Eat or be eaten – the narcissist with others

It’s Narcissist Friday!

Eat or be eaten.  That’s the law of the jungle, the law of nature, I suppose.  You are either food or prey and sometimes you can be both.  I remember something I saw on a nature show years ago.  It began with a snake sneaking up on a frog and eating it.  Then, suddenly, the snake was grabbed by something.  The camera panned out and we saw a huge frog with the tail of the snake protruding from its mouth.  The narrator said, “There are frogs and then there are frogs.”  Even the eaters get eaten.

This is how the narcissist sees life.  If you slow down, if you relax, you will get eaten.  Very often those who live or work with narcissists notice that they are quick to respond to what they think are offenses or threats.  They react with overkill.  You say something about her hair and she begins to rip on you for something.  You ask a question at work and you get threatened.  Why the over-reaction?  Because the narcissist is always threatened.  They see themselves as either a victim or victor and they want to be the victor.  (Remember the old story: Tom and Ruth went for a drive.  Ruth told Tom to slow down.  He did, but then sped away ruthlessly. )

Most of us grew up with the understanding of another old line: Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you.  In other words, some we win and some we lose.  It isn’t pleasant for any of us to lose.  Sometimes it hurts and it can hurt a lot.  But it happens.  It’s the real world.  We learn to accept our own failings and the unfairness of life.

Not so the narcissist.  For the narcissist, a loss is a direct judgment of his value.  Whether it’s an argument, a sale, a traffic ticket, or a game—the narcissist believes that a loss will make him something less.  This is why he fights and fights hard.  This is why she can be so cruel.  The narcissist must be the victor, must be better somehow.  (I should note that not everyone who sees life as a competition is a narcissist, but almost all narcissists see life as a competition.)

But, you say, the person I am thinking of is always a victim.  Others are mean; others are stupid; others are against him.  Did you ever notice how victorious he is at being the victim?  He can explain away all of his failings.  You are stuck with yours.  Even in losing, he wins.

When the narcissist enters a room, she immediately notices who is present and makes amazingly accurate assessments of rank, weaknesses, and mood.  She will know just who to avoid and who to patronize and who to use.  This ability is developed over a lifetime of comparing herself with others and working to avoid unpleasant surprises in relationships.  This explains why the narcissist does so well with people.  Most narcissists are well-liked, even appreciated, by others.  They know just what to say to each person, particularly those they have decided to value. 

You can’t compete because you don’t think that way.  You learned that others are real and are important as persons.  You walk into a room and see people: friends, acquaintances, family members, strangers.  The narcissist sees tools, toys, or obstacles.  The things he flippantly says about people, even people he seems to respect, are surprising to you.  His words are strong, cruel, and very judgmental.  Why?  Because he knows that he will either eat or be eaten and he knows that he has to be on guard. 

So let me bring this back to legalism.  When the legalist enters a room he is also very aware.  He has learned to classify people by what they wear, how they talk, how they wear their hair, etc.  He wants to know where he stands spiritually against these others.  He will shun those who are less spiritual (unless he has an opportunity to teach) and he will gravitate toward those who seem more spiritual.  He will be offended when they ignore him or try to teach him. 

For both the legalist and the narcissist the center of the universe lies behind their own eyes.

Comments?

22 Comments

Filed under Legalism, Narcissism

22 responses to “Eat or be eaten – the narcissist with others

  1. What mind blowing stuff you wrote and what you have written about narcissistic people. The one thing you mentioned about this sort of people also reminds me of a frenemy (well, a flatmate from hell to be exact) who thinks that everyone is competing against her, everything from boys to looks, and she needs to win win win (when actually nobody is competing with her). Thanks for the blog post

    • I am married to the worst kind of narcissist. The “malignant covert” narcissist. I have been married to him for 27 years have 4 children. I stayed home full time to raise them. I had no idea what he was for so long. I always thought it was me. Looking back as I pieced everything together he had been covertly so aggressive just towards me, he held everything in, let it out on me. I cried so much.
      Flash forward to today. I am 52 years old. My health is failing. I am isolated. No friends. No family. He has me totally under his control. How insidious and slow his behavior was to get me to this point.
      My children think he is wonderful. He will do anything for them. He competes with me even with them. The insanity of it. His abuse is so sly. It is done to upset me, wound me, hurt me, make me doubt my experiences. He pushes my buttons and when I react upset to his behavior that is when he comes full speed at me. I am left a crying mess.
      I will give you a perfect example. He always finds projects around to house where he is off on his own – he is anti-social, has never had one close friend, any friends. The latest was a fireplace. He made the chimney outside. Took the entire summer. I had to do everything else. He was so happy not bothered. I left him alone. My health is so bad. I have autoimmune disease so it has affected my body in different ways. Ulcerative colitis, thyroid disease, and the most difficult are the painful body aches where I can’t get out of bed. Up in my room, no sight of him. He would show his face, peek in the room, get me one or two things, and then say I am going to clean up. No sight of him for hours. Or he would come in after leaving me for hours, I would become upset and scared being alone and sick, and then he would announce “I’m not going to take this abuse, you take it out on me when your sick” now I would be left alone totally. He made me his excuse for not being kind, caring. He would use me all the time for any behavior of his.
      Another example was yesterday. I never ask him for anything. Because he will need do what I ask. I have to let him decide, he won’t be told what to do. But I said “I need a break from being inside, (Andrea, our daughter had been acting up inside, just laying around, complaining, just driving me crazy, much like her father) He doesn’t answer me up on the ladder. I do back inside, sad. A hour later he comes over to me smiling. I look up because I am delusional hoping he quit to help. He says “I’m going to stop for today…(long pause) I ran out of vinyl siding.” .Smirk…He always then takes in the look of hurt on my face (I call this part “His fix”)…..I say nothing……..Next he says..”I could quit work or….(wait for it)…..put up that lattice you want on the side of the house”………..(this is a favorite of his never helping me or doing something for me)…. Now he is saying and doing all this to me after I came out stressed. When I am upset, he pushes me to the edge..all the while denying, minimizing his part in it.
      He is a liar, by omission, or just outright lies (never admitting even when caught, still denies.
      I know this is a long reply. But I could write a book on covert aggression.
      I will sum up what deep character disturbance these “people have”
      Competitive. Entirely self serving. Fake. Fake. Did I say Fake? They are masters at looking the opposite of what they are feeling (all for some sick agenda) Total lack of empathy. Zero compassion. This is a difficult one for them to fake they try though and believe with their superman I am God ego they are smarter than anyone.
      Detest anyone else succeeding. Complement someone else in front of them and they seethe (while smiling and nodding agreement).
      Triangulation. This one is a favorite. My “husband” uses the children to either compete with me or upset me.
      Sorry another example. Remember way back when I started this long reply (sorry again 😦 ) how “Mr. WONDERFUL never does anything for me, or if he does it breaks. Well yesterday father of the year made my daughter a rabbit cage, so patient outside, even sanded the steps so the “chester” wouldn’t hurt his feet. p.s. he hates animals, traps cats and dumps them behind a local supermarket. I hear my daughter say “Your the best daddy in the world”..Hug..I’m outside with cut up hands dragging a arborvitae across the lawn to plant, couldn’t find my gardening gloves I just bought (did I misplace them, or did he take them….ugggg) Oh, let me add at the beginning of the summer, I was digging a hole to plant a bush, hit a huge root, oh know you say your not going to ask him, don’t you say..ok I’m a self sabotager……Glenn, can you help me…….hold your breath here he comes, I wish I could show you his face, I wouldn’t have to try to explain anymore. One look at him and you would gasp. Scrunched up demon face….ok here he comes……I don’t look at him, I step back……He grabs the shovel from my hands…digs for a moment, and then throws this huge shovel across the lawn like a javelin. Now the blame on me for his anger…Yelling at me,”You jump from one project to another….” continues to berate me. The only solace I have is the look of shock on Bob’s face our neighbor next door. I love this fact because Glenn to the outside world is “Hey, Bob (big smile) how is everything” Need help with that bush your planting?” Makes me sick.
      Ok I digress back to “Chesters” new duplex….These type of individuals will be extra nice and helpful in front of you to others. Just enjoying the look of sadness on your face and the way in just seeps into your head that he has tricked the kids, they don’t know, they think I’m just yelling at Mr. Wonderful Dad for no reason….they turn on me. I look mad. I look upset.
      Always remember everything these sick manipulative people do is for a agenda. Never fall for the tricks. If they are nice to you it is because they want something.
      Never, I repeat never go up against them. Do not go after them. Because now it is game on to them. They LIVE for this. It is the competition they have been waiting for. Now they can unleash more fury, more hate and blame you because be said “mean things to them.” You just called them on their self serving behavior but your mean…If you survive what is coming you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
      Ok I am going to make myself stop. This is the first time I ever wrote online about him.
      If you saw me before him and then after you would never recognize me. I was the smiling girl, I was happy, I loved to laugh. I used to have friends. I was brought up to believe to be kind, help people. Well, anyone that reads this, be careful who you help, it might be a monster disguised as a shy quiet guy who has a hard time opening up. You want to help him. You feel sorry for him. DON”T. He is going to take off his mask when he’s got you. You’ll be me. Smoking in the backyard. Eyes swollen from crying. Wishing for a end to it all. Looking up at the sky and saying “Jesus, help me, give me strength” You will look up at the stars in the sky and say “Mama, I miss you. I miss so so much” and you cry some more.
      I watched my mother being abused my entire childhood. I told myself I would marry a kind man and have a loving home. Look Mama I’m you.
      Love to you all out there who have similar stories. We are in a war zone. But remember one thing good will always prevail over evil.
      Stay good. Do not become the monster you gaze at.

      • UnForsaken

        Helen, I found those words ” fake, fake, fake” coming to mind the other day and then a loved one used them. It’s amazing how easy it is for me to believe you’re story, because my parent is also a covert Narcissist. Those horrible faces……. so chilling! It sounds as if yours is also an anger addict.

        You have the right idea about not responding or trying to explain anything to him. He will most certainly take it as aggression. So crazy! Remember this really is like an addiction and he will easily get worse as the “fix” becomes less satisfying. Your kids may not get it now, but please think about what it will be like later when they do, and like yourself look back on a childhood with their mother treated like this. The abuse has to stop somewhere or it will also effect their entire lives. Please do something now, before it gets worse. ❤

        It will take me a long time to get my thinking straight after a lifetime of verbal berating and I hope that you too are seeking counsel about how to go about this. I've found Dave's advise to be sound and wise and he might also help you find a counselor near you. Get someone on your side! You could even discuss finding someone to your health practitioner.

        I would like to add that I know what it is like to go though this with bad health. I am undiagnosed but probably with a thyroid disease ( praying about an appointment in February, which I Must keep! ), and in the past have also been in bed, aching. My N gets around this by not admitting I'm sick or was, unless he can get some sympathy and praise for 'caring' for me.

        My heart goes out to you. Keep holding on! I know God has a special plan for both of us, with a future and a hope! We must trust Him to keep His promises, and keep move on ourselves, to frightening but Healing decisions!

      • Vicki

        Helen? Your experiences are so much like mine! I have started to doubt if I ever will find a life outside of this horrible existence? I finally told my husband this morning that my white flag is up. It’s obvious to me that the majority of my hurt is realizing that I’m really not in a marriage, but I’m just an object he uses to love when he feels like it? My expectations of a husband having your back, and protecting you, doesn’t exist and never has? The only thing I did vs everyone else in his life, is I made myself available to him, thinking the crumbs were good enough? It seems though, if I allowed myself to be separate from him, be more independent and more self centered, maybe I would be safer than I am right now? But it’s clear to me, that anytime I valued myself for anything, he would start love bombing , and them he would start his manipulating once I was relaxed? This behavior pattern has caused me to deteriorate at a faster pace. I’ve never hated anyone in my life the way I despise this man, and yet can’t leave. It’s gotten to the point over the years that I’m beginning to despise myself. I don’t tell anyone anymore because what’s the point? His friends are my friends right? I can’t have friends over because he makes me sick watching him friend bomb them? What I need are people in my life who see what I’m dealing with? I feel what I need most from people now is validation. Without friends to have your back, and let you vent, or remind you that you are a wonderful and kind , compassionate person, what happens? He finally got you to believe in yourself what he wants you to see? Him? What keeps me strong is I think to myself, ” what would my father think, knowing the daughter he raised, to be vibrant and compassionate, strong and loving, to be some evil minded mans object to destroy? I know my father would not want to see a man destroy his daughter? That keeps me strong!

      • Helen
        I’m sorry this is a response to your comment a year ago. But please know you have said exactly my life story for these past 14 years. Everything exactly. And how I feel exactly. He left by punishing me for something I said on a survey belonging to our cutting horse association here in California. He took my horse my money my business and expects an apology. I didn’t apologize. I woke up. I thought I was going to end my life for everyday I wound find something new he sabotaged me with. I went to the Sheriffs dept. cried and the Sheriff told me this was abuse in the worst way. It is domestic violence. He hit me 6 years ago but emotional abuse I’d domestic violence! Go now to the sheriff. Go if you haven’t already. Get out. Please email me because you need support! I was isolated too! Please email me (Moderator: I have taken out the email address here for safety. Helen, if you would like to contact Vicki, I will send the address to you.)

  2. DJC

    I’ve been recovering from being narcissistic supply to a woman I knew for four years and have deleted a whole group of friends on Facebook because she has appeared. There is no experience in my life that more greatly confirms that pure evil can exist and attacks when one is at their weakest point in emotional need of support and when finding none realizes humans are nothing but ground meat to a narcissist. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize that but my own experience in the depth of grief brought on some sort complicated emotional stress response that has taken much more than a year to recover from. Immediate effects were horrendous aural and visual hallucinations, dread, fear, an inability to sleep simply through being reduced, gas-lighted, dismissed, literally consumed down to a burnt out shell. In short, your post is right on the money. I wish I knew then what I know now but my personal fortitude, strength and awareness of narcissism has multiplied probably by a factor of ten. I will add it to life experience and hope never to be trapped in the abyss where narcissists exist as predator ever again.

    • Your comment is powerful and I hope many people read it. Few understand the intense pain and suffering narcissists can inflict. Some have challenged my perspective on dealing with these struggles and say that I should teach people to forgive and learn to love the narcissist. Maybe that will come someday, but those who have been in the fight understand that this is not a normal relationship. The violations, the betrayal, the disgusting lack of humanity are much the same as in rape or murder. We do not quickly ask the rape victim to forgive and love and we should understand that narcissistic abuse damages in ways that are, perhaps, just as personal and often deeper psychologically.

      Thank you for sharing from your heart. You are a survivor!

  3. Kitty

    @ DJC I feel your pain, nobody knows how it feels, it takes all the life out of you, I just split from my narcissistic husband. Does anyone know of support groups, I lost almost all of my friends because of this man, until I finally woke up. I’m in Houston Texas. I feel totally alone, and yet confused. He was so cruel, and tried to make me feel guilty for my feelings. I don’t know where I was, but glad that I finally opened my eyes and saw who he really was. It’s sad because we have a beautiful little girl. Thanks.

  4. A little wiser now

    Thank you for your thoughts and insights on this subject of narcissism. I recently ended a relationship with a man who I am almost certain has NPD. He thought he was smarter than everyone else, had little to no empathy for anyone except himself, pushed to get his way, would say things that seemed “off the wall” for a man who holds a position of leadership in the church, criticized others, saw things very black and white and had standards for others that he would not enforce for himself, etc. I was engaged to this man and terminated the engagement when I realized how depressed I was becoming at the thought of marrying him. We tried to make the relationship work and as I asked the Lord for wisdom, He showed me that this man is a narcissist. I was devastated but hopeful that since he does have some semblance of God in his life, perhaps something would change. To his credit, I think he tried to make some changes but I could not come to a place of peace to proceed because I would always wonder if it was real change or if he was just trying to manipulate me into marrying him. After much prayer and looking honestly at the facts, I ended the relationship. I have debated whether or not to give him the information on narcissism and hope that he will see himself in it and reach out for help, but everything that I have read online says not to. My heart is broken because not everything about him or our relationship was bad. We did have plenty of good times and I have learned some tremendous lessons through this.
    For anyone reading this who thinks they may be in a relationship with a narcissist, listen to your gut (which may very well be the Lord trying to show you some things), be honest with yourself and don’t give into the fear of being alone. My heart is broken over the loss of my relationship but my mind is finally at peace.

    • Thanks so much for your comment! WHile I am happy for you that you were able to get out of this relationship before you got married, I grieve because of your pain. There is so much confusion surrounding a relationship like this. You are right when you say that not all was bad. In fact, I am certain that much of it was very good. But how do you know what was real and what was deception – or whether he even knew the difference? Thanks for sharing. I hope some of the other posts will be helpful. Please feel free to write to me directly.

    • Cecilia K

      A Little Wiser – I share in your heartbreak, and I feel especially emotional when I read the part about your heart being broken because not everything about your ex or the relationship was bad, that you had plenty of good times…that’s simply but beautifully put…and that’s what breaks my heart, too. On one hand, I was relieved for my relationship with my ex to end, because of the narcissistic abuse, but on the other hand, it was difficult, because there were things that would definitely be worth holding onto if it wasn’t for the narcissistic behavior. Had so hoped he would be my “white knight,” as I’m so weary of starting over — over and over again. Thank you for sharing your story, and since it is almost two years later, I hope you are healed now and at peace.

  5. Angela

    It is heartbreaking to see the wrecks these people make of others’ lives. The snake/frog scenario is perfect. Of all the narcissists I have dealt with, I have seen that they stay away from the “big snake cage” ie- always stopping just short of where you can call 911 and put an end to the terrorizing- making you crawl like a worm, but not physically abusing you. Making you go hungry can’t be proved, you are anorexic or too fussy, there is no pleasing you anyway, so why bother trying…(if you are celiac, everything they supply will have gluten etc)
    They know police are the big snakes, and they know just when to stop.
    They might shred you to pieces for going 5 miles over the speed limit, but have made you too afraid to say anything about the pot plantation in their basement. On a long car drive they will take sick pleasure out of not stopping to let you find a restroom, sometimes to the point of humiliating yourself, even if they need to stop too. If you have a deep phobia of spiders, they will force you to watch as they allow spiders to crawl all over them while they lovingly stroke them, then laugh and tell you that you are unrealistic and stupid when you have nightmares.
    Forgiving these people too quickly is a mistake. It leaves you wide open for more abuse. It amazes me that churches forget the many many verses in Proverbs where it talks about this kind of person, and yet “you” are not allowed to call a spade a spade, “you” are not allowed to see or say what you are seeing. “You” have to keep taking abuse, and call it your cross to bear and shut up because you are making people uncomfortable.
    My heart and soul are filled with gratitude for the understanding, the gentleness and grace I see over and over on this site. I cry for the ones that have been in/are still in this war, strong fighters all.

    • Bozo

      What do you do when you’re afraid to leave, but desperately want to? I never thought I would be afraid to go. I’m not afraid to be alone, but afraid of the final confrontation. Does that make sense?

      • This is such a hard question to answer from a distance. Here are some basic ideas. First, remember that narcissists mess with your head. They are able to instill fear and bondage in relationships even when there is no reason to be afraid. There may be nothing to worry about. They are also able to manipulate your emotions so that you feel like you are doing something wrong when you stand up for yourself. Many people have told me that there were aspects of the relationship that were so much better than any other relationship. The knew they would lose something special by leaving the narcissist, even though they also knew they had to do it. You might be feeling this kind of thing.

        I would strongly suggest that you find a good counselor to help you through this. Find one who listens to you and believes you and understands narcissism. They aren’t real easy to find, especially in Christian circles, and you may even have to go to a women’s center or someplace where victims of abuse go. But find someone who will stand with you and encourage you through it.

        Then ask the Lord for an opening. If leaving is the right thing to do, the Lord will help you. You should watch for a time or an opportunity to simply slip away without a confrontation, because you know you will lose the argument. Don’t let yourself be manipulated into doing something you don’t want to do. Maybe cut off communication for a while because you know how manipulative the narcissist can be. When you do communicate, do it on your terms only.

        A crisis like this almost always looks worse before it happens. If it is necessary, it won’t be as hard as you think. Don’t expect to enjoy it, but don’t be afraid either. In fact, you will feel good about yourself when you do it. But please consider working with a counselor who will know and understand your situation.

        One more thing. Narcissists aren’t usually violent, but if you feel like you will be in danger, notify law enforcement and be sure you have someone with you. Protect yourself and never trust the narcissist.

        I am praying for you. You are welcome to contact me privately.

      • Bozo

        Thank you for your informative words. I will take your advice.

    • Cecilia K

      Those are some seriously cruel offenses. It is so perplexing how anyone could take pleasure in torturing another person in such vile ways, especially someone they claim to care about/love. I suppose it is the position of power they see themselves in – that you are at their mercy – and they take full advantage…well, almost full…

      Like you said, they stop short of physical abuse, so they won’t go to jail. It’s almost like I wished my ex Would have hit me sometimes, and left a mark, so I could have had physical evidence of his cruelty (although I never had to endure anything close to what you did, Angela). Thankfully, I didn’t need evidence for my family and close friends…they know me well enough to know I would not make up what I shared with them…and also enough to see a change of spirit in me.

      But I so wanted to share with people at church so they would know what he could really be like, but I didn’t want to seem like a bitter girlfriend who just wanted to get revenge on him by smearing his reputation. Ultimately, I wanted someone (preferably a man) to give him a kick in the pants and tell him he needed to shape up. Talked to my pastor, but that was not his response…I don’t think it’s that he didn’t care…I think (or hope) he just didn’t understand or grasp how bad it was…and also that he didn’t have my ex’s side of the story. Nevertheless, I was still disappointed that I didn’t feel more support from him.

      Amazingly, being armed with information from this blog and other sources of info on narcissism, the Lord has softened my heart considerably, and I am now able to feel compassion for my ex…it’s very sad how messed up he and others like him are. And if it weren’t for the God’s grace, I could have become like them (and that’s not to say that I Never show narc tendencies, but I Think, anyway, that I have learned to control mine for the most part). I have forgiven him to God, but I have to do it again every now and then. I don’t think forgiving the person to their face would be helpful anyway, until they offer a sincere apology, because if they don’t think they’ve sinned, then they’re just going to get mad and attack you for forgiving them, when (in their minds) they don’t need forgiveness.

      My former pastor once preached that it’s not right to forgive an offender when they haven’t apologized (at least, not to their face), because it’s like telling them that they don’t need to repent, but he added that it is still our responsibility to not let bitterness grow in our hearts, and we must still leave vengeance up to God.

      But as infuriating and hurtful as the narcissist’s cruelty is, it is extremely sad and awful that they are completely blind to the darkness inside them and how messed up they are. We must pray for the Lord to open their eyes to their need for healing and humble their hearts to fall before the Great Physician and ask for it.

  6. Fellow Survivor

    This is a great older post David. It dovetails nicely with the “winning” topic. It would be interesting to find out how the respondents to this message are doing today because this was written 2.5 years ago. The stories were the same then as they are today, just different people.

  7. Cecilia K

    The part of this article that resonates with me the most is about how narcissists are quick to react with overkill to offenses/threats. While I am gradually getting the sense that my ex-boyfriend may not be a true, genuine narcissist, this is one characteristic that I witnessed in him several times. One example was whenever we had an argument about something, if I so much as started a sentence with “Well, you…” or “When you…” he would jump on that and cut me off with, “Oh, so it’s MY fault, huh?” and get all offended, and I might not have been trying to blame him at all (although I have no doubt that there were times that I was)…I might have just been trying to give an instance of something. And a couple of times, I think I asked him, “Why does Anyone have to be at fault here?” Like, maybe it was just a misunderstanding, and no one was really at fault; it just happened, but it’s like, in his mind, there HAD to be someone to blame, and it was NOT going to be him.

    And then, if I disagreed with him on something, he would get highly offended and give me the silent treatment, or if I was quiet on the phone (not because of a mood, but just not having much to say), that seemed to evoke an emotional response, and then my ultimate offense – going out to dinner with my roommate before calling him for our nightly chat – grounds for dismissal! Well, the dismissal was actually more due to my choosing my roommate over him when he gave me the ultimatum – “It’s her or me!” But the ultimatum stemmed from the dinner offense.

    It’s so absurd, it’s almost comical.

  8. Atlast

    I want to say thank you for everyone who is sharing this painful experience. I so relived to find I am not the only one. I was up all night reading different websites about narcissist I didn’t even know what it was till last night. I started googling out of desperation to understand what is wrong to my boy friend whom I dearly love. We have been dating for almost 6 month now and I have never felt depleted, confused and heart broken in my-life . It started off so amazing and it was almost too good to be true. He swift me off my feet showered me with presents, felt protected, loved any woman can think what the perfect man is he appeared to be. He asked me to move in within three month of time told me he loved me and wants to marry me. I was feeling the luckiest girl out there. Things start changing after a month I moved in the jealousy, control, accusations of infidelity, making up stories about me, he even started accusing me of envy of his life style and I am his enemy all of the sudden. I was starting to think I was doing something wrong. I tired to avoid conflicts with him as much as I could but it’s always something. He has nothing good to say about me anymore. I really wanna help him but from the sites that I read it’s almost impossible to confront a narcissist about their behavior because of the strong delusional mind set they have about them selves. I know now that he is not my soul mate and I want to leave but my current situation won’t allow it. I haven’t been working I have no money no where to go he made me stay away from my friends as far as family goes they live over seas. I’m been praying and my faith has helped me tremendously to cope with what I am going thorough. I am hoping to get my self together and live sooner than later with out him knowing where I am. Just waiting for the right moment:( thank you for all the women out there who shared now I know I am not alone.

  9. Cecilia K

    No, Atlast, you are most assuredly Not alone. It truly Is helpful to know that, isn’t it? There is strength in numbers, and even more so in Christ. Glad you have your faith to help you cope. I believe that the Lord will provide a way out. Are there any women’s shelters around that you could contact?

  10. Penny

    Atlast: the narcissist is a pro at isolating their victims. Do not try to “help” him, he is beyond “help”. Narcissists destroy any/all relationships that are threatening to them, which is basically all of them. Then they will destroy you. They behave as tho they truly are the center of the universe, and how dare you have any other friends or family that might cause them to take a back seat? How dare you call your mother or your sister or even own your child–they alone are worthy of your time, attention and affection! Their “needs” are paramount, everyone else’s are peripheral (and inferior). They alone speak the “truth”, everyone else can get in line and take a number for the “privilege” of catering to them. They are always & forever to be adored, revered, respected, admired & worshipped, and everyone else should be clamoring for the opportunity to breathe the same air. If you want to get away from them, they work harder to prevent it and to malign you. But there always a way out. ALWAYS. Difficult, yes, but there IS a way. Look around you. Look for it. Pray for it. Seek it, but silently. There are shelters, churches, & charities that exist to protect you and help you find a way “home”. BUT: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT tell your soon-to-be-ex what you are thinking of doing. That is dangerous and counterproductive. Sadly, you must protect yourself by pretending all is well, while you are secretly planing your escape. But you CAN escape. He will convince that you cannot survive w/o him, but you can. Don’t tell him that, but you can. You don’t have to tell him ANYTHING. You owe him NOTHING. Smile sweetly and pretend…right up until you go for more coffee or sugar or to check the mail…..and never return. But please….GO. You are worth it. GO. Find help. Today. TODAY. As in NOW.

  11. SS Villareal

    Hello I would also like to thank everyone’s advice and this column as well. I have been in the this relationship with my narcissistic boyfriend for almost 7 months of hell. Although I have tried to break it off many times he always knows how to get me back in. It’s a roller coaster and I have never been through this before in my any of my past relationships. I wish I could help him but I think he is beyond help. It is hard to deal with a person let alone be in a relationship with someone who has this Narcissistic Personality disorder. I’m not happy. As I’m writing this. I wish I was free. I wish I was alone meaning not with him. Focus on myself and my kids. Not kids from him Thank God. I also would like to go to a support group. Best of luck to all those who have been able to let these people go. I am trying God help me.

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