It’s Narcissist Friday!
First, narcissists don’t really argue, do they? No, they attack. If you don’t understand that the only goal of a narcissist in an argument is to win, you will find yourself at a terrible disadvantage. He doesn’t really care to understand your opinion or your ideas. He just wants you to shut up in humiliation, especially if you dared to challenge his idea.
Too strong? Not really. Those who have lived or worked with narcissists know what I mean. In fact, this may be the first time you have heard anyone state it as strongly as you have experienced it. Very often it is during an argument when the true colors of the narcissist can be seen.
Yesterday I wrote about ad hominem arguments. The narcissist is often a master at this fallacy. In fact, he may do it in a way that you don’t even recognize as such. When he says, “But is that wise?” he may be suggesting that you are too stupid to get his point. When he says that he understands how you could think that, you wonder if he just disrespected you. Or he may do it in a way that seems gross and unfair. He may remind you of some foolish decision you made or say something about your parents. This tactic will change the argument, probably even end it.
Why does he do this? Because he is insecure. When the narcissist is challenged, he must win using any method necessary and as quickly as possible. He will also try to win decisively so the topic won’t come up again. He cannot afford to look foolish or wrong and he simply won’t take the chance.
Most people simply give up arguing with their narcissist. It costs too much and it never ends well. I would suggest that this be considered a tactic of control, rather than a position of defeat. By refusing to argue, you disarm the narcissist. He or she will be frustrated to realize that you are not overcome by his thinking. Just be prepared to listen to a long one-sided argument.
Thanks Dave, for yet another edifying article. Question: What if the attack was publicly done upon you? Wouldn’t there be cases when a very, very strong response would be in order to set a boundary, that what they have done simply is not acceptable?
If you have the strength and the willingness to enter into a protracted battle, the strong response may be the right thing. Just remember that there will be a price to pay . . . and the narcissist can be very, very nasty. They hate boundaries and will hate that you have tried to put one up. If you are hurt or destroyed in their process of tearing down your boundary, they don’t care. They just cannot allow you to be right and themselves to be wrong.
My N’s only means of arguing is to get personal. His main argument is to call me hateful; because he knows it really pushes my buttons.
He calls me stupid b* behind my back and does hjs best to get our children on his side….as if there should be sides. It’s his way of gaining control over me.
Unfortunately, our children are now older and refuse to be manipulated in that way.
I am also learning just what you talk about in this post…not argue at all. In fact, when I took him to task recently for some extremely bad treatment of his daughter, he immediately pulled the “you’re being hateful” crap….I simply said, you can say that all you want to me….it doesn’t make it true. In fact, I know from many other people in my life that I am a very loving person.
Then I just shut up and left him sitting with his mouth open.
:::sigh:::
I have a long way to go in the learning department…..
Sue, you walk a hard path. More and more I have great appreciation for those who live with these folks. I wish I could help more. I am grateful for this way of speaking truth and giving people permission to identify what they are dealing with. A surprising number of people, mostly wives, have written to me directly and I pray for them.
Thanks for your testimony. Someone is reading it and is blessed to know that there are people who understand.
My wife has these traits, I think she got it from being a middle child to a humble narcissit mother. Before realising this as the issue, I would get so angry when I felt hurt or misstreated by her, and she would use this against me, gettimg more dissmissive as my anger got worse.. I’ve never figured out how to not get angry, and how to solve the eventual frozen home environment after such an argument. Obviously she has never in our history together tried to resolve any niggles between us.
Any ideas?
Wesley,
I appreciate your note. I particularly appreciate your words, “a humble narcissist,” in reference to your mother-in-law. Many people believe that all narcissists are loud and obnoxious, but some (we call them covert) are gracious and humble, still for the purpose of self-protection and promotion.
Because narcissism is a learned behavior, your wife could easily have learned certain techniques at home. I have some thoughts and you can take them or leave them. First, when she says or does something mean to you, she may not even realize that she is doing it. Narcissists have extreme difficulty understanding the pain of others. When you tell her that she hurt you, she may dismiss your words simply because she doesn’t accept them as valid. “After all,” she may reason, “I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I was just making a statement.”
For example: she says, “That was a stupid decision!” She may not be calling you stupid. And maybe she is calling you stupid, but she doesn’t think of it as offensive. You should simply be willing to accept her judgment of you and the situation, she thinks.
Now, it is difficult to live with such an insensitive and mean person, that’s for sure. But if you can tell yourself that it is her insensitivity, probably based on the way she grew up, you can relieve yourself of some of the anger. Yes, the statement still hurts, but since it is coming from an insensitive person, you are free to let it go. You don’t have to accept her judgment. You don’t have to agree. Just ignore it, as best you can. No argument, because she will never see your point and because you will never win. If you argue, it will be your fault and yours to fix, according to her. So decide not to argue about her mean statements or actions.
As I read this, it seems very simplistic. I don’t live in your shoes, so I can’t know the extent of your struggle. At the same time, I offer this as an idea. I pray that it helps. Please feel free to let me know your thoughts.
I always knew I was in a losing battle with the narcissist in my life when he would sit there “as if” he were listening, only to hear him say, “Uh-huh” in such a dismissive tone that I knew he had zero interest in understanding where my words came from. He was VERY good at repeating word-for-word what I had said, but had no ability to empathize, only criticize. And it was the little conversations like when I would come home and complain about my boss. Instead of saying, “Oh, Baby, I’m sorry that happened. he’s an asshole.” He’d say, “Well, what did you do to cause him to do that?” Really?? That’s not being supportive when the situation calls for unconditional love and support. But I was always supposed to agree that so-and-so was an asshole and didn’t deserve his respect. If I didn’t, it meant I didn’t love and respect him. One-sided…ALWAYS!!!