Dissonance

It’s Narcissist Friday!   

I remember an old Moody Science film where the main teacher wore a special type of glasses that turned everything upside down. He found it extremely disorienting—at first. After a while, however, his brain began to understand the new input and adjusted to the change. It wasn’t long before he was back to almost normal life, illustrated best by riding a motorcycle. (Moody Science Videos – 20 – Windows of the Soul (youtube.com) )

Our minds don’t like dissonance or incongruity. When things should be one way, but are actually another, we may find ourselves coming up with explanations designed to settle our minds. When the boy tells a girl she is beautiful and then proceeds to tell her how to change her looks, for example. Two messages in opposition, but coming from one person or one relationship. She may decide that his love for her is so strong that he wants her to become the girl he wants her to be. Somehow, that will make sense to her. She will adapt her actions and feelings to make it right.

I heard recently of a manager who chewed out a supervisor in front of customers and other employees. My source said it was embarrassing to stand there and watch. The supervisor was humiliated. As they left the area, the manager turned to my source and told him how well that particular supervisor was doing and how much he appreciated the supervisor’s skill. Which message was true? The supervisor got regular raises and good performance reviews along with regular humiliations.

Early in a narcissistic relationship, things begin to be turned upside down. The expectations of reality based on the past are challenged by the evidence of the present. You expect that you were hired because you could be trusted to do the job, yet you are micromanaged. You expect that your intimate partner loves you, but the criticism never ends. You expect that your friend enjoys your presence, but he/she neglects you and abandons you. What is real?

Narcissist abusers understand that a certain amount of praise and appreciation is necessary to keep the relationship going—at least at first. But the abuse increases little by little until the praise is no longer needed. The victim adapts to the message of the abuser.

If the victim is able to escape the narcissistic relationship, that message lingers in heart and mind. This mental abuse has distorted the truth in a way that is believable, and the victim adapted to survive. After the relationship, a great deal of support and time may be needed to restore right thinking.

Part of the damage done by this kind of relationship is the difficulty of seeing the truth again. I remember how a certain teacher would trick his audience by posing a question where the answer seemed obvious and then supplying an almost opposite answer as truth. I heard people say things like, “Well, I certainly thought it was this way until he gave the answer. I still don’t really understand, but the teacher is usually proved right. I just have to set aside my natural thoughts and learn from him.” After they left the organization and the teacher was shown to be compromised, they still had trouble thinking. They still doubted their own reason, no matter how sound and right they were.

Several years ago a wife told me that her husband was a narcissist, very cruel and selfish in their relationship. Then she told me that he was wonderfully empathic, always understanding and connecting with her feelings. I tried to explain to her that these were opposing characteristics. Eventually, she understood that what seemed like empathy was simply his ability to listen. He listened so that he could use the information against her later. She was so unused to having someone listen that she thought he was sincerely empathic. Her sense of what was right was upside down.

The damage from this “cognitive dissonance” can last a while. We should expect to need consistent support. We should also expect to question truth presented by others. It may take time to learn to trust yourself again.

Now, there’s a lot more to this mental abuse. We will continue next Friday.