Hitting

It’s Narcissist Friday!

Let me start this post by saying that I think no woman should remain with a man who hits her. That is not a statement about getting a divorce, although it might come to that. It’s about being safe. No man should hit a woman, and no woman should stay with a man who hits. There you go.

Now, I don’t think I have ever counseled a narcissistic relationship where hitting was involved. I have heard of some and, as I said before, I think anyone who physically abuses a weaker person must have narcissistic characteristics. I have worked with couples where there was other physical abuse, but hitting is, I think, just not a normal part of narcissistic relationships.

(Please feel free to watch as I walk out on this thin branch, just be careful about following me. I don’t have statistics to share. Nor do I have the results of serious psychological or counseling input. I’ve just come to know narcissistic relationships.)

One exception may be among young boys. Boys hit. Hopefully, they grow up to express themselves in other ways. But boy bullies do hit, especially other boys. Men don’t often hit men, because there could be consequences, but boys hit boys. Narcissistic children may hit as a way to establish dominance before they know how to use other methods.

Now, stepping further out on that thin branch, I wonder if there might be another exception. I suspect that narcissistic women may hit more, especially in marriage. Hitting is an expression of frustration, a way of punishing or dominating when other ways are not as available. The system, the culture, still does not allow women the freedom of expression that it allows men. The authority and control available to men, even in marriage, is not as available to women.

Of course, men who are hit usually have no one to tell. That’s exactly the kind of situation a narcissist enjoys. Women victims often find that no one believes their abusive husbands would act in such a cruel way. Men victims may find the same walls against their stories. And just as some might suggest that a victim should be able to handle a little criticism or manipulation, they may also suggest that a wife couldn’t really hurt a husband physically.

We tend to forget that a good deal of the pain of getting hit is the humiliation. To be so forcefully shown that you are in the lesser position, that you are of less value, breaks the heart. Women who are hit by boyfriends or husbands are often made to believe they are at fault themselves. Those outside the relationship can find that very hard to understand. Why does she go back to him? How could she put up with that? Hitting is a violent assertion of power meant to force the submission of another person.

Were you hit in a narcissistic relationship? You should not have been. It was wrong. You were not at fault. I am not saying that you were innocent, but that hitting should never have happened. It was truly a violation of your person, an attack on your heart.

As I write this, I feel so inadequate. I have little experience that allows me to relate, but I want to have great compassion on anyone who has been hit in a relationship. I am sorry. My heart breaks for you. I have no easy steps for you to move past what that did to you. All I can say is that you are truly loved.

Jesus was hit by those who wanted to control Him and put Him down. They slapped Him across the face. That tells me He understands. He has suffered both the physical pain and the humiliation. They should have loved Him. He came to love them. But they hit Him.

You are loved. My prayer is that no one reading this is ever hit again, man or woman. But, if you are, or if those terrible memories are still fresh, please know that Jesus loves you. He knows your tears. He is with you right now. You don’t have to hold in the pain of your heart. You can tell Him.