Grief

It’s Narcissist Friday!

One thing that is rarely talked about when disaster strikes is simple grief. We see it on the news as people sob over their losses, but we don’t discuss it much. I suppose we are fixers, people who want to help others move on to rebuild their lives. But grief is real.

And grief is real after the narcissistic relationship. So is shock. Not sudden fear, but the paralyzing, debilitating, stun that won’t allow any of it to make sense. But shock sometimes allows people to make changes.

I have read of deer hunters who hit their prey in the heart, destroying the heart, but watch as it runs away. It doesn’t seem like the deer should be able to run, but it does…because shock stops its body from realizing that its heart can no longer do its job. Eventually, the deer simply falls over.

The shock of understanding that comes to people when they realize their “lover” was never capable of love and they were being used for the duration of the relationship is stunning. It may allow action, but not a great deal of introspection or self-care. Sometimes sheer instinct tells you to run, so you run.

And you don’t die. Instead, you finally stop running and the horror of what has happened hits you. That’s when the grief begins.

Grief is part of healing, part of moving forward. It shows itself in anger and other emotions. Many of us have become aware of stages of grief. (DABDA: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). Those stages are not reserved for the death of a loved one, but for any loss that moves us to grief.

The loss of a marriage. The loss of a nuclear family. The loss of the hope or promise of love. The loss of the story of what life was supposed to be. These are real losses, and they lead to real grief.

The time will come when you finally stop the activity that shock and need have brought, and you will grieve. Grief is normal. Tears, angry words, depression, exhaustion. These are all normal.

Hopefully you are supported by loving friends or family, but too many find themselves grieving on their own. You will find that grief is a process through which you discover who you are and what you still have. Grief completes the shock.

I have counseled many people in times of grief and have come to the conclusion that grief is the process of learning who we are now that the person or situation is gone. “Who am I now?” people ask. Is a wife still a wife when her husband dies? Is a child still a child without parents? Is a parent still a parent without a child? Grief helps us sort these things out.

Good counselors can help. Good friends can help. Accept your grief when the narcissistic relationship ends. Accept the loss of what could have been, should have been. Accept the loss of everything you feel that you have lost. Then, embrace the grief that leads you out.

This is the time when we need the Counselor, the Spirit of the Living God, the One who walks every day with our hearts. This is the time to read the Psalms to see how the Lord walked with David as David grieved. This is the time to accept that amazing love of God even when it hurts.

You never grieve alone. Speaking of Jesus, Isaiah wrote that He would bear our grief and carry our sorrows. Hebrews says that Jesus is our High Priest who is able to sympathize with our weaknesses. In our grief, we have a Friend who stands with us to comfort and protect us.