A Higher Power

It’s Narcissist Friday!

It struck me a few years ago that the reason so many areas of the world do not change when opportunity is given is because the people have adapted to life without power.  A friend who is back in Afghanistan with the military is convinced that any change that has happened there is doomed to being short-lived because the people haven’t changed.  They simply adapt to whatever group or person is in power at the time.  They expect to be used, even abused; and it has been this way for generations.  So the US comes in to “liberate” them, but they have nowhere to go in their own hearts.

Perhaps more than others, narcissists understand the value of power.  If you have no power, others can hurt you.  The power of others over them is, in many cases, the factor that moved them to protect themselves by narcissistic behavior.  And narcissistic behavior is all about power.

Think of the things that make a person feel powerful.  Knowing a secret, holding a higher position, greater physical strength, greater influence, a higher intelligence, etc.  These are all things toward which narcissists strive.  For the narcissist, it isn’t about being strong, but about being stronger.  It isn’t about looking good, it is about looking better.  The power position is the one the narcissist wants.

This is why the narcissist chafes under authority—and exactly why authority is so important in the life of a narcissist.  It is why the narcissist hates your boundaries—and why your boundaries are so important.  It is why the narcissist fears truly coming into relationship with God—and why coming into relationship with God is the key to health for the narcissist.

So this explains some things and offers some ideas.  First, children of narcissists often find themselves going from one narcissistic relationship to another in their adult lives.  They have never learned that life can have power.  They simply adapt to whatever new oppressor comes along.  This is why learning boundaries is so vital.

Second, narcissists can be controlled.  They fear power.  They may hate it, but they will yield to it.  The husband who speaks disparagingly about the police when he speeds down the road will be amazingly docile when the patrolman is standing at his car door.  The serial killer, when finally caught, gives up peacefully and becomes a model prisoner.  Many victims of narcissists have noted how their narcissist completely reverses his attitude and behavior at certain times.  Often this is because he recognizes a greater power.

Third, as long as the narcissist has power over someone, he is getting his supply.  He needs to be superior.  When he feels powerless, he becomes afraid and vulnerable.  He may recede into depression as a way of hiding.

The Christian in a narcissistic relationship should pray for brokenness.  We have talked about that before.  The narcissist may need to come to the end of his resources in order to begin to understand that there is Someone who loves him.  Be prepared to go for a ride, because the ability of the narcissist to deny and manipulate is amazing.  (But you knew that.)

One more thing: the narcissist is already a small, fearful, broken person hiding behind a monster he uses to keep people away and control them.  He has created this “alter-ego,” and it may be the only thing you know about him.  It is this “Mr. Hyde” that needs to be broken.  And when the screen falls, the great “Wizard of Oz” is shown to be an ordinary little man.

You may not be able to knock the screen down to reveal the truth.  You might be too weak or too compromised.  But God can do it.  Pray for that.  There is a Higher Power.

10 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

10 responses to “A Higher Power

  1. Romans 7:24

    Hebrews 12:6-11

  2. Heather Kennedy

    Now that is powerful. I have been reading Narcissistic Fridays for a number of months. I have lived through it all and am left smiling reading all you have been offering to those who are still sitting in the front seat of the roller coaster. As soon as you unbuckle your seat, walk away from the roller coaster and then RUN out of the park – there is freedom. These weekly messages help me soooo much. I am free from the narcissist’s grip but I share a young child with him. I am learning that my actions over the past years were correct and you are teaching me the basis why and providing explanations. LOVE your Friday teachings with this particular one as my new fav. There is always hope and definitely prayer for the walls to crumble so the healing can come. Thank YOU.

  3. I have experienced this all my life and until now was not able to put my finger on it… My friend is being shown this and I am so thankful she shared with me. I am learning. I want to help others who are in this type of relationship, because I understand how lonely, isolating, and invalidating it can be. I have been in a healthier place these last 5 years and am thankful for that. I am ready to heal and get rid of any stronghold that may be in my life. Also, I want to know how to pray for those who are still captive to it.

  4. Sad

    Lord Please help me.. Give me strength. Wisdom. Patience. And some joy back Please. Show me what to do Jesus.
    I can not take this situation any longer.

  5. Monica Betts

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months, we were also dating for 2 years and have known each other for 8 years. I broke it off with him the first and only time he disrespected me and I’m so very proud of myself because we were planning to get married in 2 years when I finished school. When I broke up with him he went nuts. He broke all of my things, lied about everything and hates me for basically breaking up with him via voicemail. Then I find out all these disturbing things about him. It’s extremely shocking and difficult because I thought we were firends and we’ve known each other for so long. I will continue praying for him and There’s nothing anyone can do to change this but God. I want to write a book, because this was a disaster.

    • Monica, I totally understand. It is good that you have made the choice to not live in that kind of pain. There is a tremendous community of people affected by narcissism who would benefit from your story and your support. Be well!

  6. Your blog here is so priceless. I have a friend (whom I loved so dearly) who appears to be textbook narcissist. It’s been a weird year re-getting to know him. It took me a while to figure out what he is. Just a day ago I think I ruined our relationship by ceasing to be his toy. I can’t live as someone who truly doesn’t matter. No matter how much it hurts to let go, it hurt just the same to stay there. And I pray for him, as I have been praying for him for a long time. Now I have a better idea what to pray, and I am hoping. I may never see any epiphanies that he might have. I had always hoped to be able to sit across a table from him and talk about things that really mattered. With “clear eyes” if that makes sense. This mental state is the biggest mountain I’ve ever seen. I have been praying that if he cannot change, that God release me from my love and concern for him. Oddly, today my heart insists on praying for him, after I feel pretty certain he has no more use for me as a human being. All day. Still. And I just figure that’s God. The only healing I have found is understanding. If anyone reads this who prays, would you just pray that the door isn’t forever closed on our friendship? I would like to still be able to talk to him and understand how to pray for him. I would like for him to not hate me (as I know he is prone to do). I have had some good, human talks with him and I know he does try to be a good person. I think he also has bipolar. Not an easy way to be.

    • Tamnmy

      Hi I was just wondering how this turned out. I too have been grieving after my three year relationship broke up two years ago. He has kept in touch and seems to just keep me hanging on, yet I am treated as a nobody really. He shares nothing personal. I have been praying for him for five years and every time I try to stop I feel drawn to keep praying. I just want something to break, Either he is healed and our relationship restored or just meet someone else and move on. I love him so much and Im hurting so bad. It would be nice to share our stories and pray for each other.

      • Hi Tammy. I have a different blogger name now, but it’s still me (originally “gorganic”). Unfortunately, we can’t change the way these guys are. They will probably be what they are until their dying day. I don’t foresee them living a changed life, but I don’t think they are beyond reach. I hope at the very least for some sort of deathbed conversion or something. The way they live produces the results that they need, so there is no need to change. Yes, he is keeping you hanging on. This brings him some sort of comfort in that- if he loses everything and everyone- he can run back to you. It’s sad, but do you want to be a last resort? If he always has you as a last resort, he will never need a God. I have felt the urgency to pray as well. It has subsided quite a bit, because I’ve prayed so hard for so long. I figure those prayers are still ringing out there in the universe and I trust that God honors them as best as he can- because we are still dealing with a person with free will… I feel certain that God will do whatever he can to bring this person near to him. Think about it. The two thieves on the crosses with Jesus- one was converted. God was able to reach him right there. I think that the prayers from people like you and me might have been the reason that happened. As for you, I understand the sorrow you are living in, but you need to move past that. Love. Let go. Pray. I don’t think he will be healed in this life, but I hope and pray that he/they will be healed in the next life. You can try to contact me via my blog, if it link here when you click on my name. I would be happy to chat with you about this if we can connect.

  7. This is absolutely what Sinoray for my NPD former husband who dumped me because of my love for Jesus. He is trying attempt 2 to ” annul” our 38 year marriage through the Catholuc Church – neither of us was Catholic when we married. I pray Gid hickey the Tribunal supernatural discernment to see Hs true motives and again say no to him. For 6 years I’ve prayed for Jesus to open EJ’s eyes to the Truth about God and the truth that he isn’t and brokenness to admit it and let Jesus in for the sake of his eternal destiny. Both of our sons are solid Christians, praise God! Their father’s middle name is Christian, and I pray God out if His mercy nakes him truly one. Rose

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