Grief

It’s Narcissist Friday!

One thing that is rarely talked about when disaster strikes is simple grief. We see it on the news as people sob over their losses, but we don’t discuss it much. I suppose we are fixers, people who want to help others move on to rebuild their lives. But grief is real.

And grief is real after the narcissistic relationship. So is shock. Not sudden fear, but the paralyzing, debilitating, stun that won’t allow any of it to make sense. But shock sometimes allows people to make changes.

I have read of deer hunters who hit their prey in the heart, destroying the heart, but watch as it runs away. It doesn’t seem like the deer should be able to run, but it does…because shock stops its body from realizing that its heart can no longer do its job. Eventually, the deer simply falls over.

The shock of understanding that comes to people when they realize their “lover” was never capable of love and they were being used for the duration of the relationship is stunning. It may allow action, but not a great deal of introspection or self-care. Sometimes sheer instinct tells you to run, so you run.

And you don’t die. Instead, you finally stop running and the horror of what has happened hits you. That’s when the grief begins.

Grief is part of healing, part of moving forward. It shows itself in anger and other emotions. Many of us have become aware of stages of grief. (DABDA: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). Those stages are not reserved for the death of a loved one, but for any loss that moves us to grief.

The loss of a marriage. The loss of a nuclear family. The loss of the hope or promise of love. The loss of the story of what life was supposed to be. These are real losses, and they lead to real grief.

The time will come when you finally stop the activity that shock and need have brought, and you will grieve. Grief is normal. Tears, angry words, depression, exhaustion. These are all normal.

Hopefully you are supported by loving friends or family, but too many find themselves grieving on their own. You will find that grief is a process through which you discover who you are and what you still have. Grief completes the shock.

I have counseled many people in times of grief and have come to the conclusion that grief is the process of learning who we are now that the person or situation is gone. “Who am I now?” people ask. Is a wife still a wife when her husband dies? Is a child still a child without parents? Is a parent still a parent without a child? Grief helps us sort these things out.

Good counselors can help. Good friends can help. Accept your grief when the narcissistic relationship ends. Accept the loss of what could have been, should have been. Accept the loss of everything you feel that you have lost. Then, embrace the grief that leads you out.

This is the time when we need the Counselor, the Spirit of the Living God, the One who walks every day with our hearts. This is the time to read the Psalms to see how the Lord walked with David as David grieved. This is the time to accept that amazing love of God even when it hurts.

You never grieve alone. Speaking of Jesus, Isaiah wrote that He would bear our grief and carry our sorrows. Hebrews says that Jesus is our High Priest who is able to sympathize with our weaknesses. In our grief, we have a Friend who stands with us to comfort and protect us.

Peace

It’s Monday Grace!

““I leave you peace; my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don’t let your hearts be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27, NCV)

It is our Lord’s heart that we should walk through our days in peace. When Jesus prepared His disciples for what was to come, the crucifixion and His ascension, He said He was giving them peace, His peace. After those difficult days of grief and fear, He would give them His Holy Spirit so they would know His presence and His peace.

And, frankly, it was a great blessing. They didn’t know it, but they were about to enter challenging days. These believers would be rejected by family and friends, hunted and beaten and killed just for their faith in Jesus. Some of them would travel many miles to escape the severe persecution, leaving their homes and their nation. Difficult days were coming.

Peace, in the world’s version, means the absence of trouble. But Jesus did not give peace like the world suggested. Instead, He would be with them, in them, every step. They would know the truth, because of the Spirit, and they would find their peace in Jesus, no matter what trouble came their way.

I don’t know what lies ahead for believers. These are certainly strange and troubling days. It seems like common sense and decency have all but disappeared. People are running around in confusion and anger and fear. But believers are called to be at peace through such days.

Of course, it doesn’t take prophecy and world troubles to challenge the peace of our lives. We all know what it is like to get bad news. A difficult diagnosis, an unwelcome event, a worrisome word. There are enough troubles in our regular lives for the world’s troubles to take a back seat.

And even in those troubles, the ones that come in the mail or from the doctor’s office, the Lord is with us. He wants us to walk in peace. He does not want us to be afraid or worried. He does not want us to borrow trouble from tomorrow. He does not want us to be focused on our needs. He just wants us to walk with Him in peace.

Follow me. That’s what Jesus says to the people of this world. It is the only call to us. As we follow Him, everything else will fall into place.

““So I tell you, don’t worry about the food or drink you need to live, or about the clothes you need for your body. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothes. Look at the birds in the air. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, but your heavenly Father feeds them. And you know that you are worth much more than the birds. You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it. “And why do you worry about clothes? Look at how the lilies in the field grow. They don’t work or make clothes for themselves. But I tell you that even Solomon with his riches was not dressed as beautifully as one of these flowers. God clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today but tomorrow is thrown into the fire. So you can be even more sure that God will clothe you. Don’t have so little faith! Don’t worry and say, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ The people who don’t know God keep trying to get these things, and your Father in heaven knows you need them. Seek first God’s kingdom and what God wants. Then all your other needs will be met as well. So don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will have its own worries. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:25–34, NCV)

Home

It’s Narcissist Friday!

Nothing is the same after the tornado. Just as I write this, tornadoes have again destroyed whole communities. Houses, trees, stores, landmarks—all are gone. Nothing is the same.

In our world of debt and financial struggle, even those with generally positive separation settlements often find themselves without a home. The home they loved, in which they raised their children, around which they planted flowers and trees, has to be sold to divide the resources. And, frankly, that’s for some of the lucky ones. Some discover that the narcissist’s magic has given the home to the abuser. Or maybe they had to move far away to feel safe.

And nothing is the same. The school, the neighbors, the stores, maybe even the climate is different. It is unsettling.

Our local community has a couple of Facebook pages for general sharing. People ask questions, offer help and goods, and try to communicate. Very often I read requests from newly single parents who have relocated. They are often living in their car until they can find a place, any place.

It’s surprising, isn’t it, to realize how similar the end of a narcissistic relationship can be to the aftermath of a natural disaster? In so many ways, “disaster” seems to be a good description of what happened.

I have known families who have moved a lot. It isn’t uncommon today for families to move across the country, perhaps several times, in job changes or just for adventure. One common trait for these folks is their definition of “home.” Home is where they could be together.

That’s what you must believe. Home is anywhere you and your kids can sit down to laugh and pray and share. Home is a feeling, a refuge, rather than a particular building. That familiarity that you lost is not nearly as important as the feeling you get from enjoying each other.

Yes, I understand that families are often not so together after the end of the narcissistic relationship. Stress is high. Kids act out their anger and grief. Be patient and remember that you are survivors. Love will lead to healing.

And, yes, I understand that some don’t have families. You still had to move away to feel safe. You still lost your home and feel disoriented today. But part of rebuilding will be to become familiar with your new home. New friends, new opportunities, new adventures. These are challenges, but not bad things. Decorate your way. Sing your way. Be who you have wanted to be.

Remember that home here is only a glimpse of the home that is waiting for you as a believer. You will never find in an earthly home, house, or community what is promised in Heaven. So, even if you are alone, being present with Jesus is like being home. The support and love you find as you pray or walk with Him is the closest you will get to your real home today.

Home, they say, is where the heart is. Home is a feeling of acceptance and welcome and comfort. Trust that you can find that in Jesus. Trust that you can give that to your children. Let yourself receive that from family and friends who love you, even new friends.

The Grid – Once More

It’s Monday Grace!

I started this whole line of posts by talking about the grid through which we see life. My concern is that the world, the flesh, and the devil conspire to influence our thinking in the wrong direction. From the beginning of our lives, we are self-focused. We are frightened and needy. But we should grow out of that thinking. We should learn about the love of God and the provision and protection He gives.

The enemies of our souls, however, want us to remain as infants, frightened and needy. They don’t want us to know of victory and freedom and the bountiful blessings of God. They want us to be weak and easy to manipulate.

So, they provide a whole framework for us to use as we learn to walk in this world, to live this life. A grid, if you will, that colors or shapes our thinking. We look around in fear, because they have convinced us of rejection for poor performance. We doubt ourselves because we look at what we cannot do instead of looking to the Lord who can do anything. Just as Peter began to slip under the water when he thought about the impossibility of what he was doing, so we begin to slip when we take our eyes off Jesus.

So, let the love of God in Jesus be the grid through which you see your life and your walk. Every time something comes up to challenge your thinking, go quickly to the truth of His love. Whether it is trouble in the world, challenges in your family or job, or even doubts about your salvation, look to His love. Tell yourself the truth.

It is normal to question your salvation and your position in Christ. The enemies bring those thoughts to the front of our minds and reinforce them in what we see in this world. But, since it is normal, you can shake off those doubts and look again to Jesus.

There is a reason the Lord tells us over and over of His presence. We are filled with His Spirit. Jesus is always with us. The Father will never forsake us. The Scriptures say this in so many ways. He is present wherever you are, whatever you are doing. And in Him is your victory and peace.

I always tell people to start from what they know as they prepare to step into mysteries or troubles. There are some things that bother me, some unanswered prayers and questions. I don’t understand why certain things can’t be changed or made right (according to my idea of right). But I must always yield to what I know to be true, that Jesus loves me and loves those I love. He is great and good, and I can trust Him.

That’s the grid through which we have to view life. Life is filled with challenges and troubles. If we let it, life will bombard us with worries and fears. But always the love of Jesus is more powerful. Always the love of Jesus is the place to start our thinking.

And everything looks better through that grid!

Finances

It’s Narcissist Friday!

When I was young, I found an old postcard in the seat of my dad’s car. It said, “Money isn’t everything, but it’s way ahead of whatever’s in second place.” The logic of the statement has always puzzled me, but I have understood the message.

Money is a big deal. We need it to move forward in life. We need it to survive day by day. We have been trained to think of money as a necessity, something we simply cannot live without. And, again, the world reinforces that idea.

So, after the narcissistic relationship is over, how are your finances? For some, the finances are quite sufficient. Some got out before the narcissist used everything up and got enough in the end to survive well. Others were not so fortunate.

I have heard too many stories where the narcissist got almost everything. Some wives have even lost their inherited family properties to the narcissist in the final settlement. Some of these stories are very sad.

And, let’s face it, not many narcissists will pay child support. Some have left their jobs just to avoid paying support. He might get a new truck, but the kids will get nothing. It happens way too often.

And you are left with the financial struggle. When the flood came through our area, few people had insurance that would cover that damage. They had so many expenses and so little with which to rebuild. Some lost everything and recovered nothing. That’s what happened for too many after the narcissistic relationships. Usually, finances are part of narcissistic abuse.

Many of the victims I have talked with are competent and creative people. They are able to take care of themselves and their children. They are able to function well in a competitive world. But they have been beat down by the narcissist/abuser. They have been left with little for rebuilding. It’s like they are starting a race with an injury, already behind from the start.

But they keep going. You can too. Take what help you can get. Don’t let pride keep others from helping you. Then rebuild.

Take all the prayers you can get. People won’t appreciate a continual whine from you, but they usually do care. They will pray with you. The Lord might use them to help with ideas and strategy and boundaries. And you can pray. The Lord loves to give specific answers to meet your needs.

And, listen: you don’t need as much money as you think. You don’t owe your children the latest and fanciest clothes or toys or electronics just because they have gone through a hard time. You don’t have to keep up with the neighbors. Your kids might try to manipulate, but you just keep looking forward. They really will benefit from being told to wait or that they don’t need something.

I remember a story of a family that gathered around the table for Christmas to open a crumpled paper bag, the only special thing the family had for that Christmas. In the bag was an apple saved from the fall harvest. It was a little withered, but it tasted great. The child who told the story felt that was the best Christmas ever.

Memories don’t come from the money that is spent, but from the love that is shared. Money really isn’t even close to second place in the important things of life.

When We Sin

It’s Monday Grace!

The daily walk of the believer under grace is not perfect. The law-followers are quick to point that out. They claim that we are soft on sin. They claim that we don’t focus on our sin like they do. And, of course, they are right.

But law-followers sin too. In fact, we could make the case that the more you focus on sin, the more you will sin. The law never gave freedom and victory. All it could ever do was point out the sin, never fix it. No one, Paul said, is made perfect by the law.

So, don’t expect yourself to be perfect. Over the past few months we have been talking about the enemies that work so hard to mess with our thinking and distract us from our resources in Christ. Sometimes, they work. Sometimes, we react in the flesh, just like the world, and please the evil one. Sometimes we don’t live who we really are.

Does that mean just go ahead and sin? Of course not, and that’s not what I said. As believers, we have been freed both from the stain and the power of sin. Sin, Paul writes, no longer has dominion over us. That means we don’t have to do those things the Lord calls sin. We can live in freedom and victory.

But not by sheer willpower. And not by group accountability. And not by substituting acts of service or contrition. Our victory over sin lies in the Person of Jesus, just as every other part of this new life does. He is our Deliverer.

In practice, that means that every time I sin, I look to Him. I agree with Him on the dangers and foolishness of my actions. Then, I thank Him for the victory. I claim that victory every time I sin…because that victory is fully mine. Neither the devil nor the world can take that victory away from me, nor can my flesh that seems so close to my own heart. There is no sin on my account. It has all been washed away by the blood of Jesus. I am already victorious through Him.

Believers must learn to walk in the freedom and victory Jesus has already given us. Our focus on Him is not one filled with shame and guilt, but joy and peace. When we look at Him, He is not frowning in disapproval, but smiling in welcome. That’s the Lord who loves us.

Remember that the only real power the devil has is his lies. When he accuses you, to you, he lies about your connection to the Lord. He points out the sin the Lord has already separated from you. He says that you have failed to keep your end of the bargain. The devil is a very practiced liar.

But the truth will set you free. That’s what Jesus said. The truth of Who He is. The truth of what He has done. The truth of who you are. The truth of your cleansing, your salvation, your hope. Truth will overcome the lies of the evil one.

Immerse yourself in the truth Jesus wants you to know and depend on. Begin to see it everywhere in Scripture. Fill your life with the consistent word of grace.

Inferiority

It’s Narcissist Friday!

The narcissist made you feel inferior. Inferior to him/her, inferior to what you should be, inferior to the rest of the world. The only positive you were supposed to have in your life was the narcissist.

We have talked about this before. Narcissists often attach themselves to people who offer something better than the narcissists think they have in themselves. They will connect with people who can handle money, people who are popular or strong or smart, and people who will bring the image of the narcissist up. Because they normally feel inferior themselves, narcissists attach to people who enhance their image.

Then they proceed to take what they can from their victims and work to make them feel inferior. In other words, the narcissist uses superior people but cannot live with superior people. They have to downgrade the confidence of anyone they use.

So, now that narcissistic relationship is over. You are free. But you are left with so much damage. Part of the damage is this sense of inferiority.

Now, I would categorize that as emotional abuse, but the feelings don’t come just from the narcissist. Yes, you can still hear the criticisms and negatives in your heart. He/she probably still works to make you feel inferior when you have to get together. But there’s something more than that.

So many people are left with few resources after the relationship that they have to set aside the dreams and image they would like to fulfill. Maybe you have to rent an apartment because he/she got or sold the house. Maybe you have to work at a job you don’t really like because your job history has been almost erased by your time in the relationship. Maybe you struggle financially. Maybe you don’t have many people to talk with. Maybe you can barely keep up with the needs of your kids. And you feel bad because of all of this.

Remember that the narcissist operates with a “scorched earth” policy. If he can’t have you, no one can. If you can’t see the amazing blessing it has been to have him in your life, then you won’t see any blessings. So, yes, this is part of the plan, leaving you with little. And, yes, you are still supposed to feel inferior.

But that’s only the narcissist. You don’t have to feel inferior to the rest of the world. If your home is a mess or too small or run down, that is not your fault. Your job is a way to get back into the workplace, not an end in itself. Your car may not look great, but it gets you to work and meets your needs. You have survived. You are not inferior.

Needing and receiving help does not make you inferior either. Receiving help is not better than giving help, no matter what the world and your flesh tell you. We all need help sometimes. You are rebuilding, working hard. That’s a good thing. If you need to get a little help along the way, that’s fine.

The world is set up to judge us. By judging us, the world is trying to motivate us to be the same as everyone else. Our house should look just right. Our cars should look just right. Our job should be just right. Having less than just right is considered inferior. We should be up to the level of others. That feeling of not measuring up, of being inferior, is supposed to push us to do better.

But the world is not your judge, not any more than the narcissist was. There is only one Judge, and He loves you. He knows what you are going through. He knows how hard you try. He knows the fear and worry and emptiness you feel. And He is with you. He will never leave you.

You are not inferior. To Him, you are just right.

The Long Path

It’s Monday Grace!

In “The Four Loves,” C. S. Lewis tells of a man walking a mountain path on the way home. As he gets to a certain point, he can look down and see his village, even his own house. In that house is a warm meal, a soft bed, and a loving family. But to get to that comfort, the goal of his journey, he must turn away and continue on the path. However long the path ahead of him might be, he will be closer to home when he keeps walking, even if that path seems to lead him away from the vision.

The daily walk is on a long path. The path leads home. Every step we take gets us closer to home.

I know that the daily grind seems far from Heaven. The struggles you and I will face today cry out for our attention. The world, the flesh, and the devil want us to take our eyes off home. It isn’t hard for them, is it? Especially when we try to add the troubles from tomorrow.

Part of the problem is that we don’t know the path. We don’t know what’s coming up. We can’t really plan for the future, because we don’t know what the future looks like. On our own, we become like the person who collects Precious Moments figurines with the idea that they will finance a happy retirement, or the person who lost the code to his Bitcoins when he got rid of his computer in the trash. We plan, but we don’t see far enough ahead to control anything.

So, if we don’t know where the path will take us, how do we know where to go? Once again, we are not called to discern the path, we are called to follow the One who knows. He knows the way home.

There’s a popular saying that seems to refer to life, and I have heard it applied to the Christian life.

Three steps forward; two steps back.

This constant regression that allows us to move forward makes us feel like we are going backward. That’s how some people feel. They never measure up. They never feel like they are progressing. They never have peace. Always trying to do better.

But that does not describe the true Christian life, the “normal” Christian life. No, life for the believer is always moving toward home.

Let me explain this. When you and I came to Jesus for salvation, in faith, believing in His sacrifice as sufficient for us, we were saved. We were transformed from what we were in this world to what we are in the next world. We were washed free of our sins and recreated as new persons in Christ. Nothing more will be done for us at the gates of Heaven except that we will leave the things of this world behind. In other words, we are not becoming better as we walk toward home.

Instead, we are walking as fully accepted, fully righteous, fully saved citizens of the kingdom of God in Jesus. Every step we take, we take as true children of God, brothers and sisters of the Son of God. That’s who we are now.

So there are no steps backward. We don’t gain a little of salvation only to lose a little at the same time. Every step, even those that hurt others or cause regrets, moves us forward. We are closer to home, to Heaven, every step.

All Jesus says is for us to follow Him. Yes, we wander off the path from time to time, attracted by the lures tossed out by our enemies, but He always brings us back and we are still closer to home than we were before.

There is no failure. No regression. No subtraction. There is only the long path to home. Keep your eyes on Jesus and, soon enough, you will find yourself there.