Church

It’s Narcissist Friday!

Over the years, you and I have built support structures in our lives. Most of this was done unconsciously or even done for us. We were born into a family, and most families are supportive. We gained friends, earned degrees, built reputations, and more. All of these are parts of the wall of protection and well of resources of our lives.

When you enter into a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist must become the center of your attention. If there is support for you from someone or something else, he/she will want to separate you from that support. Little by little, you will find that support disappearing. Friends and family become distant, if not in actual miles, by heart separation. A common story is for the narcissist to persuade a spouse or victim to give up a good job or find work outside the field of training, just so that support can no longer be available. Moving away from familiar surroundings and supportive relationships is part of many stories.

In a right world, a local church would be part of that support structure. People who know and love you and walk with you as you follow Jesus. That’s in a right world.

But when the smoke clears, and you are able to assess what’s left after the narcissistic relationship, you may find that your church has also been damaged. It may no longer be filled with friends. You may be under “discipline.” Even the church becomes unavailable.

Somehow, even the choice of a church becomes part of the abuser’s strategy. Maybe you had to move to another community and leave a good church behind. Maybe the narcissist caused tensions or problems in your church until you felt it necessary to leave. Almost invariably, the church you end up in will be one that supports the narcissist over you. Usually this is some kind of patriarchal church that preaches submission and loyalty while ignoring abuse, but not always. Whatever the choice, it will benefit the narcissist.

I have heard stories of the “counseling” victims have received, advice and admonition from preachers, older believers, even church leaders to stay no matter what happens and submit no matter what is done. Some churches are actually parties to the abuse. In order to survive, victims must overcome even the counsel of their church friends. And that is more than hard; it is heart-breaking.

So, I have two things to say about that. First, it was part of the plan and part of the abuse to get you or find you in such a church. Second, you did nothing wrong when you left. Even if you didn’t leave on your own initiative, it is better for you to be out. But that leads me to two more things.

It was the church and the people of the church who turned you away, not the Lord. Some churches and some people love with conditions, “their way or the highway.” They only support anyone if that one does what is acceptable. But the Lord loves you just because He does. To Him, you have great value, and He has no plans to abandon you. So much of what you already know of Him is still true. So much of what you have believed is still right. It was the church and the people that were wrong.

Also, there are other churches, churches who trust Jesus and love people. Even if you have trouble finding one, church is second in importance to just walking daily with Jesus. You can still pray, still listen, still love. You can trust that He is with you. If He leads you to a church, go. Be careful, listen, but go expecting to be welcomed. And maybe you can begin by connecting with a small group of believers who care for each other. Be wise, but be open to receiving the love of Jesus through others.