat me this way after I was so good to her. I can’t call her and ask for her forgiveness because I know I will be no better than her sappy husband who puts up with her antics and once again I would be the one groveling. What is your take on this?

    • Don’t worry, she will be back … if you think that’s a good thing. It sounds to me like that would just be more punishment for you. Read what you have written her as objectively as you can. Imagine that someone else is telling you this. What would you say to her? You would tell her that this is a friend she doesn’t need, that a friend like this can do more damage than an enemy. She makes you feel bad about yourself and real friends don’t do that. Even when a real friend has to confront you, they do it in a way that is uplifting, not shaming.

      Of course you will miss her. For all the reasons I say in the post. But that will pass and you will be much happier on the other side.

      And how to you do this? Because she will be back. This time she will be armed with even more shame for you. You begin with those little boundaries. Don’t answer her calls. Always call her back when you are ready. Slow way down on doing favors for her. She doesn’t appreciate the help really, it just gives her an opening to hurt you. And don’t apologize when you didn’t do anything wrong. That just gives the N the weapon to use against you. Build a life without her, new friends, new activities, new locations. Begin to move on. Maybe when she comes back she will not have the place in your life she used to have.

      I know this is blunt, but what you describe is very one-sided and hurtful to you. Narcissistic friendships usually do not end well. Just be thankful they can end.

  58. Kitkat

    Mel, this sounds a lot like my N ex-friend, only she would do some things for me, perhaps to keep me on the hook. I would say you need to get as far from her as possible. Unforsaken, Kathy, Penny or Pastor Dave may have more suggestions. But for me, the No Contact has been a true blessing. You don’t need her forgiveness, she needs yours. I think I realized why, even though these people hurt us, we don’t want to lose them. They fill the need in empathetic people to help. It gives us a boost knowing that we did something good for someone. Kind of like seeing a messy room, then cleaning it up and having a sense of accomplishment, like you know you did well for someone else. I would imagine it’s the same feeling that people get when working in disaster areas, because these people are disaster areas. Find people who will appreciate who you are. Since I have been away from my N, I have found that I am so much more happy. I don’t feel dragged out and exhausted anymore for dealing with her. May God Bless you in your journey, you are not alone.

  59. Mel

    Thank you for your comments. Deep down I truly know she was a bad friend and mentally wack person. I cannot think of one thing that she did that was geniune. Every time she did something it was to repay me for what I did so she would not feel like the scales weren’t balance. But the scales were always off balance. I don’t think she will come back. Just kind of curious why you think she will. It has been a month and a half. Getting over her is like quitting a bad drug. I know in time I will be happier without her. Already not hearing her negative phone calls everyday complaining about how everyone is jealous of her, out to get her, is a relief. The thing that made her even more narcissistic and selfish was that she was an off the boat russian from Uzbekastein with no concept of friendship or healthy family dynamics. I think I was her first geniune friendship.

    • Of course, I can only speak in generalities. I don’t know your ex-friend. Generally, narcissists are users who cycle through friends. They use someone until that person is too beat up, too angry, too compromised, and then they go to someone else. Very often they will check back to see if the first victim is healed enough to use again. Sounds awful, I know, and there are exceptions. Some use others as steps on their way up the ladder. But those who are in more involved relationships with friends usually find that the needs that friend once met pop up again. Once they have used the next friend, or the next, they come back to you.

      I truly hope this is not the case for you. i hope you are free. You say it may have been her first genuine friendship. I would say she met her first genuine friend. You tried. You made the friendship happen. She just took. Was she a friend? Not so much.

  60. Mel

    I don’t know if she will come back. One thing about her was that she was afraid that all her secrets she told me I would tell others and get back to her eventually. Telling another friend about her difficulties getting a job really upset her to the point that she called me vile names and said that she cannot trust me. I cannot believe how much she overreacted. This to me was not the same thing as telling this woman she wanted to cheat on her husband with a doctor her husband knew. It was crazy. The crazy part is that I would still like to talk to her and make amends since I feel like I did something horrible. You would think all the really good things I did for her would mellow out her anger and she would call me to amend the friendship. She never self reflected and apologize. She was always the victim. She complained about everyone including her kids and how they did not appreciate her. I felt bad for her due to her rough childhood so I overlooked a lot of her behavior. She was brought up by a narcissistic abusive father and a mother who allowed the father to abuse my friend emotionally and physically. I always felt like she played her husband and I since we were the ones that always had her back regardless of how she treat us. She loved the attention we gave her. He is stuck with her because she will never leave him unless she meets someone else. She had no problem telling me about her sex life with her husband even though that was too much information and wanted to cheat on him. She said he was just a body and she needed it like I need a beer. She sounded like a sex addict. It almost seem like she wanted me to get off on her stories of her sexual experiences with her husband. Ewwww. The worst part he knew how she felt about him and stayed with her. She loved that when she would do the silent treatment with her family when they got into fights, they eventually came to her. Sometimes she would go to them. She would always say they always come back. I don’t want her to feel the same way about me. She always talked about how this one thought she was pretty and this one liked her, etc. It was so annoying listening to build up her ego. As you can see I put up with a lot of abnormal behavior. I did not like who I was becoming. I started to get jealous of the attention she gave her family that she complained about to me and me it would always be a problem to make plans even though she would call me all the time to talk about her crappy job or the guy she wanted to be with at her job. She would say this is us hanging out and you are the one that I tell all my secrets too. She made friends with these three Russian ladies but she said it was all superficial and they just did couple things. They are probably smarter than me and if she talked to them the way she talked to me they would get out of there or they are just like her. All I know is that I cannot contact her because it will blow up her ego and make her feel here she is, I got her by the balls. I am also afraid of rejection that this time I finally reached her threshold and she needed a bad act to finally toss me.

  61. Mel

    I feel like a drug addict. I keep wanting to call her. I ran into her daughter’s best friend this weekend. Of course I had to tell the poor girl the story subconciously hoping that it would get back to the daughter (who I was always kind to) and she would go to her mother and tell her mother she was stupid for letting me go. I probably made myself look pathetic. I keep only remembering the good what little there was of it and not concentrating on the bad. I can’t blame her. I blame myself for the end of the friendship. I keep thinking if I did not tell that woman about her difficult job situation, or not give the woman her number we would not be in a fight. You say she will come back. She will hoover. I have seen none of that. It is almost two months and there is nothing. It is like I am the borderline narcissist and she is the victim. I just can’t get out of my head how I was so good to her and her family and when it came down to weighing out whether or not I should be in her life, she lets this so call bad event dictate anything. It blows me away that this woman would call me 6 times a week and would consult me on everything in her life and can just go cold turkey like that. Who is she complaining to now? Who would have the patience to listen to her like I did? I know it is bad that I want her back. I keep thinking one more chance. I will minimize her significance in my life. I will set up stronger bounderies. I would rather change myself to keep her then lose her. How does someone become like this? I hope someone comments on this. No one commented on my last comment and I could really use the support.

    • Mel, perhaps she doesn’t need to come back yet because she really isn’t gone. If you keep reaching out to her, even indirectly, she may be getting what she wants from the relationship. For your sake, I hope she is gone for good. That might sound harsh in the light of what you are feeling these days, but it would almost certainly be for the best. She has managed to get you to beat yourself up and feel guilty and ashamed and she doesn’t even have to be there. That is a relationship you don’t need.

      You might be interested in this post from a while ago: https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2013/07/05/the-addiction/

      In all of us there is a need for acceptance and approval. When the narcissist holds that back from you, it hurts. This is especially true when she has gotten you to believe that the separation is your fault. Think back to the event. At the time, you thought you were helping. Your motivation was good. She has twisted the situation, even the memory, to make herself look good and you look bad. You are now responsible for her failure.

      The real problem in this is that you have accepted that responsibility. Think back. Sit down with a piece of paper and write it down. What did you do and why? Remind yourself of your intention and exactly what you did. Remind yourself of why she reacted as she did. Write it all down and keep it to look at from time to time. Eventually, the truth will settle back into your heart and you will find freedom.

      I will be praying for you and I expect others will as well.

  62. Mel

    My intent in telling that woman were good intentions. I wanted to help that woman’s husband get a job so their marriage and family life could get better. I was not doing it to meddle or gossip. The scary part was that she knew this about me. Do you think that she took out failure to get the job out on me? And if she did, why couldn’t she see after a few days she over reacted and apologize? I would of done that. I felt bad for whatever she accused me of. As I said, you said they come back. How come I have seen no signs of that? I guess you can see I want her to come back so I can repair the relationship because I feel guilty for ruining it. I hate this narcissistic silent treatment. It is so ridiculous for a grown woman to act like this to someone who treated her like a sister.

    • You can’t try to understand a narcissist by looking at yourself. They don’t think like you do. Yes, I think it is entirely possible that she set you up to blame for her own failure. If she had gotten the job, she would have patted herself on the back. Not getting it could be blamed on you.

      You did not ruin this relationship. When you get past it, you will see that it wasn’t a real relationship. You have already said it was one-sided. You will see that she was using you. The fact that you were blessed by the situation does not mean that it was a good relationship.

      Maybe the Lord is preventing her from coming back for your good.

      • Mel

        If the lord is preventing her from coming back then why didn’t he prevent her from coming back 250 fights ago. We been friends for 7 years. After two months of knowing her we got into a fight. After a month I apologized n we pik up from where we left off like the other 248 fights we had. The longest we stop talking was two months and like usual I apologize. It would of been easier if the lord ended it 249 fights ago. What did I learn? Don’t be good to people cause they maybe a psycho that uses u? And why does the lord keep having me run into people from her life? First her older daughter and then her younger daughters best friend? Next will be her cleaning woman? It’s like the lord is constantly reminding me of her.

      • Mel, the feelings you are having are intense and confusing. That alone is an indication that you should step back and find something else to focus on for a while. Did you read the post on The Addiction? The situation won’t go away, but sometimes we just go around and around in our thinking and can’t seem to stop. Ns are very good at causing that kind of thinking in us, but you need to find a way to stop. Go visit some other friends; find a good counselor to talk with; travel a little – do something that will help you clear your thinking on this.

        I can’t tell you whether she is actually a narcissist or borderline or what, because I don’t know her. I only know the little you have told me. I don’t know if the Lord is preventing her from coming back or if she is being cruel or if she has simply moved on to someone else. There is no way for me or anyone here to know these things. We can only say that the friendship seems toxic to you.

        If you go back to your original comment, you can read your own perspective on the friendship. Obviously, you feel like you were used. You feel like it was one-sided. When someone writes that kind of thing to me, I only know that they are hurt and that the relationship is causing the pain. Being out of the relationship, even for a while, can give you the distance and freedom to heal. Take advantage of that. Set the whole thing off to the side and put your mind on something else for a while. Go visit a nursing home and spend time with people who really do need a kind word and a friendly face. Go volunteer to help the children’s ministry at church. I don’t know. Let yourself have an hour, then two, then a day, without worrying about her.

        The only reason this is so intense is that you have not yet found the way to let go. She has her hooks in you. The only one who can take them out is you, and you can do it.

  63. Mel

    I’m just curious from my description I’m I describing a total narcissist? Was I used? There was no genuine friendship? Do you think she is a borderline with narcissistic qualities? I’m just try to understand what happen. Please respond to both my posts and let me know. I am having such a hard time moving on. Please give me some advice that will make the switch in my head turn off to her and make me realize she was no good for me.

  64. Katze

    Thank you so much for this article. I had a best friend for many years that is a narcissist. Everything we did had to be her idea. Everyone that I hung out with that she didn’t introduce me to she had ugly things to say about them. Anytime I would meet a guy that I was interested in, she would find something wrong with him. If I disagreed with anything she said or believed she would scold me like I was a silly child, or put me in the “dog house” so to speak. And for years I took this abuse and did not recognize it as abuse, but thought it was true concern from someone who cared about me. By the time I realized that her behavior was narcissistic, I began to distance myself from her, and of course she ended our friendship. Your words rang true with me, because I know my life will be better off without her. However, sometimes I do still care about and miss her. But I won’t ever let anyone else treat me that way again, or try to manipulate me into feeling guilty because I do not live or make the choices that THEY want me to make.

  65. Stacey

    You described it so well. Yes I feel all of that and also ashamed. How did I become so weak? How did I let this go on so long? All for a friendship that never was.

  66. Barbara McGrath

    I have recently learned that my husband has NPD. I have been married for 6 and 1/2 years to him and we have four children that we are raising; our two teens are his biologically. We have two very small children together. I have been living a nightmare with this man and it has progressively became worse over the last few years. I have and still suffer from verbal abuse and at times, physical abuse from him. All of the readings I have looked into about this disorder match his behavior perfectly. The emotional abuse, financial abuse, the isolation that he has enforced on my children and myself from friends and family members, the continual lies, the anger and rage daily, the feeling that I and the kids are walking on eggshells around him when he is home, the self exaltation and demand from me to not to defy him by asking questions about his decision makings that are usually off. His manipulation and threats if I don’t comply, his hostility and arrogance shown to me over nothing that I have done, the ridicule and devaluing of me as a person, woman, and a child of the King, my Lord Jesus Christ. His schemes and behaviors of being emotionally detached from me and the children. His twisted views on making moral decisions, like what is right or wrong, His not raising the children with me and encouraging our 13 year old to disrespect me by stating that he disrespects you because you disrespect his dad when I never even said or did anything to disrespect him. His telling me that I am crazy and that I need help, that I cannot do anything right, that I am messed up, etc. I am in a good state of mind in spite of all these spiritual attacks I think. Once that I found out the name of this disorder, and read that I am not alone in my pain, that there are other people out there experiencing the same thing, I became so relieved. I always knew that anything that he said to devalue me, was not true. I just couldn’t figure out why he acted the way he has and does. I have, however, become depressed over the last few years but I have remained functional. My health is in jeopardy but am planning to take care of getting my blood work done and my teeth corrected from my high levels of inflammation in my body and gum problems which have affected my health. I love my little guys more than life and I love who God says I am, a Blood bought child of Jesus. I just started to get into the Word of God more and am believing His promises for me and my children. I am asking God for wisdom continually on what He wants for me to do about being in this marriage and family, or leaving it. My heart breaks for all four of the children at the thought of a broken home should I leave with my younger two. I am the only one who really loves them on this earth and have been the only one raising them including my older two step children. Also, I know their need to have a mommy and a daddy that love eachother and show it. Fat chance, unless my husband humbles himself before the Lord and repents of His sin of Self and really gets saved. God can do anything but i am not holding my breath on my husband wanting to change and to ask God to help him. And, I feel that I am doing more damage to me and to all four children by just taking all of the abuse from him everyday! My five year old wants to know why daddy is always yelling at mommy, etc. It is so sad. The thought of her not being around him should I move out, really eats at me. And our little son, who runs throughtout the house saying daddy, daddy! It appears to be a no win situation. But I am trusting that God to lead me. I have not worked outside the home for 6 years now and the thought of raising my little ones scares me. The whole single mom role is frightening to me since I see how difficult it will be to be a mommy and a daddy to them both. Can I do this? I believe that God will put the right people and friends into my life once again who will be used by Him to help me along the rough road ahead. My heart dictates that I have to do this to protect myself, my five year old little girl, and my 16 month old son from any more damage that they have seen from their dad to me.They need a healthy, Spirit filled and happy mommy. They deserve that! I deserve that too! We deserve peace and and a living environment that is right and good and loving. I wish that I could be making future plans to take my step children with me, but I can’t since they are his biological children. I will continually keep watching how the Lord unfolds the steps that I need to take to make my move. I am hopeful and also smiling at the thought of becoming who I was before I met him 7 years ago. The real me is coming back, thanks to the Lord Jesus! Praying that He will make my future moves very clear for me to know what direction to walk in. Thank you for hearing me. And thank you for this website..very encouraging..

  67. Feelin sad today, like I can’t win. My friend recently had a baby, and my wanting to keep my distance from my friend now has consequences, so to speak, on the next generation. I just feel like a bigger jerk. And my “no contact” (or little, controlled contact) just comes off as cold silent treatment. How can I keep this up when there’s a baby in the picture?

    Is it just my pride that gets in the way of wanting to reconcile? Part of my most recent chilled feelings (well let’s be honest: anger and that ugly resentment — all on my watch) toward my friend is that she appropriated a group of my friends (including her now husband) in a way that they’re all now closer to each other than I am to any of them. My response has been to not want to be with them, which only solidifies their bond and my isolation. It’s so junior high, but I’m in my 40’s. I feel foolish.

    I’ve known my friend for 20 years longer than these folks, who would never believe that she is capable of what I know all too well she’s capable of. She’s simply not that way with them, only me. The more I remove myself for self-protection, the more I seemingly prove that I’m the bad friend all around, you know?

    And now there’s this baby. Everyone’s really excited and involved but me. It just sort of solidifies the reality of my end and their beginning if I continue on this path. Part of me feels that with this new life I should take the leap and soften up. But I’ve done that so many times in the past with my friend and got soooo burned each time … I just don’t know how anymore. All the BS is still there, but I’m the only one who sees it, feels it, or even cares. And yet, have I become too hard? There’s a baby now! How can I be so cruel to a baby?

    • New Creature

      Ahhh…the confusion and second guessing that is all too present in our relationships with Ns…even after we go NC. And somehow we are the ones that look bad…or at least it feels that way. I have no answers for you. All I can do is say that I know it hurts.

  68. Mya

    I felt RELIEVED when finally I said, “I think we’re spending too much time together.” In response, she literally GROWLED–no words–just a gutteral growl, and slammed down the phone receiver. It was the beautiful end of an ugly, narcissistic “friendship.” She was on the verge of moving away with her husband who learned 12 years later what he had gotten himself into and divorced her. How did I know? She was in touch with my MOTHER. Twenty years later she used my phone number procured from my mother to call me. My husband answered the phone, and I motioned to him I did not want to talk to her. Finally, I was rid of her. And it’s been happy days ever since.

  69. Kitkat

    Just want to give everyone an update on the situation I have been in. For the last several months now, since I left my church, I have had more than 2 dozen people either contact me directly, or if I happen to see them etc. tell me, “I wish you would come back to church.” I have never had this happen to me before when I left a church. My N ex-friend apparently has told people that she is no longer a member of the church and that she doesn’t believe in any religion now. Her husband, who loves this church, has not been working on any of the committees that he had been a part of, and is only occasionally seen at church services. She may be making his life a misery until he leaves too. But I think she has burned her bridges as some of the people at the church are not too happy with her because of her behavior since I left. It didn’t have anything to do with me as far as I know. So, I am going to try and return to the church in a few weeks. The pastor came by to see how we were doing and I told him that I was willing to return. He said that he loved us, (my husband and myself) and that he loved my ex-friend too, and he continues to pray for us both. I believe he did this so as to not appear he was taking sides, which I am okay with, as I know a pastor has a difficult job trying to maintain peace. And also to let us know that he cares for us. I don’t wish her any ill will, I just know that she cannot be trusted. I am prepared that if I return, she may come back. Some of my friends have said that if she takes any pot shots at me they will shut her down. But I am in a better place to deal with her now, at least I hope I am. We shall see. I will keep you all posted as to my progress and will report back. Hopefully, if all goes well, maybe I will be able to lend some insight on what happened and if there are lessons to be learned by us all. Keep praying and stay strong everyone.

    • UnForsaken

      Kitkat, that is unusual ! I hope you do find your return as successful as their warm requests. It sounds like you have some loyal friends!

      Ideas: Please do consider not getting involved with anything for awhile, because as you know she could come back just for more competition ( and her husband probably won’t be able to help telling her). Test the waters and see how the church reacts to your attending but not getting involved as well. In a few months, or when/if her husband leaves, you will have free range or at least a better idea of what is going on. I know this could be really hard when you see needs, but maybe you could think of it as trying out a totally new church, reassessing but enjoying a new phase with your church family.

      I will rejoice if this works out for you!!! So few people have been able to make this work, it would be just wonderful! But don’t feel too let down if you don’t have the same comfort level or something. It won’t be your fault. God has a plan! And He is leading you in this right now.

      I’ll be thinking of you. Hugs!!

      • Kitkat

        Thank you Unforsaken! I am being very, very cautious about the whole thing. As I said, I have never had so many people ask me to come back to a church before. And yes, I think you are right about getting involved again. One of the things that did concern me was, some said that if I come back they hoped that I would do certain things, so I asked, “Do you want me back for me, or what I can do for the church?” And some of the people who have been asking me to return said, that while they would appreciate anything that I can do, they really want me to return for me. So we will see. Glad I can get much needed support and wisdom here.

      • Kitkat

        I am amazed at this congregation. The more I attend the services the easier it has been getting. One of my friends has said that we will shield you from the N’s negativity. And they sit on either side of me when I am there. How marvelous, how wonderful are God’s people who truly live out the gospel. Even some of the N’s minions have started to talk to me. Don’t worry, I won’t get sucked in again. I told my friend that even if the N were to want to be friends again, I would refuse because I simply couldn’t trust her. Some of the people that the N was so desperate to impress are the very ones who have come to my aid. I attended a function on Saturday and the N and her husband was there. When we came into the room I said, “Hello” to them both and the others there. But there was a chill in the room that was palatable. We ended up outside the house with some of my friends for most of the time. When we did go inside, I could see her icy cold stare on me out of the corner of my eye. I told the organizer later that we would no longer attend those functions as it made it not only uncomfortable for us, but for everyone else. That was one of the reasons I chose to leave in the first place, as I didn’t want others to suffer because of this. So as I continue on in this church, I will be kind to her and her husband, but apart from social graces, I will not engage them in any other way. I am not sure how the N will continue to react since I have returned. I have a feeling she will do everything she can to try and compete with me on some level. If she cannot make headway by discrediting me, competition may be her only other recourse. She definitely has burned bridges there. People who were her friends don’t hardly acknowledge her or her husband. They realize that they are difficult people. I will continue to keep everyone updated as to my progress. I kind of feel like a guinea pig in a social experiment, but if it helps others to find a way to cope with the Narcissists that are all around us, then so be it. While the N’s in our lives try to do us harm there are those, in the words of my friend, who can and do “shield” us. Pastor Dave and all of you here are the “Shields of God”. Be encouraged by them. Hang in there. And one day God will separate the tares from the wheat, and we will live in His Sweet Peace. Thank you all for your prayers and love on this wonderful site.

    • Kitkat

      Well, I went to the church service and I was well received. My ex-friend and her husband did not show up. But one of the people they are close to was there and he didn’t speak to me and seemed to avoid me whenever possible. But his wife was most welcoming and asked if I was coming back, and I told her that I was. She is not the type to listen to too much negativity, so I think my ex-friend probably struck out with her. Everyone else was very kind and asked if I was coming back. When I told them I was, they genuinely seemed pleased. I will keep you posted as time progresses. I will keep my guard up, but I think that people who genuinely love the truth of the Gospel and serve the Lord the best that they can, without pretense, but with quiet servitude, loving hearts and united in their intolerance for chaos are the kind of congregation to best deal with Narcissist people.

      • Kitkat

        Unforsaken, hahaha you called it right. The second Sunday I went to church, both the ex-friend and her husband showed up. I saw him first and he had a very angry and hateful look on his face when he saw me. I was kind to him and walked past him. I saw her next and kindly said hello and she said, “hey” under her breath. And I walked away from her. When I went into the sanctuary everyone else was genuinely glad to see me. There were many more hugs and kind words. The N stayed in the back of the church and didn’t leave until after I left the room well after the service was over. I got the feeling she was taking inventory of who all were approaching, hugging and talking to me. I’m sure she was sadly disappointed as she was desperately outnumbered. It will be more interesting Saturday as I was invited personally by 4 different people, including the host, to a church get together. And the N had signed up to go to it that day. Pray for me and my husband as this could be more difficult as we will be in much closer quarters.

  70. Kathy

    I just ended a 33 year friendship with a narcissist. We were friends at the workplace years ago and would occasionally do things outside of work. But she was exhausting to spend more than a day with. When I moved, she wanted to come visit and I was surprised because I never thought we were that close. She came and was jealous of my next door neighbor, started trashing her, etc. Over the years we kept in touch pretty well (mainly she was contacting me) and then in about 2000 I moved again and our relationship grew further apart, which was fine with me. Two years ago we reconnected at her 10 year cancer-free anniversary party. We have been seeing a lot of each other considering we live four hours apart. We had a huge falling out after I stayed with her for four days while in town to visit my kids. She invited me to stay at her house, and I invited her and included her in my visits with the kids. Then she proceeds to get very upset to the point of drinking, crying etc. about me using her for a hotel. She is so drunk I’m sure she doesn’t remember most of the vile things she said to me. I left the next morning and it was tense. When I opened my suitcase, the flap knocked off a framed needlepoint done by her mother. It broke. I offered to help clean up, pay, fix and she said don’t worry about it. So I left feeling finally free of her nonsense! She tells her mother that I was made an knocked it off the wall! She made a nasty comment to me in a text message and I let her have it, by text and then an email. We didn’t speak for days. Then finally, as usual, I relented and wrote a heartfelt apology for MY behavior. She waited a week then called yesterday to rake me over the coals for using cuss words. That was her complaint. Then she said she was trying to be more like Jesus and didn’t want to be around any cussing. This is a girl who is sleeping with a married man whose wife is dying of cancer. This man is devoutly religious, doesn’t drink, smoke or cuss. She is the exact opposite – drinks to the point of being so drunk she doesn’t remember what she says, has never been religious and does cuss. Or at least she used to. Now she is following Jesus. This morning I wrote a final scathing email to bury this thing. It was cruel and to the point. But I feel like I need an exorcism! I can’t sleep, I’m depressed, it’s like PTSD and I have suffered from PTSD before years ago from a physically abusive relationship with a man so I know the signs. I have read some of the comments here and it seems I should be aware that I could be suckered into another relationship with a narcissist. Believe me my guard is up! Thanks for listening.

  71. I was dumped a couple months ago by someone that I think was narcissistic. She was so engaging to begin with…so attentive. She was to be my mentor and she began by describing her childhood abuse, and then went on to “brag” about her children and their positions in life of success. She drew me in and promised to always be there for me over and over. I had been shut in my home due to a botched surgery and the ensuing chronic pain, so I know I was very vulnerable to a relationship with her. I was so desperate for someone to listen to me and care, I had been suffering with a lot of pain, and I was desperately lonely.

    After a couple months she began to be distant and explained how she was always over committed, even though she told me many times that she believed that God brought us together and that she believed that God wanted me in her life. I believed her and I hung on. She was a Christian and much older and so I looked up to her.

    As time went on she became so disconnected and even told me I was too needy, and even though she was in a “ministry” she said that she doesn’t like needy people because they make her feel controlled.
    I repeatedly found myself putting myself down to try and gain her favor so that I could feel like she would value me. I know that’s so weak and sick, but I continued to feel more and more inadequate and like I should do something to bolster the relationship. I had the thought that maybe she just didn’t understand me, and that maybe I wasn’t saying things correctly, and so I went to copious amounts of effort to email her explanations in hopes of catching the person I had been drawn into knowing in the first place. Again, I was desperately lonely. Her responses were vacant, but she would keep telling me that she loved me and cared. Based on that alone it kept me seeking after her. She also went to great lengths to get me to share all m stories of abuse, always telling me I deserved to have a voice. Then turn around and got irritated if I disclosed any new struggles I was going through.

    She ended up being angry with me for wanting a real relationship, instead of just being happy with what she offered me. I. Felt. So. Horrible. All I thought was that I was trying to actually connect with her. She kept drawing me in with enough words to make me feel like she did want me in her life, but now I’m not sure.

    She even offered to be a mom figure to me and called me “family” when I visited her from out of town. She began to have angry outbursts when we Skyped. I was left in tears while she went on about what she was frustrated with, but I did not understand. I started to tell her that I didn’t like angry relationships, and she didn’t like me standing up for myself, and it was so hard for me to do because I did not understand what I was up against. She didn’t like to ever say she was sorry either and I was very hurt by her anger.

    All this to say that I have never felt so duped. I had so many red flags and yet I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt. It’s almost as time went on that her behavior nurtured a deep dependence in me for her, Iand the focus became about making her happy more than anything else, which I felt like I never did. Things always felt a bit odd and off, but I couldn’t see what it was.

    I am such an emotional mess right now and I wish that I had never been so guilable. I know that I love well and am loyal, and in this regard it has not been good for me. Next time I even get a whif of something “off” I will walk away before my heart gets mangled again. I have never felt so confused by someone who is supposed to know the Lord, and yet did not live by the word and how we are to treat each other. I don’t know if she was, but she wanted to always be in control, and never wanted me to be honest about her negative behavior. It was like she was so disconnected to how she was.

    If anyone who prays reads this, please pray that I will get healed. It has been so hard to move past the rejection and the whole idea of being lied too.

  72. Kitkat

    Kathy and Aperse1 if you read through Pastor Dave’s blog posts you will see the patterns of Narcissism that you both describe in your stories. This blog site has been a Godsend for me and so many others who have come face to face with this behavior. It is tiring, frustrating and just plain evil. But know that you are not alone, we have all been in your shoes. Look through the stories of other folks on this site and learn as much as you can. Don’t blame yourselves, it is not you, it is the Narcissists in your lives. Welcome, and I hope you get the support and comfort that you seek. This truly is a shelter from the storm. Take heart, we will be praying for you!

    • Thank you so much for the encouragement and especially the prayers!!! I feel like my heart got broken into a million pieces and I didn’t see it coming. I hope to learn what I can so I don’t get drawn into this again!!!

  73. stacey

    I just got out of a friendship(or rather she dropped me-I’m not sure which) with a woman who I have been friends with for the last 4 years. I don’t know if she is a narcissist or just has the traits. She has a lot of positve qualities which is the reason I have stayed in the relationship for so long but despite those qualities, I felt drained just by being around or talking to her. I always felt as if the friendship was operating under a list of unspoken rules which I didn’t know about but yet I was supposed to somehow know what they were if you know what I mean. I also began to feel a lot of unspoken anger and hostility when I was around her. I pretty much kept a lid on those feelings and never really expressed them although she did tell me one time that she could tell I was just trying to be nice to her. I felt really guilty for having those feelings.

    She did have a lot of good things about her. We worked together and she seemed to always put in 120% in whatever she did. She would go out of her way to help someone, sometimes going a little overboard. It would always seem altruistic on her part although after a few months she would get angry and claim those same people she helped were “using” her. Now she is the one who volunteered to help out and put herself in those situations only to later turn it around. She could also be witty and charming. People loved to be around her.

    The things that did bother me were that she would talk incessantly about herself, her opinions, etc. She would go on, and on, and on. Phone conversations were the worst and I always felt like my head had been ran through a blender. She always positioned herself as a kind of guru to her friends and always had an “expert” opinion on everything. I also caught her in several lies. Usually if she did not like, or held a grudge against someone, she would make up stories about them to bolster her opinions. She couldn’t stand our boss and made up an untrue story about him that really made me angry. She did not like the father of a friend of mine and made up a story that he had been with prostitutes several years ago. That really, really made me mad as this friends father works in the legal system with women who have been the victims of sex crimes.

    She also had a pattern of giving the silent treatment and stonewalling you for what seemed to be no apparent reason. I noticed over a period of years that it seemed to occur after “violating” some unspoken rule. It would usually happen for something as simple as not returning her calls right away or having to get off the phone while she was in the middle of one of her hours-long monologue. About 10 days ago, my father had an accident & we had to take him to the ER. I did not get her voicemail until later that afternoon. I explained the situation in a text but she never acknowledged it. Since, then, she has cut off all communication. This happened before. It’s been 10 days now and ironically, I feel as is I’m starting to get myself back and I feel so much happier. The only thing is that I can’t understand where all of my inexplicable anger towards her is coming from and I feel really guilty about having those feelings.

    • Katze

      Stacey,

      Your friend that you have described almost sounds exactly like my now ex-best friend of 8 years. She will go out of her way for new people and collect “acquaintances” so she is seen in a certain light. Then, turn around and talk shit about those same people for not being there for her. Also, the unspoken rules part really speaks to me, because that is exactly what my ex-best friend would do to me.
      It is truly awful that she would hold a grudge towards you while your father was in an accident in the ER. Perhaps this is the perfect time for you to let go of this friendship.
      I have now been free of my narcissistic ex-best friend now for almost an entire year, and I have never felt like my true self more than I do right now. I’m not saying you won’t miss her, because these people have entered our life for a reason. They are very charismatic and pleasant to be around when everything is going their way. However, toxic friendships like this just go around in circles, and completely drain our energy for interactions with other people.
      Good luck!

  74. chasingruth

    So sad that these people exist. Read my experience at https://chasingruth.wordpress.com/2015/10/09/the-cancerous-narcissist

  75. stacey

    After posting above on September 15, this friend contacted me again and of course I responded to her. She always has a “plausible” reason as to why she hasn’t called in a while. It’s always something vague like “I just haven’t been feeling well or my phone quit working. ” So we talk again over the next few weeks. And again, last weekend, I call her & tell her about something funny that happened at work and as before I hear nothing. Then I text and call her a day later to see how she is doing and again-nothing. Then on Wednesday I check my phone and she has sent a cute pic and I respond to tell her how cute it is. She never responds to my text. I check the message details and realize she has forwarded the pic to a bunch of people-not just me-and I don’t know if that is a mistake but I do know that she at least has the capability of texting me a response. THEN…….I receive a text from her, coming from another cell phone#, meant to be sent as a personal text to some other friend telling that other friend “just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and that you are loved.” I checked the message details again & realized it was forwarded to me by mistake except deep down I don’t think it was really a mistake. Somehow I think she mean’t to send it to my friend but also wanted me to see it. I then realized that she also has a another cell phone#, which I always suspected. I feel she gives out different phone #’s to different friends and uses the other one when she feels like ignoring others who have the other number. Does any of this make sense? It is weird.

    This has been a pattern over the last few years. She will drop off radar for a couple of weeks, then come back and act as if nothing has happened…..always with a reasonable sounding excuse. Then I end up feeling bad about having possibly overreacted and resume the friendship. Just when I get comfortable thinking the friendship is on solid ground again, I will contact her again, usually to tell her something funny-something that she or any other person would normally respond to-and then I get nothing for weeks.

    Does this sound like narcissistic behavior? I don’t think she is a full-blown narcissist but that she may have traits. I can tell you though I am so sick of her doing this and each time it happens, it just gives me a little more strength and resolve to consider ending the friendship once and for all. I may not do it right away and I may fall sucker to the cycle again but I am getting closer to ending it.

    • Just wanted to say that I felt the same behavior with my narcissist as well. He was a very “out of sight, out of mind” person. Like you’d think that if we were spending lunch and dinner everyday, that you would want to stay in contact over the summer, and respond when I ask something, and keep conversations, but that never happened at all. He did a LOT more things to make me think we was a full blown narcissist but I do want to say one thing: your friend may or may not be a narcissist, but honestly, i don’t think it matters. If she’s behaving in a way that’s making you upset and making your feel weird and uncomfortable, you should cut if off. Self-care is important, and taking care of your emotional well-being is way more important than feeling like you’re hurting someone, who clearly doesn’t care about you as much as you care about her (from what you’re saying). This “roller-coaster pattern” isn’t emotionally healthy. So my advice: you should do what’s healthy for you, which in this situation would most probably be just cutting it off.

  76. stacey

    In the above post, in the 1st paragraph, I meant to say that I felt that she mean’t the text to go to her other friend but that it was also forwarded to me on purpose for me to see. Normally, she is very personal about saying those kinds of things and would not forward those kinds of personal texts to others.

  77. MGreen

    My former narcissistic best friend contacted me after a year and half of me using the NO CONTACT rule. She sent one text that was insane like nothing had ever happened, then when I didn’t engage after two days, she sent a mean one next. Both were written in a manner in which if she showed them to someone, I would look bad or crazy rather than the other way around. Thank goodness I have been reading this blog and the friendship blog over the last year to understand the importance of NOT engaging with them in any form. I had to block her on my phone this morning, but I am now worried that she will try other things (stirring me up was her plan). Do they ever give up? This is scary.

  78. I just wanted to thank the person who wrote this because for 9 months, I had been searching for an article like this to come along. Not many people “get” narcissistic FRIENDSHIP abuse, and it’s so hard to explain. Sometimes people were like, “but he was your friend, how was he being abusive? I don’t get it…”. We’re so primed to just view abusive RELATIONSHIPS and sometimes abusive FRIENDSHIPS don’t necessarily fall so cookie-cutter into the stereotypical narcissistic relationship abuse “signs and stories”. So thank you for MENTIONING that narcissistic friendships are among the TOUGHEST to handle. 9 months ago I decided to end contact with ex-narcissist, who decided to contact one of our mutual friends a couple of times to “grab a meal”. Almost healed now, but thank you for this article. It truly does understand me and what I went through. Literally every word speaks to me. So thank you!

  79. Kitkat

    I just want to update my situation for those who have helped me through a very difficult time. Since I have returned to church things have gotten continually better. The N has all but disappeared. She isn’t seen for weeks on end and I am not sure she will return. If she does, it no longer bothers me to see her. I realized I invested way too much in her and not enough in the Lord. This congregation has been wonderful in their kindness not only to me but also to the N. Love can change the world. And it can also frustrate those who seek to destroy it. I have started to participate more in activities and projects but I have done it at a slower pace. Being careful not to get involved too much in case things don’t work out. It is refreshing to see that some of the things that I worked on before have continued to develop and the church is progressing in a positive way and have been taken over by much more talented people than myself. A loving team working together and work together well, is a great thing to see. My situation, I know, is rare. But my observations are this, a N cannot prosper if their lies and deceit are discouraged. If gossip and character bashing are allowed to flourish, so too, will the N. They play to our basic instincts, flaws and personal biases. There were two things that I now know in my own self that attracted this N to me. One, I had an issue with someone that I wouldn’t let go of. And I wanted someone, anyone to understand my side of things. The N filled that need. Two, I was guilty of the very thing, gossip, that I so despised when it happened to me. And the N indulged and encouraged my own vicious gossip. There are probably other things but these are the two that jump out at me that I am guilty of. I am resolved to be more like the person God wants me to be and less about the need to have someone in my corner, so to speak. The Lord is in my corner. And He has taught me a very valuable lesson. One of the other things about this church that is probably why the N couldn’t prosper is, it is an older congregation. Many of them have gone through these lessons and have seen the destructive nature of such things and therefore do not give them place in the church to thrive. As such, the soil is not so fertile for the N to survive in. I believe this is a microcosm of how things can change in the world, if we simply just don’t tolerate evil whenever and wherever it rears it’s ugly head. Do not engage in it, encourage the good, and expose, confront and dismiss the bad. Be people of character, integrity and honor. These are hard lessons to learn, but they are there in the scriptures, but it is so hard at times to put them into practice. With every lesson like this, the scriptures become more alive to me. They are not just “Memory Verses”, they are tangible, practical, and a hands on way of life. It is not easy, I am still learning. I have a good church home, and I hope to grow to my fullest potential in God’s Great Grace. Thank you everyone who have helped me on this journey, and thank you Pastor Dave for this loving safe place to seek shelter and vent without judgement. You are all a wonderful Blessing!

  80. Carrie

    Thanks. I will listen to my mom next time.

  81. besidethesea

    This site has been a resource and a help in trying to deal with and move on from my narcissistic friend breakup. I sometimes laugh at myself and wonder how I managed to get into and not see what was happening. And I still do… 8 months on and I still see this as my breaking point. My Achilles heel. I have been through lots in my life and have a great resilience to many things. But this got me. As you all mentioned its the shock. The disbelief in how someone you trust and care for and let in could so callously ‘without feeling’ hurt and discard as if you never meant anything. And the blame!
    My ex friend wrote a list.. of why she was great and i was not. The Passive aggressive ststements from years ago dumfounded me. How could this person have such animosity and yet pretend to care. . How could she see me with such meanness. I was her only friend to visit her on her birthday. I baked her a cake. I embraced her and her family and truly cared. Shared. Loved.

    When I received her very hurtful email with all her criticism and projections and paranoid notions of me.
    I had an emotional trauma. Its the only way I can explain it. I was so upset for weeks. I wrote back expressing my shock. Sadness. And hurt at how I felt. I was polite and honest. I am not afraid to be real and vulnerable. It is part of who I am and I have spent alot of time in education and therapy in order to be real with people.

    I guess I expected something. I expected my hurt and pain would make her feel sad or something for all she said. I wanted to believe I hadn’t made a huge mistake in letting this person into my heart. I had to be able to make her see how her being mean had effected me!!
    Well it didn’t work!! I was left with another insult and a cold guilt trip.

    Its been one of my hardest lessons in life. I have had to look hard at myself. Why did I attract this. Why did I allow this to hurt me so much. I have been to counselling and it has helped some. I am not ruminating as much…. but I have had some anxiety and it has taken irs tole on me as a person. I lost a bit of myself. Its sad but its true.

    Its been no contact for 8 months. But unfortunately we live on the same street which is a cul de sac… so I see her passing my house. This has proved to be very difficult for me.
    I have let it go. I have forgiven myself and her. I choose to politely wave but she chooses to be cold and mean.
    Our children used to play but she has since stopped visiting the local play park and beach. She once drove past and her son was looking on dying for a play with the other children. This has broken my heart the most. When we broke our friendship she insinuating I would tell.my children not to play with her son. Another blow to a person I thought she knew. We all loved her son and to think we would ever stop our children from playing with him was so hurtful. Needless to say it was her herself who did this by excluding him from local play areas. I still feel so bad for this boy.

    This has been a big rant. I am still processing and coming to terms with my feelings around this. I am n empath which makes it even harder to deal with.
    Thank you all for sharing your stories which has helped me see im not alone and there is life after narcissistic attacks. We are brave and beautiful. In the words of Louis L hay… “I am a wonderful expression of life and I deserve the very best”
    And to you all the same.
    ☆ besidethesea

    • Kathy

      You “attract” Ns because you are a kind and caring and NORMAL person. That is to whom they are attracted. You can’t really think they would be attracted to someone who would see thru them right away or would set boundaries immediately, do you? No. They know who to go after!! But look at your other friends — you also attract OTHER kind and caring and NORMAL people
      The reason we ruminate and dwell on it so long is because there is no closure. We keep thinking that if we said this or that or did this or that, they would realize what they’ve done. We are PROJECTING our NORMALCY on them! We project as much as they do!!!
      But they are not normal. All the pleading, tears, explanations, different words will NEVER permeate their souls. It’s sad.
      Lack of closure is what really torments us.
      I’m so sorry that you are hurting so badly. And I’m so very sorry that her little boy is no longer playing with yours. Word of warning: People like her do and will SMEAR the one who is their victim. Do not be surprised if that little boy or other moms have been told bad things about YOU. He may believe you and/or your son has rejected him. That is sad. Wave at him instead of at his mom.
      And hang in there. You are so not alone. ((hugs))

  82. Janet

    Wow, this is PRECISELY where I am now! What do I do? I have to remain positive, through the blame game. I have to just write off this relationship as a really bad investment and just accept that I will never get back what I put in. My narcissistic ex friend simply cannot see my side of things. So, I ask the Lord to please restore the years that locust has eaten and trust Him to comfort me.

    What just shocks me, and what I cannot get my head around is that this person actually believes herself, the self delusions. I cannot get my head around the fact that this person is actually a believer in Jesus.

  83. ursam1nor

    it’s been about a year now. the email a year ago came out of the blue. accusing, casting blame, lies and distortions. I was all the evil in the world. the person who took him in when no one else wanted to have anything to do with him. When his long time friend and roommate finally had had enough and moved across country to get away from him. He had gotten drunk and totaled his roommate’s new car. Of course the roommate ate the depreciation; ate the deductible and increase in insurance. I didn’t know the details until later. Until it was too late. I overlooked his inability to contribute to expenses, utilities, the rent he told me he’d pay. I knew he didn’t have any money. I overlooked it. the one time I reminded him that first month when it was days, weeks late, he threw the money in my face and stalked away in fury. I overlooked the freeloading ‘boyfriend’ he moved into my house, without asking. Using up twice as much heat and electric and water now. It wasn’t completely one sided. He was consoling as long as I was below him. as long as I was unemployed. the rent was supposed to help but I ended up accepting ‘company’ in lieu of any kind of actual cash or payment. He gave me a couple of bucks for some sub contracting work. things he didn’t know how to do like wall paper hanging and faux finishing. But of course, not because he didn’t know how. He always new better, best, until he didn’t and then I was supposed to bail him out because he was being good to me.

    I celebrated for him when he ‘bought’ a house (his father bought the house); glad for him that he had a place of his own and his ‘boyfriend’. that he was recovering his own space and ability to support himself. Of course after a few months he suddenly had to move back to where his parents were living. He dumped ‘boyfriend’ for being too dumb, too unambitious. he wasn’t good enough. He had to sell the house short and I suspect, he put the cash payment in his pocket and never repaid his father the money. He dumped daddy too. probably when it became apparent the cash from the sale went down the same drain hole all his money went to and facing daddy became too unbearable. It cracked his illusion. Daddy was the bad guy. he deserved it. should I even believe those stories anymore? I doubt everything now. all the old boyfriends who were evil to him; who wouldn’t support him while he made his art (and ran up the credit card debts). all the stories about how daddy abused and beat him. the bosses that wouldn’t pay him; who treated him badly; who conspired to take work away from him. I suspect all those stories now. But I was the perfect listener then. I protected and stood up for him. I was shunned for him and lost friends for him.

    when his mother died, the calls started. almost everyday. I took the time to console him even though it got me into trouble at work. I bought a cell phone just so it wouldn’t tie up the company phone. I wasn’t going to tell a friend in grief to stop calling me. the call every morning to keep him amused while he drove to the job site. I was the one who listened. I was the substitute for having to listen to his own thoughts. years, a decade of calls. almost every day. making sure the illusion was still intact. until it wasn’t.

    he’s found someone else to listen now. someone else who keeps his illusions alive. someone who isn’t asking difficult questions about the credit card debts and how his new boyfriend is going pay those. someone who is comfortable with two faced relationships. someone who is more than glad to listen because they are just as two faced. they are drawn to freeloaders and thieves because they are preserving that illusion for themselves. they are all thick as thieves now. the coke addict who stole money from his boss’s till. the friend who stole cash that was supposed to go to a wedding gift. the narcissist who stole time and concern and empathy from everyone he ever met. I am sure they all laugh and laugh at what rubes we are for believing them.

    “a man was walking down the street and fell in a hole”. It’s a scene from a favorite show we watched together. a scene about lasting friendship. It was something I thought we shared. Not real. no shared experience. only an illusion. I dared to pull back the curtain and now I am the enemy.

    too bad for him. I was sad. But I still have friends. friends who aren’t liars. friends who aren’t two faced. friends who are flawed and accept that we all are flawed and can still co-exist with our flaws. there are no flaws in his world. only the illusion.

  84. Janet

    Wow! Just spent an hour reading responses and I saw myself in EVERY situation. I no where near finished reading them all too, there are so many. One thing that is PRECISELY what happens to us, why we get ourselves into these horrible relationships: they make us feel SPECIAL. We spend so much time trying to keep that. We feel wonderful being a source of blessings, encouragement, and councel to them. The confusion comes when more often than not, they make us feel WORTHLESS, incompetent, and they accuse us of all kinds of horrible things that have enough truth in it to be able to stick. My NPD friend actually came between me and my relationship with God, and my faith IN HIM was severely damaged. Why didn’t He DEAL with the outright sin of gossip, lying, abuse? When God didn’t do what she expected she would blaspheme. He SEEMED to never call her to account on anything she did. Why did I have to bear all the blame? I ended the relationship 6 months ago and little by little I am detoxing and restoring my intimacy and trust in God. She has repented of nothing. If I did a fraction of the things she does, God woyld have called me on the carpet post haste. This has been the hardest part in the healing process.

    • Stacey

      It’s astounding how alike they are, isn’t it? Janet, something that helped me tremendously is Psalm 73. Maybe it would speak to your situation as well.

      • Janet

        Oh yeah, good ol’ Ps 73! I have been living in that Psalm for 6 years, the duration of my “friendship”. I now CHOOSE to believe that God is JUST. I repented of my rebellion against Him for what has seemed like injustice toward me. I was a “brute beast before Him”. He will set these poor deluded, damaged Ns on a slippery slope one day. I hope my former friend will be able to grasp God’s love for her enough to fill the void in her soul and lead her to embrace His truth.

    • Wanda

      All of these posts are great! Went No Contact from a family member and a best friend a few years ago. Painful to be sure, at first, but as time went by I realized I didn’t miss them at all. My beef with them was that they couldn’t take it like they could dish it out.
      When I stood up to them, they couldn’t handle it. No point in trying to make sense of what they’re doing to you, except to understand their MO. Understand that walking away is the most sane thing you can do. Let them have their tantrum till they run out of breath and people are tired of hearing it. I guess what’s frustrating is that it’s so very common out there. Jeeze maybe I’m one too and I don’t even know it. Nah, I don’t have the heart to make people feel so bad, although I sometimes want to slap these narcissists silly! But, I know better than to think it would do much more than make me feel good for a minute.
      And then I just go find something more pleasant to do.
      When I get weak I read great insights like all you people and then I remember why I did it. Thanks!

  85. A very good friend got tied up with a classic narc. He love bombed her, were ingaged in 3 months , packed her job and house in, then then half way across the Nullibor Plain to live in another state of Australia he turned to her and said,”You now have to agree with everything I say”. He wasnt joking! . Needless to say, she worked full time while he didnt do a thing, paid all his debts, did all household chores, was verbally abused, gaslighted, even threatened when he was on air on a radio show he was involved in. She then saud she was going back to WA, she had no money, had ti borrow from family and friends. She left all her furniture, household stuff, photos ect in the process of being freighted back by removalists. Enroute back, she had to drive her car back ti WA from Vic, he refused to let removalists pick her stuff up. He sold all her furniture, tvs, fridges ect and pocketed thousands, cops couldnt do anything! She begged for return of kids photos he refused unless she pay him another $5,000! . She had to, no leg to stand on, even went to lawyer. Meanwhile she ended up in mental health unit, due to stress, no job, no home, all her stuff being gone, and financial stress. She moved into caravan on a friends property and things improved. All the while this parasite was sending her vile emails onsisting she broke a promise that she didnt support him financially like she promised?????. He wont work, nothing wrong with the man. He blamed her becayse he was going too lose his house because she wasnt paying his mortgage. She informed him he is in the same position as before she even met him!! In the meantime suck if the abuse if his Mother, her son rang him and threatened to come over with his bikie mates and rub him out. Naturally the coward ran straight ti the cops who rang her son who filled them in on the facts. They believed him possibly because he is a habitual litigant, (always in court), cou r case in works for property fraud. The police went around and him to stop harassing my friend or HE will be charged! Beautiful!. For reference he had just separated from his second wife, first wife and children he is estranged from also all his own family. Second wife also worked full time while he did nothing. He was/is heavilly involved in church as is my friend, and his ex wife as well. Apparently one of the parishiners punched his lights out for abusing and threatening people at church, wonder why?. My friend is a very intelligent woman and she cant believe she fell for all his crap. We met him, we knew there was something was wrong with him but didnt know what.

  86. This is just great. Pity it can take too long to acknowledge and accept these breed of humanity. The soulless immature psychopaths. If only they had smaller bodies like toddlers it would have been so much easier.

  87. How come some of us are a magnet for these psychpathi breed of humanity? Do not quote me but I think our sick parents raising sick families set us up for this!
    I mean the mathematical law of mean does not hold up. If I did not know better I would have said it is a curse.

  88. Robyn

    Great article on this topic! I have just got out from a narcistic friendship, she ended it. But as someone wrote above, I feel a hole too, though I know I am better off without her. We have been friends for many years now, had common interests, so I enjoyed talking to her, but after a while I felt sthg weird about her. She didnt care about my feelings in certain situations, so I lost contact with her on purpose, but were good friends again after a year passed. Last year we did volunteer work together and it got so awful, I started to see her real side. It was all about her, she wanted to do everything, though I was more experienced and when I told it to her she raged at me. She cannot take any criticism, but she is so quick to criticise others. Then she broke the friendship, because of my critics, she even blocked me on facebook, but after a few months she contacted me. I didnt suspect her narcistic tendencies back then. Now a few days ago the same happened, but now it confused me so much that I started to research about it and found out she probably has narcissist tendencies. She always said she is so smart and special, she thinks so highly of herself and the last things she said to me was like downgrading my life and professional choices: Im am finishing my PhD. She teaches in an elementary school, but its her second school in 3 years, and she said she is worth more than this, cause she is so special. And I can feel her envy about my achievements. Now I feel sorry for her, but I am wondering what will be her future, and will she contact me again like last year?

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