When Narcissism Comes to Church

It’s Narcissist Friday!     

There comes a time when the writing has to be done! The book must be published! The new book, When Narcissism Comes to Church, is finally available on Amazon. It’s a book I have been working on for several years. I wasn’t quite sure how to approach the various facets of narcissistic relationships in the context of church life, but eventually, a unifying theme developed that allowed me to put everything together under a single message. That message is in the following excerpt:

“Narcissistic organizations and relationships share a common message to those on the “outside.” That message centers on the lack of value and personhood of others. The narcissistic friend or parent or spouse sees others as having purpose and worth only in service to the narcissist. The narcissistic organization categorizes people by usefulness, either to the leadership or to the organization. The message becomes: “Your identity matters only as you affect me (or the organization).” That identity can be positive or negative, but never separate from the narcissistic entity.
So, the narcissistic mother abuses the privacy of her daughter because she sees no value in the separate identity of the child. The narcissistic boss requires unreasonable commitment because he sees nothing in the separate life of the employee. The narcissistic organization gives its people numbers and quotas and positions which ignore any sense of individuality apart from usefulness and conformity. The narcissistic friend is a friend only if he or she is being served.

Terms of relationship, like friend or daughter or co-worker, mean little to the narcissist. They must always be secondary to the person’s value as servant. While this is difficult for people to hear, it explains much about the strange distance felt in the relationship. For the narcissist, there is little value in a person who is not useful. Relationships begin when usefulness is perceived and end when usefulness is completed. If one person’s usefulness is greater than another’s, the second person may be abandoned with no regret or responsibility felt by the narcissist. Thus, the boss can fire employees without compassion, the spouse can leave one partner for another, and the friend can simply move on. Even parents, when narcissistic, may choose to value one child over another or another child not at all.” (WNCtC , pp. 13-14)

Too many people have found the church, the institutional local church, to be uncaring and so wrapped up in preserving its image that it will support the abuser in hopes that the victim will just go away and be quiet. We saw another example of this in the news this past week. Another church worker abused a young girl, and the church leaders just moved him to another place. Why does this happen? How can this happen in the church?

The answer is this overwhelming concern for image. In their drive to be seen as superior, some churches would rather ignore the victims than deal with the scandal. When hurting people can be ignored for the sake of the superior image, that’s narcissism.

Christians expect to be able to go to church leadership when they are hurting. When they are pushed away, or sin is covered up, something is very wrong. Narcissism creeps in to depersonalize and victimize.

This book is about the underlying reason churches are less than helpful in family, friendship, or other narcissistic relationships. It is also about how organizations, even Christian organizations, can become narcissistic. It offers suggestions for avoiding this mindset in your church and what to do if it is already too late. And through the whole book is a not-so-subtle message of the love God has for all of His people.

I already have ideas for additional chapters and other things to add to the book, but it is listed on Amazon as a Kindle ebook as is. I am waiting for the proof copies to come and will publish it as a paperback in just a week or so. The link for the Kindle version is at the bottom of this page.  Just click on the picture.  I would love to read your comments!

More!

But wait!  There’s more! I have finished a short devotional-style book to encourage you in your relationship with God and in your daily walk. I think you will be greatly blessed by these words of affirmation. And listen: it’s free! Until the end of the year, you will be able to download it right here as a pdf file. You should be able to read it on your tablet, your phone, or your computer. If you don’t have a way to read it, download the free Kindle app through Amazon.

All I ask is that you consider making a donation to this ministry. Our income has been greatly reduced over the last couple of years, and any gift would be appreciated. You are welcome to download the Words of Grace booklet whether you give or not, but please consider helping us out. After the end of the year, I will publish it on Amazon so that it will still be available, but this is my way of thanking all of you for your kind support over the years.  The link will take you to another page where you can just click on the small name, “Words of Grace,” and the pdf will be there for you.  You should have a download button in your browser.  There is also a link on that page for donations, which, of course, are tax-deductible.

Here’s the link:  https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/words-of-grace

And, again, I would love your comments!

And here’s the link to the new book:

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