It’s Narcissist Friday!
What does it look like to be healthy after a narcissistic relationship? How about during the relationship? Can you be healthy in the relationship?
Health is more than physical. We all understand that, I think. There are people who suffer greatly from emotional, mental, even spiritual sickness. So, when I speak of health in the context of narcissistic relationships, I mean all of these.
Perhaps the best Biblical word for the kind of health I would desire for all those struggling against narcissism is peace. Peace in your heart. Peace in your mind. Peace with God. Peace even in your body.
I regularly receive comments and emails saying that the writer has struggled with confusion and anger and pain from narcissistic abuse for ten, twenty, thirty years or more. Old memories surface. Old puzzles remain unsolved. Old self-rejection continues. And peace is hard to find.
Years ago I met a woman dying of bitterness. She had been betrayed by someone who appeared to love her. She gave her heart to him, and he left her behind. Young and beautiful, she refused to let go of her pain. I knew her counselor. He cared, and he had right answers for her, but she carried that bitterness with her. When I met her, she was in the hospital dying. The doctors could find nothing wrong. No cancer. No disease. Just severe depression and bitterness. She died just a couple days after I met her. I have never forgotten her.
The stress and sickness that affect our hearts and minds also affect our bodies. While it is good for us to be broken as we come to Jesus, so we know we can no longer depend on ourselves, we are supposed to find wholeness and health in Him. Then we should live in that health as we relate to others. The brokenness should go away.
Carrying pain causes us to respond to others in ways we don’t want and don’t like. Bitterness, anger, sadness, and confusion cause us to struggle in other relationships and bring weakness to our days. We all know this. The more sickness we carry around, the less we accomplish and the more we suffer.
So, health is important. Finding peace is the goal. But how? Well, I believe there is peace in Jesus. He says He will give us peace, peace far greater than anything the world has to give. In a right relationship with Him, you will find peace growing in your life.
If you are out of the narcissistic relationship, peace probably means accepting the fact of your past and moving forward. It may mean admitting that others hurt you, particularly the narcissist, and choosing to live without focus on that old pain. The cruelty happened, and it was wrong. The pain was real, but it is passing. Pick up the strength of who you are and move on.
If you are still in the relationship and plan to stay, you can find peace by accepting the truth of your situation. Narcissists are what they are. I have written a lot about how they can be predicted and handled if a person has the strength. But even if you can’t do that, you can have inner peace and health when you remember that the narcissist cannot touch you. At your core, where you connect with Jesus, nothing has changed. You are loved. You are valued. You are good. Accepting the truth about yourself is healthy.
The old Serenity Prayer may help.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Some things cannot be changed. The events of the past. The things that happened that should not have happened. Things the narcissist did. Things you did. Things others did.
Some things can be changed. As you become more healthy, you will make changes you need to make. As you make those changes, even more health will come.
And, of course, you will need wisdom to know the difference. Jesus loves you. Ask Him for guidance. Ask Him for wisdom.
I like practical steps. Go on a walk. Find a place for yourself, some place that is just yours. Separate yourself from the drama whenever you can. Narcissistic relationships tend to consume your energy and personality. Find who you are again. Join the gym. Meet with others. Remind yourself that there is life and affirmation apart from the narcissist. You can do these things even as you stay in the relationship. Once you are out, however, you can spend time and energy rebuilding your life. Do it. You are worth it.
Peace is the knowledge that nothing in this world can damage you. Some have found peace in the most difficult circumstances. They were healthy in themselves and were able to help others. In prison, in poverty, in pain. They were healthy because they knew who they were and they claimed ownership of their identity.
You are loved. You are important. You are greatly valued. You are precious to the heart of Jesus. Hold onto that.
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